My friend Jessica and I have a book club for women online and we just started a new book. I cannot tell you how much I have already gotten out of it. It’s called Strong Women, Soft Hearts and it’s written by Paula Rinehart.
Last night I was soaking in the tub while reading and I got to several places in the book where I had to stop reading and just take a moment to digest the emotions that it brought out in me. I had a good talk with the Lord and the book is mostly (physically) dry now, so that’s good.
My version of AA would be PP.
My name is Angie and I am a people pleaser.
I imagine several of you just repeated that with your name inserted. As women, I think we lean towards this issue because we are trying to balance things as varying as work, parenting, being a good spouse, and on and on and on.
I know that for me, different areas of my life have been assigned kind of a different personality. I am firm with my children, and as much as we have fun together, I’m not necessarily the happy-go-lucky carefree woman who can go out to dinner with friends. The fact that I live in the South has reinforced some of that, as a Southern lady could be standing on her front porch with her house in flames and still figure out a way to get inside for a stick of butter for her neighbor’s cake. And if you asked her how things were going in that moment, she would surely nod sweetly, take another sip of tea, and tell you everything wasLeave a Comment
Oh I love this!
I have been reading Thomas Merton (you would LURVE him…or maybe not, he’s a bit over my head sometimes so…)
Knowing yourself takes solitude sometimes. It takes being alone, being away, not reading the boxes that tell you that this product will make you have fun, not making yourself have fun…
I think maybe, sometimes, I even make my faith about who I am around people in my bible study, instead of dealing with who I am.
I’ve been wondering lately, how much of my faith is real, is really part of ME, and how much of it is pretend? Part of the myth I create when I’m preforming in front of other Christians?
Did I lose you?
Anyway, I love this post!!!
Robin ~ PENSIEVE says
Yep, I’m a recovering people pleaser, too. Years ago, I began to understand this about me and only then was I able to DO SOMETHING about it. Through one of my BFF’s studies (Beth Moore 😉 ), I realized the difference between being a peace MAKER and a peace KEEPER.
It revolutionized my faith and interaction with people; especially those difficult relationships….
This is such an AA alanon thing I love it and am going to see if we have the book here . I was such an enabler ! feeling I was not a good person if I said no to those I loved .
also finding out really people pleasers are often just not comfortable being in thier own skin being who they are who He created us to be which of course is not to please everyone or give them what ever they want or ask for . Often we appear we are loving giving them etc. but we in fact end up giving what they don’t need to be given 1 Think how loving our creator is not to give us all we ask for ! especially in times of anger 😉 what shape would our world be in then !
Thanks so much for this revwiew I’m glad to have popped in
Deb Martell says
Oh, my…. This weekend I have been realizing I’m not giving myself permission for “me” time and relaxing. I don’t know where to healthy mix is right now for time for myself and being there for others. Some of the time I have been having alone I find it hard to relax… Somehow I need to let go.
I have been a lifelong people pleaser. This need to make other people happy at my own expense prevented me from speaking up regarding my childhood abuse. I kept this secret for 25 years. It was only when faced with the possible disolution of my marriage that I was able to tell.
I still struggle, but I’ve learned that I can’t make other people happy. I’ve lost friendships and have become estranged from family as a result of no longer trying to do so. But I can look at myself in the mirror and see who I really am, a child of God.
My entire life from small child until college, I was so much of a people pleaser that i was a doormat. In college my senior year, I did a woman’s bible study with this same book and absolutely LOVED it. I felt like every word Paula wrote was directed at me. God had already been doing an amazing work in this area for me and finished it with this book. I’m excited to say that while occasionally I slip back into my old habits when insanely stressed, for the most part I have been completely healed and freed from the desire to give so much of myself to please others that i lose myself in return. Now I only live to please Him. Praise the Lord. He is good!
Audrey Roseman says
I too am a PP. I guess it started as a cild as I felt that I was never good enough as my cousins were always the smart ones and such (i am an only child). I have always wanted to make everyone happy inspite of how I myself feel, but finally I am starting to elt go and let God do it all for me.
