The ultrasound technician wrapped us in comfort with her warm British accent and her kind words:
“It wasn’t anything you did, dear…this is just nature’s way…”
That evening, I told my friend, Kate, that I was sad and confused…but also okay. Maybe I was in shock, I suggested, or too numb to feel. She told me not to analyze that calm feeling but to just accept it as God’s peace. With her words, I was released to lean into that peace – into a God who was good, I knew.
Over the next few days I tried to sort out my theology. I thought, This was meant to be, but the phrase surely didn’t sit well in my heart. I tried, The timing wasn’t right, but I knew the timing had been perfect. Our firstborn son, Isaac, was almost three. The time it took for us to become pregnant with our second seemed very long. Surely the Lord wouldn’t give us something we had prayed for, then change His mind or decide it wasn’t the right time.
The Lord brought comfort to my mind while I was reading a book one morning. I realized, sickness is not from God, death is not from God. This loss wasn’t from God. He didn’t author it for our family.
With that treasure placed in my heart, I leaned into Him more… into His rest, even released from asking “why.”
And my hope grew. If this loss wasn’t from God, if indeed it was actually carried to the cross with Jesus, buried, and resurrected, then this loss could be redeemed… somehow. I don’t fully understand my hope but I know it’s a key the Lord has given me. It’s a promise to hold onto tightly when I’m afraid… when I start thinking, Well, if this could happen, surely many other bad things could happen, too. There is something about the blood of Jesus poured out for healing, in the face of death, which I must hold onto. In this truth, He will overcome… somehow.
After the ultrasound, after we saw there was no heartbeat and the baby had died, we waited for my body to miscarry “naturally.” When I miscarried, there was nothing natural about it. The contractions came in waves under my belly, just like when Isaac was born. I remembered, with Isaac, being empowered by those waves of pain that birthed life. I grieved as the familiar contractions birthed only death.
And still I know this loss was not from God; surely He must bring a victory.
In this ending, I’m hoping forward into life.
By Maryann, dailyparable
Photo courtesy of Mystic-Eyes
Leave a Comment
This is so beautiful and insightful! What a blessing that you can rest in God’s peace.
God gave me similar peace when my husband passed. Of course I grieved and mourned but I also had an amazing, undescribable peace. God is so good and faithful.
Thank you for sharing your story!
Thank you for sharing about your personal loss too, Vicki. It’s so strengthening to hear from you. God’s peace certainly is amazing.
God bless you Maryann, I am sorry for your loss and I pray for your grief to come to a close through the great hope that you have in Jesus. I lost a son 2 months before he was due, he would have been our first born. I know he is in the presence of the Son of God continually, these thoughts have brought me encouragement over the years. Our God is faithful.
Thank you for sharing
Thank you for passing on this encouragement, Suzanne. Thinking of our little baby in the arms of the Father is helping me through this time too.
I am so, so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing this and for your beautiful words.
Thank you Jan.
Maryann, thank you for sharing those deeply personal feelings. I, too, have experienced that peace after a loss. Five years ago, this month, I miscarried for the second time, and unlike the first time when I didn’t have a relationship with Jesus, I was overtaken with peace as I felt God wrap His loving arms around me and walk with me through it. It was still hard and still painful, but that peace that can only come from Him is what sustained me through it, and still does. I felt like letting go of needing a reason or an explanation and just accepting it and allowing God to work all things for good, as He so faithfully does when you let Him love you, is what brought me to that all-is-grace peace. Hold tightly to that Hope. Rest in His arms, knowing that He has you. He will never let you go.
Thank you, Michelle. I’m sorry to hear about the losses you experienced too. It really is freeing, as you say, to let go of needing a reason or explanation and to just rest in God’s peace. What a difference life with Jesus makes. I’m so thankful.
Julie Sunne says
Maryann, I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby. I praise God for His peace for you during this time. Do not feel guilty for it. The calm you feel is His gift.
God is faithful. He is walking with you through this. God has used the miscarriages of 5 of my little ones in miraculous, transforming ways in my life. He is good! He is capable! We don’t need to understand, just hold onto Him and trust His promises.
Blessings to you.
Wow Julie Sunne. Your life is a testimony of God’s love and peace. Thank you for commenting and for passing on such encouragement.
What an amazing revelation! God doesn’t author everything but He can turn anything. Powerful!
Yes. This revelation has been so freeing to me lately.
Kimberly Edwards says
Me too!!! Thank you, LORD, for using Maryann and the others who’ve posted comments here! They’re great blessings of revelation to YOUR power, grace and mercy.
