There was a time when I wore my ability to keep on working even when others couldn’t or wouldn’t as a badge of pride.

This was especially true as a busy mom. I had a long list of places I wanted to give my time and attention, because I believed my help — my busyness — was the only valuable thing I had to give.

My favorite compliment during that time was, “I don’t know how she does it.”

How did I do it? By being resentful, mad, and exhausted.

The tendency to let others take advantage of my willingness to help even seeped into my marriage. Not only was I expected to manage the lion’s share of the kid duties, but also all the cleaning, meal prep, shopping, laundry, and any extras that popped up. My role, or so it seemed to my husband and I, was supposed to be my joy.

Oh, my husband had tasks as well. But while the length of our lists may have been equal, the impact of those duties was a complete mismatch.

My list looked like this:

• Meals
• Laundry
• Dishes
• Managing kid’s schedules

While my husband’s list contained these tasks:

• Mowing the lawn
• Getting the car’s oil changed
• Cleaning the gutters
• Filling the cars with gas

While we both had lists, the lists were not equal because my tasks carried a heavier mental load and things that had to be done regularly. (If I only cooked dinner or washed laundry as often as my husband changed the oil and cleared the gutters, that would be a problem.) 

“Mental load” has become a popular phrase over the past several years, and it is an apt descriptor of what it takes to keep a home running.

For example, mental load takes into account not just the actual activity (getting your child to a birthday party), but all of the other tasks that precede the event:

1. RSVPing
2. Shopping for a gift
3. Pulling together a cute outfit for my child to wear
4. Making sure the child is clean
5. Checking to make sure that cute outfit still fits
6. Wrapping the gift
7. Having my child sign the birthday card

This example might seem minor, but it illustrates all the unseen, unnoticed, and unappreciated to-dos, so our household doesn’t run off the rails.

As someone who speaks and writes on decluttering, I teach women how to get more done and help each other out, and those are both great. However, I needed to start by admitting that my expectations did not line up with reality or a biblical view of marriage.

As a result, I found no joy in my role as wife and mother. Only exhaustion and resentment.

Why was I the only one who saw the invisible work left undone? Why was so much left up to me?

Years later, when I got remarried and went from two kids to four, I knew this household could not run like my last one; if it did,  bitterness, resentment, and anger would just pop up again.

I had been taught that God created Eve as a “helper” for Adam (Genesis 2:18). But what I had not been taught was that the word “helper” in Hebrew (ezer) does not imply subordination but rather a partnership. In fact, ezer is the same noun used in Psalm 33:20 to describe God as “our help and our shield.”

When you start to see yourself as not just someone who makes life work for others, but as a partner to create the kind of life you both want? Everything changes.

No one is over the other; rather, we treat each other as cherished children of God.

Here are three ways Roger and I follow God’s leading for a partnership:

1. We each do the tasks we are naturally better at but help each other out. I am more of a list maker, organizer kind of person, but Roger is more of a long-term planner. While I still manage most of the cooking, cleaning, and laundry, Roger makes sure I’m never alone in those tasks. He unloads the dishes every night, carries the laundry up and down the stairs, and lugs all the groceries from the car. While Roger handles most of the finances, I deal with our medical claims and reimbursements. Neither of us feels alone because the other one is always right there alongside. We are each other’s helpers.
2. We don’t keep score. A couple of times a year, Roger is crazy busy at work and at church where he serves on the tech team. During those weeks, everything at the house is completely up to me. When I’m on a book deadline, Roger keeps the laundry going, cooks meals, and makes sure we have clean dishes. At least three times a day, I ask Roger if he needs anything, and he probably asks me the same question five times a day.
3. We agree on what needs to be done and work together until it’s finished. Sure, there are some tasks each of us prioritizes. But what’s important to him is important to me because he is important to me and vice versa. So while he may not “get” my burning desire to organize the pantry, he works with me because he knows it’s important to me.

Here’s the thing: I’m still a busy woman. But in my busyness, I no longer feel alone or taken advantage of. Now, instead of making sure everyone’s life around me works, I have a partner who works with me so we can both be the best God has called us to be.

Want to learn more about Roger and Kathi’s partnership at the Red House? Click here to check out Kathi’s book, The Accidental Homesteader.

Listen to today’s article below or wherever you stream podcasts. 

Leave a Comment