I follow your blog and love it. I also was told a free book would be coming to me as I live in Mexico and my husband and I work with a children’s homei n our area. Hope the book comes so I can share with my gringo freinds here.
Take care my freinds and I lvoe you and you are such a blessing to me.
Mona Parthun says
Hi, my name is Mona and I am a PP. I’ve always been head strong and very independent, but I also wanted everyone to get along and no one to hurt. If a child made fun of another one, I would go and talk to the one who was being offended.
I have learned along the way, though, that not everyone will be happy…and that’s okay.
I love this post because it is making me think. I’m going to get the book and take the journey with ya’ll.
Thank you for this blessing, in His name.
so, so familiar. The centrifugal force of the spin on who I am most often keeps me pinned against the walls of my life while I try to be someone else’s version of me! What’s THAT all about?!
Trying to find the balance of ‘pouring myself out like a drink offering’ to those i’m charged with caring for AND the whole concept of ‘Jesus went to a solitary place’.
I need to pick up Paula’s book again!!
I like you 🙂
The e-book was apparently only available for free on May 12th. = ( Either way, I still look forward to reading this.
This is a cautionary tale for you younger people. I am now 50 years old, over 100 pounds overweight and completely exhausted both physically and emotionally, due I think in large part to this very thing of people pleasing and not being able to rest or be happy until all those around me are okay. I am presently going to start an 8 month 12 step program through Celebrate Recovery to hopefully address this…oh, and I just bought the above mentioned book off of Amazon! Thanks…
cate tuten says
Dear Angie, I just love you! Thank you so much for all of your candid sharing! I feel very connected to you as a child of the King, as a wife and mother, AND because we are both Southern! I was born and raised in SC. I still live there part time, and in Louisiana…. Deep South, deep roots in the Lord, and a recovering PP who still has a long way to go. But I’m going and God is leading and for all the pitfalls, and bath- tub soaked books due to tears and water, there is growth and healing and new strength. One of my favorite scriptures is, “my soul doth magnify the Lord”. Yes, it was said by the Virgin Mary pertaining to SOMETHING far greater than any of us will ever be asked to do. But, like Mary, who wanted to please God, not man, I cry out the same prayer: “Oh, Lord, let me only want to please You, putting You first and how I can grow in You and how You can be glorified, before I am lured or tempted to please someone else at your expense.” It is not easy if it means others may not understand, stand in judgment, shake their heads, or pull away. But I want my whole SOUL to magnify Him and I know that will never truly happen if I hide behind my PP ways. “Oh, Lord, set all of us women free to be who you truly created us to be. To say yes only when it is inline with your word and Your purpose for our life, not necessarily someone else purpose. To have the courage to say NO, or wait, or not yet, if we are unsure and need more alone time with you, or to say no if we truly know in our heart, based on Your Word, that NO needs to be the answer. Help us to be true warriors for you, Lord. Beautiful and feminine, but STRONG. And help us to truly know the individual soul that You gave us, so that in “truth and Spirit” that soul may glorify you!” Amen
My name is Michelle and I am definately a people pleaser. I just blogged about this a couple weeks ago. I have made horrible decisions (or at least the decision to not make desicions) in order to please people. I have often wished there was an AA type meeting for extreme people pleasers. (plus saying pp is pretty fun)
Anyway, thank you for posting.
I am Elissa & I’m a PP too…
Thanks for the great thoughts. Perhaps I need to read this book? (I think Joyce Meyer has one too like that (which I haven’t read) called Approval Addiction. Not sure what it’s like…maybe God’s trying to tell me something?
I agree with you Angie I am a people pleaser. I don’t like to rock to many boats. The other night I was with my girls and their boyfriends for supper. They didn’t want their dad over; as he doesn’t have a job, and isn’t supporting me very well. I didn’t rock the boat when my husband wanted to come over and they said no forcefully. Instead I enjoyed the evening with my daughters and their boyfriends. One of the daughters and her boyfriend are from out of town. We don’t see her often. My husband wasn’t happy when I got home. I told him it was his own fault as he had months to look for work and get a job before she came again (from January to May). He had not made any real effort to get a job thus he didn’t get to spend much time with her and her boyfriend. I enjoyed the visit.
