Last month, I found out that my friend, Jeanette, was going to be in town staying with our other friend, Susy. As much as I wanted to see Jeanette, I had decided to shut down any plans because my schedule was so crazy with work and travel, and I couldn’t take the time to either go to Susy’s side of town or cook for everyone at my house. (In my brain, these were the only two options.)
I hated that my busyness was going to keep me from spending time with one of my favorite people, but that’s what adults have to do sometimes, isn’t it?
When I hadn’t gotten back to Susy right away, I received a follow-up message from her:
“I know you’re getting ready to go out of town. What if we came to your house and brought dinner?”
My first reaction was no. It felt like the least hospitable suggestion I’d ever heard. I felt guilty for even considering it. But I knew that I wanted to see my friends, and I needed the help.
So I put my pride aside and responded, “That sounds lovely.” A few days later, Susy and Jeannette not only brought over homemade stew and Irish soda bread, but also an assortment of crafts that we worked on while chatting. We had a delightful evening. I got to hang out with my friends and enjoy an amazing Irish dinner and some seasonal crafts.
All because I said yes to an offer of help.
As I was preparing for my own holiday events earlier this season, I shared on social media that I have something called “The Help List,” prepared for people who come to my house for a big celebration. People who want to help can choose any task on the list, from loading the dishwasher to preparing the cheese board. I shared that I asked all of our adult children to plan, prep, and clean up one meal so that I wasn’t stuck in the kitchen all day, every day, and could hang out with our family. We only get to spend time together maybe six times a year so I wanted to make the most of it.
It wasn’t your typical contentious post that goes viral. Nothing earth-shattering. Just, you know, how to ask for help.
That post? Has almost two thousand comments. I normally get excited about twenty comments on one of my day-to-day posts.
To say it hit a nerve may be an understatement.
But why? Why is the idea of asking for help so, so hard, or even controversial? Some people were shocked that I wasn’t going to serve my family to give my adult kids a break, and some said that I was selfish for even asking for help.
We have been fed some very specific lies about the ideas of help from movies, social media, and in some cases, dysfunctional family members. Maybe you’ve heard some of these lies too:
1. It’s better to not need help. As a woman, we’ve been told by the media that one of the best things that can be said about us is, “I don’t know how she does it.” (In fact, there is even a movie with that title.) In other words, she does everything for her family, her friends, and her community without needing any help whatsoever.
2. What if I ask and nobody answers? What if I ask for help and no one wants to help me? What does that say about me as a mother, a wife, a daughter, and a friend?
3. Help triggers inferiority or arrogance. I have refused to ask for help on both sides of this scale. Inferiority says that I should be able to do this all on my own. If I can’t, it’s because there is something wrong with me. Arrogance says that I don’t want anyone else’s help because they just won’t do it like I would do it.
But here is the thing: we are designed to be both the helper and the helped. Galatians 6:2 says, “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” (NIV). Not only are we to help other people, but we are to be on the receiving end of that help.
Needing help is a part of life and being asked for it is part of healthy relationships, but sometimes it can still be challenging. So what do we do?
Consider it a deposit. When I ask for help, what I’m trying to tell the other person is that I will be there when they need it. I want to ask for help so that others know that I am a safe person to ask when they need help too.
I should have known that Susy would have exactly zero qualms about bringing dinner. We’ve done that for each other dozens of times. Making mutual deposits into our friendship for years has not only deepened our connection but also ensured that someone we know will be there when things are hard.
Offer small and accept small ways of helping. Start with low-risk helps. “I’m heading to your house now and am stopping by the store. Can I pick up anything for you?” When was the last time you threw a party and had enough ice? The “I’m already stopping at the store” part makes it easy for people to ask for help without feeling like they are inconveniencing you.
You know you’re on your way to building friendships and community when are you not only regularly offering help, but also asking for it as well.
Want to learn more about a helping community in the mountains? Click here to check out Kathi’s book, The Accidental Homesteader.
Amen! It’s a glimpse of being the body of Christ when we give help & receive help! Double bonus when we receive help the giver of the help is simultaneously blessed as we are! Only with God! Blessings (((0)))
Amen Ruth!
I learned from a wise woman that by asking for help you actually are giving a gift to that person. You trust them, value them, make them feel useful, etc. It took a while to embrace this, but it was a lesson I appreciate having learned.
