From an early age, I knew how to party.
Birthdays? I show up with a present I know you’ll love. I can bake you a cake and decorate it in your favorite colors.
Weddings? My bad dancing does not keep me off the dance floor. I will throw the bridal shower, find the gift on the registry, and stay up late into the night to make sure you feel celebrated. I never needed to be taught how to celebrate you. But you know what I didn’t learn until much later in life?
How to grieve with you.
Until someone I dearly loved died, I didn’t know how to sit with you in your grief. I was so worried about doing the wrong thing that I ended up doing nothing at all.
But, and it’s heartbreaking to say, there are grief experts all around us. Not because they have studied grief, but because they have lived it.
If you are one of the uninitiated, let me tell you what I’m learning about grief: watch those who have walked before us.
There are no magical words that will make a grieving person feel better — and those who have walked the road before know it.
There are things in grief that you don’t know you need, but you do — and those who have lived through grief know it.
When my dad died, we had very few specific ideas for the memorial service, except one thing. My mom wanted a classical guitarist to play. My friend Cheri took on the entirety of that task, including finding the guitarist, providing him with a list of songs my mom wanted, and paying for his services. It was a huge gift, not only to my mom but also to me, because trying to return emails, coordinate logistics, and grieve at the same time was beyond my capacity.
In taking on that one task, Cheri was demonstrating what Paul extolled us to do in Romans 15:12 (NIV):
“Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.”
Last year, when my friend Denise lost her husband suddenly, I couldn’t make it to the memorial service due to other things going on. So I contacted her son and asked, “What can I do? Is there something I can pay for? How can I lighten the load?”
He told me that they were having family come back to their home after the service. I could provide the food. It felt lame and not enough, but having been in that position before, I knew that anything taken off the plate was a gift.
Here are a few other ideas to keep on hand when you need to support a grieving friend or loved one.
1. Begin your texts with the letters NNTR (no need to reply). (Yes, texts are a great way to sit with someone in grief.) These four letters allow you to support without burdening the person who needs the support. So I can send a text sending love and support, without the grieving person feeling obligated to reply.
2. Show up. For most of my life, I didn’t go to the funerals or memorial services when a friend lost a loved one because, well, I didn’t know the person. It felt like an intrusion. But what I’ve learned since losing someone I love is that those people show up because they love you and you are important to them. Not many people knew my dad, especially at the end of his life, but people were there for my mom, my brother, and me. Recently, I went to the memorial of someone I never met, not because I was grieving, but because I needed to be there for my friend who was. Not just to grieve with her but to also laugh with her and celebrate a life that was taken too soon.
3. Stop the made-up timelines. Grief looks different to everyone. I figured I would be back to work in a week or so after my dad died. Isn’t that the rule — parents you get a week or two, spouses maybe a month, and then you are expected to move on with life? Grief doesn’t have an expiration date or clear start and stop like a two-week vacation. Your grieving friend will likely need you to check in a month, six months, and a year after a death. Birthdays and wedding anniversaries are important times to reach out as well.
Grief is a sneaky and tricky companion. But grief, for all its anguish, is a needed partner in the days and months to come. And while our grief may never get smaller, the more love and support we experience makes that grief a little easier to carry day to day.
Our support can ease the burden when grief is too much to bear.
Do you know someone who is in a season of grief?
How can you support them this week?
Amen! There is no expiration date on grief. Unfortunately no one understands it until they have been there. I can hardly believe my husband will have been gone 12 years in February and I still think of him every single day. Grief still sneaks up on me sometimes. I realize I will miss him until the day I go home. Thank you for sharing openly. I think one of my greatest gifts is friends who never met him that patiently listen to me talk about
Such wise words! I once found a card for the 2nd anniversary of a death. I should have bought them out & ordered more! For some the 2nd year is often harder than the first merely because so much of the presence of others has dwindled. I have anniversaries of friends’ loved ones death on my calendar so I can acknowledge them with a card, call or text. Those contacts mean more than the birthday & anniversary calls by far. I’m going to add NNTR to my texts. What a great gift to the already burdened! Thanks for sharing Kathi! Blessings (((0)))
I can attest that the second year is worse than the first after having lost our son at age 19, and we were and still are, 18 years after his passing, amazed at how friends of ours (and JOEY’S) reach out to us on his birthday, mother’s day and special holidays. SUCH A GREAT POINT!!
Wise words for sure. So much I want to say to respond to this but I cannot seem to find the right words other than thank you for sharing this.
