Oh, love that will not let me go | I rest me weary soul in Thee |I give You back this life I owe | And in Your ocean depths its flow | May richer fuller be | ~ George Matheson
I stared into the wall at nights in my bed as a little girl.
It was actually the moonlight slipping into the room, through the edge of the window curtains.
But, I looked at how white the light pierced into the paint.
Yet, it wasn’t so bright. Because my room was still swathed in the quiet serenity of the dark.
The patch of light would float softly along my wall, like the arms of a willow tree’s leaves reflecting onto the water, yawning ever so slightly in the gentle breeze.
It felt good to me somehow to feel lost in that gaze.
Because I wanted all my troubles to go away.
Because for a moment, I would forget everything — the things that had been said and the me-who-I-became when they were spoken. Even the dreams that I wanted to dream.
And as I nestled my cheek into the pillow, wrapping my arms and legs into the folding crevices of the covers, I’d scoot my way close to the wall, where my bed found its home parked in one corner of the room.
I would feel peaceful coolness snuggled there.
It was there many nights I would cry.
And it was also there that I would confide in Jesus.
I would pray.
A Deeper Part
I grew up of course. And I don’t stare into the walls anymore.
But, I’m learning there is a deeper part of me that still wants to disappear — to find that place of numbness, where I separate myself from the truth of the things that bother me, from the words or concerns that don’t sit right in my heart.
I can distract myself in my grown-up, culturally acceptable ways.
I tell myself it doesn’t matter. That I should know better.
I stay occupied. Busy.
Or I retreat into my safe corner.
And just stay quiet.
But, I know deep inside, I’m not really free to live in the moment.
I’m really alone, ignoring my heart — just like that little girl, who had to learn to keep holding onto herself because that was simply what she knew best to do.
It’s a very weary feeling.
I wouldn’t have admitted so before, but I am beginning to understand.
When you don’t allow yourself permission for your heart to speak, you can never step out into the big wide world that God created for you — even as the waters rise and carry your soul through the desert or the storm.
Desert or storm, you and I were destined to walk with Jesus by faith — to trace the rainbow through the rain.
Through The Rain
We were just making our way back home from the coast, my husband, two boys and I. It was raining ever so lightly and I was sitting back, looking out into the great expanse of space along the drive through the winter landscape.
Then, without warning, our situation rapidly changed.
In less than a moment, the windshield was pounded by a smattering torrential downpour and although the wipers whipped violently side to side, to push it away, sheets of water continuously poured onto us, blurring our vision completely.
We all let out a collective gasp and as we drove through the last of the flash flood, it seemed our car jumped out into a clearing of mist and sprinkle.
And in the distance, ever so faintly, against the dark clouds gathering, a patch of white light broke through the canopy like moonlight, next to a mountain’s edge.
As I followed that light from the sky, down to the arid terrain of broken rock and mud — cracked like paint on a wall I once knew — I traced a rainbow through the rain.
Trace The Rainbow
The words I write to you this morning come from a place within me where I haven’t visited in a long time.
But, I’ve been wandering, to find my direction — to reconcile what I know in my head, with the uncertain realities of what I’m experiencing in my heart.
This happened because of unexpected changes, frought with anxiety, when what we feel we can deal with is not matching with our experience.
And it is all too overwhelming.
We cannot hold onto all these pieces.
And we are weary from trying to get ourselves to feel okay about it all.
Jesus brought a rainbow to answer cries I’ve asked in silence, as I struggled to reign in my heart.
Why can’t you keep a rainbow in the sky all the time, so I can see it? I answered. Why does the rainbow only last for a moment and then disappear?
You are my rainbow, Jesus answered.
It doesn’t need to stop raining, Bonnie.
Because I’m keeping my promise.
I’m staying right here.
Alive in you.
Always.
Trace the rainbow through the rain. He seemed to say.
Tracing the Rainbow
Sometimes we look for joy after the rain.
But, Jesus tells us joy is seeking us through the pain.
Because He is reaching out to touch us, even as we stare into the things that distract us from the life He wants us to freely live.
Jesus wraps us into His embrace as we do this.
And He whispers.
Come walk with me.
Out in the big wide world — as is.
You were meant for more than this.
In the moments your heart is open, how do you best experience your true voice breaking through — touching your soul?