Southern Gal says
I’ve noticed we women are so afraid to let our true selves show because of what others might think of us. But God in his sovreignty made us all different. We aren’t supposed to be just alike. I have to say I’m a PP, too. And also an Approval Addict. I’m wondering when I’ll start taking my cues from the Lord and not from others.
Recently I have found these words coming out of my mouth, “I don’t even know who I am anymore”. I am a deeply embedded PP. Only recently has the Lord began revealing where this addiction began. It sounds like the book you are reading is something I need to pick up for myself. The fact that my daughter emailed this article to me says it all. Thank you for your transparency.
Hi Angie, My name is Kerryn and I am a PP!
Thank you for sharing your heart, I could relate to all of your thoughts and fears. I will be going to get a copy of the book you mentioned to. I have also enjoyed reading the other posts your readers have sent. I do not feel alone anymore.
Even though I live in Australia! So, thank you again..today is the first day of a new me! Bless you lots.xx
My name is Shana and I am a recovering PP:). *cue HI SHANA’S;)*
I completely lost who I was as a wife, mother, and soccer mom. I never felt the need to be perfect…just to seem like I had it all together. Which I did NOT:). And the more you pretend…the more you lose yourself. And in my case…you lose your husband, your family…your entire life.
Things are great now…I am happy, remarried to my ex husband and our family has been restored. My relationship with Christ has been the key to it all…in Him…I found ME again.
Thank you for sharing Angie:)
Melissa K says
I completely get what you’re saying. It’s been my life.
But I think what terrifies me the most is the realization that I may be reproducing this same result in my kids.
Thank you for sharing! I have been involved in a 12 step program called Celebrate Recovery where I have been working on my own codependency, depression, people pleasing and so much more.
First, CONGRATS on that beautiful baby!
I should have known that this was written by you as I read it from my e-mail. How many times your blog and your words have mirrored my heart.
Hi, My name is Britt and I am a People Pleaser!
I could have written this myself, but of course it wouldn’t have been so eloquent! I feel like I wear so many hats that sometimes I forget which me is the real me. Is it the work me who has to make sure everyone is doing the right thing and has everything they need? The wife me who has to be strong for my husband and keep the house running when all I want to do is crawl into bed and cry? Is it the daughter me who has to act like I am not hurting so I don’t “alarm” my parents? Is it the sister me who has to act like my problems don’t matter in order to comfort my little sister during her own heartbreak? Is it the daughter in law, friend? And if they are all part of who I am how do I balance them and not lose pleasing the One who really matters? That’s what it all comes down to, ya know?!? Being a People Pleaser isn’t who I want to be, it’s a God pleaser!
Thank you so much for this! This article is such a validation and helps me not feel so alone in deciding to care what I think over the opinions of family. Isn’t it something how choosing us over them seems like jumping off a cliff when it is really just taking a step. Thank you (x10)
Thank you for sharing. I am Jacqueline and I am a recovering people pleaser. Upon the dawn of this realization a few years back, I was able to journey toward incredible freedom found in resting in the unfailing love of my Father in Heaven. This journey at times was difficult, but worth every trial.
Excellent post, Angie. Not sure if you’ve heard of the brand new book called, No More Christian Nice Girl, but it’s an amazing resource, right up the line of what you’re talking about here today. I’ll retweet this, excellent!
Angie W. says
Hi, my name is Angie too and I am a people pleaser. Yes, I have different personalities for different people/events. My real self would surely be too much for anyone to take. There’s the lie Satan gets me with. A long process to learn to accept how God made me, be that person and let the chips fall where they may. Nope, everyone won’t like me but if I have God that will be ok. Very much still in process on this. My husband was the first to alert me to the fact that I “mirror” in his salesman terms others’ behavior so I’m giving them what I think they want to find in me. Then I wonder why I find people so exhausting. Hmmm. Only by faith and grace can I keep on with the process of growing up and out of this behavior that limits God’s plans coming to fruition in me. LOVE that others are on this journey also with me!!!
