UPDATED: Congratulations to the following 5 winners of Relate: Knowing, Loving, and Forgiving the People in Your Life. Winners are listed by comment number and will be contacted shortly! Thanks to all who entered!
3) Cheryl D. Bommarito, 17) Erin, 32) Krissa, 45) tina, 70) Jen
In relationships, I have found that we really must find the important balance between holding on tight and letting go. As individuals, we often tend towards one extreme or the other, depending on our personalities, family history and disposition. There are dangers inherent in each of these approaches.
When we hold tightly in relationships, we might very well have a grip on the person, in that we are not going to lose them. But, there is a risk in holding tightly. We just might choke, smother, or suffocate them.
In contrast, if we take the posture of letting go, we will not be as intrusive or harsh as when we are holding tightly. We might easily lose the thing we are holding, and communicate a lacksidasical spirit.
It is risky.
Imagine a delicate, colorful butterfly flitting around your yard and lighting on your hand. How would you hold it? If you held your hands completely open, palms flat, chances are it would fly away. In contrast imagine if you squeezed your hands together and held on tightly, in fear of losing her. It might crush her.
But what if you cupped your hands, to where they created a safe, enclosed, yet spacious place for her to be?
When I was in college, my wise friend, Jen, was counseling me, as I was brokenhearted. I had been misled by a boy and was emotionally wrought. She encouraged me to “hold loosely” to this relationship. She gave me the gift of this metaphor and I have carried the wisdom from that moment with me for two decades.
Holding loosely is the balance between holding tightly and letting go.
It’s not losing a hold, and relinquishing, like letting go, but it’s not the gripping, desperate feeling of holding tightly. The posture of holding loosely communicates: “I am here, I want to be with you, I am holding onto you. However, my hands are gently holding, with as much space as I can create for you to breath and move,”
This holding loosely corresponds with Jesus’ command to “love your neighbor as yourself”. How do I want to be held in relationships? Possessively clutched in a way that can crush me? No. Or, conversely – open handed with no hold or security offered or effort exerted? No. Rather, I want to be held in the gentle hold of a loving, open, spacious space of a caring other. There I find love and security and yet room to breath and become my truest self. Within this posture, we love our neighbor as ourselves.
This principle has been applicable in all of my relationships: with family, and girlfriends, children and co-workers, even with my husband and children. We all desire to be known, loved, cherished, understood and not forgotten. And we all want to find grace, openness, and freedom. We want to be our truest, best selves. We often become that within the context of healthy relationships.
GIVEAWAY! Consider your current posture in your relationships. Are you holding loosely to those you love?
We’ll choose FIVE commenters to win a copy of Relate.
{Learn more about Relate: Knowing, Loving, and Forgiving the People in Your Life here}
By Julie, Cup-a Cup-a
Leave a Comment
Nicki says
Such a delicate balance! We all struggle with this at one time or another, how can we not and still be human. Have a great day!
Renee says
My babies–I hold them tight with my arms now, knowing that one day I will need to hold them loosly so they will become what God needs of them.
Cheryl D. Bommarito says
what wonderful inspiring words…just what I needed to read this morning…I will put this into practice…I will remember the butterfly and how I do not want to harm it but still keep it safe! Thank-you! Your words are a Blessing!
Terri says
I think I’m probably holding TOO loosely, by your description. But I don’t know how to do as you describe.
Brittnie (A Joy Renewed) says
Such a great post. Hard to implement at times but so important. I try to take this approach in relationship (although didn’t really have a name for it!). I have been through a lot with my family over the years and have been accused of being too open handed (letting others go too freely) in my relationships while all the while I am really just trying to regain a balance from relationships that were previously very unhealthy and codependent.
Diane N says
I have a tendency to hold too loosely, knowing that one day the butterfly will fly away I move my open flat hands from one another and literally let the butterfly fall/fly away.
Lisa H says
I could learn a lot from is book!
ellen mcneill says
I don’t do well holding loosely. I hold too tightly then swing to the opposite extreme to compensate.
Sarah says
With my little one I know I hold tightly–she is always telling me she can do things by herself and sometimes I feel there are too many rules corner to follow, but she is our first so we are still figuring it out.
Janet says
I want to hold loosely but I think when it comes to my kids I hold too tightly . I need to cup them in my hands and allow them to live life for themselves, to find their way, to let them be who God created them to be and let Him work within them. He is in control I need to relinquish it.
