I was about to walk into a birthday party when my phone buzzed. After several months of waiting for appointments and tests, the results were finally here and the diagnosis was clear: cancer.
Again. Actually, again again.
Cancer keeps weaving its way back into our family story, climbing into another chapter, leaving its fingerprints year after year.
Just half an hour earlier, I twirled in my bright fuchsia dress, ready to celebrate.
I read the message again as I contemplated driving home. How can I walk into the party and not give it away? I wondered as I stared at my own reflection in the rearview mirror, eyes glassy and cheeks tearstained. Most of my closest friends were already inside, the ones who prayed for answers all year long, the very people I would have immediately called after reading the text — if they hadn’t been gathered for cake and karaoke.
I’ll tell them tomorrow, I decided, blinking furiously, determined to show up and not steal the moment. As long as one other person knows, as long as I’m not holding this on my own, then I can carry it with a smile for the next two hours. But two texts and three unanswered FaceTime calls later, my plan crumbled. Out-of-state friends were out at dinner or away from their phones. I gave myself a minute, reapplied lipstick, took a deep breath, and said, “Well Jesus, it’s You and me. Will You carry this with me? Help me bring joy to the room and then get me home.”
Half an hour later, a ruffled fuchsia dress danced around the room. But before that, before the chocolate cake or the group selfie or the mediocre but so very earnest karaoke, Jesus showed up to greet me at the door.
Oh, He looked like my friend Janie. His voice sounded like her whispered question, “Weren’t you supposed to find out today?” Jesus’s arms wrapped tightly around me and whispered, I’ll hold it with you, as I quietly replied “Yes, Dad has cancer. But tonight is for celebrating. I’ll tell everyone tomorrow.”
We danced. We laughed. We sang.
The joy was real. The sadness was, too. And for a few hours, I spun around and smiled wide, feeling the tension while knowing one thing for sure: Jesus was in the room.
Ecclesiastes 3 says there is a time and a season for everything. I’ve often thought of verses 2-8 as stand-alone opposites — a time to be born and a time to die, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance — but sometimes we find ourselves in a season that seems to hold everything.
We blink back tears while twirling, carry a newborn while standing at a gravesite, and celebrate another year of life while wondering how much time remains. We discover grief and gratitude often go together and hope and heartache tend to hold hands. We sit in the tension of the in-between. . . and we find that Jesus is there, too. He’s there in the season of a lot, listening to every parking lot prayer. He joins us in the middle of the unknown, staying with us as we cry in the car, greeting us at the door, spinning us around on the living room floor, drawing us close and whispering, I’ll hold it with you.
Even the most overwhelming and seemingly impossible of circumstances is no match for the One who holds it all and says “this isn’t too much for Me.”
This season is stretching on. The path forward isn’t clear and we don’t know what’s next. But I’m resting in this as I reach for a bright dress, choosing to dance through the wait.
For everything there is a season, and the unchanging God will be with us in every one. Our circumstances don’t change His character and although our Right Now might be a lot, His hands are not too full.
We have a God who doesn’t tease, who sees the end from the beginning, and has promised to bring us all the way Home. No matter what tomorrow brings, He will carry us through.
If today’s post resonated and you’d like more encouragement from Kaitlyn, her book Even If Not: Living, Loving, and Learning in the in Between will help you choose hope for tomorrow when today feels like a question mark.
Amen! I’m in a spot with potentially big hard news of a loved one yet it’s not my news to tell. So I pray & try to encourage. I’ve found it hard not asking for prayers of others but your post painting the picture of Jesus holding it with me is perfect. He may not look & sound like a prayer warrior I know but He is with me just the same. Your words have refilled my encouragement tank so that I can continue to hold & encourage my loved one. Blessings! (((0)))
I very much understand being in that spot… it’s a lot to carry silently! Praying you have a few friends to turn to as Jesus holds it with you.
This is where I am at. I recently got news that rocked my world and made me doubt I had a reason to live. I’m just going through the motions, clinging to the thread that tomorrow might, just may be the day hope and joy show up. Others are carrying me through this time. I’m borrowing their hope, joy and faith until I get my own miracle.
I’m so sorry and I (we, all of us at (in)courage) are so glad you’re here. We’ll hope for you. xoxo
Kaitlyn,
Who knew that as I’ve been praying for your father and family, something like this would land at my door. This past weekend I had a conversation with a friend about how we can simultaneously feel opposing emotions; it’s not “either/or,” it’s often “many/all.” God remains the calm in the storm, the constant center around which chaos revolves. His presence brings good news to every circumstance, and my plea is to get to see and understand, for the Spirit to lead and comfort.
