I grew up with comfortable familiarity wrapped around me like wide-blue skies around my Oklahoma prairies. My last name of O’Neill put me right at home on my country lane, literally named O’Neill Lane. In the very real sense, my neighbors equaled family. For my entire growing-up years, I went to school in the same smallish town followed by college only forty miles away. Not once did I have to work to meet people; family and friends were always there.
That is, until a good lookin’ Air Force man won my heart, put a ring on my finger, and took me from Oklahoma to the moon.
OK, it was Ohio. But to me? It could have been the moon. I didn’t know a soul and had to figure out how to build friendships without the crutch of a shared history. How do I get to know people – let alone form relationships with them – and be a part of their community? When the scariness of putting myself out there overwhelms me? When it seems like so much work?
May I share some things I learned {mostly the hard way}?
First Steps to Building Near and Dear Relationships
Fake it ’til you feel it. I don’t recommend this for every life circumstance, but here it works. When I am in a new situation or with new people, I don’t always feel like putting myself out there to meet others. Whether sticking to those I already know or plopping my alone, cross-armed self down in a corner chair, sometimes I’d rather rest in the comfortable, thank you very much. Feelings trick and manipulate, so occasionally I need to act my way into feeling how I want rather than waiting for the feeling to show up first.
Make the first move. Your Mama may have said this is bad advice for dating, but it’s good advice for meeting new gal pals. As the Holy Spirit nudges, I intentionally walk up to others, stick out my hand, and smile saying, “Hi! I’m Kristen! It’s so nice to meet you!” It breaks the ice and relaxes the other person. I’ve done the whole I’m-gonna-sulk-’til-someone-sees-I’m-alone thing, and it comes across as selfish and un-inviting.
Talk about her. Asking a new acquaintance questions about herself often calms and de-stresses the environment. Some possible questions include:
“Where are you from originally?”
“Where do you like to travel?”
“What do you like to do for fun?”
It may sound forced right here, but her answers give clues for follow-up questions. Before long, conversation flows easily and naturally. Also, arming myself with this mental list helps me practice being a good listener.
Sisters, if putting these ideas into practice gives you jitters but you know your life is missing close by friendships, may I take your hand and {sweet} talk you into attending an (in)RL meet up? And if there isn’t one in your area, perhaps you can make the first move by opening your heart to host one? Maybe local gals could meet in your home, your church, or your neighborhood Starbucks. Any place is the perfect place to dip your toes in the sand, get your feet wet, and embrace new friendships beach house style!
God wants to use our lives to impact eternity, and building close by, present relationships does this. While I can’t guarantee these first steps will lead to near and dear relationships every time, I can guarantee doing nothing won’t. As I live Christ by opening the door to my heart and inviting Him in, I possess the extravagant dimensions of Christ’s love to give others, to invite them into my heart. And in God’s economy, the more I give, the more I get. I then see how good-for-the-heart gathering blesses me most of all!
What (in)couragement can you offer to those needing first-step help in building near and dear relationships?
By Kristen Strong, Chasing Blue Skies
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So true, especially for us military spouses. Unfortunately the internet can be a double edged sword for some military wives, as there is less motivation to get out and meet people IRL.
I’m hosting an (in)RL meetup and I am soooo excited about it! For anyone who is wanting to meet new people but discouraged, I would encourage you to start small. Maybe join a small group at your church, or the women’s group perhaps? Volunteer in the nursery and you’ll likely meet other young moms.
And most of all? Don’t worry so much about how you look, how you act, how you seem. We’re all the same, and we’re all usually so worried about how we appear to others that we don’t notice your perceived flaws. 🙂
Fantastic ideas here, Shari! Thanks for your wisdom!
Done all of that and I’m still alone. Surrounded by so many, yet alone.
Tracey I’m so sorry you still feel alone. And, yes, being surrounded by so many makes the loneliness feel lonelier. I pray you have a church family where you can try these excellent tips. Pick out one friendly face every week to introduce yourself to. Take the bull by the horns and invite someone to lunch. Join groups where you are sure to have similar interests (sewing or crafting or scrapbooking or TaeKwonDo or whatever). I’m new in my town, too, but in the town I just left, my closest friends were at my gym.
