When I scroll through my friends list on social media, there are a few people who are no longer with us in body. I just can’t bear the thought of “unfriending” them. For these friends and family members, I have grieved deeply, and those around me have understood my grief. I’ve taken days off of work, spent money on travel, and changed plans in order to grieve those people and relationships.
But this year, I realized that both my husband and I have been experiencing a different kind of grief. In the past few years, we’ve experienced several smaller “deaths” in our lives — losses that others don’t always recognize or understand.
Over five years ago, we moved to a new community. Both of our jobs changed dramatically, we were farther away from our kids, and, like everyone who has the privilege of growing older, we experienced physical changes.
These changes brought several small but significant “deaths” to us:
1. The death of our community after moving four hours away.
2. The death of identity because of changes in my job.
3. The death of how life “used to be” because of physical changes.
Let me tell you, the recovery from these small but significant “deaths” can be harder the older we get.
The systems to make friends and community are not there for those in our fifties the way they were in our twenties.
How the world views your “usefulness” changes the older you get.
And the body? The body I took for granted, the body that would bounce back after an injury or an illness? Well, she’s gonna need a minute …
While some people seem to take these changes in stride, it starts to wear on others of us when these small deaths keep coming. My identity should not be wrapped up in any one thing. Not in my profession, how I look, how I feel, or who I hang out with. But what else is identity than these hundreds (thousands?) of little things that make us who we are?
Change is hard. I’ve known that since I was a child.
What I didn’t know? Sometimes, change has to be grieved. Grief feels like a strong word, but I believe it is an accurate one.
I’ve noticed when my usually wonderful, get-along husband starts to get cranky, it’s not because he’s suddenly had a personality change; it’s because he is processing a grief he may not even understand.
And when I’m not behaving as my absolutely delightful self? I can now sit back and ask, “What is the loss that I’m experiencing but not acknowledging?” Because in that, I will find an underlying pain that I need to start working to heal.
When we moved to our new community, we needed to find a new church. We loved our church in the Bay Area and had built real friendships there, so we assumed that we would do the same in our new city in California.
But with a two-year pause because of Covid and living far from our new church (it takes over an hour to get there), it has been so much harder to make those connections.
Once we acknowledged that we were sad about the community we lost, we finally had a chance to grieve what we left behind. Finally, we’re starting to heal.
As a couple, we have stopped waiting for others to reach out just because they were at church first. We’re making the calls, inviting people to lunch, and going to events. Even when it feels awkward.
Sometimes I struggle because I know I’m experiencing a loss, but I don’t want to let myself feel the loss. It’s so much easier to pretend that I am not suffering, that if I can just wait out the grief, it will all go away, and I can get back to “life as normal.” But if there is one thing I’ve learned about grief, whether it’s the loss of a friend or the loss of an identity, it’s that grief is a one-way street; there is no going back the same way we came. That place of “before” no longer exists.
Psalm 30:5 (NIV) tells us, “Weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.” This verse reminds us that while grief is real and valid, it’s not the end of the story.
So how do we move from acknowledging our grief to finding joy again?
1. Recognize and name your losses. Identify the specific “deaths” you’re experiencing.
2. Allow yourself to feel. Give yourself permission to grieve these changes. Cry. Journal. See a counselor. All of these steps can give you the permission you might need to feel the grief.
3. Embrace new opportunities. See how you can grow and adapt in your changed circumstances. I bet there are others who have gone through something similar. You can be there for each other.
As we navigate life’s transitions and the grief that comes with them, remember that it’s okay to mourn what we’ve lost. By acknowledging our small but significant “deaths” and working through our grief, we open ourselves up to new paths to walk going forward.
Thank you for expressing an absolute truth. Thank you for sharing your experience with us and providing some insight how to get through some tough times. God bless you.
Jennifer, and God bless you!
This is a great reminder. Thank you for sharing with us.
Thanks for letting me know it meant something to you today Jill.