Oh boy does this describe me so perfectly. I was just going through all this in my mind this morning, but not really realizing it was all part of my PPing role.
It has hit me lately (like yesterday) that I am being a total people pleaser in my life with friends. I find that friends like me a whole lot better when I’m listening to their problems and being there for them, but when I need someone to talk to they’re not really there for me. And so I open up less and make sure to ask a lot more questions. All in hopes that they will still want me in their life and I won’t make them uncomfortable. My husband kind of snapped me out of it yesterday, telling me that’s not okay! That I need to have friends that are going to be there for me as much as I am for them- that it’s not a one-way street. But I fear losing them in my life and sometimes would rather give a lot more than I take than to rock the boat. So yeah- my name is Melody and I’m a PP.
Miss Lissy says
My name is Melissa and I’m a people pleaser too. I mean, it’s definitely still in it’s formative stages, because I have a very strong personality and it fights against a lot of people sometimes, but there are definitely people I feel like I need to please. It’s part of why I apologize so much. I’m working on changing that though because I know the people who do love me, love me for who I am, not who I want to try to be to please them.
Hello, my mane is Heather, and I am a people pleaser. I thought I had overcome, but I see now that the root is deep. Working on allowing and trusting God as He makes headway in removing the root. His will be done. thanks for sharing…I bet this sin affects more of us women than we realize. In Him,
Apparently Im a little late commenting. But I HAVE to comment anyway. I have spent much of today in tears because of this. I never thought of myself as a people pleaser. I can easily say no if I want. Except when it comes to my husband.
I have become his version of myself. I’m not who I used to be. I am not who I want to be. I am who he wants me to be. Please pray for me. I need to fear God, not man. And I am afraid to be myself.
my name is Christi and I am a people pleaser too. I am also an enabler. I am working hard now to understand this behavior and find out who I really am.
Wow, I read this at a time I was just pondering the same subject in my heart. I feel like I have no idea who I am any more because I’ve cobbled together so many selves to work with what’s needed…
I’ll definitely be picking up that book.
love this! Just heard you on Family Life Today radio broadcast this morning and was in awe of how you led your children through the experience of losing Audry. It was so beautiful… thanks for sharing
I love your articles. This one specially speaks to me. But here’s my question; how do we draw the line between being a people pleaser and having “a servant’s heart”? I grew up in a church where serving God meant participating in every church event that happened, with the result that at 15 years old, I was putting in 13 hour Sundays with various ministries, plus time throughout the week. Pepole praised my good Christian “servant’s heart”, but the truth is that I just can’t tell people no. I feel like a jerk telling slaespeople I’m not interested in buying something.
As a result, I experienced total church burnout and I quit participating in any church activities, for fear that I would lose myself in them again. But taking this time for me made me feel selfish and ineffective as a Christian, and the people at my church did nothing to help with that feeling. As soon as I started saying no, they started ignoring me completely. As soon as I stopped ministering, I was no longer ministered to. I haven’t gone to church for the better part of 3 years now because of that.
I want to get back to church, but I don’t even know where to begin. I’m afraid of the same thing happening. If I get involved in one thing, it might snowball into 30 things. And if I refuse to do anything, I feel selfish. How do I know what’s pleasing to God as far as ministry is concerned? I have so many questions. You don’t have to answer any of them, but just typing all this out has helped a little. Thanks again for your posting.
cheap air jordans says
SO WELL,I’M LUCY TO READ THIS ARTICLE,IT’S VERY GOOD,THANKS FOR YOUR POST
All people deserve very good life and personal loans or just commercial loan will make it much better. Just because people’s freedom bases on money.
Travel Alarm Clock says
A Personalised Travel Alarm Clock Makes A Great Gift
Nike Soccer Shoes says
Your article is extremely impressive. lacoste footwear I never considered that it was