My grandmother was born at a time when African Americans, both young and old, referred to any mature Black woman as “Ms.”, which meant that everyone on the Black side of my small town called my grandmother Ms. Magnolia. But I called her Grandma. She was warm, round, and always smelled like Red Door perfume. I still dream about her German Chocolate cake, even though she passed away fourteen years ago. I spent almost every summer day with Grandma while my parents worked. There was a lot about my grandmother’s life that didn’t make sense until I got older.
As an adult, I realized that the choices my grandmother made when I was a child would become the footprints of forgiveness God would use to save my life as an adult decades later.
Before I was born, my grandparents divorced because of my grandfather’s infidelity. I only saw Granddaddy on the holidays, even though he lived in our little small town. Grandma’s hurt and anger blended into bitterness, resulting in dangerous bleeding ulcers and frequent hospitalizations. The seriousness of Grandma’s medical problems sparked a wake-up call in her life that she needed to lean back into her Christian faith. As Grandma began her forgiveness journey, her body began to heal and her joyful attitude returned.
When I was around ten years old, I ran into my grandma’s little apartment and discovered that my grandfather was there. He’d had hip replacement surgery and no one else was available to help him. As a kid, I didn’t understand everything that was going on, but I was able to see that my grandma took care of my grandfather when he couldn’t take care of himself.
After my grandfather recovered, he began stopping by our house almost every day. He’d bring my mom fresh catches from fishing or hang out with my dad. He’d pick me up from sports or drive my sister and her cello to school. Grandma’s forgiveness helped her recover physically and emotionally, but it also opened the door for Granddaddy to become part of our lives. Her forgiveness changed our grandfather, who found ways to regularly slip money to my mom and aunts to help take care of things my grandmother needed.
Little did I know that my grandmother’s journey would one day become a path to healing and peace for me.
A week after my grandfather’s funeral in 2003, my grandmother told me that the best life decision she had ever made was to forgive my grandfather. While she never minimized the pain that his choices inflicted on her and their children, Grandma had experienced the blessing that came with letting go of her pain and bitterness. While there were bumps and setbacks over the years when certain triggers got pushed, Grandma’s footsteps of forgiveness didn’t fade away and her example was imprinted in my mind.
Seven years after my grandmother passed away in January 2009, I was the wounded wife. For a time, anger, bitterness, and self-righteousness started tasting pretty good. Yet, God used my grandmother’s forgiveness footprints to gently press conviction across the raw shreds of my broken and bitter-leaning heart.
On a cold day that January in my prayer closet, I had to make a choice: Would I get better or give in to being bitter? God illuminated the memories of my grandmother’s forgiveness footsteps and wooed me toward better. Following in those footsteps took time. But every step I took away from bitter toward better loosened the chokehold that anger and hopelessness had on my heart. Each time I made the choice to forgive, I experienced a little more freedom and peace, which is what my heart longed for all along.
Much has been written about Jesus’ teaching to Peter in Matthew 18:22 about the 70×7 forgiveness principle:
“No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven!
Matthew 18:22
When we’re hurt, our desire is to cut people off in the hope that the pain cuts off as well. Part of our struggle with forgiveness is that the pain doesn’t go away immediately, so our attempts at forgiveness can feel like a failure. Yet, as I reflect on the context of Jesus’ teaching and my grandmother’s example, I see forgiveness as a journey more than just the number of times we forgive someone. Even as Jesus’ 70×7 teaching prompts us toward obedience, could it also be a reminder that forgiveness may need to be repeated over long periods of time?
Life hurts, but God doesn’t want unforgiveness to hold us hostage in negativity and bitterness. So, if we stop seeing forgiveness as an instant action and instead, we live it as a symbol of a process or a journey, we put ourselves in a position to experience God’s freedom and healing peace much sooner. One day at a time, friends. What matters is that we keep moving in the footsteps of forgiveness and do not give up.
Kathleen Burkinshaw says
Your words speak to my soul. I needed to read this today. Thank you for sharing your Grandmother’s example of living out Jesus’ words.- showing us how we can have strength walking the journey of forgiveness because Jesus is leading the way, is with us as we take our steps and when we backtrack and understands where we are right now, and that he waits for us in heaven. Thank you also for sharing your faith and heart. Wishing you a Blessed Easter season
Barb Roose says
Oh Kathleen, I’m thanking God right now that He knew exactly what you needed to read today. Forgiveness is a hard-fought journey, but as you’ve shared, Jesus truly is with us each step of the journey, both in the forward and backward. Amen.
ARIEL KRIENKE says
Great episode. Yea a book I read said not forgiving someone is like drinking poison hoping it will kill the other person. We learn from the hurt and build trust again but forgiveness is so bitterness doesn’t build up in our hearts and corrupt us. Thank you again.
Barb Roose says
So good, Ariel! And so true! thank you for sharing this with us today.
Areum says
I learned over the years that forgiveness is a journey, an intentional choice I need to make.
Years ago a Bible study teacher asked, “Why does God ask you to forgive?” Its for our sake – He doesn’t want us holding onto anger and bitterness.