Amen!
Kathi
Absolutely beautifully shared information about a different kind of grieve
we can experience & how we can heal when we acknowledge this grieve,
feel the feelings & seek help & new opportunities in our new set of circumstances to feel God’s Joy & Presence in Our Lives Once Again.
Thank you Mary. It feels good to acknowledge what we’ve all gone through (and are going through.)
this post is excellently written. As someone who has experienced the big and small places of grieving, I was intrigued by how you acknowledged that even though others may not understand….because each one of us is wired differently. loss is real. Loss of job, loss of identity….transition of adult child moving out to get married, loss of a daughter who disowns parents….a sister who walks away from sisterhood etc etc etc…they are all in the basket titled GRIEVING OVER. Thank you for giving life’s intense trials a ‘name’ and permission to own the grief and walk through it as a VERY REAL EMOTION. Sometimes it seems grief cannot be given a size proportion…we are all so different in how we see.
It really is true. And we can’t always expect others to understand why we are grieving the way we do.
This is why we have to give grace – becuase we don’t always understand.
Thank you for sharing. I always enjoy reading your words. It is a struggle and always good to hear how others worked or are working through it.
Thank you for those kind words Nadine. We really all do need each other.
Thank you Kathi! So many losses apply to me, but it’s the first time I thought of it in terms of grief.
Dear Madeline –
I love when we learn a new tool. I pray that this new perspective helps to give yourself grace.
Wow Kathi, you have just described my own life and season. Thank you for sharing your heart. Pat.
I LOVED THIS! I have never thought to use the word grief in the context of all the small changes that seem hard, and those that don’t understand the way I feel sad sometimes. It is grief! And I can so relate to physical changes! Thank You so much! It really resonated with me! But God knows our every tear and heart break and with His merciful love, may we find healing and hope for all the big and little grief we all go through! Blessings to all! Thank you, Kathi!
When my husband & I lost one of our fur babies during the work day he asked to come home early. His boss granted the time off but also made the comment that he didn’t understand, “it’s only a dog”. At points I cried harder at his lack of understanding our sense of grief than at the loss of our precious German Shepherd who had lived up to her name, Grace. Loss is loss whether we “get it” or not We must give each other the grace & support daily. We might not know what is felt but we can always point to God’s truth and strength for each new day. The “little” losses may compound over time so if someone crosses your mind you ought to call, write, take the casserole, even if you don’t know why, CALL, WRITE, TAKE THE CASSEROLE! Let’s be the hands & feet of Christ. Blessings! (((0)))
Thank you for this, it’s a keeper. My husband in particular has faced a few new health challenges in the past year and I often feel he’s had a personality change. But, I know he’s struggling with adapting and the realization that he’s aging. And what affects those close to us affects us as well. Lots of prayers are needed to move forward.
Oh, Kathy- you can’t imagine how this resonated with me. I have reason in the last year for the literal grieving for the loss of two (2!) close friends. To other people that’s a normal thing to grieve for a time, but when you combine it with all of the other daily adjustments to being mid- 60’s, some days are just tough. And some days I just don’t do a good job of not letting my underneath sadness leak out. More prayer than usual on those days… it sure is a process. Thank you for so eloquently writing what we experience, and the validation that comes with it. Blessings to you!
