Trigger warning: This is a personal story that contains eating disorder content.

I can’t remember my life before my eating disorder — before the starving, obsessive weigh-ins, shameful self-talk, and over-exercising. But that’s because what happened in those fourteen years prior shaped my self-image entirely. My eating disorder didn’t appear overnight; it was a slow descent into darkness. Before it all started, there were years of hiding shameful secrets and self-harm — and, before that, years of abuse. 

Sometimes we create our stories, but sometimes they create us. They shape us and the enemy taunts us with lies to believe about ourselves. I didn’t understand this when I detested my reflection, when all I could see were flaws. Deep inside, I believed that if I could disappear, life would improve. The more I embraced this lie, the less I ate and the thinner I became. But nothing changed. The emptiness inside only grew while my self-esteem lessened. 

My body and quest for perfection became my idol. Calories, food, exercise — every aspect became an obsession. As a young adult, my condition worsened until I finally reached out for help. I feared gaining weight. I feared living without the control I thought I’d gained through my eating disorder. And I feared admitting any of this. Still, tired and weary, I reached out to a Christian counselor who helped me in the healing process of renewing my mind. 

The initial transformation began when I started replacing the lies I believed about myself with God’s truth. My counselor suggested creating an index card binder. On one side, I wrote the lie I believed and on the other side I wrote a scripture of what God says about me. I’d draw an “X” over each lie, physically marking it out on the card and, figuratively, in my mind. For years, I carried these cards everywhere — they were constant reminders of the truth amidst my false beliefs.  

Gradually, over days and months, I spent less time consumed with the lies and more time embracing God’s truth. Then, one day I caught my reflection and actually spoke something kind to myself. This was just the beginning. I spent years in God’s Word and prayer, fighting my way through my quest for perfection and control.

Years later, I returned back to counseling, exhausted from carrying a heart full of stress and worry. Though I had been working to overcome my eating disorder, I didn’t realize my unhealed past was the root cause of my pain and struggle. I finally named my emotional wounds — the ones I carried for decades — and my relationship with God healed and deepened. I finally allowed myself to be fully seen by Him — no filters, no performance. I named my wounds, and God met me there with His grace-filled love. 

I share my story to say — not all eating disorders are just about food. Eating disorders are not just about size or weight — the root runs much deeper.

Perhaps you eat your feelings, beat them up at the gym, purge them in the bathroom, or numb them with substances. Whatever your struggle, there is hope. There is a God who draws you in with His love. 

Before counseling, and before I was grounded in God’s Word, I let my wounds speak and I believed the lies. I don’t know your story or the traumas you’ve endured, but I know this: God created us with mind, body, and soul. True healing — seeing ourselves as God does — requires the brave work of confronting pain and filling our mind, body, and soul with the truth from His Word.

When battling my eating disorder, I believed the lie that failure means not living up to impossible standards. But truth from God’s word says, “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever” (Psalm 73:26). 

When battling my eating disorder, I believed the lie that the body should take the beating and become our obsessive focus. But truth from God’s word says, “Jesus says, ‘Take, eat; this is My body which is broken for you'” (1 Corinthians 11:24). Indeed, Jesus became broken for us; and He should become our primary focus. 

When battling my eating disorder, I believed the lie that I needed to constantly push myself — do more, try harder, be perfect. But truth from God’s word says, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9).

Each of these verses became God’s life-giving bread that sustained my soul, leading me towards healing and surrender. Over the past thirty-eight years that I’ve spent working with women and young girls, I’ve met so many who share stories like my own — stories of longing to be set free from eating disorders and struggles with their body. This is why I share my story; because I wish someone had shared theirs with me. 

Sweet friend, you don’t have to face this alone. Seek help from a Christian counselor, a medical professional, a trusted friend, or a spiritual mentor. May God bring you hope and help as you navigate this journey. And may He walk with you through every step of your healing, giving you the strength you need each day.

At (in)courage, we believe in making space for all stories and experiences. With heartache, we recognize the reality of eating disorders. With hope, we share this story — proclaiming the help and healing that can be found in community and Christ. We are here for you, in prayer and in the comments below, should you wish to respond to this guest article.

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