My friends and I didn’t pass notes during middle school.
Instead, we passed entire notebooks. Sharing a notebook with a friend – and passing it back and forth all day long – was all the rage.
It makes sense, really. First of all, it demanded exclusivity, the currency of junior high drama. But the benefits didn’t end there. We could write longer letters, we could refer back to previous notes if needed to win an argument, and handing a notebook to a classmate was much less conspicuous than handing off a piece of notebook paper folded into a heart.
What doesn’t make sense is keeping more than a dozen of these notebooks well past graduation. From college.
Besides being weird and immature, holding onto those notebooks wasn’t good for my heart. While some of them were inconsequential and painless to revisit, others contained words that hurt then – and hurt now.
It’s been many years since I ruthlessly cleaned out my cedar chest full of schoolgirl memories. I tossed those spiral-bound books in the trash with abandon (and, okay, just a twinge of sentimental regret). It hasn’t been quite as many years since I threw away another shoebox full of cards and notes from my adolescent days, but it was still quite a while ago.
And yet, some of the words linger. Some of the relationships were never mended, and those childish wounds never healed.
As much as I’d like to say those awkward teen years are the only ones that created a mental scrapbook and internal soundtrack of pain, it wouldn’t be true. Even though I know it’s no good for me, I seem to hold onto the words that hurt the most. I periodically purge my boxes of keepsakes for those things that only remind me of sadness, but I hold tightly to their memory and replay them.
“You have a big nose and a shiny forehead.”
“We’re not going to be your friend anymore.”
“You’ll never make it in college. You won’t have any friends.”
“I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d judge me.”
“Well, I’m sorry, but they said they hate you.”
“Are you sure the problem isn’t you?”
If I let it, that is the soundtrack that plays in my head. That is the stack of memories I keep in my heart’s shoebox. Those are the words I hold onto tightly.
But only when I forget the truth.
Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. (Philippians 4:8)
While my treacherous brain retains a handful of insults, criticisms and careless, stinging words, I also have a file of encouraging conversations, compliments and other words of love. And that file? It’s overflowing.
That file is full of love notes from my mom (who still calls me “beautiful baby girl”), sweet words from true friends (like the Facebook message that says, “You’re an amazing friend!”), and memories of so many other encouragements (one of my favorites being the grad school professor who said – twice! – I was “a ray of sunshine”).
These words are the ones I want to keep, in my box of memories and my heart. I think I’ll put the others through the shredder.
What memories do you focus on? Which words do you hold in your heart?
By: Mary, Giving up on Perfect
Jamie says
This was timely for me – thank you! I ran across some old letters the other day and couldn’t bring myself to throw them out, even though they were painful rather than good to think about. This was the kick I needed to let them go on focus on the good!
Mary @ Giving Up on Perfect says
I love it when timing is perfect like that. Yes, throw them out!
Brittnie (A Joy Renewed) says
Oh the good old middle school notes!! I can totally relate!! Time to pull out that file of encouraging words and uplifting memories instead. This is a great reminder to step back and refocus our time, thoughts and energy, thanks.
Mary @ Giving Up on Perfect says
It really is a matter of perspective – and where we focus our minds and hearts, isn’t it?
Amy Hunt says
For so long my heart couldn’t See the Truth–I’d doubt other’s truth-telling {about me} and I’d over-think a generous-giving of time with me; I’d make everything about what I might have done wrong, not willing to consider anyone else’s faults or responsibilities in situations–only seeing my role, my fault, my shame. There’s a lot of reasons for all of this–pride enters in and makes herself cozy.
But now…now I See the Truth. I dance with the Truth. And I celebrate the Freedom that comes with this focused heart on truth. It’s such Amazing Grace, this transformation, and it truly changes Every. Thing.–futures, present situations, and even the way the past is looked upon.
And though the days of living in disbelief of the truth are painful to reflect upon, I am clinging to the grace that speaks truth of this–All. Is. For. Purpose…even those times of the inability to See–for, His big-love can be evidenced in such a more personal way.
You wrote some important stuff here, Mary, and I’m appreciative for the gratitude that it rings in my heart today.
Rich blessings as you truth in Our Father for the purpose in even *those times*…
Mary @ Giving Up on Perfect says
Amy, thank you so much for sharing your heart here. “I dance with the Truth” – THAT is beautiful.
