The after-school havoc of homework and the dinner rush hour had created an environment of chaos in the afternoons. And when my six-year-old brought home two different family portrait drawings from art class, where I was on the computer and my phone, I knew something needed to change. So I came up with some after-school boundaries for me and my kids to prevent dinner prep crazies and help me get face-to-face time with them.
Things were going great until one afternoon when I stepped outside boundary number one: Mom won’t talk on the phone until dinner is started and homework is complete.
I answered a friend’s call, got caught up in our conversation, and agreed to let my then eight-year-old, Joshua, watch TV before homework was finished. That pushed us outside boundary number two: No screen time until homework is finished.
An hour later, I hung up the phone in a panic because we needed to leave in thirty minutes, but I needed a shower and Joshua needed to finish his homework. So I yelled at him to do so from upstairs.
Thirty minutes later, I ran downstairs where Joshua was playing, and his almost finished homework was strewn across the table. I wasn’t a happy mama! My tone wasn’t gentle, and my words gave no indication that love is patient. I ranted about his mess and threatened to never let him watch TV after school again as we scrambled to the car.
Joshua’s silent stare out the car window told me he was upset. “I’m sorry I lost my temper with you. It bothered me you didn’t finish your homework like you’d promised. And you left a mess on the table.”
God reminded me how I broke my promise to stay off the phone. As much as I wanted to blame Joshua, my hurried, short-fused attitude was my fault. I let a phone call come before what I knew God wanted, which was for me to create a peaceful after-school environment and pace for my kids and me. My choice led to a tailspin of hurry and anxiety in my heart that spilled out in harsh tones and unkind words.
It reminded me of what Jesus said in Luke 6:45, “A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart. . . . For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.”
I knew I had another choice to make. I could think of an excuse, or I could apologize.
Growing up, I never heard my parents apologize — not to each other, not to us kids, not to anyone. Unfortunately, resentment and unforgiveness were common in my family, and I hated how it felt. When I had children, I begged God to show me how to stop that precedent. Through Jesus’ words, “Treat others as you want them to treat you,” I sensed Him showing me early on that my children needed me to model humility and the language of apology.
So, I took a deep breath that afternoon in the car and told Joshua I was wrong for talking to him the way I did. And then I asked, “How did that make you feel?”
“Like you expect me to be perfect,” he replied.
“I don’t expect you to be perfect, but I do want you to be responsible,” I told him. “Still, I shouldn’t have talked to you the way I did. I answered my phone and stayed on too long. And when I realized we were going to be late, I took it out on you. Will you forgive me?” I asked.
“I forgive you,” he said. Then he looked at me and asked, “Mom, how do you expect me to learn to use kind words when you don’t even use them with me?”
That was a really good question and a very painful observation for me to hear.
I slowed my car down and pulled off the road. Reaching over to softly touch Joshua’s chin, I gently turned his face so I could see his eyes. “Can I try again?” I asked.
I repeated almost exactly what I had said at home, but this time my tone was gentle. I gave the same warnings but not with the same wrath. And the outcome was much more effective.
As hard as it was to hear Joshua call me out — albeit, in a very calm and respectful way — it was good for me. It helped me see how I was contradicting things I had been teaching him and that we were learning as a family about using kind words. It also gave me the chance to restore our relationship through the language of apology and forgiveness.
Like most parents, I hesitated to admit when I messed up and to apologize to my kids. I was afraid they’d lose respect or question my credibility as a parent. But the opposite happened. They’ve told me as adults now how much more they respected me for admitting I wasn’t perfect.
We’ll never be perfect, mama, and that’s a good thing. Our kids can’t live up to perfect, and it helps them know they don’t have to be when we admit we’re imperfect too. As toddlers, teens, and adults, they need to hear, see, and experience the power of apology and the healing of forgiveness — in both giving and receiving it. You see, we model the gospel in our hearts and our homes when we admit our mistakes and confess our sins. It helps our children see how much we need God’s grace and forgiveness and realize how much they need it too.
