“All discipline for the moment, seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful, but afterwards it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.” Hebrews12:11
Finally, I was alone in my bedroom, door closed, sipping a cup of hot tea and desperately hoping for a few minutes alone. The week had been especially busy. I had spent myself on my family and was feeling the emptiness of pouring out.
Cooking meals, washing dishes, driving the kids to activities, encouraging in late night bed-time meetings with struggling teens, daytime confronting attitudes that needed correction, intentionally investing life-giving words to one who was down, organizing and following up on school work that needed to be completed, friends spending the night–pouring out my heart and life had left me weary, and did I mention, cooking one more time…
There was a quiet knock at my door. “Mom, can I come in for just a few minutes and talk?”
“Sure, honey, ” was my outward reply as my inward heart fought away a slight feeling of dread.
“It feels like you are against me lately. Sometimes I think you are just waiting for me to do something else so you can confront me with my “responsibility” or “choices” and I just don’t feel like you understand how I feel. I feel like you are critical of my friends. I feel alone. I, I, I …………”
My sweet, struggling teen poured out complaints against me–I, the one who was already weary from my giving one more time. In her eyes, I seemed to be the one who was enthusiastically hurling out rules and chastisements, gaining pleasure from the power I wielded over her, so content to make her life miserable and challenging.
Entering into high school years with her had brought new challenges. The friends who had been close and beloved companions for years, were making choices that would lead her into temptation. Her closest friend was practicing unacceptable behavior and choices that were unallowable for her.
Conversations had been intense during the week. I could see the need and longing in my daughter’s heart for friends, acceptance, and wanting to belong and hating to always be the one who “took a stand.” I understood the loneliness of holding fast to ideals when it felt that everyone around you was throwing them away.
Yet, having journeyed through teenage years before with my other children, I knew that choices had consequences, and I had to be the “bad guy” and hold fast to our family ideals. These were the years to be steadfast, patient, loving, in order to lead her to a place of blessing in the long run.
I longed to take this child into my arms and give comfort. But, my struggling child sat rigid, aloof, battling feelings of resentment, not understanding my necessity to hold fast to our decisions.
My willingness to comfort her was rejected.
As I sat quietly listening to her, choosing not to be offended or angry, and seeking how I could make a choice to understand and give my sympathy, God invaded my thoughts.
“This is how I often feel as your parent, Sally. So many times, when I want to be close to you, you stand afar. As my little girl, you question my ways. You accuse me of not listening to your heart, your prayers. You wonder where I have gone.”
“But in my love, I must sometimes say “no.” I know what is best for you. I know the ways you need to grow and the training your soul requires so that you will become stronger. Today, know that I am here, I understand and I love both you and your sweet little girl.”
And so, the couch in my bedroom, with my teary eyed daughter unaware, became a place of worship and understanding. I felt His arms around my shoulders, saying, “I understand. I have had to play the role of the bad guy, too.”
By Sally Clarkson, who blogs at I Take Joy and loves helping women embrace the great call of motherhood and building a godly generation right in their home. Celebrating each moment of life by living with joy and grace.
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Amy Hunt says
Resting in His arms is the safest place for us parents (and all of us)…remembering that He calls us there, and He gives us His strength to persevere. It is wearisome, yet it’s not about us and our comfort; it’s all about Him.
Rich blessings, Sally, as you continue writing stories that give encouragement…
kendal says
yes. the weary parent. so easy to forget that we treat our loing father in much the same way ours treat us. i am so thankful that he is perfect! thank you for that insight.
Amy says
Thank-you for this. I sit here this morning so weary from dealing with two teenagers this week. And doing it along because thier father has been gone for some time now. It has been hard but I just need these quiet moments to listen and quiet my heart and get the energy back to stay steadfast. And learn a good lesson from it all.
The Never Ending Issues of Life–how to endure gracefully says
[…] me also today at (in)courage with another article from my life as a mom of […]
CarolinaMama says
Sally! As usual, you speak with such wisdom and I always learn so much from your sharing! God Bless and Thank you!
