The hurt was so deep, I didn’t even know it was there. Thank goodness, I thought to myself, almost everyone we knew was finally out of the dreaded “wedding stage” and into the “baby stage”.
Well ahead of the curve, I’d passed through the milestones of early adulthood before any of my friends…but that meant by the time they started down the aisles, the pain in my heart had started slowly growing.
I couldn’t even tell it was there at first…I just knew I didn’t like weddings.
It didn’t help that my husband knew enough people that at one point we were going to so many weddings, we had stopped traveling for any other reason. Our world revolved around these “celebrations”.
One morning, everything changed.
For the most part, all was quiet on the invite-front, but every now and then one would still come in. My husband innocently asked me if I’d RSVP’d to it. I couldn’t believe how snippy I got with him from just that one question. I had not RSVP’d and did not plan on doing it until much closer to the deadline, I explained, very pointedly. You never know what might happen between now and then to save me, I was thinking.
After we went back and forth a little bit, him stating why it was very important for us to go (this is a good place to add that he loves to watch his friends get married…LOVES it), me trying to defend myself, but just getting more upset, I started to understand this was something deeper.
Aware that I needed to pray, I retreated with my Bible. God started re-tracing the hurt. Years and years were unpacked and as they were exposed to the truth, the more embarrassed by my pain I felt. Shamed by the darkness in my heart, I wanted to run and hide.
He gently showed me the story behind my sadness anyway. You see, I never got to be a bride. Never even got to try on a dress.
We married quickly (in jeans!) on the side of a snow covered mountain. It was beautiful, but it left a longing in me I didn’t even know was there until that morning The pain of never having had a wedding, so powerful, I thought it might wash right over me in that moment.
I knew The One who could speak the truth into that dark crevasse, where no light had been for so long, was ready and willing, I was just taken aback by how strong my feelings were, and I was ashamed. It was a whopper of a 1-2 punch by the enemy, not only the shattering lies of envy and hatred Satan had placed, but then the shame that kept them firmly rooted in that dark soil.
I sat there with God…Him, patient as always, waiting for me to again realize, life through Him is really the only way. He wrapped me in His mighty love. I finally opened my Bible, hungry for His living word. Not knowing exactly what I needed to read, just knowing I had to see His words…to have them in front of me, to drink them in, get them down deep in my spirit.
God led me directly to Psalm 45. A wedding song.
Truly a God moment. I was reminded in that instant that someday I would indeed be a bride…in a heavenly marriage. I sat in tears for a long time. God took each little shard of hurt, down to the last splinter, and gently removed it from my heart.
It was then my heart rested and I knew I would never look at a wedding the same way.
“The King is enthralled by your beauty; honor Him, for He is your Lord.” Psalm 45:11
By: Christine, Living Joel 2:25Leave a Comment