What’s an IRL meetup? 🙂
Ah, Maureen, thanks so much for asking! Basically, it’s a way for the (in)courage community to meet together in real life! Follow this link for the beautiful details: http://www.inrl.us/index.php
Ministry is like military. You don’t always end up living near family and you’re often the NEW girl!
I’ve lived in my current town for 10 years now and still don’t have friends like I did before. It takes a lot of work and when you’re in the throes of parenting/jobs it’s extra hard.
Friendships are always worth it.
{For such a time as this…}
Wanda, I have such admiration for all those in ministry! And you’re right…ministry *is* a lot like military {although I believe y’all face more challenges}. Praying now you find a good gaggle of girlfriends within life’s craziness, sweet mama. In His time…
When I moved to town a few years ago, I remember saying to myself, “Ok, you can stay home and alone, or you can be brave and maybe, just maybe make a new friend.”
So glad I did that. As God has brought some amazing women into my life that I now count as my dear sisters!
Great stuff Kristen!
Stacey!! You are one of the most genuine, encouraging, beautiful souls God ever knit together. You are the best kind of friend to all in your circle of influence! xoxo
Good words! And totally in line with what Lisa-Jo put as her Five Minute Friday topic today! Thanks for these tips… I’m one of those who struggles to make new, meaningful friendships. (I’m a bit awkward, so it takes a while!) Timely post!
Don’t we all feel awkward at this? I like what Martha said below…basically, we ourselves are generally too worried about what we are saying or doing to give much thought to the other person’s words or actions. ‘Tis true, I think!
And didn’t I meet you at She Speaks this year? Or am I just thinking of seeing you around the ‘net? Either way, you’re completely darling.
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good word… good reminder. Thanks!
Thank you, Jami!
Kristen, you, my dear, are a ray of sunshine wherever you go. And knowing how intentional you are about that (you make it seem effortless) makes me adore you even more!
Oh Holley, you are forever the reigning queen of all things encouraging! I love you so much. Thank you for being my Sister…for being a Sister to *all* us gals! xoxo
Thanks for this encouraging and helpful post! I love the reminder that we have deep and wide love of Christ to give.
And thanks for the nudge the fake it till you feel it, I needed to hear that. I do it at work – I put on a smile and do my best to be welcoming and to connect, often past my comfort zone. However, in social situations, I tend to go by how I fee (and as an introvert, I tend to not ‘feel’ like being outgoing)l. It’s a good reminder to be more intentional and make more effort in social situations as well, because it does lead to real connections.
So appreciate you, Jadyn!
I want to be careful with the “fake it ’til you feel it” line because I don’t want anyone to think I’m suggesting we put on masks or plastic smiles. But there are times when I *know* I should do something, and if I wait for the “want to” feelings to show up I may never get ‘r done. So I {hopefully} choose to just do the thing, and often in the doing I find my feelings coming around after all. It isn’t easy, is it?
And YES we have Christ’s reserves at our disposal! May we all look to Him for strength to step out!
This is excellent advice. As a naturally shy introvert-turned-Army wife, I had to learn reeeally fast how to put myself out there. I also had to learn that people will both take me and leave me, and that is just fine. I often make a total idiot out of myself during that initial conversation, but if the person is one that I will be friends with, the truth is that she doesn’t care, or she thinks it is funny and it breaks the ice.
So…are we going to have a post aimed at people who aren’t the new girl, who maybe have plenty of close friends? About how sometimes they need to reach out to people? I’ve noticed that military communities seem to be easier to make friends in, but out in the real world–man, it’s brutal! People have their little circles and are not interested in inviting other people into them. It’s a little cruel. When I’m somewhere that I’m surrounded by my close friends I try to remind myself to look out for someone who might need to be included. Wow, sorry, this is way too long.
I’ve so been there Martha. Used to be a military wife and it seemed friendships were easier to build at that time. Unfortunately none of those friendships have lasted. This was an era before cell phones and personal computers. I have never been good at making friends too many times I try and feel rejected which leads me to feel why should I bother. I am a lot like Kristen in that I want to sulk in the corner until someone notices that I’m alone. Or not go to church and see if anyone even notices that I’m there. Funny I’ve never thought about how others perceive me….
I am attending a church function tonight and will make a huge effort to put myself out there again. Thanks for the encouragement.
Sweet Annette, keep on keeping on, Friend. I’m praying God directs you to some quality friendships soon as you keep your eyes fixed on Christ. Do tell us how the function goes, okay?
