We’d been dating for several months when he dropped the bombshell.
In all fairness, he didn’t realize it was a bombshell. He just shared his political leanings, including how he and his family of origin typically voted in local, state, and national elections. It was a random conversation, nothing emotionally charged. Nothing to indicate a significant shift. Just information shared in passing between two people who were dating but still getting to know each other.
The problem? I was raised in a family that was rooted firmly and squarely in the opposing party.
I don’t remember how the conversation even started, but I do remember where we were and how I felt when it happened. The moment he identified his political affiliation, I felt like I had been slapped. We stood on opposite sides of an impossible war. There was no reconciling this difference. As much as we had in common, including our Christian faith, this was a massive and unbreachable divide. And just that fast, I considered ending our relationship. How could we possibly move forward?
I’m a bit embarrassed now to admit how shocked and appalled I felt at learning his political affiliation. I thought he was a good Christian man who loved Jesus and tried to follow Him in his day-to-day life. How could he side with a political party that seemed to be clearly on the opposing side? How could he identify with any party other than the one I voted for? My family history is thick with patriotism and men who served our country in the military during multiple international wars. I respected these relatives of mine, both living and deceased. A sense of national pride was core to my family’s identity. With one simple, offhand admission, my view of this person — as a man, a potential husband, and a believer — completely changed.
With the benefit of hindsight, I’m surprised how quickly I devalued and disregarded him because of our apparent political differences. To my young and idealistic self, this was a deal breaker, a relationship ender. There was only one seemingly right answer to this test question, and he’d answered incorrectly. Because I equated real faith with a specific political party, his political leanings made me question the legitimacy of his faith and thus the legitimacy of our relationship. And somewhere along the way, I’d come to believe you could only be in a deep and meaningful relationship with people you agreed with, especially about something this important.
When I told him as much, his face mirrored my own shock, but for a different reason. He couldn’t understand my disappointment or the arrogance and judgment that came packaged in my voting record. At first he thought I must be joking. Then his chuckle of laughter turned defensive. I don’t blame him. My rejection of him as a person had been quick and complete and was because of something he didn’t believe warranted such a divide.
By some minor miracle of grace, he forgave my arrogance and we continued the conversation. And it’s a good thing, too, because we’ve enjoyed a beautiful marriage together for more than two decades now. In those twenty years, we’ve walked through many elections and even more conversations. And I came to discover, not long after that initial conversation, that we had far more commonalities than differences when it came to our convictions. He was indeed a man of deep faith, a faith that in many ways was stronger than my own. I just hadn’t withheld my judgment long enough to stay engaged, to connect, and to listen.
It’s good to be principled, to hold deep convictions and live them out with consistency and passion. But when we love our principles and positions to the exclusion of the people standing right in front of us, we’ve lost sight of the gospel—our good news.
You see, Jesus entered into relationship with us when we were actively rebelling against Him. We stood on the opposite side of an impossible divide. There was no way to reach a compromise, no negotiating or converting. We were separated, completely and irrevocably. He had every right to exact judgment and walk away, to let us die in our isolation. He was 100 percent in the right, and we were 100 percent in the wrong.
But rather than walking away, Jesus walked toward, knowing we could do nothing to bridge the divide ourselves. Romans 5:8 (NIV) says, “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Jesus chose to reconcile us to God at His own cost, taking on Himself the judgment we deserved. Why? Because He loves us.
Instead of rejection, grace. Instead of punishment, love.
Staying engaged in conversation with someone you disagree with is difficult under any circumstances, but even more so when the topic of discussion is emotionally charged. This could include conversations around parenting, politics, health care and choices, end-of-life decisions, religion, finances, morality, education, legislation . . . you get the idea. We have more than enough scenarios in which we might clash. How- ever, avoiding, retaliating, or shutting down difficult conversations and the people you disagree with actually causes you more harm than you realize. It stunts your spiritual growth, inhibits your emotional maturity, limits your pool of potential relationships, and may keep you in a place of loneliness and isolation. Few people want to be friends with a person who is always right.
Navigating difficult conversations isn’t easy. If you feel overwhelmed by or resistant to the idea, I get it. I would rather avoid conflict and tension at all costs. But we have a Jesus who, rather than dodging disagreements, pressed into relationships. That’s the kind of person I want to be too.
If conflict makes you want to shut down, tune out, or walk away, consider these five practices that can help you love well even when you disagree.
1. Stay grounded in your gospel identity. When different convictions and positions become a dividing line in our relationships, it’s often a result of misplaced identity. For example, if my identity is rooted in my political party, I will struggle to connect authentically with anyone who doesn’t share my position. However, you and I are called to find our identity in the saving love and grace of Christ. He defines who we are—not our various positions and affiliations. When we remember that our foremost identity is a sinner saved by grace, we will find it is much easier to connect with other sinners saved by grace.
2. Stay curious and ask questions. There is a direct re- relationship between my emotional state and my ability to stay curious. The more charged I feel, the less I’m able to stay curious. I find that simply reminding myself to stay curious keeps my emotions in check. How did they come to that conviction? What part of their story am I not aware of? Why might they feel so passionate about their position or so threatened by mine? Staying curious is not easy, but it is possible. And sincere questions are the open door to that kind of engagement.
