Who struggles with self-criticism? (Raises hand.) I’ve talked with thousands of women through my work as a writer, counselor, and life coach. One of the most common phrases I hear is, “I don’t know how to stop being so hard on myself.”
I think many of us were raised to believe self-criticism is necessary in order to be “good.” We have to keep ourselves in line. Make sure we do the right thing. Meet expectations. But I’m learning in ever deeper ways that Jesus came to rescue me from being “good” just as surely as He came to rescue me from being a sinner.
What do I mean? I think trying to be “good” is the modern-day version of living under the law. It’s about following rules instead of living freely in an intimate relationship with God. It’s about trying to achieve perfection instead of wholly trusting in grace. It’s about proving why I should be loved instead of resting in the belief that I already am.
I am not very likely to ever rebel (although there was that season in college…). But I am likely to show up every day of my life as someone who has to hustle to prove her worth, who hears a voice of condemnation in her mind, who feels like maybe she could be just a little bit better. I need Jesus to rescue me from all of this.
I also recently read an article that explained self-criticism activates our flight-or-fight response in the same way an external threat does. When we live with chronic self-criticism, we become a threat to ourselves. When we do this for years, research shows it can lead to emotional issues such as anxiety and depression as well as physical symptoms. Safety is a basic requirement for well-being, and self-criticism makes us feel unsafe with ourselves.
I cringe when I type those words because they feel so true in my life. Our culture talks so much these days about avoiding toxic relationships and making sure we have safe people in our lives. But this aspect is often overlooked — the first person we need to feel safe with is ourselves.
How do we do so? By loving ourselves in the same ways God has called us to love each other. God didn’t say, “Love everyone else, but it doesn’t matter how you treat yourself.” God is just as grieved when we treat ourselves poorly as He would be if we did the same to someone else.
I sat in a lovely coffee shop one morning, latte next to me, the chatter of a dozen conversations around me, and looked up every verse in the New Testament with the phrase “each other.” I compiled a list and then replaced “each other” with “Holley.”
Here are a few examples…
Love Holley. (John 13:34)
Stop condemning Holley. (Romans 14:13)
Be an encouragement to Holley. (Romans 15:32)
Now you try it…
Love (your name).
Stop condemning (your name).
Be an encouragement to (your name).
Does doing this for yourself feel harder than doing it for a friend? Yep, me too. I think loving ourselves is not something we can accomplish on our own, just as we can’t love others on our own either. I don’t think I have the capacity as a human to love other humans the way God does — and that includes loving myself.
My first tendency when I read the list I created with my name in it was to once again feel like I was failing at something and to believe I should feel guilty about not doing this better, too. Then I laughed because I could see my inner critic at work again.
So instead I paused and prayed, “God, please supernaturally empower me to love myself the way you love me.”
Isn’t this what obedience means? It is simply aligning ourselves with the heart of God.
Tim Keller said, “Shalom experienced is multidimensional, complete well-being — physical, psychological, social, and spiritual; it flows from all of one’s relationships being put right — with God, within oneself, and with others.”
The work of God in our lives is to bring us deeper into Shalom until that work is completed when we are Home with Him forever. Part of that work, of things being made right in our lives, includes healing our relationship with ourselves.
Sometimes the hardest person to love is ourselves.
Loving yourself is not prideful. Loving yourself is not selfish. Loving yourself is simply aligning with the heart of God toward you.
Being on the autism spectrum has many challenges. Loving myself isn’t one of them. I so enjoyed reading this today. It helps me understand non autistic people better. As well as continuing to be thankful for the many gifts God gave me through autism. Love and prayers to all who struggle to believe how much God wants them to love and accept themselves-the same way He does them.
I love that a gift of the way you’re wired is that you don’t struggle with this, Jo. The people in my life who are free of this struggle give me hope that I can be too!
We are our worst critic … the things we say to ourselves we would never say to another person …. Thank you for this beautiful article … even in my 60’s it’s hard to stop the negative word play in my head … your words brought true meaning to how God loves us for who we are!