Lord, thank You for showing me I don’t have to be perfect. Give me Your confidence to admit to my children when I mess up. I pray our home would be filled with the humility of admission, the kindness of an apology, and the forgiveness of Christ. Amen.
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Do you ever feel like you’re not doing enough as a mom but have no idea how you could do anything more? In her new book, A Confident Mom: Simple Ways to Give Your Child What They Need Most, Renee Swope offers the encouragement and wisdom of a friend and mentor who comes alongside to help you find confidence, purpose, and meaning as a mom.
Through personal lessons she’s learned, biblical truths, and practical tools, A Confident Mom will help you take a deep breath of God’s grace and show you how to:
- Exchange the exhaustion of constantly correcting your kids’ bad habits with meaningful and creative ways to connect with their hearts
- Implement positive and encouraging practices to help you notice and nurture your child’s character and unique God-given design
- Let go of performance-based living and pursue relationship-driven parenting
- Find a new place to start on those days when you’re tempted to quit.
Leave a comment below telling us the encouragement you need as a mom, and you’ll be entered to WIN a copy of A Confident Mom!
Then join Renee and (in)courage community manager Becky Keife for a chat all about becoming A Confident Mom! Tune in tomorrow, 3/16/22, on our Facebook page at 11am CST for their conversation.
Thanks Renee for your powerful words and real life example- this so encouraged me today.
Jenny, I’m so glad my story encouraged you!! Motherhood is hard and messy some days, but for Jesus wants us to know He offers us mama’s so much grace, and boy am I grateful.
Loved this story! I’ve also vowed as a parent to own my wrongs and preach it from the mountaintops. A few mos ago, my 6yo spill something, and quietly grabbed a paper towel and cleaned he up. Afterwards he ran over to me and told me he owned his mistake and made it right. My heart sang!! There is so much more to learn. Right now I’m looking for guidance on how to guide my son through grief following a miscarriage. I want to help hold his sweet heart ❤️
What a precious gift. You are teaching your little ones a beautiful, lifelong practice that will set them apart. Great job mama!!
Hello Mothers,
I am one of those who love the role of being a mother. I am not quick to admit that it’s the most difficult role to embrace without the Holy Spirit to lead and guide you on this “life long” journey. I didn’t know that those mothers who tred this path before me needed help also. As a “normal” female, I like to be right, I like to correct others, I like to be in charge of projects, and I really enjoy looking like it’s easy to get the job done.
Okay, alert, when you become a mother you start over in being a little girl playing with your dolls. But real babies need everything to thrive. Only it’s not easy to learn on the go. All new babies have their personalities already crafted (DNA, RNA, humanity) and they can’t talk to us about their concerns so they cry out to us for help. Of course, we don’t know how to read between the lines (smile). My advice is to ask God to teach you to be the best mother you can be for your new baby each time you get a new baby, a new toddler, a new pre-schooler, a new Jr. High student, a new High School student, a new college student and a new young adult who will always need your attention and encouragement. Yes, it’s a lifetime journey that can bring such reward and fulfillment.
Never give up on your journey and don’t be surprised when your children teach you valuable lessons also.
Enjoy your day.
Brenda
Amen. God often uses my children to teach me what He wants me to learn. 🙂
Wow! Yes! Too often I go to bed feeling like I messed up as a mama – telling myself that I can do better the next day. Thank you for reminding me that I don’t have to be perfect (and neither do my kids) and that there is great power in a heartfelt apology. <3
I used to go to bed feeling guilty, too, and when I did it was so hard to sleep. I’m so thankful Jesus eventually got me to start apologizing sooner than later. And if my kids were asleep, I’d do it the next day. That’s what being a confident mom looks like. Being confident that HE who began His good work in us and in our kids will complete it until we see HIM!!
Thank you for this reminder. Even though my own children are adults now, I am a teacher, so I get to practice these things daily. Just like being a mother, some days I do better than others, but if I ask Jesus to guide my words and actions each day, things go much smoother, and my witness is much more credible.