I’ve been there – where you are, with no heart-beat at 4 1/2 months – and like you said, “this loss could be redeemed” – and He did – here and this little girl with God in heaven who I will get to see one day – but yes – He turns our mourning into dancing – if we just learn to see things the way He does.
I’m sorry you’ve been there too. I’m glad you’ve seen redemption through it. Lord, help us to see things the way You do.
tammy cordery says
I am so sorry for your loss. You are so brave I don’t think I could ever do that it would so brake me my spirit and my will to have another baby or try. God bless you and your family.
Thank you Tammy. God’s definitely carried us through.
Thank you for your encouraging words. We also just found out at 6.5 weeks that we miscarried our baby. We had tried for 4 years and actually got pregnant through IVF. Unfortunaley we lost the baby and it has been really hard. Reading your words gives me encouragement and continued hope. Thank you.
Hi Shawnda. I’m sorry about your loss. We tried for 15 months and then lost the baby once we got pregnant but I can’t imagine the difficulty of trying for four years and also going through IVF. I’m glad you were encouraged through this post – I’m praying that that hope in you would bring forth life.
Sandy Helgesen says
So very sorry. Keep looking to Jesus. He will need let you down. He weeps with those who
Kimberly Edwards says
Maryann, first of all, I’m sorry for your loss. Second, I’m grateful for your honesty, vulnerability and transparency. Finally, when you described the contractions for the miscarriage… I couldn’t help but think to myself… Every monthly cycle I have feels that way to me. I have violent cramping every month. It reminds me of the childbirth experience I had when my daughter delivered 29 yrs ago. I often wonder if I’m having a miscarriage every month just because of the contractive cramps I go through. But, I’ve learned that it’s due to scarring created from an infection and surgery I had to have after my daughter was born . I don’t remember the scientific name for it… but… I still am blessed because GOD knows what HE’s doing! Amen!
Thank you for your honesty too, Kimberley. I’m sorry you have to go through that pain every month. It sounds like God’s hand was at work when Your daughter was born.
Veronica Umali says
Maryann, thank you for writing about your testament of faith after loss. Brings comfort to my grieving heart as I stumble through life without my son, Austin, who lived in the NICU for one month after being born prematurely (at 24 weeks 5 days gestation). We are truly blessed with every minute we have with our children, in womb or in this waking life. God bless you and your family. May Isaac feel the love of his baby sibling from Heaven.
Oh Veronica, my heart goes out to you. May God bless you and comfort you too. Austin knew your wonderful love for him when he was in your womb and with you in this life. Yes, thank you, Lord, for the time we have with our children because it’s so precious.
Well done good & faithful servant. Your faith is strength to many.
He does redeem all things, that good God of ours. 🙂
Amen, Sarah friend. He is full of grace for us.
I am so very sorry for your loss. I too lost my second born and found out through a sonogram. It is such a painful experience. It does become much more comforting later on as you grow older to know that your child is watching you from Heaven with God. I am so glad you are able to write about it and to continue with your faith. You are an amazing person. God Bless you and your family.
I’m sorry for your loss too, Laura. Thank you for your encouragement. God’s grace is amazing and He carries us through things we can’t go through in our own strength.
Fought back tears as I read this and really understood the place you were coming from as I remembered my own loss now four years ago. I like the way you put it.
Thank you, Lis. All these comments are definitely making me cry… because of the hope and encouragement and shared experience everyone is bringing.
I marvel at your ability to share this with such blessed insight and faith. My heart goes out to you and your family and my prayers do too.
Thank you for sharing your heart and your hard won wisdom and strength.
Thank you, Lina. God really did carry my through this so I wanted to make sure to pass on the words He spoke to my heart so others would be encouraged too.
Beth Williams says
Soo soo sorry for the loss of your beloved 2nd child. May the peace of God continue to surround you and help you heal and grieve.
I, too, had peace when my mother died. She had dementia and sundowner’s and was completely bed ridden for about 2 years. My dear dad took care of her 24/7. When she passed everyone was crying, but I had a sense of “relief” & peace. It was as though–now she’ll be normal & new and dad can get back to his life.
God Bless you for your honesty! 🙂
Thank you for sharing, Beth. I’m so thankful for that peace through loss. I went through something similar with my grandmother as well, although I still find it difficult to talk about. I was very close with her and she died of Alzheimer’s. I mourned so much while she was alive and suffering. When she passed away, I was surprised at the peace and relief I felt. Thanks for reminding me of that provision from God. God bless you too.
Ann van says
Maryann, God bless you and keep you for your courage in sharing your pain. Continue to hold close God’s loving embrace.
Thank you Ann.