Karen, I’m also in my 60’s and my name is Karen! Lol I appreciate your comment. I still struggle with criticizing myself and feeling less then. Praying for you and asking the Lord to help us give ourselves grace at this season of our lives.
I’m so glad this was helpful to you! I think learning to love ourselves is a lifelong pursuit.
Blessings Holly and all the wonderful contributions I read on (in)courage. All are blessings and help me in my daily life. May each of you be blessed and covered with HIS LOVE. Blessings- Diane
Yes Holly we women can find it hard to love ourselves. I was like that. Even though I knew I was saved and Jesus loved me. As John 3 Verse 16 says. For God so loved the world he gave his only son. How true that is. I one time was going through a patch in my life. That I needed my Salvation Army Officer to come out to see me. Over a few weeks. She told me things and scripture out of the Bible. All Help me alot. The she said Dawn remember one thing the promises of God in his word. Say them over yourself self every day. Know you are loved. Then she said believe them as you say them. I did that it has helped me along with other things she said to me. One thing I will never forget her saying Dawn remember you are a Daughter of the Kings of Kings. God is your Heavenly Father. She said Jesus is the king and loves you so much. That he is your Father. He wants you know that and believe it. She told me to read the Father love letter on line. I did that it is all about how God love me. I love it as the words from it so true about God love me. I listen to it on YouTube. It made me cry that my Father God loves me that much. I am precious to him. Like us all. Thank you Holly for today’s reading love it so much. Love Dawn Ferguson-Little Enniskillen Co Fermanagh N.Ireland xx
Holley this is such a help. I constantly second guess myself and am so critical. I find fault with my decisions. Part of it is being alone and 70 with no family nearby. I don’t always want to bother my friends even though I know they are more than happy to “process” things with me, listen to me and help me. After reading this, I think maybe part of loving myself and being kind to myself is really allowing God to guide me (maybe this means not rushing into things and listening) and allowing my friends to be with me as I try to navigate life.
Holly
It’s like you read who I am. I am my own worst critic. I do push myself for a better part of me. I don’t always feel I am enough.
I am in a season of slowing down, looking or should I say finding out who I am. Your wonderful words are an encouragement.
Blessings to you and all who are in this struggle.
I love inserting myself into scripture. It makes it a more personal experience, an intimate conversation with my Creator. Often I have focused on ‘seeing’ myself as God sees me. Gives even more meaning to the command to love others as I love myself. If I am loving myself as God loves me, then I am to love others as God loves them.
1 John 4:11 – If God has loved Shannon, she also ought to love others with the same love.
John 13:34 – A new commandment I give to you, that Shannon should love all others: just as I have loved Shannon, she also is to love all others.
Great examples in these Scriptures!
Excellent Holley!
Thank You
Oh, Holley, you don’t know how impactful this is for me! (But I guess maybe you do…) Loving and accepting myself has always been a struggle. Thank you for the Scripture list to clarify how we can love ourselves properly. Blessings to you!!
Dear Holley…..I feel that your words today after all the devotions I have read and your books as well is one of the very best I have seen. In my younger years and I am 77 years old as of last week, I always second guessed myself and that was due to not being one of the “popular” girls in the class. The boys teased me unmercifully and made me cry almost every day. I was a straight “A” student and captain of the cheerleaders, but that did not seem to matter to them. Fast forward quite a few years. The guy that a was seeing, date-raped me after I said NO 4 times and I fought as hard as I could, but I was no match for him so he got what he wanted and at 21 years old, I got pregnant which I was not ready for. I had just gotten out of college. The guy said, “Well, that is easy, you get an abortion and we break up and go our separate ways, no problem”. I said, Well you might think it is an easy solution, but I am not getting an abortion and as a supposedly devout Catholic, I cannot even believe you are saying this.” When I told my parents, my mother was so angry at me and didn’t speak to me for 2 weeks. She said, “Betsy you know better than that.” This is where I should have told them what really happened to me, but I was scared. This is where I moved into the season of second – guessing myself on everything. We were made to get married as back in the 60’s the woman was always blamed for this happening and thus the phrase “Shotgun Marriages” took place. Most women their wedding day is one of the happiest day of their life. For me it was just the