I am a talker.
I am a writer.
I am a people lover.
I am a broken girl in love with her King. I love my children. I love adoption. I love reading. I love africa. I love my friends. I love to laugh. I love Thai food. I love a great cup of coffee. I love the beach. I love my family. I love campfires. I love mowing the lawn. (weird eh?) I love watching worthless tv. I love catching fireflies. I love u2. I love talking about how I got to where I am today.
But there is a part of my life I don’t like to talk about. In fact I am afraid to talk about it. I am even more afraid to write it down.
Yet the other day a sweet girl asked me to tell my story. She reminded me so gently that part of my story helps her. That by being vulnerable I am telling all of my story and hence His story.
I am not sure when the depression started. If I had to guess it would be around the age of fourteen. I had been sexually assaulted and we had lost in the court system.
I remember thinking that I wanted to be valued. I wanted to be loved. I wanted someone to pay for my pain. So I began to look anywhere I could for someone to pay attention to me.
And as I searched I became lonelier. I would look in the mirror and cry. How could I be so ugly. How could I be so fat. How I could I not do anything right. How could I not be smarter. How could I not be loved.
As these thoughts suffocated me I began to drown in self destructive thoughts and actions. Seeking out those around me that could give me what I needed. And as I sought I began sinking deeper and deeper.
Years, decades have passed. And I still struggle. Struggle with the self perceptions.
Struggle with the baggage I have brought. To my children. To my marriage. Struggle with the darkness that tries to invade me. Struggle with the fear of going back.
Daily though I need to remind myself of these truths.
– I am perfectly and wonderfully made.
-I am a princess of the King
– I am forgiven
-I am a new creation. The old is gone, the new has come.
So if you are fearful. If you are struggling. If you feel as if you are drowning. Know this.
-You are perfectly and wonderfully made,
-You are a princess of the King
-You are forgiven
–you are a new creation. The old is gone. The new has come.
And you are not alone.
By: sheli massie
Leave a Comment
Elisabeth Corcoran says
Thank you for sharing your heart and life, Sheli. That took courage and strength.
sheli says
only through the Lamb..
Melissa says
Bless your heart, Sheli, for sharing your story. I can relate to much of it, and I know how hard it is to be open.
I agree completely that we need to keep reminding ourselves of the truth. We can trust God: His gifts, His promises, His Word. Some cases of depression may also require counseling, medication, etc., but I think that remembering those truths is central to re-learning who we are.
sheli says
thank you melissa…keep telling yourself truth…
Brittnie (A Joy Renewed) says
Beautiful reminders. Thank you for sharing your words and experiences.
sheli says
thank you…only by God.
Chrissy V says
Made new in His image. Amazing, thanks for sharing.
sheli says
love you sweet girl…redeemed by His blood.
Kelly says
What a brave post, and it resonates. While my struggle stems from a different place, many of the steps after were the same. May God continue to bless hurting hearts with NEWness.
sheli says
thank you Kelly.
Stacey says
A true and honest story that is so important to be told. Thank you for being willing to lift the veil and share your heart!
Praying in the telling, there is healing!
sheli says
blessings to you Kelly
Linda Stoll says
Your story will resonate with many women who read it. Thank you for allowing God to use you, to “restore the years the locusts have eaten” {Joel 2}.
Truth be told, many of us who love Jesus have struggled with depression and have emerged out of that dark hole into a richer, fuller life. Your words will give encouragement to some who desperately need hope.
I hope these thoughts on conquering depression will be a helpful resource –
http://creeksideministries.blogspot.com/search/label/depression
sheli says
thank you linda…
jeni says
His Love is Ours… no matter how hard we try to talk ourselves out of it. You are strong to share…thank you! xo
sheli says
thank you ….only by His blood.
A.S. says
Thank you for sharing. I find that it seems the most painful parts of my life are the parts that help others the most. I guess because we all have dark places, of hurt and pain, knowing someone can relate gives us courage, and hope. I always need the reminder that inspite of me… God still loves me and I matter to Him.
sheli says
you do matter to Him. you are His.
Keri Wyatt Kent says
On the wall at our church, there’s a beautiful mosaic. To make it, a group of artists had to first break pieces of pottery. Out of the broken pieces, God can make something beautiful. I know this is true, he’s doing it in your life, and in mine. Thank you for your courage in telling your story.
sheli says
thank you…you have filled my heart with encouragement
Shari Dragovich says
Love the picture of the mosaic, Keri. Very beautiful.
Christy says
Thank you for sharing Sheli….I can relate to struggling with all of that stuff, and choosing to believe what God says about me through his word has been a new development and helpful.
