I sat in worship service that night, happy to hear one of my favorite songs begin to play.
Amazing grace! How sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me!
Not thinking of anything but the song, I began to sing.
You want them to think you’re important.
Stunned, I stared at the overhead screen but no longer saw the words. The congregation continued to sing around me, but I couldn’t catch my breath, much less sing.
God had chosen that moment to open my eyes.
You see, this year, I’ve felt God ask me to lay two of my dreams down — to give them back to Him. I thought He placed these two specific dreams in my heart — writing a book and speaking publicly, so I wasn’t all that thrilled with the idea. But I also knew if I let those dreams go and they really were from Him, I’d see the dreams come to life someday in His way and His time.
So, I let them go. Or, so I thought.
Really, I tried — but every time I looked into my future I saw an empty space where those dreams used to be, and I felt panicked. I couldn’t explain why, I just knew there was a void that didn’t make sense.
I’ve always wanted to write. I’d try it, and let it go repeatedly over the years, until I finally watched the dream die. Then a few years ago, God resurrected my dream in a way I never imagined. He had me writing for Him, encouraging women in their personal relationships with Christ.
Today, I’m a regular contributor for two blogs besides my own. And yet, I feel insignificant.
So, while I’ve been telling myself, and God, that I’m giving these dreams back, I’ve been clinging to them with clenched fists.
Although I didn’t realize how tight my grip was, I knew the empty fear of not having them.
But I didn’t know why.
You want them to think you’re important.
Tears burned my eyes and the lump in my throat grew as the weight of God’s words sunk in.
I was clinging to the dreams because I thought they would make others see me as important. It made sense, but I didn’t like it. Not one bit.
When did I start feeling like I had to prove myself to certain people?
Memories flooded back and I realized this wasn’t new. I needed something so others would remember me, because being me wasn’t enough.
I couldn’t swallow, but I tried to act like I still had it all together. I mean, it’s normal to look like you might pass out while singing at church, right?
I suppose it is when God shows you, in His gentle way, that you’ve been searching for your importance in something other than Him.
My chains are gone,
I’ve been set free.
The music and lyrics of the song reinforced God’s message that night. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it…trying to remember every moment, every thought, every emotion…and what it all means.
Has there been a time in your life when you realized you were searching for importance in something or someone other than God?
Laura,
as I read your words I felt hit in my own thoughts. I want to write too and I think it’s right to do this but first I have to know what’s the intention in it. Showing the feminine world the Me or showing them Jesus and His work in us? Your words are true.
Be blessed!
Thank you Rosie! Praying God leads you in your writing so that it is a reflection of Him…
Yes, so much yes and I still fall down on this.
I too wanted people to know how important I am, just writing that sounds so ugly but it is the truth, not a truth I recognized at the time.
My church leader asked me to stop praying for people in the ministry time at church. He was unsure why and I felt angry and also quite self righteous if the truth is to be told.
After several weeks I eventually took the situation to the Lord, why did it take me so long??? PRIDE
The Lord showed my stubborn heart that my motive in praying for people was more that people would see me as a good, strong, together woman of God than it was that God would be glorified in the situation of need.
That was nearly two years ago. Since then I have received prayer many, many times, I’m not together at all and I often reach for the mask that says I’m great. I love that God has used this to help me know Him in a much more real and intimate way, but in the secret place.
Two Sundays ago my church leader asked me to pray for someone in the ministry time. I was afraid that I would slip again but that fear is a better place to be than the one I was in before. It will lead me to lean into Him, rather than promoting me
xx
Ruth, I agree with you, sometimes the truth of our behavior is ugly (and embarrassing), and I’m so thankful God shows us in His loving way – convicting, but not condemning. Thank you for your comment. God bless!
Laura – Beautiful & yet, convicting words. Thank you!
Thank you Joanne 🙂
Yes, I have tried to find my importance somewhere else. This really struck a chord with me. God has been slowly humbling me over the years.
Thank you for reading, Lisa. God bless!
What a powerful testimony that echoes in many of our hearts, Laura! You are not alone! So thankful for your humility and courage to share it so that we might be chastened too!
Thank you Melissa 🙂 Walking in obedience with you…
I had a similar experience about 4 & 1/2 years ago. I was 29 and had expected to be married with children, but instead I was single with no prospects in sight. I “did” all the right things: prayed for my husband, prayed for my readiness for my husband, prayed for our marriage to always be centered on Christ. The one thing I had not done or even considered was that a husband may not be in my future. God wanted me to truly hand over my desire for a husband to Him and be content in God alone. I felt sucker-punched when God first revealed this to me. Yet I knew it to be true and I knew I needed God’s help to let go.
