“If I didn’t follow God here, then I don’t know Him at all.” I whispered these words because I was afraid to speak them any louder.
There are times in my life when I’ve known that I was living in disobedience, when I’ve known that I had walked away from God. But this was not one of them. This time, I really had been following Him as best I knew how. I really had been seeking Him.
I thought I knew where I was headed. I thought I knew where God was leading, but 2014 proved that I did not. It was a year of endings and illness and doors sealed shut.
I kept waiting for God to come in strength and power. I kept staring at the doors that had slammed closed, willing Him to walk through one of them.
And then I read that line from the story of Noah:
“And the LORD shut him in [the ark].” {Genesis 7:16b, ESV}
I don’t know how many times I had read it without seeing it. I don’t know how many times the driving rain had shifted my attention from the hand of God.
I thought, in the first months of 2014, that I was building a boat. It turns out I was building an ark. I had anticipated an exciting destination. God had anticipated the storm. I had expected direction and purpose. God had planned preservation and rest.
When the doors slammed shut, and the waters started rising, I looked around that dimly lit ark, and I wondered where in the world my God had gone.
But it was the LORD who shut Noah in the ark.
We hear verses like “You hem me in, behind and before” {Psalm 139:5} and “Under His wings, you will find refuge” {Psalm 91:4}, and we think God’s protection is going to be pretty.
Sometimes the ark God chooses to preserve us in may not be pretty. Noah’s certainly wasn’t. His was filled with the chaos of every kind of animal. His was tossed upon a raging sea that had consumed all evidence of land. With every creak of the wooden vessel, they probably wondered if the water would engulf it. They probably got seasick. They probably got sick of each other.
They probably wondered if it would ever end. Haven’t we all?
I did. I wore myself out banging on the door of my ark. Then I dropped to my knees and cried for rescue. And then I just lay there. Exhausted. Disillusioned. More than a little confused.
Until I whispered my confession: That I didn’t know where God was. That I didn’t know where I was. That I didn’t know His voice at all unless He’d led me to that place.
Then I saw it, the faintest impression of the hand of God upon the sealed-shut door. And I knew, in a place much deeper than my mind, that . . .
I had mistaken God’s preservation for His punishment. I had been tucked away in what felt like isolation, protected by what felt like obscurity, and all the while, my faithful God had been working hard on my behalf.
He hems us in, and we balk as we lose the illusion of control. That place where He hides us under the cover of His wings is sometimes dark and hot and clammy. The ark is not always clean. His protection is not always pretty.
Sometimes the rain destroys all that was familiar. Sometimes the ark feels more like a prison. Sometimes the days are long and dreary. Sometimes the flood keeps tossing us upon the waves long after the storm has stopped.
Finally, we lie down or cry out or look up, and we find hope where we did not expect it.
We find God right there where we thought He had left us.
And we find that He is a lot more interested in drawing us to Himself than He is in leading us anywhere else.
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Related: Be inspired to Open the Door to Your God-Sized Dream with this 40-Day Devotional by Holley Gerth.
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Cody,
These heartfelt words are a beautiful reminder that God draws us to himself, even when we don’t understand the events or circumstances of our lives. Control of our lives is an illusion (at least it is for me!) and during the days that stifle us with their monotony, we just have to hope that he has something more in front of us and in due time, that closed door will open again. Appreciated these words today!
I cannot even begin to tell you how much I needed to read this this morning. Thank you so much for writing it and sharing with us. We are going through a time in our family that is not pretty at all, but just as you wrote, I can see now that I have mistaken God’s preservation for punishment. We have had miracles come out of this journey, but still I grumble and complain and want to “feel” better and just end this dull ache of daily pain. My focus is on myself, instead of on Him and what He is doing. I am going to change that attitude today, re-calibrate, and pray to be transformed by the renewing of my mind, as God promises in His word.
Beth, I know that this reply is late in coming, but I am praying that the past month has been one when you have known the Lord’s presence even when it hasn’t been easy and that you have encountered Him even if you haven’t understood Him. Much love to you.
Thank you so much, Cody. I appreciate it. We have seen God remain faithful (of course He is, but it’s helpful for us humans to see it sometimes!) and we are still looking for Him along the way. We were spared mountains of pain, even though we went through our own dark valleys. We are grateful for that in so many ways, so many times…when we recall His faithfulness to us and our child in this process. We weren’t spared the trial, but we were surely spared most of the consequences it could have incurred. We will never forget that. All is well and slowly getting better.