Martha, that’s a brilliant post idea! And kudos to you for keeping eyes peeled for the new person, to welcome her in words and actions. I need to be more conscious of this…I know at times I’ve rested in my familiar people rather than reached out. Thank you for your wisdom here, Martha. 🙂
uhhh it’s so hard, but the effort is well worth it! I’m learning the importance of being intentional. Whenever I’m intentional about a struggle despite feelings, I can see changes almost immediately. Thanks for the great advise Kristen!
Jennifer, intentional despite feelings…*that* is it. Thank you, Dearie. xoxo
This seems to have my name on it today. As I had never moved until about 16 mos. ago. And it felt like to the moon as it is 18 hrs. from what I always called home. Definitely have learned to make the first move and “un-cross” my arms. So glad to find your website. What a blessing.
What a delight you are, Annette. Uncrossing my arms with you so we can link them and join forces to push through the hard stuff. Praying for you now, Sister…
When I met you at She Speaks, I was struck by your open heart and beautiful, welcoming smile. You live out the wisdom and courage in this post, Kristen! God bless you – I love your blog and your spirit!! Hugs!
Heidi, I look for you every time I’m at Chick fil a! 🙂 It was wonderful meeting you at She Speaks, and the cherry on top was finding out we’re both in the Springs! 🙂
Thank YOU for the encouragement, sweet girl. You are a gift.
It’s definitely hard being the new one. In college it was nowhere near this tricky, but ever since then it seems as though people I meet are nice, but they already have their close friends and most don’t seem to open their hearts to more. Every now and again I meet some special kindred spirit and those post-college friendships are sweet. And I love the internet – I’ve met so many wonderful people on blogs! I never thought I’d want to go to a blogger conference, but I’d so love to meet people in real life that I enjoy online.
Amy, some seasons do prove harder than others for building friendships, don’t they? Are you thinking of attending {or hosting} an (in)RL meet up? Maybe check it out?
I recently moved and people would have to be extremely brave to meet up in the construction zone I call home, so I’m not sure hosting would be a great idea for me. I do want to attend an IRL meetup, though. I think it would be fun!
It can be hard being the “new girl” in town, especially larger cities. One thing I found out that helps is getting involved in some activities like ACS Relay for Life, or a Bible Study at church, local Kiwanis club.
Getting out & doing things opens up all kinds of doors & opportunities to meet people.
Great advice!
I so love this. I am naturally shy and grew up in a tiny agricultural town in Northern California where everyone knew each other. And it was a place that actually felt too small, too closed in. I so just longed to move away and be free . . . but yet it was hard to figure out how. Moving away from home for college was what I needed to do to feel more confident in myself. I had leaned on my family as a crutch, socially, and with my first step out, to first a small college, and then to a larger one, and then to a move across the country where, except for my husband, I didn’t know a soul. . . I finally began to find my way and to grow confident to take risks like the ones you so beautifully describe — risks that felt impossible to me when I was younger. Thank you so much for sharing this, Kristen! Gratefully, Jennifer
Oops, I hit “submit” too fast! The “anonymous” comment is from me! 🙂
“Make the first move.” That’s big. But it works. And you’re right. The other option doesn’t work. I know. I’ve tried that one, too. 🙂
Perfect, Kristen!
I loved how Lysa T. asked folks, “So — tell me one thing that you’re excited about these days?” What a great opener!
I love you women…
Practical tips. Thank you. It is often hard to articulate a strategy to find friends when you are transitioning your whole life to a new city. We have journeyed through this zone at a break-necking pace with one job moving us through four new cities in a total of five years. It is hard. H.A.R.D.
If I could offer something from my experience in seeking out dear friends it would be to practice hospitality over and over. Not the soup-to-nuts-house-has-to-look-like-I-didn’t-just-move-in kind but the kind where you greet your neighbor, make eye contact with the clerk/mom at the park/family in the pew so when you do introduce yourself it isn’t as terrifying and allows space for the connection of human spirit. We are all broken (yes, even those people who have never been in your shoes moving all over creation!) and practicing hospitality puts you in an active place of showing Christ to others.
As I continue to pray for courage to meet people in our newest city I am pleased to see there is an (in)RL host close by. What a gift. Thank you for your words and links. 🙂
Blessings to you all! Melissa
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