I was 23 years old and pretty sure I was past my prime.
Perhaps I had read too much Anne of Green Gables, absorbing ideas of spinsterhood far removed from my time and culture. If God doesn’t grant me husband, children, how, I wondered, could I be saved through childbearing? (I Timothy 2:15) I dragged a hand listless as I walked through the wheat field bordering my father’s homestead, kernels hard husky under fingers, rough, gritty, almost biting. A tinge of pink at the base of the wheat heads. A month yet till harvest.
I invoked God unwitting, without pondering my words or their import.
If you want me to be married, I whispered – flippant – you’re going to have to make it really clear to me.
Otherwise, I’m going to assume I’m supposed to be single. A missionary perhaps? Or married to my career, finding ways to glorify Him here, in a prosperous, ponderous nation?
And so I nearly fell over dead with shock when I held my husband’s hand – innocent, outside the context of friendship much less romance – while we prayed over a sick child.
We two in the ceil blue scrubs, at the changing of the guard, day shift into night shift, beckoned by family to join the intercessory prayer that had both of us shifty-eyed and looking for an escape. His large hand gripped mine, his palm hot, nails bitten down to their quicks. A current shot through me that spoke clarity into a sluggish, angry, and hopeless dream.
He told me, one day of our short engagement, that he knew his life was going to be hard.
Something had spoken tragedy deep in his soul, and he knew his role in health care and hospice was a harbinger for personal hard times. I breathed a sigh of relief, and a flood of words escaped, long dammed up by social mores and fear. A heart condition – I have a heart condition. I had heart failure once. They told me I was terminal and I was on the heart transplant list. A year ago my heart stopped and I only came alive again after they sent the electricity through me with the paddles. Not sure why God healed me. I’m never going to have children of my own bearing. He smiled, and that hot palm found my shivering one, and the clasp was reassuring. That’s okay, he said. It’s you I want, not your babies.
We had four of those babies, miracles birthed from my own broken body.
I learned the lessons of I Timothy 2:15 as I beat my fists against that beloved man’s chest when he wouldn’t allow me to return to work.
Deeper still when I was diagnosed with cancer and my entire life felt like a mirage…something promised that would never be granted fruition.
God digs wells of joy with spades of sorrow. ~Barbara Johnson
He ripened me, making me surrender everything and trust that He has me in His grip…my husband and children, too. It’s me He wants. And He’s got my babies taken care of. I walked through the same wheat field a few weeks ago. It’s been 8 years, and the field is ready this time. The blond hairs of the stalks tickle my palms and I think how God has taught me not to invoke the All-Consuming Fire lightly these days. How much more personal God is, the closer to the harvest you get.
Listless has become joyful. Impulsive then, purposeful now; I was impatient at 23…at 31 I am sober and slow and savoring every moment.
…unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. (John 12:24)
By Genevieve from Turquoise Gates
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Rebekah says
Whoa. I’m gonna have to re-read this multiple times. I don’t think I can process it all at the moment, but I know I need to “get” this. If that makes sense.
Thanks for these wonderful words.
Genevieve Thul @ Turquoise Gates says
I am glad I captured it – it took me my whole lifetime to process it and I’m not done yet!
Jessica Turner says
Thank you for sharing your story. May we all be slow and sober in the moments God blesses us with.
Sharon@HikingTowardHome says
This goes hand in hand with what I just was reading… Ps. 27:14 “Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.”
Genevieve Thul @ Turquoise Gates says
I swear for every “yes” or “no” I get from God, I get at least a dozen “wait” answers! I am in the middle of a big “wait” right now, and this verse soothes the anxious thought that comes creeping in the moments of silence in my day. Thank you!
Holley Gerth says
I’ve read that the real translation of “women being saved through childbearing” is that women are saved through the birth of a child, the Child–Jesus. He is our salvation and then, miraculously as you said, He gives us so much more in so many different ways. As a woman with infertility, that is very comforting.
I Live in an Antbed says
The faith of your testimony brings Him great Glory. You are holding everything with an open palm, a lesson He has been trying to teach me. Thank you for showing me how it is well done.
Robin ~ PENSIEVE says
Genevieve,
Wrenched from the challenges of life, your story is one of encouragement, perseverance and truth seeking. I’m praying that the women who *need* to hear such words will find them in your post today.
Genevieve Thul @ Turquoise Gates says
That’s a nice way to look at it! I’ve always looked at my life like the negative of the picture you wrote: despair, clinging, and questioning. Thanks for the words I *needed* to hear about my own story. Blessing upon blessing!
deidra says
“God digs wells of joy with spades of sorrow…”
Thanks for including that quote here in your post today. I’m trusting that it’s true. Thanks for sharing your beautiful story.
Mary @ Giving Up on Perfect says
Genevieve, your story is beautiful…and so is your heart. Thank you for sharing this inspiration, encouragement and reminder with us today.
marci woodruff says
So happy to see you and your beautiful writing here! Yay GOD!
Nikole Hahn says
Beautiful. I think God was showing you how powerful and holy He is by bringing joy amid sorrow. I prayed to get married before I was thirty. I was married at 29 to a man who exceeded my expectations. Talk about God’s timing. He wanted to make sure that I knew He had heard me.
Beth Williams says
” If you want me to be married, I whispered – flippant – you’re going to have to make it really clear to me.” I have uttered those very words. I was on a dating website and no hits had come in, so I gave in to God. Immediately he sent me the most incredible guy He could find. We’ve been married almost 7 years now.
Your testimony is soo powerful and moving.
Thanks for sharing.
Janis@Open My Ears Lord says
How can one so young have such wisdom? I’m amazed at how you’ve learned at the Master’s feet and how He has worked in your life.
Your words are so transparent yet carry me on a heartfelt, difficult but beautiful journey to the heart of Christ. Certainly something to surrender to–His heart.
Thank you for this beautiful post.
Janis
Amy says
These deep heart paths are costly. Costly and beautiful in His hands. I see His beauty, His open- hearted, shocking love in you. Thank you for persevering in your faith. For blessing and not cursing. For testifying to the work of His hands. He is good and you are lovely,
my friend.
Genevieve Thul @ Turquoise Gates says
And you, matchmaker sent from heaven, are all those and more. So glad you found me here!!
Abby says
I am falling asleep…but wanted to tell you how gorgeous you are to the Father and all to whom you reflect Him…you are so very special and I just pray you know that right now.
Thank you for saying so much, so well and for bringing us all in deeply to your life.
Praying for you…
Beth West says
What a beautiful heart and precious spirit you have. I’m blessed that you shared with us.
Amy Hunt says
I love this: “Impulsive then. Purposeful now.” 30-something brings this, I think. God mostly. What a gift!