Last month, Emily Freeman encouraged her readers to write a letter to their teenage selves. I participated in the project and also remembered another time in my life when I could have used a letter from the future:
Right after I got married.
Oh, how terribly selfish I was 13 years ago. Truth be known, a me-first streak still dances within my core … but when I first got married, that streak ran wide, deep and wild. Combined with ridiculously high expectations and the fact that a healthy marriage requires hard work, my self-centered attitude reeled in heaps of confusion, bitterness and regret.
So if I could magically send a letter through the portals of time, here’s what I’d write to my young, willful self.
Dear Angela:
You did it. You realized a dream that formed in your heart during girlhood. You got married. Beauty and happiness filled your wedding day. And about that man you promised yourself to … let’s just say you chose well.
Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. You don’t want to admit it … not to anyone … not even yourself, but you’re thinking it. You’re thinking that getting married might have been a big, fat mistake. You’re wondering whether you’re really “marriage material,” because the past six months haven’t exactly been a fairytale.
It’s not that you don’t love your husband. You do. And it’s not that you doubt his love for you. You rightfully believe your new spouse adores you. In fact, knowing you are truly the only girl your man has ever loved still renders you breathless. To be someone’s first and only romantic love is a gift without price.
But what you don’t understand is the power love holds.
I’m not referring to love in its sugary, syrupy form. Don’t get me wrong: Having an abundance of passion and romance in a marriage is important. But that type of love isn’t enough.
Right now, I am talking about love that’s laced with grit and tenacity. The kind of love that is not limited by perception, personal desires or tangible flaws. The kind of love that’s a choice and not a mere feeling.
I’m referring to agape love … God’s love. The very same love that conquered the cross on Calvary is the only type of love capable of clobbering the attacks that routinely assault marriages.
So here’s what I want you to do the next time you find yourself wondering if your marriage can survive:
Remember those eminent verses from 1 Corinthians. You know the ones I am writing about, because they often are recited at weddings.
Angela, don’t just remember the words, live them.
Even when you’re exhausted.
Even when you’re sick.
Even when you’re hurt.
Even when you’re angry.
Even when you’re lonely.
Even when you’re tired of trying … tired of listening … tired of hoping.
You need to give love, accept love and live in love.
Here are a few examples of actionable ways to love your husband according to God’s word.
Love is patient. Earning his Ph.D. will take more than seven years (I know, sweetie, I know). Encourage him every step of the way. And after he does earn that title … well, life actually is going to get harder instead of easier. Breathe deeply and don’t give up.
Love is kind. Don’t allow your fears and feelings of inadequacy swindle you into thinking that it is acceptable to lash out at your husband.
Love does not envy. It does not matter how many of your friends moved into new houses with fancy furniture after their weddings. Don’t waste a moment fretting about what you want and what you do not have. Instead, look at that man who pledged his life to you, and thank God for the priceless gift of unconditional love.
Love does not boast. And love is not proud. Love your husband, but don’t try to out-love him. Marriage is not a competition. And when you make a mistake, admit it, apologize for it, accept forgiveness and let it go.
Love is not rude. And love is not self-seeking. Respect your husband and appreciate the man God created. And as you implement ideas to honor him and make him feel special, do not do so in the hopes of winning something from him in return.
Love is not easily angered … it keeps no record of wrongs. Your first apartment together will measure less than 700 square feet. Believe it or not, you’ll live in smaller. As you read this, money is tight, and it gets even tighter. You and your husband won’t always agree. There will be plenty of opportunities for anger to barge in. Don’t allow it to get the upper hand. Ever. And when your husband makes a mistake, accept his apology and bury the mistake in a pit as deep as the one in which you would want your mistakes to reside.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
In short, love is powerful. So very powerful. Use that power as it was intended to be used. Wield love not like a weapon, but like a healing agent.
You see, when you exchanged promises and rings with the love of your life, you signed up ”for better and for worse, as long as you both shall live.” And sometimes, there is a whole heap of worse before you see more of the better. But if you hold onto Christ, and love as He commands, your marriage will be draped with grace and blessing.
It won’t be easy. Trust me, it will get messy and even downright ugly at times. But it will be worth it. It will be beautiful. And remember, you’re not in it alone.
1 Corinthians 13: 1-9 (New American Standard Bible)
If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away.
By: Angela Nazworth
Leave a Comment
Sonika says
Beautiful…thank you for this. I’m not married (yet), but have been dreaming for years now. These thoughts – as well as the verses that anchor them – are such good reminders of what I want my marriage to look like – someday!
Angela says
Thank you, Sonika. How wonderful that you are already preparing your heart for a healthy marriage
Daphne says
Perfect….I have been married for 19 years. I too…..was silly at the beginning…. expectations out the roof wondering What the WORLD I had done???????? Then I let God not the world set my marriage steps….no we are far from perfect, but together with God as our center piece and the world on the back porch we are in love God style. This will touch many, Stay strong and grounded in God’s word….loved it!
Angela says
How wonderful Daphne! Thank you for responding. I still make so many mistakes, but am so thankful for God’s grace and my husband’s forgiving heart.
Robin Dance says
Wise words, friend. You’ve unpacked ~love~ unbeautifully, and I imagine if most young brides read this…and were open to the challenge of your message…their marriages would be abundantly blessed by your counsel and encouragement.
Well done :).
Angela says
Oh Robin … thank you. Your encouragement makes my spirit dance.
Anna says
I wondered if I had made a mistake too. I think my exact thought was, “I have ruined my life!” We just had our 10 year anniversary and my husband has been the greatest gift of my life. Lovely letter.
Angela says
Happy Anniversary, Anna!
wanda says
Oh those immature early days of marriage. I remember them so well.