Kathi thank you for what you wrote to with grief. What you said is so true. I always tell people when they loose someome especially if they are saved and the family are saved. Yes you will miss them this side of earth. No matter how they died. Should it be suddenly or by an illness or injury or old age. No matter what it is they are not here any more. The things you as Family did together the things they said the laughs you had together. The times you celebrated together like if they were your Husband Mum Dad or Family member close to you. The day you met the day you Married them. Your anniversary their Birthdays Family Holiday days Family get togethers. Are gone to not be celebrating anymore together this side of earth. But God showed me this one day. You not lost all. You have all those memories in your heart of the times you spent with them together and photos to look at of all those things you did together. Plus to keep talking about them and remembering them on theses special days. Yes you not see them in on earth anymore. But you not lost all. You something to look forward to if they are saved like you are. You see them one day again in Glory with Jesus. When your time up on earth. As they are there they will be waiting for you. When you get there you be together this time for ever never to be apart and with Jesus for ever. So that has to make you smile above your saddness of loosing them this side of earth. So you can smile again and think of that. That what I do when I know someone I care about that is no longer here on earth. That is saved that I not see on earth. Plus I thank God I will see them in Glory when my time up on earth with Jesus. I have that to look forward to. Love Dawn Ferguson-Little. Xx keeping you in incourage in prayer ♥️
Very timely devotional as I’ll be going to the funeral this morning for the mother of a friend of mine. Expected and yet I’m sure bittersweet for the family.
I definitely relate to there’s no expiration date on grief – my sweet mother had her Homegoing in 2006; my brother’s tragic death in 2013; and then my sister’s Homegoing in 2021. Still miss ’em!
Kathi, you have some wonderful advice here! Thank you for sharing it.
Thank you, Kathi, for sharing about grief, and all of us that will go through it sometime on our life. My Dad has been gone 20 years now, and I miss him every day. Grief has no expiry date. I am thankful that he loved the Lord and is with him. Time does not heal your wounds, it’s what you do with that time. I pray for all those who are mourning. May God comfort you and give you the peace and rest only He can provide.
Thank you Kathi for sharing. During the months of July and August our church family suffered so much loss. Mothers, fathers, sisters, grandparents and spouses. It was so sad. Even harder, just as you shared, was wondering “what can I do”? We had recently moved to another town, so “popping by” wasn’t really an option, but text and cards were. I think just letting them know we were praying for them and sending love and hugs was just perfect!
As we begin to see our grieving church family again, we get to hug, ask how are you? Do you need anything? Most of all remind them that they are in our prayers \0/
The birthdays as well as the days my daughter and my husband died are still very hard day’s for me. Please be understanding friend during that time.
Grief is so much more than just over a death. I throughly appreciated your thoughts. A wonderful article.
The days after losing our son, Joey at age 19 , seem to be a blur…..being in a state of shock has that effect on the memory. But, there are certain acts of kindness that remain vivid in my memory which comforts me even 18 years later. Kathi, your piece today was spot on! I will relay 2 images among the many that stand out and may help others when they are struggling to be of comfort and who may not know not what to do.
The morning after Joey passed one of his dear friends came over and just sat on the couch….she barely said anything, ( no words needed ) she was simply holding his space for us; anyone who was special to our son was and is VERY special to US. Those he so loved are a piece of JOEY, which still remains on earth and we cherish them as did he.
The second memory is of a friend from church, a nurse, who came into the house one late morning as I just sat in a state of shock at the kitchen table. She simply kissed my cheek and asked if I had eaten anything. I replied, “I don’t know”. She returned 5 minutes later with a steaming plate of scrambled eggs and a piece of toast…this was accompanied by a glass of water….”you need to drink this, Mary, you have been crying and need to hydrate, ok?” I had never even considered that simple necessity and was so grateful for the loving reminder and practical way someone could love me and “DO SOMETHING” for me in such a state of grief. A simple glass of water. YES.
Kathi,
One idea that hit me is just sitting with the grieving person. No words are necessary. Be like Job’s friends who sat with him after many losses. My church will always provide a meal for the family after the funeral. That way the family can sit & talk plus have some food for leftovers. Another good thought is to show up for the viewing. Maybe you don’t know the person well or at all. You can show kindness to the family by going to funeral home, signing your name & giving family condolences. When our pastor died he requested no flowers but donations to a ministry. I made sure to give that ministry some money in his name. A way to honor his love & passion for the ministry. Basically just shower the family with God’s love.
Blessings 🙂
I’ve had the opportunity to be on both sides of this hard equation, many times. And you got it exactly right, my friend. Love you.