Beautiful post.
sheli says
thank you Christy…His truth will come.
beth says
I, too, wondered how I could be so unnoticed, ugly, fat, unloveable… my sisters, my friends were all lovely and attractive. I was invisible.
At the age of thirty, I had the chance to join a group of friends in Florida for a few days. They decided to spend a day at one of the Disney attractions but I wanted to go to Sea World. I was standing, alone, near an aquarium, mesmerized by the movements of an octopus. Ugly, really, weird blob of a head, propelling forward by the strong push of eight snaky legs. Then this creature attached itself to the wall of glass, with it’s underbelly exposed to me. The colors and vibrations and wonder of it’s most vulnerable places shown to me. In that moment I saw myself. And I heard the sweet whisper of Jesus, “You are fearfully and wonderfully made.”
That moment changed me.
sheli says
oh sweet one. praying for you this day… you are fearfully and wonderfully made.
Melissa says
Sheli, thank you so much for sharing your story. His story. It’s beautiful. And so are you! Psalm 34:5: “Those who look to Him are radiant.” That’s you, my dear.
Praying over you right now, that God continually reveals new truth to your heart each and every day.
Be blessed,
~Melissa
sheli says
thank you Melissa…only by His blood.
Kresendo says
Beautifully written, you told my story along with yours. You truly captured the feelings that comes with being assaulted. I love that you shared these words, thank you. Then to sum it up with I am …. Wow! Thank you for reminding me Who I am in Christ, that help change my perception of myself today. Be Blessed
sheli says
i am only redeemed and made new through my King, you are a child of Him. He loves you. He wants to heal you. let Him. praying for you right now.
Amy Hunt says
*Telling* your story is beautiful worship, and it honors Our Father–so. much. You give life and shine a light on freedom when you talk about the dark times that He used to bring you to Him.
Rich blessings, Sheli, as He continues to lift you up to See His truth for your life. You ARE valued. Your life has purpose!
sheli says
thank you amy…
Trina Pockett says
Such a beautifully honest post. Thank you for posting it so that other women might find hope. Incredible.
sheli says
thank you trina
Jenny @ The Southern Institute says
Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing. I truly believe that God will use that vulnerability to heal. May He bless you as you walk through this. HUGS!
sheli says
thank you jenny…only by His grace.
Margot Starbuck says
Thank you for sharing this. Many many will be blessed.
sheli says
thank you margot
Holley Gerth says
Brave and beautiful, Sheli! Thank you!
sheli says
thank you holley
Marlena Graves says
It’s a struggle that many are ashamed of. Yet your vulnerability, your story encourages others to open up. Thank you!
sheli says
thank you marlena
alisonhector says
How beautiful, Sheli! I can relate so fully to what you expressed. God is a healer; He sends His Word and heals us of all that would seek to destroy and limit and harm us. Praise Him for bringing you, and all of us, into a better place in Him. He makes all things new!
sheli says
thank you alison. i rejoice in the new~
Heidi White says
I have never thought of attention as payment for wrongs done against us, but, o my stars, you are right! What an insight! We seek to be “paid” for our pain through being seen by those around us. We want them to acknowledge our story through their notice. Wow – that is profound, Sheli. You have a depth in your writing that reflects a heart that sees the One Who Sees You. Thank you for sharing a glimpse into the healed parts of your story – God bless you!! I look forward to reading your blog! Hugs 🙂
Kaelyn says
It is so awesome to see God work! You are amazing and I am so proud of you for laying it all out there. The only way for the light to get in and shine on all those you touch! So blessed to know you.
colleen laquay urbaniuk @ thegiftofmondays.com says
i see myself in your words and your writing. though it’s not easy to share it is in our very pain that others see a glimpse of hope, a feeling that everything might never be ALL right, but it will be alright. somehow we make it through the craziness of this world on the shoulders of others who share our faith in God and though they are broken, find wholeness through Him.
i just checked out your blog and became your newest follower. what struck me right away was that your blog is written all in lower case except when you mention God. mine is too. i’m glad i found you today and i’m glad you found the courage to share, once again, what others need to know and hear.
may your day be AMAZING in Him!!!
sheli says
thank you sweet girl! thank you! welcome to my crazy journey! blessed to have you along!
Especially Heather says
I could have written this post. Thanks for writing it for me.
-H
Jennifer says
Thank you for being bold enough to share your beautiful story of “beauty from ashes”- a timeless truth we all need.
“I am a broken girl in love with her King– I love adoption–I love reading– I love my friends– I love to laugh– I love Thai food– I love a great cup of coffee– I love the beach– I love my family– I love campfires– I love watching worthless tv– I love catching fireflies”– Me too!!!
sheli says
thank you jennifer! blessed only because of my King!
Erin Novacek says
Absolutely wonderful and great for anyone struggling to read, too. Thank you for sharing.