On the days you feel most alone, how can you trace the rainbow of His presence — even if it should last a moment?
Where do you want to go?
What do you want to do?
What do you want to say?
How can you express that deeper part of your life with Jesus?
On the days we seem only able to offer the smallest movements, Jesus is coming alive more than ever in us, folding our heart into His.
Pull up a chair. Click to comment.
Let’s trace the rainbow together — even if it seems momentary like a memory — sharing it gives voice to what Jesus has whispered to me and you.
~~~~~
By Bonnie Gray, the Faith Barista, serving up shots of faith.
Photo credit: seraiwallpapersm via Photobucket.
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On The Days You Can Only Trace The Rainbows | Faith Barista says
[…] …To catch a “On The Days You Can Only Trace The Rainbows” & read the rest of the story – click here to join me over at DaySpring’s (in)courage site, where today’s post is published. […]
Katie says
Very nice post! Encouraging and soothing to my heart. A great reminder that the rainbow’s always there!
Bonnie Gray says
Thank you, Katie, for your heart and sharing it here this morning.
melinda says
The rainbow surrounds His throne.
Bonnie Gray says
Wow. Melinda, that.is.so.beautiful. His throne — in our heart. *thank you*
Mary @ Redo 101 says
I have lived in hiding most of my life, encased in fear. Thirty years ago when Jesus found me, I found relief from fear when I ran to Him. Then, He allowed overwhelming trials that lasted 15 years. When relief didn’t come, and didn’t come, and didn’t, I retreated into my fear and hiding. Just in this last year I am starting to come to Him, break out of my fear, find relief, hope, joy. Thanks so much for sharing this, it really aids in my growth toward Him once again.
Mary
Bonnie Gray says
Mary, what an unexpected blessing, writing from a place where I am fearful too — your story and heart here out in the open. Thank you.
Debbie says
Oh Bonnie, I was also a little girl who held it all in. I wanted to be brave for my family. I went through open heart surgery at the age of seven and always tried to never shed a tear. I didn’t want to cause them pain.
But sometimes life does change suddenly. Both you and I have become familiar with that. But praise God for the rainbows! I always look for them after the rain as I just know they will appear.
I am so thankful for you and glad that you are beginning to open up your heart to us.
Blessings and love,
Debbie
Bonnie Gray says
Sweet Debbie — do you think maybe that part of us — the little girls in us may be finding friendship with each other, as Jesus brings us along on this journey of faith? 🙂 It is tender to trace the rainbow together… even if the beginning is oh so tentative, but real.
Margaret Polino Nicholas says
Loved the rainbow references. It is magical to see a rainbow. Or is it a holy experience? Thank you for some good questions for me to examine my heart with.
Bonnie Gray says
So comforting to be here together, Margaret. Thank you for sharing your thoughts here with us.
Pamela Herman says
Your vulnerability is beautiful, Bonnie. Keep walking with Him through the dark and grey and whatever, wherever it takes you. He is with you through it. And the through is where He will refine you and make you new. That is Lent. “Out in the big wide world — as is.” Thank you for sharing your As Is.
Bonnie Gray says
Pamela, thank you for being here together — as is.
Amanda says
Listening to the downpour of rain here in the Florida Panhandle today I was intrigued by your title of tracing the rainbow. I did not expect the honesty of emotions I found in your post. Days like today, cool and wet, my physical body is the enemy. I am afflicted with several health issues in the past few years. Yet with these afflictions God has drawn me closer to him and has increased my joy tenfold. His blessings overwhelm me on days like today when movement requires focus on Him. Thank you for finding a phrase that fits these days. tracing the rainbow is just how it feels when you know the beauty of colors are there, but you cannot quite place yourself in them. I pray you find blessings from us, your readers, just as we find blessings from you.
Bonnie Gray says
Dear Amanda, may you feel the comfort I’ve received, as I listened to your story and thinking of you, as you trace the rainbow through the rain in Florida. Sending you thoughts of love in Him.
Susan says
Beautiful. Your writing touched my heart today. Thank you for sharing.
Bonnie Gray says
Thank you for you, Susan.
Renee says
I,too, held it all in as a child, having to be the adult in a home where I needed to be the child. So many of us , isn’t there. His promises are what I cling to. His strength is what I need. Making room for Him daily….trusting Him hourly.