Barb Roose says
Such great wisdom! Thank you for sharing what you’ve learned and your experience with us.
Melody Bollinger says
This was not only engaging to read but also written so well. Thank you for sharing such a life-giving story rich with insight.
Barb Roose says
Thank you for those kind words, Melody! We’re glad that you joined us here on (in)courage today.
Carolyn says
Thank You!!
I am so thankful to have read your story. By sharing this truth, my prayer is that many lives will bend towards healing. Including members of my family and in myself. May this be so, Father. Amen.
Barb Roose says
Agreeing with you in prayer for all, including you and your family, Carolyn! Amen!
Bev Rihtarchik says
Barb,
Like you and your dear grandma, I have been the wounded wife. I know how easy it is to hold onto unforgiveness and bitterness, but when we harbor unforgiveness we are trapped in a prison cell of our own making. I’ve learned I am not the judge and jury — God is. I agree, forgiveness is a process or journey. Memories will push our buttons, but that’s a cue to turn it all back over to the Lord. We may never forget, but forgiveness is the only path to freedom and eventual peace.
Blessings,
Bev
Barb Roose says
Bev, thank you for sharing those powerful words of truth and wisdom from your own difficult and painful experience. I’m so glad that you chose the forgiveness journey as well. Praying God’s continued peace and healing for you.
Sharon McRoy says
Thank you for sharing your grandmother’s story, Barb. We ALL have struggles with forgiving someone who have violated our trust, hurt us deeply. We are left with the long, arduous journey of rebuilding our brokenness. I envy those who seemingly go through a short season of healing. Most of us endure a much longer season of pain, until we finally heed Christ’s urging of forgiveness before we can truly enter the season of restorative healing. Your grandmother left you a living legacy of forgiveness in action.
Barb Roose says
You’re right, Sharon. We all experience the pain of being hurt or wounded. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with us today.
d from Canada says
That was beautiful Barb ~ Thank You
Barb Roose says
You’re welcome! Thank you for stopping by (in)courage today!
Terry says
Barb, that was just what I needed to read today! My family is being torn apart by bitterness and unforgiveness! Thank you so much for writing this.
Barb Roose says
Oh Terry, my heart breaks for you and your family. It’s so hard when everyone is hurting. I’m glad that God knew what you needed to see today to encourage you.
Irene says
Thanks, Barb. Years ago a pastor advised me to forgive my dad. He said that my unforgiveness was hurting me much more than it was hurting my dad. It took a long time, but I was able to forgive him. And it made his last days much easier for us both.
Barb Roose says
Hi Irene! Thank you for sharing your forgiveness journey. It isn’t easy, but I’m glad that your decision made life easier in your dad’s final days.
Deb Schmidt says
Thank you for this article! The grandmother in this message could be me. Up until a year ago, I was in the deep hurt, pain, anger, and bitterness of what my ex-husband had done to me for a period of twenty seven years. And the pain is still there forty years after first finding out what he was doing. I have been in the process of forgiveness of what my ex-husband did to me. It is a daily journey that I take and I am so thankful for your message, the good Christian friends, and the information that God has put in my path. It is a journey that has drawn me closer to God. I want to be the example of God’s forgiveness and the joy that knowing Him and living that life of following Him has brought to me.
Barb Roose says
Precious Deb, I’m so very sorry for the pain that you’ve experienced. Those wounds are deep and painful. Thank you for sharing your story today, especially since there will be so many that can relate to your pain and heartache. I commend your courage for taking your forgiveness journey and I love that it’s brought you close to God. Your story will inspire others today!
Kathy Francescon says
What a beautiful and inspiring story of forgiveness and love and healing! I would have loved to have known your grandmother!
She is still blessing others today! What a wonderful legacy she has left through your memories as you have shared them with us! God is always providing what our wounded hearts need to hear! Thank you, Ms. Magnolia!
Linda says
Beautiful story and so true!
Debra says
Thank you, Barb. Needed to hear this – so many hurts these days – yet, our Lord calls us to forgive as we ask Him to forgive our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. I need God’s forgiveness so I need to forgive as well. Daily. So I pray for God’s Grace to do just that…
Christina Wienroth says
Thank you for sharing – Such a great and impressive testimony! No better way to make clear why we live if we decide to forgive than your’s and your Grandma’s example
Yolanda H says
This short read was very fulfilling. I always cut off! I also repeat the event taking others on my hurt journey! I even was everyone to be on my side to validate my actions. Forgiveness is so hard for me and this article makes me want work on this part of my personality! Thank you ☺️. Yolanda.
Beth Williams says
Barb,
When Jesus taught the disciples to pray He said “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us”. He won’t forgive us if we harbor unforgiveness in our hearts. Being bitter about situations doesn’t hurt anyone but yourself. I can attest to that. Last fall my new job changed drastically. I was bitter about the work I was given to do. So much so that depression set in for a while. Then through prayer, hubby & friends I learned to accept it & ask God to forgive me for how I acted. I believe He forgives me because I am quick to forgive others when I feel they need it.
Blessings 🙂