Sherri Ohler says
Oh Sally thank you. I’ve been on that ‘couch’ with my daughter soooo many times and she will only be a freshman in the fall. I keep waiting for it to get easier. Like I will wake up one magic morning and find that she ‘gets it’. That didn’t happen for me until I had my own daughter. I called my mom that very second and apologized for everything I had ever done and said in high school Lol! Being the bad guy is exhausting. Thank you for reminding me it’s worth it.
Many blessings,
Sherri
Angela says
Oh, how I can relate. I remember going to your conferences in Fort Worth when my kids were just babes {that’s when I had two. Now I have seven}.
I’m so embarassed to say that I’m going through something similiar with my 16 year old. I wanted to blog about it, but felt so bad about myself and my parenting that I didn’t. I wasn’t sure how to express myself. Anyway, my 16 year old daughter thinks I’m against her. Just this weekend she wore non-prescription tinted contact lenses w/out discussing this with her father and me first. I was livid and wanted to lash out, but God told me to “be still,” instead.
In my being still, I told her that since she needed glasses anyway, what I was willing to do was let her get contacts from her doctor, and not from some salesman at the store where she works, and allow there to be a hint {suttle} tint. She’s okay with that. I’m not really Sally, but I realize that I must choose my battles wisely. Not only that I’m trying to let her see that she can come to me about anything, and though I may not agree with her decision most of the times we can come to an agreement that can be suitable for both of us if she just comes to me and discuss what’s on her heart.
This call to motherhood is way more difficult than what I’d ever imagined. I feel like my children think I’m the enemy. My two older ones anyway. They, too, think I don’t like their friends and so on.
So thankful for your transparency and glad to be able to find your blog!
Kate @ Songs Kate Sang says
So thankful for this post this morning.
Heather @ godcenteredmom says
thank you for the encouragement Sally. Thank you for reminding us to be thoughtful on what we say and don’t say. You spoke truth to your daughter but you kept your own need for solitude silent. I am not at the teenage stage yet but even this morning I had to be the “bad guy” when my 6 yr old told me he did not want to keep a commitment he had made. He cried tears. I comforted him, but I reminded him that in our family if we make a commitment we have to keep it. thanks again!
Angela De Souza says
I am so weary from being the hated mother, at times I just want to give in just for a break from all the stress. How on earth do you survive raising teenagers??? I ask God for grace daily but after reading what you wrote I have to wonder if I am just as stressful for God, I haven’t fully matured yet even though I am almost 40 and I know I must be just as much of a handful for God! Thank you for challenging me Sally, I hope I find the grace I need to give and the grace I need to receive.
x
Ann Wilds @ Lessons for the Journey says
Wonderfully written and oh so true. I am walking that same road with my teen daughter. It’s a natural part of her growing into womanhood by fully establishing her own identity. But it doesn’t make it less difficult. Since we love her and cherish her, we give fences to mark the boundaries. She may feel they restrict her but they’re there to keep her safe. As she’s matured, we’ve increased the size of the pasture to fit the amount of responsibility and wisdom she uses in making choices. But it is amazing how it seems to happen over night.
Sheryl says
Thanks for the honesty. My sister-in-law is dealing with a teenager whose behavior (falling grades, talking back, lousy attitude) has been quite challenging. I will forward immediately. Thanks again!
Nancy Jensen says
Parenting is the hardest job EVER.
I don’t know how many times I have reflected on exactly this. As much as my children exasperate me I KNOW God feels the same way about me.
So thankful He loves us anyway.
Mary @ Giving Up on Perfect says
Thank you for this look into your life as a mom to teenagers! I just told another (in)courage writer today how much I value hearing from mom friends and mentors who are in a different parenting stage than I am. My daughter is just three years old, and sometimes her three-ness can be so overwhelming. It’s good to hear from other moms about other ages. And…yeah…it’s also good to hear how our God is teaching other moms through parenting. It’s amazing how He does that, and hard as it sometimes is, I’m thankful that won’t end with the latest preschooler phase.
Romi says
I love this. Thank you for sharing.
angie smith says
oh, sally….
i am in constant awe of what the Lord has given you to share and am so, so grateful to have had the chance to meet you. you are a gift!!!
with so much love,
angie smith
Ann Voskamp@Holy Experience says
You mentor me yet again, friend! How I love your heart for Him, Sally. Thank you.
For making your life ministry.
I am indebted, sister…
(And I love who God is raising your children up to be!)