I did it squeezing my faith in my hands. Oh yes! I was white knuckling it all the way. The car ride to the hospital was horrific. Fear ran circles in my heart as I looked at his bruised and battered face and hands. The large gash on his head sent fear scattering throughout the rest of my body. His incoherent words and terrifying loss of reality urged me to panic.
Our arrival at the hospital brought fear and anxiety to both of us. The doctor asked him why he was there. His answer sent me scrambling for help. I walked outside into the wide noisy night. I held my growing, life giving stomach. I ached for comfort. A place to throw myself into. My mind searched the space above me. “Where are you God? WHERE are you?” Tears forced an exit from my eyes. “God where are you?” I whispered into the dark air again. Grief laced every single word.
The cell phone interrupted my pleas. Praying friends called to offer company. On their arrival I fell into their pillows of soothing words. Tears fell into rivers on the hospital floor. God was here in the rivers of tears and weak pleas. He picked me up and found a place on these women’s backs. They carried my weary pregnant body home.
Later that night, I wanted to hold my husband and cradle him in my arms. I asked God to hold him as he rested in that hospital bed. My mind shifted to my baby. Tears were shed about what she had been through. The name that lay waiting for her called me. It called me to the Tabernacle. A place of peace and protection. It reminded me of who God is. He is the one who carried me into the lives of loving and gracious friends. He is the one that invited me to hold on.
I white knuckled God the whole way. It was a tight squeeze but I think he was okay with it. That is how I got through a major disaster fueled by my husband’s depression. News about our fourth child came while he was hospitalized. During the pregnancy he was hospitalized 3 times. Each time, I wanted to close my eyes and turn from my life. God would urge me back. His hand stretched out in the form of friends who call, cook and sit with you.
God carried our daughter (Ella-Shiloh) safely to term and brought peace and protection to us. The safe arrival of our newborn encouraged me to speak the truth about our struggle. Depression is not, just in someone’s mind, something to “get over”, or to be ashamed of. It is all consuming and devastating. Yet, we will survive this to bring comfort, hope, and peace to someone else. May God give you peace, protection, and support.
By Myrtle, Myrtle’s TurtlesLeave a Comment
So, so true. My mother had a “talk” with my sister and I when we were younger about depression because it runs rampant in one side of our family (we can trace it back to the 1800’s it’s so severe) I’ve always grown up seeing it as a sickness, that’s just what it is, like a cold only a lot worse. You wouldn’t blame a person that caught the flu, a person has no control over depression either once things get so unbalanced in their mind. Praise God his strength is sufficient for any of us going through depression or having a family member go through depression. Thanks for the post and openess.
Thanks Kasey. It runs rampant in my husband’s family as well. Without God’s strength I don’t know what we would do. I am thankful that I can pray for my children now so they won’t have to suffer like my husband.
Thanks for your honesty, courage and ablitlity to be brave with the rest of us. When I hear stories of depression, my heart aches a bit. I know the consuming power it can have on people. May God continuing His healing power in your family. Hugs.
Thanks for your encouragement Kristina. I knew that God was leading me to talk about this very sensitive issue. I am glad I listened.
I have heard people say ‘get up, get dressed, and go outside’ like it is a simple thing to do. When you are in the grip of depression, it is the hardest thing to do. Someone who hasn’t been through it, either personally or along side one suffering, doesn’t understand. I stopped watching a ‘famous’ doctor on TV because I heard him telling a woman to ‘get up’ and ‘do something about it.’ A doctor, specifically a psychiatrist, should know better than that. Someone who is suffering the darkness of depression can’t just ‘get up’ and ‘do something about it.’ It doesn’t work that way. It IS all consuming and devastating. BUT, God can do something about it. He did something about it for me. I still have moments, but I’m an not in that dark pit I used to be in. And I have Him to thank for that; it was and is His hand that carries me out every single time I start slipping back.
I thank you for your courage and honesty. And I pray that your family is blessed beyond measure each and every day.