Bonnie Gray says
This is so hard — more than many of us can express isn’t it? Renee, thank you for sharing and coming alongside to share the journey. There is comfort together & encouragement.
Patty says
Bonnie what is so apparent is the fact that God has blessed you with the gift of writing your thoughts in a most beautiful way! There is no doubt that you have touched many others with your words! You have Jesus in your heart and that is such a beautiful thing!
Continue writing and using your God given talent. Blessings to you!
tammy@meadows speak says
I look forward to your posts. There is so much of what I’m experiencing in your words. I may be walking this thing out as an individual, but what a comfort to know someone else is doing the same. 🙂 Thank you.
Freida Stewart says
This really spoke to my heart. Thank you!
beth willis miller says
Thank you, Bonnie, for this wonderful post…as soon as I read the title, I started singing all the lyrics from one of my favorite old hymns, I thought others might be blessed by the lyrics too…
O Love That Will Not Let Me Go
I Rest My Weary Soul In Thee
I Give Thee Back The Life I Owe
That In Thine Ocean Depths Its Flow
May Richer, Fuller Be
O Love That Will Not Let Me Go
O Light That Followest All My Way,
I Yield My Flickering Torch To Thee;
My Heart Restores Its Borrowed Ray,
That In Thy Sunshine’s Blaze Its Day
May Brighter, Fairer Be.
O Love That Will Not Let Me Go
O Joy That Seekest Me Through Pain
I Cannot Close My Heart To Thee
I Trace The Rainbow Through The Rain
And Feel The Promise Is Not Vain
That Morn’ Shall Tearless Be
O Love That Will Not Let Me Go
O Cross That Liftest Up My Head
I Dare Not Ask To Fly From Thee
I Lay In Dust Life’s Glory Dead
And From The Ground There Blossoms Red
Life That Shall Endless Be
O Love That Will Not Let Me Go
By George Matheson—1882
Karen says
Beth..thank you for sharing this…it is so beautiful. I will keep this close.
Katie says
Dearest Bonnie, I am continually amazed by your words and how they always encourage me. I wish I could come through the computer and sit with you and walk with you through all your own pain, as your words online have so often done for me. And your words encouraged me yet again. “When you don’t allow yourself permission for your heart to speak, you can never step out into the big wide world that God created for you — even as the waters rise and carry your soul through the desert or the storm.” I just yesterday wrote a letter to God asking me to give me strength to share from my heart with my husband instead of hiding it. To give me courage. These words pierced through the walls in my heart. Thank you dear friend.
Kathy H. says
I remember those days curled up on the stairs, my back pressed against the rise of the step, without comfort. Unfortunately, I still find solace in food. But today I started a new way of eating. Today, I am writing a new story. For my sanity I have to leave my past behind and begin this new story. This is a hard thing to do…I’m hungry for both food and a new story.
Missy says
Oh Bonnie, your words touch places deep within my soul that long to trace the rainbow with you. I loved this line, “Because He is reaching out to touch us, even as we stare into the things that distract us from the life He wants us to freely live.” It spoke volumes to me. Volumes. Thank you for sharing this piece of yourself with us in your writing.
Susan says
oh, how i love that Jesus is there with us – in the rain, in the pain. Crying with us . . .and leading (if i allow Him to) us through the pain. but that walking through sure is hard. trusting is hard. sometimes instead of facing it i just want to hide and pretend – -but i know that doesn’t bring healing….. and oh, i really want to be whole.
so, Jesus, forgive me when i am scared to take the steps forward. i will do it, one step, one breathe, at a time.
Vanessa M. says
Bonnie, I am still almost catching my breath, holding my hand over my heart after reading this passage. Unbelievable. As I read, it seemed that my eyes raced through gathering unbelievable parallels as in my existence. Well stated, my sister. You have a beautiful illustrative writing ability.
Thank you for sharing.
Vanessa
Carrie says
Thank you for sharing your words today, Bonnie. They truly strummed the strings of my heart. I am very adept at retracting from confrontation and often-perceived failures in relationships and activities. I go out and try again today with a smile knowing I am not alone and have hope in the One who gives the rainbow with the rain.