What a freedom I felt when I did let it go and rested contentedly & wholeheartedly God! He definitely has a wonderful sense of humor and love for us. 🙂
Thank you for sharing this Carrie! Isn’t it amazing that when God convicts us or reveals that what we desire may not be in His plans for us, He stays with us to comfort us, to help us let go, and get us back on our feet again – walking with Him in a better place.
Thank you i am here too. And realizing i was so puffed up to one) think i was ready and two) who am I to tell God what He created its so humbling and awfully flesh crushing to tell God what is best for you! When He created you for His purposes not your own! I was asking God to give her husband and her life instead of not even coming to Him with what is your purposes for my life.
So happy to read your post here, Laura! I can relate to what you wrote too well. The search for significance can be relentless. Finding it in God’s eyes is the only cure.
Amen Elizabeth! And thank you. 🙂
This really hit home, especially today as I am pondering a decision about a dream. So is it the dream that’s the issue or the reason for the dream that’s the issue? I guess what i’m trying to sort out is this: if the dream and the pursuit of it brings glory to Him, is the pursuit of it okay, so long as we stay unattached to the outcome – knowing whatever it is will be according to His plan and for his glory? Obviously if pursuing the dream is for our own importance or for proving ourselves, that’s different and should serve as a wake up call for each of us. Thank you for your beautiful words – would love to hear more of all of your thoughts!
I like what you said here- is it the dream or the REASON for the dream… I’m struggling with the exact same thing right now, and need to get some prayer time for God to show me!
Thank you Jill! 🙂 I wonder if it’s the how we’re pursuing, and why we’re pursuing…and are we pursuing and asking God to bless it, or are we asking Him to lead us? Just thinking out loud here. I do believe God plants dreams in our hearts, but often it’s well in advance of His timeframe for the dream. I’m learning that God doesn’t give a dream and then say “now, go do it,” but rather, “let’s do it together and I’ll let you know when.”
Good stuff here- I can completely relate. I forwarded this on to my husband and said, “Here. This pretty much sums me up and what I’ve been thinking about lately.” I’ve been wondering why I don’t want to pursue my dreams anymore, and I think I am in a place where I need to give them completely over to God and see what He does with them. Thanks for this post- it spoke straight to my heart, mind and soul.
Thank you Beth 🙂
Oh this hurts. It is so real. I think it was sometime last fall that I realized I had to let go of my dreams and surrender. As I saw them fall and felt like I may never do anything worthwhile…ever, I started to see myself in His light. I’d been trying to patch up my life for so long. To make myself worthy. To give myself beauty where I saw none. To make others approve of me through what I could do for the purpose of impressing.
And now, I still don’t know where He is leading me. But I know that since He has taken control and started working, His grace is more abundant in my life than it has ever been. Not that things don’t hurt anymore, oh, they do! But in the truth that He is with me and is gently creating in me something beautiful, something that I can’t even see right now.
Thank you, thank you for sharing this with us!
Stephanie, thank you for your honesty here. I’m so thankful for God’s abundant grace! You are right – life still hurts. We grieve dreams we feel may never come true. And there’s disappointment when what we hope for doesn’t seem to be what God has planned. And through it all, He comforts and gives us time while gently changing our hearts and desires to align with His.
Laura, you are an amazing writer! I have been hearing God ask me to surrender it all. It is not easy because we want to give what God has gifted us with. But for it to be effective, we must surrender it all back to Him. He is the one with the key that cranks this whole thing. And I am thrilled he has the key and will use it in His time, in our life.
Oh my, Diane, thank you! You touched my heart today. 🙂
So amazing, it’s merit time at my work and even though I know I do a good job and I almost feel I need to prove to others how good I am instead of leaving that to my Heavenly Father, I don’t crave recognition, I just want someone to say, you did it ok, but I realize that that approval should really be established from the heart of the Father and not man. Why do we want approval from people who really are not even important to us?.
I think it’s human nature to want to know from someone else that we’re doing okay or for someone to acknowledge our work. So, maybe it’s when we start working for that approval that we need to re-evaluate our motivations. Just thinking outloud. God bless Theresa!
My journey started seven years ago when I joined the staff team of my church. I dove in and gave ALL OF MYSELF to this job- I mean after all it was in ministry (this is how I justified my 50+ hours every week- “it was for God”).
I recently heard God telling me it was time to walk through the door He was opening to leave my nice secure easy for me to do job that made me feel so important. I realized that I was not only searching for importance in my job but that I had also gotten very good at doing ministry and really stunk at loving God!