Be gentle with yourself dear Kathy…bless Carmel….. living in Ireland. X
Be gentle with yourself dearest Kathy
Blessings
Carmel Hannah. Living in Ireland
Grieving is not nice for anyone to go through. Kathi what you wrote to do with Grieving is just lovely the way you put it. It makes you see it in a different light and that it is ok to grieve in your own way. As we all grieve differently. Even should it be over a Family member Friend or pet that we had. It is the unwelcome guest that comes to every door. But if we are saved we not lost all. Even though we will not have our Family member our Friend our loved pet this side of earth. We have not lost all. As we will see them all in Glory with Jesus. We have that to look forward to one day if saved. Yes we will miss them all. But we have good memories of them and times spent together. To hold close to our hearts. Even that of our pet no longer with us. If they were very ill all of them and our pet. Next time we see them they will have a brand new body. When we go be with Jesus. When our time up on earth. So we can know we not lost all. Especially if the person was saved. Yes the grieving we go through not nice. But we can look forward to all I said in this message. Thank you again for what you wrote Kathi to do with Grieving. Love Dawn Ferguson-Little Enniskillen Co.Fermanagh N.Ireland xx
Dear Kathi…..I thank God for you today and the story you had. I thought nobody ever felt the way I do. At 77 years old, I have been going through “deaths” since I have been 45. I thought that grieving over these “small” but big things to me God would not like. I like you am usually a delightful, happy person who had a job for 45 years that I absolutely loved. Right now I am grieving a very large change in my life from all perspectives. My husband has dementia (the violent type) for 6 years now. I stayed with him for almost 4 years, trying to get him out of the denial he was in, but to no avail. Every night for those 4 years, he abused me due to “Dementia Rages”. He drank way too much an then it started until 4/20/2023 when he really hurt me almost killed me. I finally got the 911 call through and the police were there in 5 minutes. They told me I needed to have him evicted which was very difficult but due to my safety all my support groups said, the next thing he would do is kill me and 10 minutes later not remember that he did it. I grieved as I was in our house for 40 years and 3 months later it needed to be sold as I did not have the money to keep it going. So, big change in community, far away from my church and the worst part is my 1 son called me and said, you are a liar and I no longer consider you my mother and you can never, ever talk or see my 1 grandson, again. It is close to 2 years that I have not seen or talked to anyone. My son knows now that his father is very sick, but he has never come back to me. The facility I live in is awful and people here are all sick and think there is nothing wrong with me as I attempt to hide my grief. You can’t even get a counselor here in Boyertown as there are so many people who need help. I have been trying for years. No one is taking new patients. My friends are all around my age and they don’t call anymore as they don’t know what to say to me. I am alone. No family that recognizes me. There is so much more to that story, but I will not bore you with it. Just to say I had 15 operations since I was 45 and 3 of them were botched by the surgeon, so I only have 1 kidney now, one of my toes had to be amputated ( now I can’t be active like I had been for many years (another”death” ) and the last one the Doctor almost killed me…he gave me an incorrect medication and I coded. Ended up in ICU for 2 weeks in a drug induced coma, but the doctor told my husband I would not survive and this is the part at last that you may be interested in. While I was in the coma, I saw Jesus and my Holy Spirit was whispering to me. They both said We will give you strength and you will fight, Betsy because you have so much more to give to people in this life. It is not your time. I did survive, but because it took me so long to recover, I used up all my sick days and the rules were, you were terminated no matter how good an employee you were for 45 years. “Another death” that still hurts me to this day. Sorry that I went on for so long, Kathi, but I felt like you needed to know some background. I love my faith and pray very often during the day. Thank you, Kathi for your story. Your incourage community have helped me so much since my Holy Spirit nudged me to try these devotionals. They truly have been a life saver and I have many of your books. I am sorry that you have had to go through your grieving and I will include you in my prayers. Thank you again, and may you have a Blessed Day and I know at some point in God’s timeline, we will be healed……………Love, Betsy Basile
I never thought of what I have been going through with cancer as grieving before. It sure makes sense to me. So many things have changed and I have been fighting them all the way. Afraid to let go and accept what is now. Thank you for bringing this insight to light.
Thank you for writing this!
For the last two years I’ve grieved several little deaths. There’s nothing worse than a world telling you to “get over it” and “move on” just because it has and thinks you should too.
As someone who’s run from the pain of big grief I learned that grief will find you. You can’t outrun it. And it comes for everyone eventually.
I’m working hard to be a friend to others walking through grief. The kind of friend I wish I’d had two years ago.