Becky M says
Having two grown daughters — I appreciate what you say here. They are on their own, one as a single Mom with a son. I am still their Mom and want to keep them safe . . . I have to “hold loosely” for they are not children anymore.
Tracy says
Oh my goodness… Yesterday I felt compelled to comment because you caught my attention – today you have it! I am guilty!! Yesterday I said how I had been hurt and then backed of from relationships – until I met these two women… and now I have clasped them tight! Afraid to let go in fear of losing the best girls I’ve ever known!
Thanks for your words!!
Becca says
My dear, you may feel like you clasp me tight (or want to!) but I have to say that you have always cupped me gently – held me up even.
Despite past experiences with other women, you have introduced me to your other friends instead of gripping me tightly in fear that I will find greener pastures and get away!
When I was home with a toddler and infant and feeling alone and trapped, you took me out for some girl time and didn’t gripe or hold it against me when I tackily called to push back our dates to accommodate naptime. Even though I know inside you were panicked that it was just an excuse to avoid you.
You invited me to your church, and just smiled when I went and said it I thought it was a little “weird” and endlessly compared it to “my” church. You even answered all my questions without getting defensive, but by researching the topics and showing me where I could find my own answers in the bible. You left the door open and never tried to push or pull me through the threshold.
Not to mention you aimlessly wander through stores with me and listen to me ramble about my stresses, all the while neither of us buying a thing, and sometimes never even talking about you at all!
Thank you for being an amazingly graceful and forgiving friend. You lovingly cup and nurture our friendship, taking risks, putting yourself out there and hoping for the best instead of bracing for the worst – and you inspire me to do the same.
Me 😉
GinaG says
I tend to hold too tightly…I’m working on holding those I love a bit more loosely, trusting them to God’s care rather than mine!
Emily says
I try to, but I’m not always successful.
Jennifer says
What a great analogy. I want so much to do this right…
Erin says
This will leave me with something to prayerfully ponder today. Thank-you!
Shannon says
I hold tight to the people I love. Maybe too tight . . .
Jody Watkins says
I found out the hard way there is a difference between holding and loving. Years ago I held onto my husband thinking I was loving him but in reality I was sucking the life out of he and I both, through expectations and perceptions of what I thought our marriage should look like & what I felt he had to/needed to be. When God humbled and corrected me I realized I could love him best when I completely let go and instead embraced Christ. When loving God became my focus, I clung entirely to Him but at the same time was able to love my husband, touching, honoring, serving, and even influencing him with my love.
Niki says
Great insight into holding relationships too tightly. I appreciate your thoughts on holding loosely. I look forward to hearing about the forgiving part of relating! Forgiving (and “forgetiing”) is one of the hardest things for me to do in relationships.
Elizabeth says
It depends on the day! I will hold loosely and then forget and begin to grasp too tightly. Then I remember and begin again to loosen my grip.
Pam says
Thank you for the wonderful visual as I continue to struggle with holding all things too loosely.
Ruby Backert says
Holding Loosely {And a Giveaway}
This was such a good message. Especially applicable for someone who can’t get over the lose of a loved one. Maybe they can’t get over the grief because they are trying to hold to tightly. I have a coworker who lost her brother and is not a believer and not outgoing. So I have cotinually prayed for her as well as reach out to her as our LORD would have me do. This story was so appropriate – comforting – insightful and I think she needs to think about her relationship. Thanks
Melody Ann says
What a wisdom filled analogy…thanks, I’m tugging that one away for the future. If this is a snippet of the book, I know I’d benefit from reading it!
April says
I’m not sure where I stand with my relationships now. It seems as though I may be holding too loosely. Thanks for the daily inspirations and insight.
Vanessa Rae says
I try to hold on without holding on too tight that I don’t let God in. Trusting Him with their lives…His will, not mine.
Jules says
wow! after reading this I think I may be just about to choke my friend in the relationship… But I’m afraid to let go…. thanks for the message… I need to evaluate my relationship a little more closely….
Lisa says
Over the past 10 years God has revealed this truth to my heart through a number of difficult struggles in relationship with my husband, with friends and other family members. It is definitely a work of the Spirit to enable the “holding loosley” that you speak of. I am now attempting to pass this wisdom on to a young woman whose husband recently left she and their 15 month old daughter. So difficult when emotions are high to know how to convey to her this concept and the delicate balance it requires. Would love the help of this book in conseling her!
Danielle says
Thank you for this message. I let go, for fear of being hurt.