So this “likes to always have a plan” girl left a job I loved to discover a God that loves me! While I have no idea what door God will open next, I am not focusing on the door but rather my amazing God-after all He saved a wretch like me!
Thank you for being real and sharing your struggles with all of us!
I love what you wrote here- “So this “likes to always have a plan” girl left a job I loved to discover a God that loves me!” Awesome line, awesome truth!
Kim, I can relate. I also work at my church and can get so caught up in ministry and the work that needs to be done…and all of a sudden I realize that I’ve been “working for God” but I haven’t been spending any time with Him! And how I feel – my attitude, fatigue, outlook, etc. all reflects my lack of time with our Father. It’s so good to be aware that this can happen in church ministry. Thanks for your comment and your honesty!
Hi Laura,
This definitely struck a chord in me and has had me deep in thought this morning. I stop short of my dream of being a writer not because I am exactly searching for importance…but because I fear lack of approval or rejection. Hmmm…different, but yet so similar! Both put the focus more on ourselves and others versus doing it for the glory of God. Thanks for the great post!
That’s where I’m stuck right now- I fear lack of approval and the presence of rejection! I have a hard time writing for an audience of one- and now I’m filled with the old tape recording of “No one wants to hear what I have to say…I have nothing to say…” and I feel that the writing well is very dry. I want to be called “a writer” and I want to write (and I have written, so I know how it feels) but right now there’s nothing pushing me onward and upward. My page stays blank and I really have no desire to fill it, and what stymies me more than anything is why am I okay with that? Why am I content with that? This blank slate time must be coming from God, because it is different than anything I have experienced.
Lori and Beth, I know that fear of rejection or lack of approval, or that someone will question me in a way that will make me doubt myself. It can be paralyzing – keeping me from writing anything at all. Sometimes I need a break, even though I wonder why and what if, but I try to take it right to God and let Him lead me. (Do I still get a little panicked at times? Oh yes.) But, sometimes, like you said Beth, the break feels peaceful, and then I realize it must be from Him.
I’m so thrilled to see your words and face here today, friend! Thank you for sharing your heart and this powerful truth with us. Love you!
Thank you Holley 🙂
Thank you so much for sharing this, Laura. I do feel called to write, but I need to reflect on WHY I feel it is necessary to fulfill the dream of writing a book. Is God really calling me to write one, or am I just trying to fill the expectations of others? Do I deep down think I’ll be more important to them if I do? There are some who think we’re not really serious writers unless we do write a book. Thank you for reminding me that the most important thing is to glorify God. Your post prompted me to look up something Jeff Gerke wrote in his book – The Art and Craft of Writing Fiction. “A corollary of wanting above all else to glorify God is that you also have to be willing to give up anything – even writing – if He shows you that doing something else would glorify Him more. Because anything we’re unwilling to let go of is an idol.” This is applicable to so many situations in life, isn’t it? So again, thank you for touching my heart today.
This is awesome- thank you. Seems like every comment is speaking right to me and I need to comment right back!
Trudy, thank you for sharing. What a great quote – and so true! (I had to go look up his book.) Many years ago, I thought writing a book was the real way to be a writer. I didn’t think writing online meant anything. (I haven’t thought about this in a long time.) Maybe that’s why I had to let my writing dream die before God brought it back in a competely different way. So…who knows, whatever He asks us to lay at His feet, doesn’t mean He won’t bring it back in HIS way.
my tears fall as i realize that i’m not the only lady searching for importance; thank you for helping me to realize this thru your post! as my husband & i struggle w/ infertility, i often feel unimportant, because if i had children, my life would have meaning & a purpose. i’m struggling w/ handing over my desire for children & then finding fulfillment in the dream for my life that God has planned for me. & then, where is the balance between acceptance & surrender & hope? still learning as i journey…
Joanna, I pray you feel God’s comfort and guidance as you and your husband walk through your journey. He has a plan and His plans are good (Jeremiah 29:11). Sometimes the most comforting to me is to know that even in my sadness, grief, and turmoil, God is there with me. He patiently gives us time to work through change and disappointment, and never leaves us. Thank you for sharing with us. God bless!
I mostly do not consider what other’s think or I’ll never get moving worrying about what others are going on about. I have learnt the art to turn off …
I’ve sought the LORD all my life. HIM and only HIM. But it was such a personal journey with HIM. JESUS this is. No words can express the differences between seeking God and man. There’s no comparison.
