This morning I woke to have my “quiet time, ” because I’ve resolved to find intimacy with my God, to watch it spill over into intimacy with my husband. It has been a while, though, since I’ve felt I get anything out of this time I give to God because I have failed at prayer. It’s not that I fail to begin a prayer. It’s that I can’t complete a thought in prayer.
So this morning, I question why this used to be the easiest part of my day. When did I get spiritual Attention Deficit Disorder? Blaming it too long on “my stage of life” when other hard things have only enmeshed me with Christ, I question the Great Initiator, and instead I’m interrupted again.
My thoughts blur, and inevitably, I replay a scene or I imagine one up, and in this scene, I grapple hurt: when someone wrongly accused me or when someone’s moral failure disappointed me. Often I imagine being able to tell that person how I feel.
I catch myself distracted, and then I restart prayer. Again, it doesn’t work, and then I go about my day with an undercurrent of irreparability.
But today, because I finally asked, after wandering from Spirit conversation, He allows me to see. I’ve walked long in the soul-sickness of unforgiveness.
In Mark 11:25, Jesus says, “And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.”
But I’m honest, and in response, I say: “I don’t know how to forgive. I thought I forgave already.” Christ is so gentle how He shows me intimacy. He didn’t just come down and say, “I forgive you.” He came and He showed me. He came and He worked it out. He worked it out, and He cried, and He sweat, and He bled. He gave up His right to punish me.
So this morning, I was intimate with God, and He Agape-Loved me – unconditional, worked-out love. His love is not a plaque-worthy saying or a one-time deeming. It’s ongoing and living.
So it is to be like agape love with forgiveness, especially considering how I receive such unearned love and forgiveness from God. I’m not just to say it, it’s mine but I am to continually work it out, like salvation – with fear and trembling.Leave a Comment