Courtney F. says
I think it’s safe to say that I am learning to hold more loosely… it has definitely been a process. I have been guilty of “crushing” people before… holding on to them so tightly as to not let them slip away that I’ve ended up making them feel smothered and boxed in. I don’t want to be that person. I have come to realize that my relationships flourish when I simply “cup my butterflies in my hands” 🙂 The best relationships I have are the ones that have room to breathe, yet are close to my heart.
Becky J. says
What timing..this has been a hot topic between one of my closest friends and myself…we are both in the place where our oldest children are preparing to leave the nest..and actually they are courting one another…we have different ways of dealing with this stretching time- this would be a great read for both of us..would love to win!! Thanks!!
Krissa says
Sounds great! I’ve recently been learning to hold more loosely, but still have a lot to learn!
Kathy says
Wow! Somedays I need to hold tightly, when I don’t need to I hold more loosely. I wil have to be more aware! I would love to win and read more!
Julie R says
I know I hold on too tightly, especially with my oldest son. I could learn a lot from this book.
Beth Williams says
I tend to hold loosely at first. Very shy and don’t know how to communicate–but when I get to know you I open up and hold on–not to tightly.
I try to be as loving as Christ would be and let them know I’m praying for them. If it is meant to be then God will let that person come back to me.
linda (burlap+blue) says
I adore this metaphor…how lucky you were to have such a wise mentor. I think i tend to hold tightly, not wanting to lose those precious to me. I loved this post and will definitely spend some quality time reflecting on your advice and wisdom!
Lisa says
I have just been pondering this very idea…. how to strike a healthy balance. Thank you for helping me think through it.
Julie Weller says
I guess I probably hold too loosely right now. I need to be more intentional and present in my relationships.
michelle says
it’s hard to find the perfect balance……
Linda says
I am very bad at this. I usually hold very tightly. And I feel like I am being held too loosely. It is not working at all. Because when I am tired and angry and feel like I am losing the batle then I want to totally open up my hand.
Amy says
I’m holding my dd very tightly, but each day brings more opportunities that require holding loosely. Remember those first ones: the days when the little one started walking? Just the beginning of holding loosely to the little one we love. Wow! College is a big one…
Kathy says
God teaches me daily to let my girls go and give them to Him. He will hold on to them, I don’t need to. It’s a tough thing to do…
Teish says
I tend more towards a strangle-hold approach when it comes to those I love. I guess it’s because I’m terrified that something will happen to them. It’s a struggle for me to admit that it’s not up to me to make sure that everyone is OK and “safe”. As crazy as it sounds, I think I have a hard time trusting that God will work everything out for the best.
Tiffany says
I love the metaphor of holding loosely. I have never thought of it like that before. I tend to be a hold it tightly kind of girl. It’s hard to learn to change the way you have been for so long…and kind of exciting at the same time.
tina says
Thank you for your words of encouragment. I have been struggling with this issue for some time now. I hang on to my children to tightly. Recently God called my oldest son home ( he was 39) and that broke my heart. I struggled with the question why and some day I will know the answer. My youngest son who is 21 is still living at home and I am so afraid to let go. I say “I know God is in control”, but deep down I still fret. I love my kids so much, this is a journey that God and I will take with lots of prayer and on the other end a deeper understanding of my heavenly father. Thanks for posting your words of encouragment.
OneGirl says
I think I’m learning to hold loosely but still hold on. In the past I have been the extremes, typically starting with tight and then giving up and letting go to loosely relinquishing. It’s a hard balance to find, for sure!
Rachel T. says
I need the encouragement I’m sure this book will bring! It’s hopeful to think I could change.
Amy says
What a timely message to read. I have held tightly too long with my oldest child. He is 16 and will soon be ready to leave our home. I pray for God’s courage and wisdom as I loosen my hold. I fear my tight grip has not let him experience enough of his own growing up mistakes. The delicate balance between protecting him and letting him experience life is not something I have figured out. I trust God has a plan for this and I thank you for the message and book suggestion.
Iris lin says
Well stated and conveyed. The goal is to achieve that fine balance in relationships. Thanks the post and giveaway!
Iris
Michelle Miller says
Relationships can def. be a tricky balancing act, especially if it is one you weren’t necessarily seeking out but one that the LORD has given you appointment to. Those to me are the hardest because through them, He is trying to teach us something and they are normally testing instruments and strengthening machines. If we stick with them and balance them rightly, we grow; if not, we stress. Thanks for the analogy of the butterfly, it was a very vivid image!