I love that you are “mothering” the children in your classroom and modeling the beautiful power of an apology. You don’t have to be perfect. What matters is that we care and do the best we can. And when we fall short, His mercies are there, new every morning. Great is His faithfulness. So grateful for Him.
Thank you for this, Renee. I always love seeing your name on here because it is always something I need to be reminded of in parenting. I always ask God to mold me into the momma He would have me to be and please fill in where I lack!
That’s a beautiful prayer Courtney, and one I know He will and is honoring each day. I hope you’ll win a copy of my book since it sounds like one you’d enjoy!
I had a very wise supervisor who saw me struggle with family, work, and all that comes with life. She helped me to “take off the cape”- I was not super mom and had no need to be. I put the “cape” in the drawer and what a relief. Yes, we need to be kind to others, but mostly that comes from first being kind to ourselves.
Thank you for sharing that. It’s so very true! One of the things I talk about in my new book, A Confident Mom, is that I finally realized everything I needed to know as a mom, I would need to learn, receive and believe as a child of God. God’s grace towards us is so much more than we realize or offer ourselves. And I’m so grateful.
It’s hard to be this disciplined in my heart when I have not one…. But three…. Simultaneously speaking/talking/running/being kids. I may be able to show restraint and honor boundaries I have set when it’s with only one child around..: but with several children around it isn’t simple
To clean up the messes I made whilst parenting with frustration and exhaustion.
My goodness! How timely this simple lesson is!! A weekend getaway for my precious daughter and son-in-law gave me plenty of time with my grandchildren; however, a simple game of UnoFlip quickly became the trying grounds of winning easily, (maybe a little bit of cheating), and reacting too much, too quickly, resulted in me acting just like my father to my only grand daughter!
Like many of us, my parents also, in the scope of their lives never said I’m sorry to anyone for anything!! As l spoke words to my precious Hanna, l also had to ask her forgiveness, and trying once again to avoid the seeds of harshness and sadness that my siblings and l endured until the Lord took my father home!
How precious is forgiveness?? And how in our homes will we ever be worthy of the forgiveness of our Heavenly Father??
Thank you for your words! The Holy Spirit had already spoken to my heart, but it is always a blessing that as parents, grandparents, even precious children, we will never be perfect enough to be part of heaven!!
So thankful for Christ, who bridged the gap of faith, for me!!
Amen!! What a sweet gift of humility you gave your precious Hanna. You are starting a new legacy for your family and it will matter for generations to come!!
Wow! Does the lord put things in your view when you need it! Just had parent teacher conferences for my little. Definitely puts into perspective areas I need to work on as a momma to help him reach his full potential.
Isn’t God’s timing so sweet? I just said a prayer for you, Renee, to know just what your little one needs to hear and how you can encourage his heart. xoxo
Renee,
Children are imitators. They watch us to see how we behave. It’s good to show them that we aren’t perfect. We are, like them, flawed humans who mess up. They can realize that they aren’t expected to be perfect all the time. They can make mistakes like us & we will forgive them once they own it. Praying for all mamas out there. It is truly hard to raise Godly Christian children in today’s society.
Blessings 🙂
You’re right, children really do learn from watching us, just like we did with our parents. May we model Jesus’ love, forgiveness, humility and grace — and say we’re sorry when we don’t knowing Jesus will use that too.
I can’t begin to explain how much this encouraged me this morning. As a mom of three girls under 9, I struggle everyday with motherhood and wondering, “Am I doing this right?” So looking forward to reading more and gleaning wisdom from you, Renee. ♥️
Shannon, I wrote my new book for moms just like you, who are in the trenches loving their kids (of every age) and wanting to do the best they can but feeling like it’s never enough. I know how that feels. It’s overwhelming but Jesus wants you to know the fact that you care and want to is what matters most to Him. I hope you win a copy of my book or get one for yourself for Mother’s day!!
Thank you for sharing this
You’re welcome!!
