I speed-walked down the hallway at church, late for a steering committee meeting for our church moms group.
And that’s when the gal caught me in her crosshairs and asked me for the sixth or seventh time,
“Hey Kristen, did you decide if you’d like to join the Bible study I’m hosting next month?”
I wanted to be annoyed at her persistence, but in all fairness, she’d asked for the sixth or seventh time because I’d told her five or six times I’d think about it. I pondered her phrasing… like to join the Bible study? Well, yes, I’d definitely like to. The problem was that my schedule already bulged at the seams. Like a bookshelf crammed with books, I knew I didn’t have room to shoehorn one more thing onto it.
At the same time, I knew this gal wanted more folks to join her study. Another thought snaked through my mind: Kristen, you should be doing Bible study, so you should fit it into your schedule.
Finally, my inner critic won out. I answered with as much enthusiasm as I could muster, “Oh yeah… sure! Count me in!”
After she relayed the details, I told her I looked forward to seeing her there. Then, I headed toward my meeting, taking note of my slower gait and slumped shoulders.
That was a year my husband traveled so much that he was gone more than home. With three young children and several volunteer responsibilities, I knew I’d made the wrong decision about the Bible study.
My slumped shoulders and continual hesitation that followed my yes to joining were the outward signs of what the Holy Spirit spoke to me on the inside: Kristen, ignore that wretched inner critic and listen to Me. My direction lightens loads, hence why You know this should be a no.
Yet, while my heart said no, my mouth said yes.
I’ve always loved Matthew 5:37 that says, “But let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’” In context, this verse is one where Jesus instructs us to not swear falsely or to say we’re going to do something and then not do it. My three adult kids would tell you that in their growing-up years, they heard this verse a thousand times. When a brother, for example, promises early in the day to play with his sister and then tries to get out of it later in the day, he’s behaving as if his yes is really a no.
I certainly want to follow through on what I say I’m going to do for others. But I also realized that regarding this Bible study, I was behaving like my no was a yes. I appreciate it when other people interact honestly with me regarding what they are and aren’t able to do, so why wouldn’t I do the same with myself, for myself?
I knew exactly why. In this case, a yes eased my uncomfortable feelings about not wanting to disappoint the host.
Not long ago, my pastor’s wife, Karen, said, “Jesus disappointed people.” Her words tasted like crisp, cool relief as the reality of that statement settled in my heart. You see, if I rack ‘n stack all the reasons why I struggle to say no, the fact that I hate disappointing people would be at the tippy top of the list. I didn’t want to disappoint the kind woman leading that Bible study then, and I’ve hated disappointing (or the idea of disappointing) a hundred women since. And yet, the reality is that if Jesus disappointed people, which He certainly did, then lowly Kristen will disappoint people, too.
I needed to be comfortable with the idea that disappointing people is not only unavoidable, it’s often the right yes. It’s not a sign that the one doing the disappointing is wrong. If I’m doing what the Holy Spirit genuinely calls me to do, then it’s important to walk that decision through, come what may.
A yes to one thing always means a no to something else. In this case, my yes to the study would cause me extra stress, which in turn would cause my family to pay the price for my extra stress. Since I had committed to participating in rather than leading the study, I felt like I had permission to change my mind. That’s not always possible, but here it was.
A couple of days later, I found the woman hosting the study and told her, “I’m so sorry, but I won’t be able to participate in your group Bible study after all. I would love to, but after considering my schedule more closely, I just don’t have the bandwidth for it right now. I sure apologize that I didn’t come to this realization sooner.”
She was disappointed, but she understood and said it was no problem. I exhaled, noticing how my shoulders relaxed.
In the words of my friend, Kim, a no hurts a little when it’s given, but the wrong yes hurts a lot more later. So, we say no to good things in one season to say yes to best things.
Whether a yes or a no, I’m learning there is strength and peace in letting my heart and mouth say the same thing for the benefit of following God’s will…
…and not disappointing myself.
Thank you for this!! Such a good reminder when I am tempted to say yes only to please.
Jenny! What a delight to meet you here! And thank you for the kind words. xoxo
I am struggling being in the middle of too many yes commitments. Yet, again. Many thanks for the reminder that it is ok to say no. Now if I only will remember this. 🙂
You can do it, Madeline!! (If I can, anyone can!) Grateful for you. xo
Thanks for your transparency. I struggle with saying no, having been on the other side of others saying no to me when I really needed their support and not getting it.
It’s important to be truthful and kudos to you for being strong. You did the right thing.
Thank you, Wanda. Sending you lots of love.
