I drown the pain with coffee and a computer.

I soothe myself with the warmth,

and I write.

My husband sleeps.

My guilt grows.

My ache continues.

Intimacy = fear = an empty bed.

Desperate.

I turn cold. I get angry. I run.

Can anyone relate?

Am I the only one who has to deal with the spirit scars of lust?

Am I the only one who struggles with marital intimacy being good…being pure?

I know the truth. I know that God designed intimacy and I know that is good, but I can't seem to connect that truth with my spirit.

Because

my spirit was in the same body that was used and used others.

Because

my spirit has wounds that still bleed.

How do you connect your spirit to your body? How do you make truth sink into your very being and let it become real?

How?

Friends, the mountain standing before me is so high, so rocky, and so threatening that I don't even know how to climb it. I don't know if I even can climb it.

All I know is that on the other side of that mountain is freedom.

Healing. Redemption. Forgiveness.

And I want it.

And I know that He is offering it.

I just don't know how to get it.

Read Part 2 here.

Photo Credit: Sad Woman

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