You can seek both friends and God. They are at completely different levels. But seeking after God can compliment the family life and friends. But not vice versa.
I dunno. What do you all think.
Karyn, I agree. God created us to be with others – family and friends. But as we know, life happens, and sometimes we don’t have others when we wish we did. But our personal relationship with God – that’s the most important. Sometimes I still struggle though, with knowing I can always talk with God…but still needing human friendship. (not sure if that makes sense.)
Yes. I am about to cry bc the only reason i wanted to be a wife and mother was not because i wanted to honor God and have a friend it was because i had been mocked as a youth for being skinny ( like skinny ppl dont have kids) and bc i thought i was in adequate. It had NOTHING to do with God i felt these mocking voices saying youre not good enough youll never have a relationship with anyone youre immoral. So i tried to prove them wrong bc i thought God had forgotten about me. Needless to say. Im still single struggling and many times feel inadequate and like a mistake bc i could never be HER.
You are fully forgiven, fully loved, and fully His right where you are, now, today. There’s nothing more you have to do, be or strive for – God in His mercy provided a Savior and a way for YOU. You are not supposed to be HER- You are supposed to be YOU, who God created in His image. He loves you unconditionally! I’m praying you feel that love this afternoon and in the days moving forward.
Alli, I second everything Beth said! God beautifully created you and He calls you His own. Comparing ourselves to others can really change our view of ourselves. (speaking from personal experience) But we never really know everything about what we’re comparing ourselves to. So, we see the best of someone and compare it to our worst. God doesn’t compare His children, and I wonder what He thinks when we do it. Only you can be you. 🙂 (Comparisons is something I’ve struggled with, and I’m running a series on my blog every Monday with different voices on this subject. If you feel led, I’d love to have you stop by.) God bless you Alli!
Beth, thank you for your beautiful and encouraging words here!
I can relate. I think that dreams have to die before they live. My dreams become His dreams and His art through me. This is part of the pruning. As a caregiver, I have mixed emotions about dreams. Do I have time to dream? Then live becomes about obligation and responsibility. I have to believe that in this pruning, dreams emerge and He gives them time and space to live and breathe. I want likes on my blog posts and recognition. I want my voice to be heard. I confessed to God the other day that I wanted my voice to be heard above His. But really it needs to be His voice and truth coming through. I am the canvas. Continually learning…In His graceful grip.
Oh, Christie, I am learning with you! I know that if I give my dream back to Him, and it really is from Him, He’ll bring it back His way and it will be better than I even imagined. But, giving it up and letting it die is SO hard! As you read, I’ve learned that giving it back to Him, while holding on to it tightly doesn’t work so well. So…I keep trying. Thank you for sharing with us!
Laura, thanks for your honesty. I, too, have a desire to write and perhaps speak of the Lord to other women. But throughout the past few years, I have felt his nudge to me in various issues to “check my motivation.” I am aware of it, and so I try (I TRY) to relinquish my thoughts, dreams, notions to Him for a motivation check. Only He truly knows. Still looking forward to being used in greater ways for His purposes—but also trying to leave all those decisions up to Him.
Bless your ministry!
Thank you Lee 🙂 I’m trying with you – waiting for Him to lead and knowing when to step out in faith. God bless!
Thank you! This hits home. Thanks for being honest.
Dorothy, thank you for reading and for your comment. 🙂
I was tempted reading this writing this morning. Yeahh it’s sooo me at this moment or also everyone’s. I’ve been thinking so much for so long how I can be an important or”visible” one in my life. I want to do many dreams of my life, I want to make myself look great. But, everytime I try to make it I fail. I’m down. But, God’s words has always healed me that HIS time is not mine. Or perhaps my dreams are not HIS ways for me,maybe it’s not good for my life. Then, I surrender to God,place all my dreams under HIS feet and let HIM to take over those. We just need to be thankful for HIS grace over our life. We are here because of H IS grace. It’s not ouq dreams that will take us to HIS place.
Oh, yes, Maya, so thankful for His grace and patience with me!
Wow…thank you for being brave and sharing with us. My attention was caught when I saw the words “You want them to think you’re important.” Felt like you were reading my mind and heart. Blessings on you!
me too. I was so convicted when I read that, and thought “that’s me”.
ouch. But a good ouch cuz I needed to hear it!
A good ouch – I like that Beth.
Thank you Michelle 🙂
Amen- it’s really not about “us” it’s all about HIM.
Amen Connie!
Deep breath. Your words have shined light into the depths of my soul, places I need light.