I really found this story extremely helpful and absolutely true to I am sure most of us. I have a friend that totally cannot say “No” and really has herself in a tight situation. She is in her 70’s, has a husband that has physical medical problems and has also had to kind of abandon her friends, as she never has time. I used to do this, but I finally knew just as you said, I was saying yes with my words, but really “No” in my heart. I have worked 45 years as a C/S Manager for a large insurance company, and people got used to me always saying yes. I finally had to do what you did and go back and say what you said. I felt bad about that, but my home life and health was being affected by never taking time for myself.
Thank you Kristen for your sage advice. I prayed to Jesus that He could forgive me for doing this. I hope that He did, I am 76 years old and age itself slows you down from when you were 35 years old, my favorite age. (in)courage things are perfect and I love that the Lord had me find you…………….Betsy Basile
I’m so glad we have you in this community, Betsy! And thank you for sharing here!
Thank you, Kristen. This helps!
I’m so glad, Irene!
Thank you, Kristen! I needed to hear this today!
You’re welcome, Jen. And I’m always preaching this message to myself as well!
Thank you Kristen. This was a good for me today. I’ve been letting others decide my schedule lately, and when I’m “not in the mood, don’t have the time, or simply just don’t want to” I take it out on everyone instead of remembering that….
“I appreciate it when other people interact honestly with me regarding what they are and aren’t able to do, so why wouldn’t I do the same with myself, for myself?” Amen \0/
I certainly get this, Janet! Sometimes, our loved ones pay the price for the wrong yes. Here’s to you and I remembering to please the Lord with our “yes’s” over others! xo
I recently had to look up the definition of “to disappoint” for myself. The dictionary defines it as “to fail to fulfill the hopes or expectations of (someone)”. I have been struggling a lot lately with what others expect of me and even what God expects of me. Growing up my Dad used to tell me, “I may be disappointed in something you do, but I will never not love you.” Out of his own brokenness he tried to tell me how much he loves me, regardless of what I do or didn’t do. But, in reality that put a lot of pressure on me when I may not have known what the expectations and hopes were … I can find myself in ruts where I think God says the same thing to me. I was lovingly reminded by my husband that God does not put expectations on me because he already knows what I am going to choose, and, therefore, I can never disappoint him.
I certainly get all of this, CJ! The fear of disappointing others is a deep and layered thing for me, too. May we be able to listen to the Holy Spirit’s guidance and direction so our yes’s are in line with pleasing God over people.
So grateful for you, CJ!
this was so good! i sometimes struggle with disappointing people, but with therapy and gentle reminders (that can sometimes be hard to hear), i recognize more when i say yes just because or don’t speak up at all. no does hurt a little at the time, but the wrong yes hurts a lot more later. this was the perfect reinforcement and a great reminder that it’s okay to choose me
Golly, I’ve said yes because it’s so hard to say no more times than I could count.
Thank you for giving me “permission” to change my mind!
You’re welcome, Lisa!
lisa, it makes me sad to admit, but sometimes i do feel like i need to give myself permission to change my mind or say no. (working on not needing permission is hard work.) thanks for letting me know i’m not alone in this
I’m so alert at reading this article. I have some difficulty saying “no” almost all the time. I can see the problem with that but I made it a style of my demeanor. I don’t like to see people need help (if I can help) and then I say no. I don’t want to be rude or unkind.
I’m learning to just apologize and say no without guilt or sadness. It might take a while to know how to listen better to the Holy Spirit.
God Bless all the Mothers who have dealt with this challenge.
Brenda
Yes, it might take a while, but Lord willing, it gets easier with practice.
From one who struggles to say no to another, thank you for sharing here, Brenda! Grateful for you!
Guilty as charge, my hubby and I are both “YES” people. We need to learn to say “No” to good things and save our “Yeses” for the best, we are not superman/superwomen even though we would like to be and I find it the hardest to say no when it comes to family members. I try to learn to live one day at a time and seek His guidance and wisdom for today. Father God, Give me the courage to say “no” when needed and “yes” to the things that have eternal value. May I be a blessings to others. Amen
Such a good reminder! Thank you!
Kristen,
My retired pastor’s wife had a hard time saying no, She would over commit herself all the time. Then during Bible study she would lament to us about it. We told her many times “it is alright to say no”. One time a while back she did it & told someone she couldn’t do it right now. I, on the other hand, have no problem saying no. There is only so much stress I can handle. After working 40+ hrs. in days I get worn out. God would rather have a happy unstressed woman with lots to give than a worn out woman with nothing left to give.
Blessings 🙂