Stephanie says
What an awesome book 🙂
Julie Sunne says
I think in my family relationships, I tend to hold on too tightly. However, I’ve been forced to loosen that hold somewhat as I prepare for my oldest son to graduate. It has been a growing process, stretching me beyond my comfort zone, but I will reap the rewards of doing just that! Trusting God to let go and grow!
Anna D. says
Definately not. I tend to hold to tight but really struggle with this concept. I love it though and will pray i can strive to do this more.
Rebecca says
Holding tightly right now to my marriage, but trying to figure out the right balance.
Teresa says
Beautiful metaphor, what a gift for us all.
Tanya says
I have been one to hold on tightly but learning to loosen up a bit.
kathy w says
I hold on too tight i know and would love to loosen up without it hurting so much.
Tara Layton says
Wow! This book reveals so much about our need for God to help us navigate every aspect of life. Praise to Him for the inspiration for this book. Would love to read it.
LindaC says
I need to learn to give more space to my husband. He often feels I criticize him when I feel I’m trying to help him do things more efficiently
Kirsten says
I have such a difficult time holding my children loosely. It’s crazy, I know, but it’s so hard to trust them into God’s hands because His ideas of what’s good for them don’t always match my ideas. Like I could really take better care of them than He does. And yet I struggle to hold them loosely anyway.
Susan says
oh boy this is a lesson that God continues to teach me over and over… guess i still haven’t gotten in down yet. it is such a delicate balance and the way you depicted it is so beautiful. thanks so much for this!
Beth Hall says
After holding too tightly caused me much pain, I try earnestly to hold loosely, especially to my children.
Jennifer says
Holding on loosely here…. to my 21 year old.
It is a balance of letting her know she is
loved and supported…..but free to fly and be independent.
Melinda T says
Hmm…I have two young girls (2 & 6) and while I want to keep them close and hold them tightly, I also want them to be independent too. I’m still learning how to balance the two! Thanks for the chance!
Reeve says
I’d love to win. Thanks for the giveaway. !
h.drumm says
I thougth I left a comment yesterday but I can’t seem to find it… so here I am again! Thanks so much for the giveaway opportunity! I find that I hold people far away in terms of me opening up to them but am excellent at listening/helping others to open up to me… I definitely need to work on that balance.
Darcy @ Message in a Mason Jar says
I tend to let people fly away altogether if the friendship doesn’t seem mutual. The butterfly in hand, what a great way to picture this concept of holding loosely, not being overbearing and not disconnecting. I’ll be thinking on this. 🙂
Suzanne says
This is hard to gauge at times but I try not to hold too tightly to any one person (even my husband) because I’ve always believed that the harder you try to hold on the easier it is for them to let go. I try to give all of my relationships room to breathe and put in the effort for them to grow.
Ravan says
Beautiful and thought provoking-thank you!!
Jen says
I found this post VERY helpful, as I’ve been praying about this very thing lately. I need some help with how I hold on too tightly… I commented about my past in a recent post “Fragile”. My mother was emotional abusive and withholding, so I have always work super hard for acceptance. I always wanted to marry my Dad, when I was a little girl, then in my teen years I learned of his infidelity, before my mother did. He turned around and traded our family in for a new model. We are astranged currently. My past has determined my reaction to people who are presently in my life. My style seems to be – Open Book(looking for acceptance), Comfortable in the getting to know you phase, then I get a grip and hold on tightly at an arms length(afraid of loss and afraid of being hurt.) Weird, but tight and distant. God has really shined HIS light on this character flaw and I’ve been praying for a better modile…a better blueprint. I’m tired of reading relationships through the eyes of insecurity. I really like the idea of treating my friend the way I’d want to be treated. Think the book could be a big help…
Brittney Scott says
I would like to think I have been holding loosely but I guess I have been more between the hold tight side and the hold loosely side. I think I understand a little more.
Angie in Guernsey says
Yes, I am. I am an empty nester holding loosely to my two children…which is really hard! I long to be in frequent contact, giving advice, chasing up on them…you get the picture! Instead, I am giving them space to be the adults – not children – which they are. Still in contact but not, I hope, in any kind of controlling or manipulating way. So far, so good…!
Jessica Mumford says
I think I do hold on ‘loosely’. This has really opened my eyes and I would love the opportunity to learn more.