RUTHONA WASINGER says
YOUR WORDS TODAY REALLY STRUCK A CHORD WITH ME ALTHOUGH IT IS NOT
QUITE CLEAR WHY. SO MANY OF THE THINGS YOU SAID SEEMED SORT OF LIKE
A MEMORY TO ME BUT I AM NOT SURE WHY.
Monique says
A beautiful picture of hope for the anxious. I’ve struggled with a really challenging season of burnout and anxiety. I have been amazed at how God speaks to me through his creation.
Eunice says
Dear Bonnie, what I would give to be able to hug you and sit down with you. I feel like I say it almost every time but I really mean it, it touches me so much that you minister to us even in your pain. Thank you once again for a post that helped me look at things from a different angle. *smiling thru the tears* <3
Shay says
Thank-you for helping me feed me spiritually as I go through some challenging issues. Thank-you for being real and honest. It is so comforting to know that we are loved as we are, pain, struggles, issues, questions, fear, loneliness and all. Just as we are. That is a rainbow.
Libby says
“Jesus is coming alive more than ever in us, folding our heart into His.”
Love this!
I used to think I needed to get through something first before I would see and have the joy and ready to work on learning that lesson I need to learn. Not so. He is right there with me IN that storm I am going through – “folding our heart into His” and learning that lesson in ways we never could have imagined. Helping us come alive in Him as we realize and believe more of who He is and what that means for us personally.
As always, thankful you are sharing. ((hugs))
julie says
This hit home as I read it today like Jesus wrote it just for me! I want to run away from these difficult times, times that Father is pulling me out of my safe hiding place of control. Thank you for the reminder, that not only does Jesus want me to embrace all that life has to give, but that I am not in this alone. He is here and so are those of you.
Michelle Wilkerson says
“But I’ve been wandering to find my direction–to reconcile what I know in my head with the uncertain realities I’m experiencing in my heart”. Perfect words for where I find myself today….thank you for your ministry to my swirling head and hurting heart.
Karen says
“I’m really alone, ignoring my heart — just like that little girl, who had to learn to keep holding onto herself because that was simply what she knew best to do.”
Oh my, Bonnie….you put to words something that has struck me deeply…something I haven’t been able to verbalize. Thank you for your open heart. I must not stop with these words but grow from them…to a place where Jesus will take me…the rainbow, perhaps.
Beth WIlliams says
Bonnie,
You have a gift of words! Eloquently spoken! I would love to go into the world & show them Jesus–just leave my job and do local missionary work.
For now, I’ll try to be Jesus to everyone everywhere!
Maria Chambers says
Dear Faith, thanks for sharing the deep places of your heart. It is one of those days when I want to hide away to a place of peace and rest. My heart today is anxious and afraid, so it is the only thing I can do at the moment. However, it’s a beautiful day and there’s a big part of me wants to go outside, breathe in the fresh air and share some good company with friends. I know that I will have to be content to rest, bacause that’s all I am able to do today. The words to ‘rest my weary soul in thee’ will help.
With love Maria x
Trace the Rainbow, The Golden Years, Love Yourself, Stop Bullying and Laughing Goats | 4word women says
[…] “On the Days You Can Only Trace The Rainbow” —Incourage blogger Bonnie Gray opens up and reminds us that the rainbow is simply an external reminder of what God has already placed inside of us- His promise to never leave us even in the midst of storms. […]
Sharon says
Bonnie, I can’t tell you how deeply this spoke to me. It was beautiful, honest, and vulnerable sharing – and it meant a great deal to me. I was especially struck by this phrase:
“… as I struggled to reign in my heart.”
I think for me that is the biggest difficulty. Joy is hard to find when I am wrestling for the *throne*. It is only by accepting His Sovereignty, which is expressed through His perfect Love, that I can lay down my struggle and let joy and peace RAIN in my life.
When I need to trace the rainbow in my life, I start in the rivulets of gracious blood shed for me.
GOD BLESS!
Jennifer Woodruff says
Love this! I know this was posted a while back, but man, I needed to read it right now…in this moment of rain. Just a more creative way of saying find the positive in the situation & remember Who God was, is, & will be. Thank you for sharing. I’ve got to remember God made me a rainbow for storms…I can be that rainbow for others too when they face storms. God provides rainbows to show His promise to us that He’s always there & is very much able to handle anything I face. 🙂