Sue says
I was wondering if anyone else had passed a notebook back and forth!! My best friend and I did that all through high school. We sometimes wouldn’t have the same classes together so I’d write her a long note and give her the book in passing between classes. It was such fun! No one ever knew what was in that notebook… but we did. It was the best thing we could’ve come up with! Thank you for letting me remember this time.
Mary @ Giving Up on Perfect says
I’m glad you could take a trip down memory lane with me!
Stacey says
I keep every card from my family and close friends. I made a special Friend Album & put all the cards & notes from each person in it. It’s cherished & makes my heart SMILE so big when I look at it. Each friend has there name spelled out and an adjective with each letter describing them. I’ve always told my boys that there is only one thing that can never be taken back and it’s an unkindly spoken word from our mouth. Words impact our hearts greatly. Have A Great Week-end! Love, Stacey ヾ(@⌒ー⌒@)ノ
Mary @ Giving Up on Perfect says
Stacey, that is a GREAT idea. I need to make a friend album, too!
Kris says
Thank you…this reminds me to be the encouraging words and thoughts in the notebooks stored in the brains and hearts I share with friends, co-workers, people I meet. Words are powerful and we hold the ability to be powerful kindness and encouragement.
Mary @ Giving Up on Perfect says
Words ARE so powerful, aren’t they? I was really convicted by a sermon on the tongue and our inability to control with on our own the other week. Thank God He’s here to help us speak kindly and lovingly!
Jennifer says
I am somewhat obsessive about keeping everything that has meant something to me. It had become ridiculous for a while, and I eased up, keeping only the things that really mattered. But I know I need to do some cleaning, especially in my heart that has held on to the “not so pretty” messages from earlier years. Lovely post. 🙂
Mary @ Giving Up on Perfect says
Oh yeah. Clean out the ugly words and then you’ll have room to hold onto the lovely ones!
Anonymous says
I, too, keep letters and cards from family, friends and mission folks I help. They mean a lot ot me and bring back memories of helping folks and the love that was shared! 🙂
I truly need to clean my head and heart – basically just tell Satan to go take a flying leap off a tall bridge – and rid myself of all the ugly talk he whispers to me…”You’re not … smart enough, good enough, talented, pretty, etc”.
Lovely & Timely post!!! @:)
Mary @ Giving Up on Perfect says
Absolutely do not listen to those lies. You ARE enough. You are! 🙂
patti says
Just last week I opened the box of letters, cards and notes from friends and family from 30 years ago. Yes, 30 years. I found many treasures among the letters, but one from my Grandparents that I had forgotten about. They are both deceased now and the letter is the last one I got from them in 1982. They both wrote me on one piece of paper. I was away at school in Florida. It felt so good to read their words and feel their love again.
Mary @ Giving Up on Perfect says
Wow! What a blessing to find those treasures!!
tammie says
“I think I’ll put the others through the shredder.”
:like: no, wait, i LOVE it. 🙂
Mary @ Giving Up on Perfect says
🙂
Amy McCollister says
This is very timely for me. I recently had a very tight friendship spiral down the drain. This lead me to a lot of questioning of things I had learned from said friend, and kept me from doing some of the things I love to do the most: the main one being journalling of my prayers, and such. I found myself not being able to open any (and I mean ANY of my journals) the main reason being; this friend had given these journals to me. Each time I went to write in them, I was reminded of the hurt, pain and scars still fresh from that friendship.
Well, about a week ago, my younger sister was school shopping with her boyfriend, she picked me up 4 composition notebooks. Lo and Behold (our God is amazing) the number of NEW journals was the exact number of the other journals I had. This allowed me the freedom to throw out the 4 causing pain and restart –fresh; for me; for no one else– and start journalling again.
Mary @ Giving Up on Perfect says
Amy, I’m so sorry to hear about your friendship’s end. But what an immense blessing from your sister! God is good, isn’t He?
Amy McCollister says
He really is. That was the exact phrase I used when I saw that the incoming journals and the outgoing journals were the same amount.
Floralba says
Middle school was one of the most awkward times of my life – I don’t even like to remember the traumatizing experiences of being made fun of – metal mouth (braces), teasing, boys were the worst. I”m so grateful to have moved on – thank you for reminding me to think on the lovely things!
Mary @ Giving Up on Perfect says
Oh, yes. Don’t think about middle school. 🙂 Just the lovely things and His Truth!