I am on my knees- humbly before God. Dreams scare me for fear that loosing them will confirm I am truly not worthy… And yet the fear of falsely representing Him in pride is a nauseating thought. Oh Lord! Create and sustain in me a clean and right heart.
Thank you for sharing your comment Brandi. God bless!
Laura, such convicting words that I need to hear. It’s subtle, isn’t it, that voice that shifts from good intentions to selfish ambition? I’m thankful you wrote these words. I’m bowing my head this morning in surrender.
Thank you Shelly 🙂 I agree, the shift can be so subtle we often miss it, and what we thought was God’s plan becomes an idol.
Hi Laura – convicting post, to be sure. I’m right there with you – so afraid that my heart is not right and fearful that I don’t even know my heart! I’ve been in a difficult place of career transition – a woman who never wanted a career other than to serve the Lord. It’s been all about obedience and believing God to provide day to day. No manna saved overnight. Another layer of the onion peeled back. Praise God that we never arrive this side of Heaven. We so need His Presence. It’s a tough balancing thing – the practical and the spiritual. My most recent journey started three years ago when the Lord called me to “graciousness”. I soon realized that meant I was going to be facing offense so as to respond in grace. Offense brings humiliation. And, yes – what a deep well of it I found myself in. Last year, the word was HOPE. This year it is PEACE. And the dream? Still floating about over my head. Marching orders are obedience in the light for the step I’m on and no more. And, after 30 years in this thing – in ministry work – I’m finally getting to where I’m okay with that because THAT PLACE is where HE IS.
Joy!
Kathy at The Writer’s Reverie
P.S. Hoping to follow you on facebook.
Kathryn, thank you for sharing your experience. The word God gave me for this year? 2 words – LET GO. I keep thinking about it everytime I find myself clinging too tightly or trying too hard to make something happen. I need to trust that God’s got it and let Him handle it. My words for the two previous years were TRUST and PRAISE.
Such an encouragement here. I had to lay down my dream to adopt a third time. I know God gave me the desire originally and I know he told me to let go of it. I’m not entirely sure what he’s doing with the process, but I believe he’s writing the story he wants people to know.
Thank you for sharing, Kristin. He’s working on something…His way and in His time. (The waiting is the hard part!) God bless!
Laura,
You hit the nail on the head! It’s not about the dream or the position–but about why we are pursing that dream or position. It should be to glorify God–if it is for approval of ourselves then we should give it over to Him.
I am one of many women who seem to have the problem of wanting approval. I struggle with a competitive spirit. I must do as much or more work than you or beat you to front door.
I have come to realize that in everything I do–I must do it ALL for the glory of God! God must be the center point of what I am doing and get all the glory and praise!
Blessings 🙂
I couldn’t agree more Beth. We have to keep looking to Him and focusing on giving glory to Him…or we get in our own way and our focus turns to ourselves. Thanks for your comment!
Laura,
So have struggled with the significance issue…or idol, whatever you want to call it, and yet, He is so faithful to lead us into freedom and truth. Not that I have mastered completely this dragon (as I like to call it) , but oh, as my significance has grown in Him, even as He has led me into painful lessons to reveal truth and grace to me, I continue to tame the dragon… not slayed yet. But tamed. I know in His time the dragon will be slayed. Greater is He that is in me than He that is in the world…and it is through His significance I am freed. I love your heart, Laura, and the way you do so clearly express it!
In His (still Amazing) Grace, Dawn
It is freeing, isn’t it? Knowing that my significance doesn’t depend on me or others, but free to live in God’s grace. God is so good! Thank you Dawn!
Thank you Laura. I needed to read these words today. God is busy rearranging my dreams as a writer. It’s not a comfortable place. I’ve been holding on, letting go, taking it back, letting it go. He truly is my only satisfaction. I too know that in His time and in His way, He will resurrect that which seems lifeless. Blessings!
His Will…His Time…His Way…
Blessings Barbie!
This post was really a blessing.
So glad you stopped by, Judith!
Struggling with these same things. God hasn’t told me to lay this dream down, but I have been in a deep funk of discouragement, yet passion drives. I cry out to God, “What do I do with all this?” Not sure, but I felt like it was a cleansing of sorts, clearing away again, the desire for significance through what we do, what we write. Thanks for sharing, and what a chord you have struck.
Thank you Ginger. What a blessing that God will let us vent to Him and get rid of our discouragement so we can focus on Him and His work again.
Blessings,
Laura
So true Laura! We can start something with the best of intentions, to do it for God, but somehow our ego jumps in. I have struggled with this too. This is a great 1st post here! Congrats
Thank you Janet 🙂