It was right then that I started thinking about Thomas Jefferson on the Declaration of Independence and the part about our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And I remember thinking how did he know to put the pursuit part in there? That maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue . . .
-Christopher Gardner, The Pursuit of Happiness
We never count on good weather when we go to the beach in March. We’re not necessarily there for weather. Rather, we come for the roar of the ocean, overwhelming and larger than anything we will ever hold. We go to feel the salt on our faces and the whip of the wind, to know our footprints still hold weight. We write Caleb’s name in the sand, hoping that maybe — just maybe — the same waves that will wipe his name clean from this beach may write our names on the shores of heaven for him to see. We bring our grief, our living hope, to spill out like a bucket of seashells upon the shore. We return to the sea to feel it all and wash it away and return home clean.
This past March was our 6th year. I can’t remember another year when the sun has shone as brightly as it did that day, right in the middle of Caleb’s week. We ran, all four of us, like a bunch of starved refugees, to fill our toes with sand and eat the light of this August-like March afternoon. Two-year-old Miracle and I sat deep in castle-making, his toddler gibberish dancing with the wind. I turned to watch Jack teaching our four-year-old Rainbow how to fly his first kite and caught a feeling I hadn’t hoped for.
I can’t tell you why the sight of that tiny boy flying a cherry-colored kite, with Daddy crouching over him, struck me so. Was it the sunshine or the wind that wound me up into — dare I say it? — happiness? Was it that after so many Marches gray and salty, this beach surprised me with bright? Or was it that for the first time in so long, I could feel sand and absorb light and laugh at cherry red in blue sky?
What is happiness, anyways? Is it real? I remember happy, believed it was possible. But for me, now? Maybe not for me. Maybe what I could have, I thought and prayed, was just a bit of joy to make the days more bearable. And so, a whole year before this moment at the beach, I started to pursue joy – what it means and how to get it. I found 242 mentions of joy in the Bible, but only 6 mentions of happiness.
He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy. {Job 8:21}
But when a lifetime’s worth of Marches string out, how do I laugh and visit my child’s grave? Will there really be joy again?
I once sat in this house, in this room, with no children stomping down the stairs in the morning. There were no smudges on the windows, no little feet. I survived on the words of Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares The Lord, “plans for hope and a future.”
I learned I can hold onto God in an empty house or kneeling at my son’s tiny grave. I believe in His goodness through bed rest and preeclampsia and the terminal heart diagnosis of our thriving little one because I know He is working it all out for His glory, my good, and a forever past every tear.
The sun rose this morning, pinking up the sky over the backyard fence. I sipped my coffee and marveled at how this house rocks with boydom, kisses offer themselves up from little boys’ fish lips, and tiny voices cry “Mama” when they’re scared. These hardwood floors I picked out so long ago, swollen large with a baby who would never come home, are covered with crumbs and the tiny trails of chubby feet. This hunk of a man who partnered it all with me, bore the burdens and the tear-soaked nights, still comes home, parched through for us.
I get it now, how simple it really is.
Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in Him. {Psalm 34:8}
Yes, I still wake hard some mornings to the loss of my sweet child. But I know now that the Son shines in winter, and joy breaks me open to see it. No matter the day or the loss or the break, I know that living in joy is the only way to pursue happiness.
M says
This is beautiful and spoke directly to my heart… Thank you for sharing your heart with us today. <3
Taylor Arthur says
Oh, M, you’re so welcome! God bless you. Love, Taylor
Miriam says
Thank you so much for sharing this very personal and touching glimpse into your pursuit. I too cling to Jeremiah 29:11. My God is faithful. I now have Job 8:21 to speak into the atmosphere. Be blessed.
Taylor Arthur says
Miriam, I am so glad this resonated with you. No matter what happens in this life, we have a God who is working it all out for His good. There is always joy coming in the morning. Be blessed.
Love, Taylor
Anna says
I find this so inspiring. Do you write anywhere else online? I would love to know more about your pursuit of joy.
Taylor Arthur says
Anna, thanks so much. I write all about my twisted, blissful life at redvinespirituality.com. Come on over and join the Red Vine family!
God bless you!
Taylor
Sarah says
Wow! Thank you so much for sharing this. It comes at a perfect time in my life, and this was very encouraging to me.
Taylor Arthur says
Sarah,
You’re so welcome. I pray that as you go through your difficult time that God will make Himself known to you in new and real ways.
God bless you.
Love, Taylor
Lisa E says
Thank you so much for opening your heart today. His really resonated with me, although I do not know the pain of losing a precious child. I’ve been suffering from depression, and fibromyalgia, and my husband has a serious I’ll ess in which I am his primary caregive. Just yesterday I wondered if I would ever be “happy” again. I couldn’t remember the last time I even laughed. I’m going to try pursuing joy through God.
Taylor Arthur says
Lisa,
Nothing could bring me out of that place of feeling like I would never be happy again but counting gifts. Ann Voskamp’s 1,000 gifts will change your life as it changes your perspective. I read her devotional every morning! I am so very sorry that life is so difficult. God bless you on your journey. You will see the sun again, friend!
Love, Taylor
Susan Gruener says
Thank you for this. May you find true joy and happiness. I’m ‘pursuing’ these today as well.
God IS good.
May you be blessed as you bless others.
Taylor Arthur says
May you find joy and happiness as well! God bless you!
Love, Taylor
Joanne says
Thank you for opening your heart and letting me in so I will be encouraged to don’t give up on my pursue for happiness. The joy of the Lord is my strength.
God bless you and fill your heart with His joy.
Taylor Arthur says
God bless you, as well. He is our strength AND our song!
Love, Taylor
Melanie says
This is so beautiful Taylor…the words, the sorrow and pain as you cling to your Savior. He holds you close. I don’t know grief of losing a child, but resonate with grief, depression, and longing for heaven.
Courtney says
Beautiful Taylor 🙂 I’m so proud of you!
Jodi @ A Mom Having Fun says
I recently came across this site, and it is already one of my favorite. I look to see what you’ve written each day…because each time it touches me in a different way. Today’s post was beautiful. I cannot begin to imagine the pain of losing a child and what it takes to overcome something like that. But taking refuge in the Lord will certainly help. For not the same reason as you, I have been having trouble finding joy often lately. I feel as though I am going through the motions of life, but without much feeling. Your post, once again, touched me in places that I know it will help me to start pursuing joy. Thank you!
Taylor Arthur says
Jodi,
I’m so glad you’re part of the Red Vine family! Welcome!!! Keep pursuing joy. Even on my hardest days when I literally don’t know how to put one foot in front of the other, pressing into Jesus, taking that moment to worship instead of panic or “do”, ushers in grace and peace. Have a merry Christmas and God bless you!
Love,
Taylor