Alex says
Yay Sheli! I fully agree with what Amy Hunt said – worship is telling your story. Thanks for writing your story down and sharing it. Love you!
Beth W says
I like the way Lysa Terkeurst put it…I am handpicked by God! We should not feel inadequate or afraid when we focus on Him! i (in her book:Becoming More than A Good Bible Study Girl).
How very true that is! If we shift our focus off of ourselves & comparing ourselves to others & think about Him…how much better we would all be!!!
Katie says
I so understand…. I have abuse in my background. I have brought that darkness with me and all the baggage also. God has taught me the same truths he taught you and I daily need to remind myself of them.
Thank you for sharing your journey and story with us!!! There is value and healing in sharing. (I remind myself of this also).
Lindsay says
This just hit so close to home! Thank you for sharing your story 🙂
sheli says
be blessed my friend. and feel loved by our KING!
Shari Dragovich says
Great post, Sheli! Thank you for stepping out to share it. Women need to hear and encourage one another in our vulnerabilities, reminding one another we’re not alone.
Well written!
Mindy says
So proud to call you friend:)
Ruthie says
*tears of empathy* It’s so easy to tell others how loved by the Father they are but so hard to feel it one’s self sometime. Believing it and claiming it by faith as one who always (and still sometimes) felt insignificant. Beautiful writing! You are so loved!
Anonymous says
Sheli, you are a beautiful writer! Keep writing and sharing your story as you are touching so many. YOU have a lot to say and your words are worth it. Be encouraged that He is speaking through you so beautifully. I resonate with your story and am just starting my journey toward healing. Today I felt like giving up and being done and i was feeling so worthless, unlovable, impure, ashamed, and lost…your writing reminded me to look to God and not others. It reminded me how He loves, how my worth is found in Him, how I am dirty as rags but seen as pure and holy in His eyes, and I was reminded how He is there always and I am never lost. He, through you, gave me hope today to continue and to live and to fight one more day and tomorrow He will remind me again until I believe those truths! So find encouragement in the fact that God is using you for so much and it is so evident how BIG He is in your life! He loves you unconditionally and is showing His love through you! Thanks for writing…keep it up.
sheli says
please know that i just lifted you to my Father….you are beautiful. you are child of the Most High!
LaughingMouse says
Because we do NOT talk about this is exactly the reason I blog about it. I blog often and I am brutally honest and open. However, I don’t have any instigating factor in my past, I can’t remember a time that I did not feel like this. We need to talk about this in the church. Too many of us are trapped and staying that way because we don’t share, we don’t know that there are others out there who feel exactly like we do. Thank you for being open and honest.
Maxine says
Thank You. Thank You so much for sharing this. I often feel so alone with my difficult thoughts towards myself. It always feels that no one can understand, so to see that there’s someone who might have an idea, is a gift. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I will treasure those last 5 lines.
Tanya R says
You are beautiful, and so is your story. You have an amazing way of sharing honest thoughts that open others up to Christ. Thank you for sharing, may God bless this act of courage and journey of faith. You are amazing, girfriend! Luv ya.
CHERYL E says
Thank you for being so open and honest. When I read your post I felt like I was reading my own story! I share so many of the same hurts and depression that you do. I, too, find it hard to share parts of my story. I almost wish we could meet and talk in person. It always helps to know other people (women) have the same struggles I do. God bless you!
Heather says
Oh, Shelli! How well I know your story because it could have been my own. It can be my own. I regularly need to look up because I need to remember the truths you’ve spoken of; the beauty of being His beloved and His creation! I, too, tell my story for the same reason…to help others, to remember that I am an overcomer, to say that I am not a victim, to say that I matter and so do you! Thank you for your courage and for being an overcomer through Christ who has freed you and redeemed you!
Barbie says
This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
Lisa says
All my life I’ve heard that God works in mysterious ways and I totally see that truth now. Only He could have led me to your post . Thank you for your words of hope and encouragement. All the spiritual gifts assessments I’ve taken have always said that faith is one of my gifts. I believe in the work Jesus did on the cross. I believe the Word is the truth…I just didn’t/couldn’t believe it was true for me. I have felt so sin-laden and dirty and full of shame for so many reasons, struggled with depression, food addiction and self-loathing. I couldn’t wrap my head aroudn the fact that He loves me. Still can’t. Luckily my heart is intervening and letting me have faith to accept that precious gift of His love and mercy. I am amazed by the truth I hear when I shut up and listen. Thank you for reminding me that healing is in His wings.
sheli says
lifting you up right now. you are not alone sweet one. the devil wants us to believe that we are what happened. we are not. we have been covered by the blood of the Lamb. you are clothed with His spirit. know this. you my friend are not alone.