I was very blessed to learn this at an early age. At 26 I initiated a divorce and kept getting confirmation that it was the right thing to do and proceeded to stay so busy that two years later I realized that a book I had checked out of the church library was right on when it said this was the death of a relationship. I am now in my 70s and lost my soulmate 12 1/2 years ago which obviously I had to tend to the grief though I know it will still linger some until I go to my Real Home. Thanks for the reminder though!
This was a very good word! Thank you! Sometimes we don’t give ourselves permission to grieve small losses; or even big losses. We just shove the hurts down inside and push on through life. If we don’t, though, eventually we’ll spring “grief leaks” cuz everything we’ve shoved deep down inside will come out. God is waiting there to take the hurts and heal our hearts.
Kathi,
You’re so right! I think others can benefit from your devotional so I shared it times two on Twitter and Pinterest.
Sending you summer joy,
Lisa Wilt
Thank you for this devotion. We all need to know we grieve differently. God understands. I am slowly learning that over many years I have been grieving and didn’t know it. It affects every part of your life. I am thankful for a Loving God, mentors and Grace, alot of Grace.
Just after we took our “fifty-moon,” our daughter gave birth in a haze of illicit drugs. Her sweet boy, so tiny, came home with us—the death of the life we imagined in our fifties. A few weeks later, I lost my daddy. Then came Covid, and then we lost my husband’s mother—the “true” mom to me—suddenly, while I lost my job nearly simultaneously. Oh! And menopause…. How to grieve these losses, one atop the other? Daily. In deep breaths and crying in bathtubs and acknowledging the empty spaces. Giving grace, offering gratitude. Remembering love. It never stops, but it does ease.
My, you’ve had a lot on your plate. Praying that God gives you strength, and brings you peace.
This is so very true! And often it’s easy to overlook or dismiss the grief that comes with these other kinds of “deaths.” Thank you for talking about it.
This article was lovely! I’ve never thought of these life changes as losses. However reading your article I now see that these ‘changes’ are indeed losses!! Losses to be grieved and then go on with life as it is. Enjoy today- forget the past.
Oh Kathi, thank you so much for this! I can tell I needed this because I started crying as I read it. Your posts are always so spot on and helpful. Blessings to you!
“Thanks” Kathi for sharing this very important useful devotional with us. We all have different ways in handling changes in our lives at various ages. How easy it is to look at others and think, why is she so upset over that? It’s not a big deal, I’ve handled much worse”. When instead we should be encouraging one another and lift them up in our prayers. Let’s spend our time in prayer for that person instead of judging them…Let your Light SHINE!
This is a great reminder that all sorts of life changes – loss of loved ones, loss of community, aging, children heading to college – can bring grief! (I love the definition in The Grief Recovery Handbook that “grief is the conflicting feelings caused by the end of, or change in, a familiar pattern of behavior.”)
This really hit the nail on the head for me. I feel like I’ve been mourning so many things in my life. We also moved away over 2 years ago, but to a community I grew up in, and later had my kids in. Coming back, I thought/hoped some of my acquaintances would be ready to pick back up and things would feel familiar, but everything changed. I believe in part to covid, and was Even told that by a friend; that they just weren’t used to reaching out like they had before. My kids are further away, and his kids/grandkids never visit. I had started going to a church but then my hubby fell very ill last year, then when he was recovering, I got shingles. My mom just passed away in May, and I feel like I’m writing a soap opera. Ha So, thank you for addressing the other losses we may feel, as I sometimes feel alone in my thoughts. I just need to pull myself out of this slump. I need to focus on what I do have to be thankful for. 🙂
Kathi,
Dealing with aches & pains that come with age. Also mourning the loss of pain free bounce back Beth. You made me realize that I’m grieving the loss of what once was. Wanting to go back & fix things. Make them normal again. Praying for all who are dealing with changes or loss.
Blessings 🙂