What a beautiful way to look at it!
So thank you Kathi for this wonderful piece of truth. Plus for sharing your heart. As we women are some of us yes glad to let others help us when we need it. Then there are times we don’t want anyone to help us as women. We at those times could essentially do with the help. We feel in times as women when like that. We don’t want to put anyone out by asking them to help us. We feel they have enough to do without having to help us. No matter what it is doing. It our problem not anyone else problem so why should we bother them to help us with it. We as women can be stubborn that way. Say no thanks good of you to offer to want to help me. It’s my problem nothing to do with you. I be ok I deal with it myself. I thank you for offering to help me. To you they are good to offer but they have enough to do without helping you. But really in the back of your mind you could do with them helping you. When they were so good to ask can they help you. When they see you need help. I been there and said all that in the past that I wrote in this message to people who have been lead to want to help me. I said to myself they enough to do without helping me. It’s my problem I deal with it myself. Then I heard God speaking to me and saying Dawn I put it in there hearts to ask you do you need help. To help you because you do. For you not to be so stubborn and think you can do this on your own. When you know you can’t. Let them help you. I sent the disciples to help our Lord Jesus when he needed help in his day when on earth in different ways. They were glad to help him. Jesus was glad of there help. Like the day he road the donkey. Jesus asked them to help him by going to get it for him. That they have to untie it and bring it to him. They helped him by doing that for him. Plus feeding the five thousand people and children that needed fed one day. There are other stories where the disciples helped our Lord Jesus. So all that spoke to me. I then said to people that said can we help you. I sorry I said no I can do it on my own. When you asked could you help me. Would you still like to help me I said they kindly said yes we still can. I was so glad of there help. When they helped me. Afterwards when they were away. I said to myself if I not listen to God done what he told me. I have been stuck and saying why didn’t I take there offer up to help when they offered. Thank you so much for today’s reading love it. Love Dawn Ferguson-Little Enniskillen Co.Fermanagh N.Ireland.
Your words of wisdom are so welcome into my heart!!! I seem to do everything & my children & their spouses always want to help but I do too much prior to their visits. After this Christmas my husband & I talked about making things easier. We have in-laws who come & help with the desserts but enjoy sitting & relaxing afterwards. We’re trying to come up with ideas to make it easier on us. We’re the ones who open our home for everything & are happy to do that just the pre-work is overwhelming & the clean up is huge. We’re older now & just can’t do as much as we have in the past.
Thank you for all of your sweet devotions. I really enjoy reading your writing & feel your a friend thru In-courage. We also live in California.
Lord bless you!
Barbara
I love your heart behind this. You long to longer wish those you love. Love it!
One of my “goals” this year was to build community. In May I joined a new women’s group at my church. In September, I had emergency gallbladder surgery. I’m a single woman and my nearest family is on the opposite coast. It was an exercise in asking for help and watching those ladies show up in ways I never even imagined!
This was very encouraging. I’m very thankful for my church family. They have all reached out to help me and receive help from me. Both are very important for me as a relatively new widow.
I am one who always found it difficult to ask for help. Your message helped me to realize that this is something that was instilled in me from childhood. We always think we are too old to learn new things about ourselves (I’m a mother of two adult children and a grandmother). I’m learning to keep an open mind, I don’t always get it right but I know change takes time. Thank you so much for your very timely post. May God continue to bless your ministry.
How can a get a copy of the “Help List”? I’m one of those who would rather do the things because no one can do it like me. I need to get over that control issue but where do I start?
Kathi, I always love your posts! I am unfortunately one of those people who never ask for help, it’s scary. Thank you for giving me something to think about. Blessings!
Kathi,
Women feel that they need to prove themselves by doing everything. Lysa Terkeurst said it best in her book “Your Best Yes” “Saying yes to everyone & everything won’t make you wonder woman. it will make you a frazzled woman with nothing left to give.” It’s time we took off the facade of being able to do & handle everything and ask for a little help. Besides friends love helping friends.
Sometimes I help out without being asked. I simply realize a need & go about fulfilling it. My pastor & his wife were going to move her mom down here into their home. Knowing they would be busy with moving details I made a chicken pot pie & some bread for them to enjoy. That took some of the burden off them & allowed them to concentrate on getting her mom down here.
Blessings 🙂