Thanks Nickie for sharing. Your snippet has encouraged me today. I know others will be too!
The Mom Chef ~ Taking on Magazines One Recipe at a Time says
Hugs, Myrtle. People don’t realize how much of a strength and fortress He is until the storms of life force us there and we finally feel safe and those words become reality. Obviously, you’ve been there enough times that His arms are the natural place for you to go. I’m sorry that you’ve been through that, but glad that you know where the Source of comfort and strength really lies.
Oh Myrtle how I love you babes! You are one incredible, inspiring and tough Momma! I love how you can pour out to others even through your pain and still pass along a courage that truly comes from White Knuckling it with God. You are amazing. xo
I know God is here, but I can’t feel him. It’s dark, I can’t see Him. I function, but I DON”T WANT TOO !! I want to be open to love but I don’t trust anyone. They walk on egg shells around me and don’t tell the truth. I just want to take all my pills and sleep, to stop feeling this way. Pray for me, PLEASE !
Sue, my heart aches at reading your words. I ask that God surround you with his protective and comforting arms of love. I know depression is a daily battle. It robs the person of even the idea of hope. Don’t listen to that lie. Jesus came to offer hope. Please hold on to him. I pray that God would send you compassionate and loving people who will embrace you while you fight this terrible disease. Please hold on.
I also just want to say that it took me many years to understand what my husband was going through. I did a lot of dismissing and later trying to fix him. I felt like I was walking on egg shells. It did not have anything to do with my love for him. I just didn’t know how to respond and didn’t know what to say. Sometimes people speak out of pure ignorance. They really don’t know what to say or what they are saying. Please take care.
There are so many things in society that are taboo that just shouldn’t be. Your husband didn’t choose to have depression. I didn’t choose to have ADD. I didn’t choose to have a miscarriage yrs ago. None of these topics should be off limits. They’re a part of life and we all know someone going through something!
Thank you for sharing your amazing and emotional experience. Your honesty is appreciated!
I appreciate your openness to our story. Thanks for visiting.
Amy Sullivan says
Thank you for sharing your story and the important reminder about depression. So many people suffer from this and even with all the talk, I feel as if it is still a hush, hush topic.
So nice meeting you Myrtle. I’m going to head over and check out your site.
Janis@Open My Ears Lord says
What a beautifully written story about a horrific experience. But thank you for having the courage to share. Christians, above all people, must realize that depression is not just a matter of changing one’s thoughts. A better understanding of this physiological condition must be given to all, especially those suffering from it and the guilt that is heaped upon them for not just conquering their thoughts.
Much needed post.
Thanks for your honesty Myrtle . . .your story is so touching and heartfelt. God Bles you and your family!!!
Holley Gerth says
Thank you for your beautiful, raw, real post. I’m so grateful that you shared this with us!
Thank you for the opportunity to share what faith (through the fire) really feels like!
Thank you for sharing your story. I so understand the struggle, as my husband also has depression. Your story is an encouragement to me and reminds me that I am not alone. There are others like me and my husband, but more than that God is always with me.
Thank you for sharing your story so honestly and compassionately. Depression is more common than people recognize and the face of depression cuts across socio-economic levels. You are blessed with loving friends and family and God’s grace… I pray that others will find comfort in a community that can help during those dark days.
Thanks for posting this and for stopping by my Blogger blog.
My daughter suffers from depression. Most of the time I just don’t know what to do or say, and I’m a nurse. I never know what each day will bring. I don’t know what will be in her future. She has physical scars that she self-inflicted because she didn’t know how else to express her pain. She has mental scars I can’t even imagine. Dpression is a terrifying illness, not just for the sufferer, but for everyone who loves that person and feels so powerless to help.
Thanks for sharing your experience.
The roller coaster ride that depression brings is one of the most difficult things to deal with. I hope your daughter can find help. This site: http://www.yourstory.info/ would be a great site for your daughter to get some help.