Thankfully, God grows each of us in maturity and wisdom. 23 years later….I’m so glad I have the husband of my youth!
Angela says
You know, I still have my immature moments, but am so thankful to have learned a better way. Thank you so much for commenting.
Sherri says
“Wield love not like a weapon, but like a healing agent.” Perfect summation. If only I had that mindset the first 20 years of this marriage, maybe they would have been kinder and gentler like the last few 🙂 Keep trying younger ones, it is all worth it. He is faithful to complete the good work He began in y-o-u.
Angela says
Thank you, Sherri … some days I wish I would have really gotten my letter when I was 25 … but I wonder if I would have listened to myself? 🙂
Sarah says
Oh I love this!
Angela says
Thank you!
Kris says
Thanks for sharing your heart, I can’t fathom God’s timing, I just wrote in my journal this morning (my birthday) I recommitted to start this ‘new’ year of my life loving my husband of 22 years with more mercy and grace. God has been writing these verses on my heart for several months. At the moment the emotions of ‘love’ seems far away. But the vow I made is just that a vow, not to be broken come rain or shine but a choice to be made daily. I have failed over and over, but for God’s grace, I still have a future with the husband God is using to teach me about real love.
Angela says
Happy Birthday, Kris! And what a wonderful way to start this new year of your life by recommitting to your husband!
Katie Paden says
Wow. Can I say this is wonderful? All women should read this to be encouraged by you to be inspired by God in a thing such as marriage!! 🙂
Angela says
Thank you, Katie!
Stephanie says
I cannot adequetly express how timely this post is for me. It hits close to home…a little too close. We just made it to our 13th anniversary last week. The journey has been difficult at best and I find myself wondering if I have what it takes to endure the road to Forever. Like you, I was self-centered when I got married and that part of me still creeps up from time to time. Thank you for you letter to your younger self…the letter to us all. It is exactly what I needed at exactly the right time…I am positive there is no coincidence in that.
Angela says
I feel so honored that God used this post — which stems from my imperfections — to help speak to your heart. Happy Anniversary to you and please know that I will be lifting you and your marriage up in prayer tonight.
Lisa says
Beautiful post! Those first few years are such a hard adjustment but so worth it…
Angela says
So true … so worth it.
Rachel says
I LOVED reading this…so beautifully written! Even more amazing? That God orchestrated this to be posted on my wedding anniversay–today my husband and I celebrate 9 years of marriage! =)
“But if you hold onto Christ, and love as He commands, your marriage will be draped with grace and blessing” ….I’m thankful that as we’ve held onto Christ He has draped our marriage with grace and blessing and to Him be the glory!
Thanks for sharing such a great post, pointing to God’s true agape love.
Angela says
Happy Anniversary, Rachel. Wishing you many, many more beautiful and grace-filled years together!
Lina says
Excellent that you have this insight even if it is by living it all first. So many live through the hard stuff and don’t glean the wisdom of doing it.
My husband and I just celebrated our 20 year mark and it too was hard won one day at a time. But we are both better people because of it AND a stronger couple too. We could not have done it without God in the middle.
Thanks for the insight… I hope all the young folks can learn from your note to the past you.
Blessings,
Lina
Angela says
Thank you, Lina. And Happy Belated Anniversary to you!
Tanisha says
Wonderful post. Marriage cannot survive without love. Every wife and wife to be should read this.
Dana Butler says
This is awesome, Angela. Such great truth!!!! Really appreciate these reminders.
Lauren Cunningham says
Angela,
This is so very lovely. What wise, Spirit-saturated truth resides in these words. As a single woman who is still in a season of ruthlessly trusting and confidently believing that God will provide a mate for me, these words were beautiful to store in my own spirit. Thank you.
evelyn says
Angela,
Thank you from my heart felt. You are so right about everything you said in the power of love. I am very touched and definitely have been through some things similar to your shoes.You have voiced out my unspoken self as well as the marriage I have.Thank you for your encouragement which has given me another insight of my life journey.
Tanisha says
Such a thoughtful and inspirational article. So many of us aren’t really prepared for what happens after the wedding. Thanks v
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Beth Williams says
Angela,
I was much older, 39, when I got married for first time. I was “goofy in love”. My big thing was to follow him everywhere in the house and want to be around him ALL the time, eventually I got over that. My biggest thing has been praising and thanking my hubby for All he does for us! I send e-cards periodically telling him of my love for him.
I can honestly see how our love has grown tremendously. I know we have an agape kind of love that can withstand just about anything–fights, aging parents, etc. He was “there for me” when my mother got ill and died 2 1/6 years later. He’s been there for me again when my dad got ill.
The biggest part of our marriage is to have a devotional time each night. I read a devotion from a book. We pray together & often and support each other in many many ways.
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Leah says
I can’t believe how in tune this is with my life right now. I have almost been married 6 months now to my one and only love (and same for him). We live in a small apartment just outside the city. Things are going very well, but I am always nervous that something big will come up and challenge our marriage. I want to be ready, I want to be able stand behind one another and fight. I have seen so many young marriages crumble around me and it’s scary. Thank you for reminding me that God’s word tells us how to live in marriage and what love is.
JP says
Thanks for the post Angela. An area I have struggled with in past relationships has been growing along with the person. I think you correctly highlight that selfless action is what is required to make that happen. That we need to see ourselves as a pair first. That we haven common challenges and difficulties. That we share our wins and our losses.
Thanks for the good reminders.
laura says
Thank you for this. I’m crying as I write. Both my husband & I are in the throws of a selfish, immature love. We are 6 years and 3 kids in, and I feel stuck in my negativity and irritability towards him. I love him, but a lot of the time I don’t like him…or me….who I’ve become in marriage. Thank you for pointing me to this scripture. I am committed to memorizing it.