When the Lord made Psalm 139:5 jump out at me, it was when we asked Him to fight for us and for our daughter. He gave me a vision of an army surrounding us. And war is not pretty, it is extremely hard. exhausting even when He is doing the fighting, we are too. I found the rest is trusting Him even when all around me it looks hopeless.
I can empathize with your story. When I so desperately wanted to fight, control, manipulate and orchestrate the situation with our child the way I thought it should go, God gave me this part of Isaiah 30:15 – “In quietness and trust is your strength…” He showed me that is where the battle is truly fought- in trusting Him.
Cody, this line so spoke to me, “I had mistaken God’s preservation for His punishment.” When things don’t look “right” to us, it’s so easy to think God is punishing us instead of preserving us. I never thought about the story of Noah in the way you described it. Such a good reminder to trust our God, even (especially) in the midst of the “not so pretty”.
So painfully beautiful. A re-framing of unrest. One we so often need to hear.
Thank you for sharing this, so others too can open their eyes to the truth of what God is doing in their lives. We sometimes just get it all wrong. I will keep my eyes wide open, and my ears tuned to His voice.
May He continue to bless you with His truths!
hmm.. thanks for this message. Straight to the mark and received, humbly and with much appreciation..
Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you so much for this opportune post. This spoke directly to my heart! “I had mistaken God’s preservation for His punishment.” LOVE this!
Thank you so much for sharing, I can’t tell you how much I needed this tonight!!
Abby, I know it’s been a long time since you commented, but I pray that the past month has been one of rest and comfort for you. May you continue to know the Lord’s mercy and His presence even if you cannot always understand His ways. You are so loved by Him.
Dear Cody and (in)courage women,
This was such a timely post for me. I could relate to every word as I have been in a difficult path, but the Sovereign Lord has preserved me all along. When I get bouts of fear and doubt, I always quote Psalm 16:1 “Preserve me O God, for in thee I do put my trust”. So many times we look to God for miracles and deliverance out of trouble, but He will let us go through trouble to show us that He has got our backs, that He will preserve us. When I realized this truth, I rested, even in my valley of the shadow of death. And just to encourage us, God came through for me. He relieved me of my fears, and He continues to take care of me. Hang in there sisters, God sees everything; even your silent tears, He hears.
Cody,
Thank you for sharing your story! It is so true that we can read passages in the Bible and not really “get” the message right in front of us. Last year (2014) was my stormy year of trying to find God and wondering why all the storms at once. He got us through all of them and has protected us. I may not be where I’d like to be but I know it’s where He wants me!
Blessings 🙂
Thank you. I need to change the way I’ve been thinking about my painful circumstances (broken family, lost children, death of parent, work, illness) I’ve been thinking they are the result of my many failures. I seek God and cry out to him but hear nothing but silence. The pain is crushing. The doors seem permanently sealed shut. I’m trying to trust.
MJ, I am praying with you. That you would know the Lord’s presence and His comfort in the midst of your pain. A friend reminded me recently that we can’t mistake God’s silence for His absence–that maybe on days when He seems particularly quiet, He just wants to sit with us in what hurts and to be with us. I am so sorry that you feel crushed. I pray the Lord meets you today in a way that you know could only be Him. And I trust this: that even when our faith falters, the Lord is still faithful. May He ever be your refuge and your stronghold.
Thank you so much for this post. I cannot tell you how it spoke to me today.
“I had anticipated an exciting destination. God had anticipated the storm.” These words were like an arrow to my heart.
Love, love, LOVE your insights on this topic. Blessings. 🙂
Cody, thank you so much for this blog message. 2014 was a very trying time for me as well and I too mistook God’s preservation for punishment due to a job loss and change, and the fear of losing a home and the livelihood He had given me. I’m so thankful that He has shown me that He was right there beside me “preserving” me all of the time, and that though sometimes His lessons of trust are not always pretty, they remind us just how secure we are and always will be in Him, if we continue to hold on tightly to Him.
I wept as I read this. I have been and am here..4 years now.
Thank you for reminding me that I am in the palm of His hand
Be blessed.
You are in the palm of His hand. And held there so securely. Thank you for sharing. May you know His love and His peace today.
Hello Cody, thank you… your writing has helped me to understand more of my word for this year- “journey”. I had become frustrated with God’s apparent lack of direction on what I thought was a physical journey. However, I really identified with being “shut in” and as a result of this, have created a piece of artwork that has helped me to understand more of how my journey is into God, rather than to a physical place. You can see the artwork on http://harlequinarts.co.uk/wordpress/ where I have written about what it means & also refer back to your post as inspiration.