Todd and I seem to be in "Spring Cleaning" mode a little early this year. In the past few days, we have started tackling some home projects that we have been putting off for awhile. One of them (which I was DREADING) was cleaning out our closets.
I was dreading it for a few reasons, not the least of which was that there were some sassy pants in a size 2 that I knew God was calling me to surrender to the "in your dreams" pile. I decided I need to take some pressure off myself about losing all of my baby weight, so I was actually pretty liberal with my sorting this time around.
I was also dreading cleaning out the girl's closets because there were stacks of clothes that needed to be sorted by size and season, and different piles for people who have little girls I have been putting it off forever, so I committed the afternoon yesterday and set up shop in Kate's room. I turned on the radio and started reaching for the piles.
About a half hour later, I was in tears.
I hadn't expected it to be so mentally draining. I have mentioned this before, but I really feel like I see life in photographs…
I remember the outfit Ellie was wearing when she realized that the hose water was freezing, and about 2 seconds later when she taught Abby the same lesson the hard way.
I remember what Kate wore home from the hospital, and what blankie I first photographed her in.
I remember the bathing suit that Abby was wearing when she felt beach sand for the first time.
I remember the dresses the girls were wearing last Christmas, when I was a few months pregnant with a baby girl I thought was healthy.
I have one of our Christmas cards from last year and it is signed "Todd, Angie, Ellie, Abby, Kate and Baby Smith."
I grieved all over again, in a different way. I grieved because I can't hold her in those sweet hand-me-downs while rocking her to sleep. It seems like at this point, the hardest moments come in ways that are totally unexpected. I start to feel like I am doing really well, and then I get hit over the head with this queasy feeling of agony.
I sat on Kate's floor and dreamed of Audrey for awhile. I miss her so much, and I daily mourn the loss of the little moments of life I take for granted with the girls.
As I made my way into my closet, I felt so heavy with sadness. I started throwing my maternity clothes into a giant bag while I had a little "conversation" with God. It was pretty one-sided.
At least it was at first.
After a few minutes, I looked up and saw the bag that has my wedding dress in it. When I talk about "the Lord speaking to me," it is in a time like this, when I feel a prompting to do something and I know that it is coming from Him. In this moment, I felt like I needed to unzip the bag.
It seemed a little odd, but I know Him well enough to know that I should just obey the urging and let Him guide me to where I am supposed to be. I unzipped the bag and for a brief moment, my mind was consumed with the fact that I used to have a 21 inch waist, but then I remembered that the God of the Universe was speaking to me (clap, clap!) so I returned to a posture of listening.
I pulled the bottom of the dress out of the bag and the train came spilling out. I spread it out on the ground and studied it as moments of my wedding day came to mind. I started to relax and my eyes drifted to the edges of the train. And I saw the most incredible, unexpected thing.
The hem of my gown is dirty. Really dirty.
And I know how it got that way. I walked down a church aisle, took photographs in the grass, and danced and ate my way to happiness. I lived in it.
A few dresses down from my wedding gown is the dress I wore when we buried Audrey. It is dirty as well, but not from happiness. It is stained with fresh earth, wrinkled from kneeling by my daughter's grave.
And so I sat on my closet floor asking the Lord to show me why He had brought me here. I closed my eyes and imagined the hem of my wedding gown as I danced with my new husband.
"… I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." -Revelation 21:2-5
I couldn't remember the whole scripture, but the words "You are the bride of Christ" came to mind. I suddenly had an image in my mind of myself in a glorious white gown that floated all around me. A seemingly endless train chasing after me as I walked.
And then, Him.
I couldn't see Him in my mind, but I felt a great peace as I imagined my hands, clutching at fabric all around me so I could run to where He was. I saw myself, falling before Him as my dirty gown settled all around me.
Dirty from the hurt and the disappointment.
Dirty from the dancing in joy.
Dirty from years of walking across a wet graveyard.
Dirty from loving deeply, richly, completely.
Dirty from the fears, the dreams, the sorrow, the confusion.
Dirty from the memories, the regrets, the mistakes, the injustice of this world.
Stained by this life I have walked while my Savior whispered, "One day I will wipe your tears, my sweet bride…"
What a glorious hem surrounds us all. It follows us wherever we go, gathering up pieces of this life in anticipation of the next.
And one day, I will bow to the King of Kings, and I will worship Him.
And as He wipes the tears from my eyes, I will ask Him the question that cannot be answered fully from a closet floor….Where is she, Lord?
And in the meantime, I will start to think of my days like a wedding photograph. I will walk, veiled, down this long aisle, in breathless anticipation of the day that awaits me.
I will trust in the One Who will make all things new in His time.
I will keep my eyes on He Who waits for me.
I will.
Or rather, I do.
Thank you, Lord. May my life be an offering that brings You glory…
by Angie Smith, Bring the Rain
* This was originally posted in 2008 on my blog, but the Lord has reminded me of this image again and I wanted to share it with you all.
Leave a Comment
emily says
This is beautiful, Angie. Thank you for sharing your words, yourself.
Suzann says
I am blown away by this posting. As I am sitting here full of tears I am thankful that you shared this because I know that my life is blessed because of it. Thank You.