3. Listen. Listening isn’t simply allowing someone to talk while you formulate your rebuttal. Listening involves your ears, your eyes, and your heart. True listening requires you to put a pause on your position and defense and instead connect with the person. It requires you to resist judgment and instead listen to the words, heart, and intent of the person speaking. It means staying in a place where you want to be in relationship more than you want to be right.
4. Communicate empathy. This may be obvious, but people want to feel heard, including you. Once you’ve listened and asked questions, find at least one connecting point to which you can honestly say, “I can see how you would feel that way” or “I understand where you’re coming from.” Empathy is possible even when you disagree. And it will go a long way to bridge a divide, even if neither of you changes your position.
5. Restate the value of the relationship. At the end of every hard conversation—and perhaps multiple times throughout—it’s critical that you remind yourself and the other person that what matters most is the relationship. This will keep you focused on the ultimate outcome you hopefully both want—a respectful, mature, thriving relationship—in spite of the potential messiness of the conversation. And if you persevere in your pursuit of this goal, you won’t just save the relationship, you’ll likely make it even stronger.
When you find out that someone you care about has a staunchly different opinion or belief than you, it’s so much easier to write them off or build an emotional wall. But what seems easiest in the moment won’t serve us or our relationships well.
It’s time to choose a different way, one that is more humble, curious, and compassionate.
This excerpt from Come Sit with Me was written by Michele Cushatt.
With the U.S. in the throes of election season, we knew this was the perfect time to share Michele’s words from our (in)courage book, Come Sit with Me: How to Delight in Differences, Love through Disagreements, and Live with Discomfort.
Let us send you the introduction and two FREE chapters so you can start reading right away! Sign up here.
Michelle,
Thank you! During this charged time nationally we need to remember to listen to understand and love.
Sending you autumn joy,
Lisa Wilt
AMEN \0/ Such a good reminder right now! Thank you…
Thank you for sharing this! Hugs and prayers ❤️
Dear Michele……………..I was completely inspired by your story today. My story is similar, but in a different way. About 3 months ago I was speaking to a “friend” who lives in the South, but I had grown up with her from the time were were babies in a playpen together many years ago. Our mothers were best friends and we both lived here in the north East. Fast forward…….She married and ended up divorcing her husband and then married a wealthy man and moved to Georgia. We lost contact for awhile, but when I was housekeeping I found a letter from her that I had saved. I thought, oh, she probably moved somewhere else this letter is so old, but there was a phone number on it and I tried it and it worked. We were both so happy to have found each other again. Unfortunately, here husband had died 2 years before. They did not have children so she was living by herself. We talked frequently for 2 years, but then as you said in your story “the bombshell hit.”. We were not talking about politics, but she was very immersed in religion and changed denominations a lot. She also told me some very odd things that I wondered where she was going to church. She had stopped going to church for over a year after her husband passed and I thought that was strange as she always had some religious things that she told me which I was very puzzled. I will just give you 1 example . She told me that when Revelation came. she would be one of the only people that would survive, not me. I said,” But that may not happen for who knows how many years and we are already 77 years old. She had no answer. That is when I started to really get concerned about her religious comments. I decided to see my minister and talk to her about these things. Oh, one of the issues she had was she wanted the churches to turn to political and be divided as in Democrats and Republicans. I talked to my minister for over an hour in our church. The results were worse than I thought. She told me, not to talk to her anymore as some people when they move to places in the South end up becoming “White Nationalists” that she told me these people are very dangerous with some of their view. Now, to finally get to how this relates to your story. The next time she called, we were NOT talking about politics but somehow she garnered the thought of who I might be voting for. I did not answer her question except to say, everyone has a right to vote for who they want. She got very angry with me and said there is only 1 person who deserves to be president and you don’t seem to agree with me. I said it doesn’t matter. We both have our own opinions and I still did NOT tell her who I was leaning to. But she said you are not following what Jesus wants us to do and she hung up on me. I have not heard from her since and that is good as she had really changed her views of religion and I do not agree with those things that she kept telling me, like I was not a good Christian woman and I certainly am. I have been with my church for 70 years and now I am I hope a part of the (in)courage community that inspires me every day. Unlike the end of your story, I cannot continue this relationship with her. Thank you Michele for this story and I rarely get to share my story with anyone except my Minister. Please have a Blessed Day and one last thing. I really feel that you women are Angels sent to me by Jesus to help me stay grounded and get through more situations that I have been dealing with for 2 years. Here in PA, the fall has come, although Halloween is supposed to be 80 so we still can’t pack our summer things away. Take care………………………………………..Betsy Basile
I needed this, today! God knows I have been wrestling with this issue and your words have so encouraged me! Thank you and may you be blessed today and always!
This is important to hear this time of year in an election year. Thanks for sharing!
Michele,
It is important to have principles & positions. Know that you won’t always agree with everyone on everything. You must agree to disagree. I feel that my relationship with my hubby is far more important than how he votes or his stance on issues. What means more to me is His faith. The fact that he willingly prays daily for us.
Blessings 🙂