Thank you for your encouragement. As moms, we need to build each other up and let each other know that it’s ok!! We all mess up. We are all a mess just doing the best we can each and every day. And we aren’t alone. God is on our side and so are other moms. I look forward to reading this book!!
I agree! My prayer is that moms will become the biggest cheerleaders of each other!
I know your words will help others. No one is perfect, we learn and do better. With much prayers always.
We learn and we lean in Jesus. His grace is always there for us!
Encouragement I need as a mom- daily Encouragement in motherhood, ways to find rest and not lose my temper at little things
Eek! I just found myself in this situation last night. As a single mom to a 14-yr old introvert girl who has cancer and doesn’t talk to anyone but her therapist, and a 13-yr old son who defies all rules and pushes every boundary, I find myself losing my patience with my words and tone more often than I would like to admit. Although I often apologize to my kids and ask for forgiveness when I mess up, I just keep praying that I get to a place where I don’t have to because I choose patience and kind words first.
Thank you for the reminder, Renee! I actually had this up in my phone to read yesterday and then… life. So as I messed up last night, I thank the Holy Spirit for putting this in my life this morning right when I needed to hear it!
Wow. Talk about timing. It’s late at night, the kids are in bed, and I’m trying to settle down after an argument with my teenage daughter. I said some things and later apologized, but still feel that bad mom feeling. I told God I am failing my kids and screwing up something He gave me.
I got on my phone to unwind when your email popped up and the subject line lured me. Your story is soooo relatable and the timing of receiving it, right when I needed the encouragement.
Regardless of if I win a copy, I’m definitely going to have to look into this book.
Wow! God really has a way of sending you exactly what you don’t even know you need! This sounds exactly like me when parenting my high needs neuroatypical 6-1/2 year old daughter. I feel like Im always “messing up” and apologizing afterwards. I’m encouraged to know that this will help her learn that mistakes are part of life and that it’s how we deal with them that’s important.
While my children are grown with their own children I would love to be encouraged to be a better more loving mom! Thanks for the opportunity. Sharon
These are words I need now even as my children are grown.
My son is struggling after starting high school and I am struggling with being a teenager’s mom. I told him, we have to figure things out together. I think I am doing good then along comes the next thing. Now I am sitting and praying, trying to keep my mind busy as we wait. He didn’t come home from school yesterday. Praying constantly for his protection.
This article is just what I needed to hear! I let hurry and stress dictate how I speak to my kids – and I end up feeling like a failure. I do apologize when I am out of line but the lesson I really need to learn is that my tone during those stressful moments can be better if my heart is aligned with Biblical truth.
Just recently and through most of my daughter’s life we have dealt with struggles. She is a beautiful, sweet, creative, loving, and bright girl but she struggles with confidence, anxiety, getting upset/angry over small things, can’t focus at times, and struggles with listening especially at home. We have tried suggestions from her doctor, books, and counselors but we still have struggles. As parents we want to build her up and help her be confident but I feel I have failed as a mom with how I respond at times. I try to be positive and point out the good but yet in heated moments I have lost my cool due to my own stress and got too upset with her. We forgive each other and try to move forward but I feel I have failed some how along the way to be that mom she needs by putting my work and school before dealing with issues. I truly try to balance it all and be there for our son too but it is hard at times. Honestly I would love this book to help me realize how to be a better mom and how I possibly am doing good things that I need to continue. I pray I can be that role model for my daughter and son to grow up to be wonderful individuals and maybe one day into positive wonderful parents themselves!
This message resonates with me, as I am married to a perfectionist, and I have seen how his tendancies have spilled over into my children in different ways. These kiddos are now becoming parents themselves, and I pray that they will realize that they do not have to be perfect because God made them to be the parents their child will need. I would love to share this new book with each of them in hopes to encourage them to be the parent God made them to be, and to lean into His power on this blessed journey that they are beginning as mommies and daddies!
Hello,
Thank you for such good advice.
I pray we all will be more understanding & loving to everyone we meet!
Hugs
Sandy