Adoption Mama says
This is awesome. thanks for sharing your heart.
purejoy says
i just received an email from our pastor’s nephew who lost his baby unexpectedly just two weeks before his delivery. he and his wife received the perfect baby with no visible anomoly, but who died before he had a chance to live.
i can’t imagine their pain, but as believers, they are choosing to celebrate their son in light of the promises of God.
your post was so beautiful.
michelle says
Angie, I so needed this today! Thank you for sharing it again. You have such of gift of expressing words in a way that touches my soul and encourages me. Much love to you, Michelle
Kelly Langner Sauer says
wow. this was… I have no words. God gave me that passage a few years ago after getting my heart broken, after having to drop out of school because of my health, after landing in a wheelchair and being forced to move… Michael Card put it into a song – I bawled my way through.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rLSacpoejcc
Thank you for sharing. I cannot imagine.
Linda says
Thank you for those words….just what I needed this morning! May God continue to bless you and your family. Linda
Misty says
I loved this when you first posted it, and the words and imagery are just as powerful today. Thank you for sharing.
Tracey says
What a treasure it was to read this post. What a treasure you are. Thank you!
leanna says
I loved this story, I have the same task (closet cleaning) ahead of me this week. And I often treasure the “lived in” things as well so it’s hard for me to get rid of things too.
I had a thought about your daughters (or your) clothes though. Have you ever thought about doing a patchwork quilt with them? Kind of like what the mom in stepmom did? Then you can “keep” some of them and the memories.
Valerie C. says
WOW, What a revelation! This post is so precious and I am thankful that you shared it with us. Thank you.
Katy says
Thank you so much for sharing this again….I am the same way about clothes and about the “lived in” ones.
Marilyn says
THANK YOU for REposting. I hadn’t seen it before and it was very moving….returning to “I do!” with the Lord.
Lauren Kelly says
WOW WOW WOW!!!! BEAUTIFUL!!!
Elizabeth@LongToLove says
This is so beautifully depicted. Love it!
Jennifer Ross says
Thank you for sharing this post. It’s my first time reading it.
“What a glorious hem surrounds us all. It follows us wherever we go, gathering up pieces of this life in anticipation of the next.”…. That really hit home.
I definitely have my times when I’m questioning God, which I shouldn’t do. Overall, I know that God leads me along my journey. He has an ultimate plan. He is not only gathering the pieces of my life, but my tears too. It’s beautiful.
Dee says
Life is full of sorrow and joy. Most experience both. Deep sorrow hurts so deeply, but it teaches so much faith. Thank you for this insight. May God’s blessings enfold you in beautiful joy. 😀
SomeGirl says
That was beautiful! Now let me go wipe the tears from my eyes…
Heathahlee says
This might be the most beautiful post I’ve ever read. Angie, thank you for revisiting the past for our benefit!
Valery Braunschneider says
I had just left a note on your give away page, and so I thought I would read some of your blog, this was awesome!! and then I get to the bottom and find out who you are, I have just been blown away by Selah lately, wow I just don’t even know what to say, I have been listening to their timeless cd’s over and over it seems I can’t get enough and then of course the you deliver me cd, I am so GLAD I happened upon your blog!! God must have a reason for this!
Love’N’Him
Valery Braunschneider
grace says
from someone who is going through another kind of tragedy, thank you.
Mary @ Passionate Perseverance says
I don’t think you will have to “ask” the Lord where she is. She will be standing right next to Him is breathless anticipation of seeing her momma once again. Oh what a glorious reunion that will be.
Blessings and Grace to you…
meghan @ spicy magnolia says
I’m so thankful you posted this here as I hadn’t seen the original on your blog. Beautiful, hope-filled, vivid image of how good and lovely is our Bridegroom. I echo your prayer: may my life be a fragrant offering for His glory, His renown.
Reese says
Beautiful, Just Beautiful, my friend!
Thank you for sharing your gift of words.
xo
Jeniffer says
Angie, thank you so much for this. Just an hour before I read this, I sat down and cried because my hem is so dirty, and I’m not happy with it. I want my hem to be cleaner in certain areas where it seems others have kept theirs clean. Thank you for reminding me that, when I am finally before my God, it will all be worth it. And He will, hopefully, be pleased with me.
Laurie says
WOW! What a beautiful post!
To Think Is To Create says
I lost a baby last month, so this is of course so poignant and perfect for me right now. I have been studying the church as the Bride, to really understand it. It’s exciting to think about how God longs for His bride, for us, and I absolutely adore this post. Thank you so much for sharing it here again!
-Arianne
Elizabeth says
The image of Christ pursuing us in our wedding gowns, because He is so in love with us, is so comforting.
I have also spent years walking across a graveyard, and miss my loved ones so much. I often dream of the day when I’m reunited with Jesus and my family, and just the thought of it brings tears to my eyes. Your perspective really spoke to me and gave me hope. Thank you.
Ginger says
Angie,
This is so beautiful. I am so glad I took the time to pause, read, and take it all in.
Ginger
Melissa says
Thank you, through my tears I thank you for reminding me who I am and who I belong to.
Andrea @ MommySnacks.net says
So beautiful, Angie!! {I remember reading it on your site too}
Last week was the anniversary of losing my dad. He’s been gone 5 years now. But, it wasn’t until the 3-year mark that I had my dress pants cleaned from the day of his funeral. It was raining that day and my pants were all muddy at the bottom. In a weird way, it was like a part of me was still there that day when I looked at them. Whenever I put those pants on, I remember. Whenever I wear this certain sweatshirt of his, I remember. I just do.
Jenn @ Beautiful Calling says
I cried as I read this.
Thank you for your willingness to open your heart…