Dear Maryanne, how can i express my deepest regret for your loss? Adrian and I are mourning with you. I’m so encouraged that you’re leaning into God and affirming that He is good and also reminding me that death, sickness, and loss is not part of God’s original design for our lives and that our pain and loss can be redeemed by God somehow. Your hope and resolve in God’s goodness breathes a fresh breath of air in my life. Adrian and I will be praying for you and Ben and Isaac.
Thanks Rebecca. You’re always so supportive and inspirational to me. I’ll be praying for you and Adrian too.
Your outlook is definately in the right direction, aiming upward! I, too, have suffered losses. Our first born was stillborn at 38 weeks. That was a hard lesson to us, who waited so long for children, that all pregnancies don’t end in taking babies home. Next was a miscarriage, then the blessing of 3 wonderful children in 6 years. And then sadly we ended with another miscarriage 3 years ago. I continue to believe with you that God is always with me, and doesn’t send the bad into our lives. He is there to strengthen us in these times, and turn all things to our good. May God continue to fill you with His love and bring many blessings into your life.
I’m sorry to hear about your losses, Tina. It’s encouraging to draw from your strength in the Lord too and to know that God has carried you through. God bless your family.
Thank you for sharing this. I take great comfort in the promise of Isaiah 65 about the new heavens and the new earth: “Never again will there be in it an infant who lives but a few days.” There is nothing natural about children dying in the womb – as three of my own have (my second-born at 18 weeks, and my next two children at 8 weeks and 4 weeks). But knowing that God is sovereign and that He can indeed redeem even this has given me hope and peace and returned my joy, and enabled us to begin a pregnancy loss ministry to share that hope with others (www.naomiscircle.org). I am lifting you up in prayer right now. Thank you for your life-giving words.
Hi Kristi. Your Naomi’s Circle Ministry is amazing and so needed. Thank you for sharing the link. I’ll be praying for you.
Brittnie (A Joy Renewed) says
I’m so sorry of your loss. While I rest assured that God has a plan, and that His plans are always perfect, sometimes the waiting, the questioning, the sadness, is just all too much. We got pregnant with twins via IVF and lost one twin early into the pregnancy. I think of the baby often and cannot wait to meet her in heaven!
Thank you for sharing, Brittnie. I’m sorry for your loss too. Yes, sometimes the sadness is too much. I find a lot of comfort in my son, Isaac, and I imagine you do as well in your baby here with you. Thank God for His grace too.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I pray that your loss is soon redeemed in a wonderful victory! God is good all the time! I am a DES daughter and although I knew my chances of carrying a child were not favorable, I tried. I had three miscarriages before I accepted that motherhood was not the mission God had in his plans for me. It was very difficult to accept, especially as I am a member of such a prolific family. I lost the last baby the same month my husband was killed. She was a girl. I carried her the longest. I often dream of them together.
Thank you for sharing your story, Nancy, and for your encouragement and faith. I am sorry for your losses and trust that you have seen God’s goodness through this time as well. God has great things ahead for you, I’m sure of it. I’ll be praying for you.
Weekend Links says
[…] God's Help Through Loss @ (in)courage […]
WOW! God keeps using so many people to speak to me during this difficult time that I am facing. My husband and I were expecting our first baby on Thanksgiving. When I went to the doctor last Monday to hear the heartbeat, they couldn’t find it. So, we went to have an ultrasound done. She found the baby, but it was only measuring 8 weeks, 4 days and I was 11 weeks 4 days. No heartbeat. Her words still sound so powerful and life altering. I just lost my dad to cancer in March and my husband and I weren’t even trying, but I got pregnant. It seemed like the PERFECT time, the PERFECT answer to my sadness, the PERFECT gift from God in such a time of grief and loss. I keep turning to Him more and more and I hear Him tell me “not now”. We get to start trying again in August. I know He has a plan and I am holding onto that; His PERFECT plan. I am curious though as to what you mean when you say…”The Lord brought comfort to my mind while I was reading a book one morning. I realized, sickness is not from God, death is not from God. This loss wasn’t from God. He didn’t author it for our family.” I am really ecncouraged by your post and I am thankful for you sharing something so intimate and personal. :):)
I’m glad the timing of this post spoke to your heart. I’m sorry for your losses. You asked what I meant when I talked about this loss not being from God… I was reading a book called “An Apple for the Road” and one of the authors talked about how God isn’t the author of everything in our lives. Sometimes things happen that aren’t from God – they’re just part of living in this world we live in, such as sickness and death. That was a freeing realization to me. At the same time, God can take anything and turn it into something good for us too. I’m praying for a baby for you and your husband soon!