opposite. We were married for 55 years and I tried to divorce him 4 times and each time he blocked me somehow as he did not want me to have any of the assets we had accumulated. Fast forward again…….6 years ago I noticed that his mind was failing and I started to research dementia and contacted a number of organizations. I forced him to go to 2 neurologists who both diagnosed him with the disease. He forgot what they said and to this day, he is still in denial, but what really touched me about your words was he was drinking heavily and I stayed with him for 3 and a half years begging him to take the medication and stop drinking as that is what the doctors said was his only hope to slow down the process. He would not do it and every night for all those years, he abused me terribly and then completely forgot what he did. Then 4/20/2023 came and that is where God stepped in. It was the usual abuse, but this time he really hurt me and and I had the phone in my hand and dialed 911 and he tried to yank the phone from me, but he did not realize the call went through and the 911 dispatcher was recording all that was going on and the police were there in 5 minutes. Finally, help! When they were talking to me, they all told me I had to get him out of the house or the next thing he will do is take one of your guns and kill you and not remember 10 minutes later so I did that and he has been in a facility now almost 2 years and I am in a different one. Since that happened I kept blaming myself for this mess and all that has followed for 2 years. Did I not stay long enough with him? Should I have done something else? So many questions and no answers.The end comes when my 1 son called me and said I was a liar over and over again and he did not consider me his mother anymore and he hung up. I was crushed and the only family we both have is each other. My son and his wife refuse to let me see or even talk to my 14 year old grandson (Birthday was yesterday). They would intercept any card or present I would send, rip them up and trash it before he got home from school. So the 3 cards I sent him, he won’t even get. Heart-breaking. I have divorced my husband as of 2 months ago and the assets must be distributed and my son is doing anything he can do to make sure I don’t get any of the money. Holley….I am sorry I went on and on, but you needed to know the background. I blame myself for everything. I pray and pray and pray and cry and cry and cry. When I was working, I was very sure of myself and was very good at my managereal job for 45 years. Now I am so confused, unhappy and still blaming myself for this whole mess. Thank you Holley for your words and I will certainly read it over and over. If you have any suggestions for me, please tell me……………………..Betsy
Betsy, you have been through so much. I wish I could hug you right now. You are not to blame. I’m praying you are relieved of the burden of false guilt and shame, that you know how deeply beloved you are!
“It’s about proving why I should be loved instead of resting in the belief that I already am.”
Your statement above brought tears to my eyes. That is me in a nutshell.
I know Jesus loves me which gives me peace. Not so much do I feel lovable around others.
Yesterday I listened to the More than Small Talk podcast. You mentioned looking up verses containing the word “one another”. I am going to repeat to myself the three you included today. It feels uncomfortable. My nature is to affirm others.
Thank you for your post!
Holley,
I couldn’t agree more so I shared your devotion. We hear that voice that tells us “We are not enough.” But God says we are his masterpiece!
Sending you autumn JOY,
Lisa
Thank you for sharing, Lisa!
Thank you! I’ve never thought about it like that. Thanks for steering me in the right direction.. include myself too.
Thank you Holley for this reminder. I am in a season of anxiety and depression. Not my first rodeo! I know God Loves me, sometimes it’s hard to receive as we can be our worst critics. I pray for all those ladies who have a hard time to believe God Loves them completely. Here’s to living and breathing in God’s Truth and ask for His Protection, Mercy & Grace.
I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety too. Praying for and with you as you fight those battles…
I want to do this exercise! Thank you for the idea!
Holley,
Self criticism yep that’s me. Make a mistake & I hear “stupid, dumb, don’t even try”. Also hard on myself about my past. So many wrong job choices. Simply love the list you made. But, I have problems with Build _______________ up. Be patient with _______________, making allowance for _____________’s faults. First off I was born with two punctured ear drums. I didn’t talk till I was about 3. School was hard as I had to take speech classes to learn to talk properly. Never have liked the sound of my voice. Learning to be kinder to myself-especially since God healed both ears. Patience is a virtue I don’t have much of. Trying hard to practice mindfulness & loving of myself. Knowing that everyone makes mistakes. Great post!
Blessings 🙂