Your words here are personal to me, and I’m so grateful you shared a painfully personal season to bless others. I’m a grateful recipient <3.
” it’s not “either/or,” it’s often “many/all.” ”
This is such a succinct way to describe difficult situations. Thank you for your wisdom.
With you in the both/and + many/all of it all, friend. <3
Thank you for sharing this and bringing encouragement in the midst of the storm….reminding us of the faithfulness of God and His love for us. My husband of 48 years spent two months in the hospital and passed on New Year’s Day. When I read this, I felt it was a personal note from God to encourage me. I have journaled your thoughts as a reminder to me that I am not alone, and He is right here with me. Thank you.
Oh my… pausing to pray for you right this minute, Brenda. You are not alone. Not for a second.
WOW! Amen! I needed this, this morning. Please keep my mama (Linda) and me in your prayers!
<3 <3 <3
What you have written has touched my heart so deeply. And I thank you.
Grateful to hear it met you right where you are, at just the right time. <3
This is beautiful! I love the expression of “I’ll hold it with you.” That is what we do for each other and we trust that Jesus is holding the weight of it all, if we let Him.
I’m sitting here crying after reading this. I am in the most overwhelming circumstances I have ever faced, and the accompanying depression is way too much for me. It feels so hopeless and finding Jesus in it all is hard.
Becky,
Abba Father, Please comfort Becky during these trying times. Send your comfort & peace to her weary soul. Give her a glimmer of hope to hang on to. In Jesus Name AMEN1!
Blessings 🙂
I echo Beth’s prayer. May hope and joy and comfort become an echo in your days.
Sending love to you, Kaitlyn. Praying for you and your family ❤️
Dear Kaitlyn,
I’m sorry to read of your dad’s cancer diagnosis. I’ll keep you and your family in my prayers.
Beautiful post; your faith was so strong that Jesus showed up right when you needed him. We all need our faith to be that deep and trusting all the time.
Blessings, Sandy
Lord, I pray for all the women that left a comment of their heart-breaking journey. Would you please hold it for them, walk with them and carry them when they feel so burdened, for You tell us that nothing is too heavy for You, no matter what tomorrow holds You will be with us and comfort us.
Amen BC! I was coming back to this page to pray for the commentors but you beautifully beat me to it. Way to go heavenly sis!
Amen and amen and amen.
Kaitlyn God does hold us no matter what we go through. Cancer not nice. No matter who take it. I never had it. But I know people who had it and died of it. Leaving family without their loved one’s. But you know what when Things like this happen. Even if not cancer or something just as not as nice. I found this saying on line. It helped me when I was not well and before I had my hysterectomy 5 years ago in October last year. It said simply this. “Don’t worry about tomorrow God is already there” how true that is. That saying spoke to me when I first found it on line. That no matter what I went through with my health each day God I was not to worry God has already gone before me and was there for me. To help me through it all. As I took seizures because my be hormones each month as a woman went up the left with my periods. So I had to have hysterectomy to stop that happing. God went before me took me through it all. Like he took you through all you went through katilyn. He is a God that never leaves us nor forsakes us. I say Amen to that. Love today’s reading Kaitlyn.
Thank you for sharing this sentence of truth and encouragement, Dawn!
As I continue to battle Chronic Illness with 2 Different Diseases…this resonates with my SoulI keep finding the places of praise and let God hold it with meI can Trust Him
Kaitlyn,
Prayers for you & your family. This is so true: “We have a God who sees the end from the beginning, and has promised to bring us all the way Home. No matter what tomorrow brings, He will carry us through.” Life may seem bleak at the moment. There may seem no way out of your pain, or trial. Yet our loving God has made a way & will guide through to the end.
Blessings 🙂
Amen to all of your sharing and the faith you hold in your hearts for our wonderful God. Life hurts so bad and so much for all of us and/or those we love. But God…He is the most powerful medicine we can ever reach for, no matter the reason. Blessings to everyone today and all of your tomorrow! Praise God, Praise God, the Great Healer of all pain.
What beautiful heartfelt words you have written here. ❤️ As I was reading your blog, I was thinking of some special friends I want to share this with. I have had 3 different cancers…I guess God isn’t finished with me yet. I have a friend who has been fighting a liver cancer for 8 years – and recently found out her tumors are growing again. She and I encourage each other with God’s word!
Your words were a blessing to my day.