Kate @ Songs Kate Sang says
We had a notebook too! Me and chicago Jen! We traded it after sunday school EVERY Sunday!
Mary @ Giving Up on Perfect says
Ooooh, I imagine you could fill LOTS of pages with a whole week to write!
Rhonda J. Smith says
Mary,
Junior high was absolutely the most challenging years of my childhood. I had awful things said about me by a former best friend and a group of her cronies. Though I knew none if what they said was who I was (except racoon eyes from my cheap eyeliner), the sting of being ostracized remained with me for years. I praise God for His word and reminders that come from others like you in this beautifully constructed message of lovely, God-infused truths that help me to keep renewing my mind to have the mind of Christ. Yes, what God says about us is what matters. Those are definite treasures to keep.
Mary @ Giving Up on Perfect says
Rhonda, I’m so sad to hear that your former friend treated you so badly. Those things last for a long time, don’t they? I’m so thankful God is the ultimate comforter and truth-speaker, reminding us that what HE says is what matters.
Lisa H says
What if the words were not written but spoken?They are forever embedded in my memory. What if after the words were not being spoken anymore but were taunting me in my mind? They spoke many many lies that stripped me of my ability to trust, to love completely, to hear any truths that were spoken to me. I have pictures not letters. Pictures that take me back to a place I felt as if I didn’t belong. Pictures that show me events that I vaguely remember but I cannot remember the feelings associated with them. Words, pictures, feelings that all taught me how to build walls very tall and without doors or windows.
One piece of paper I wish I still had was written 3 1/2 years ago—I have issues please pray–I wrote these words on the communication card at church for the staff to pray over. From that point forward to now I have ~ 1800 emails full of words from a person God sent directly to me because of those 5 words I wrote January 2008! Words of caring, compassion, encouragement, support, determination, correction, teaching, prayers, and above all, words of love.
The words that were spoken will never be taken away from my memory. I will never forget those words or the pain or the shame or the guilt they caused me. But God has replaced those spoken words with new words that are spoken ever so gently, lovingly and soothingly (is that a word?) Words that taught me about our God who has never stopped loving me, who never forgot about me, who has a great book written just for me that is full of loving words also! As long as I don’t single handedly crash yahoo mail, I will not get rid of these emails because I read them often for reminders of truths I need to know!
Mary @ Giving Up on Perfect says
Ohhhh, Lisa, my heart aches for what you’ve described here. But oh, the joy of an unexpected blessing and friend! 1800 emails? That is INCREDIBLE! So thankful God has replaced those ugly words with words of beauty.
gitz says
my best friend from high school came to visit me this summer and she brought along old cards i had written to her {i worked at Hallmark in high school… fitting}… it made me so glad she kept them, and I have a stack, too. reminders of love all around.
but you’re right… i have that file in my brain that holds onto the hurt ones, as much as I wish i didn’t. it’s crazy how easy it is for the words of “not good enough” to get tucked away instead of purged from our hearts.
Mary @ Giving Up on Perfect says
It would make me feel so good to see that someone had kept my letters or cards, too! And yes, those lies of not good enough – they ARE the ones we need to shove out of our hearts to make room for the Hallmark cards and love notes. 🙂
Jenny says
The tape recorder that I have played back over and over in my mind with the unkind things people have said over the years needs to be retired. If I spent the same amount of time and energy into reciting verse Phil 4:8 over and over in my mind, I would feel quite differently I am certain. Thank you for your timely words and encouragement.
I came away from this really realizing how powerful our words are. Oh the joy and pain that we can place or inflict on others is quite terrifying to me.
And as Christians we have to be more aware than ever of sin enveloped in “good intentions”. I have had the most painful statements said to me wrapped up in “Well I just thought you needed to know…” or “I’ve been really talking to God or praying for you about your…”
The two things I mentioned above happened over 20 years ago and I thought about both of those things this week. Yikes. It’s time to pull the ribbon out of the tape cassette. Cassettes are so 1980 anyways.
Ruthie says
Great post!! I often think back to the middle & high school years…they weren’t the best years of my life – that is for sure. I “see” some of those mean girls now on Facebook and can clearly tell which ones have changed, and which ones still have that “better than everyone else” attitude. Every so often, I go on an “unfriending” spree…because who needs that when we have “real” friends & a God that’s bigger than any problem we could ever imagine?