I get to my seat and it’s a window because I like to see what’s going on outside. I put my bag under the seat, send a few last text messages before I have to go into airplane mode, and buckle my seatbelt. My airpods are in, music is going, and we start to taxi to the runway. As we increase our speed, I take a few deep breaths because there’s one thing I know: I want to be on the ground.
There once was a time when I would fly at least once a month; one year, I flew over 35,000 miles. Sometimes it was work, other times it was visiting my family on the other side of the country or attending a wedding. Either way, the miles added up and you’d think that my tolerance for the stresses of travel would be nice and high. You would, however, be wrong.
I’m one of those people who has panic attacks. So a flight can’t just be a time to watch movies and write in my journal or take a nap. No, my body goes into a full-on panic if we start to encounter turbulence.
I get a fight-or-flight jolt whenever a plane begins to shake.
Some things happened early in my life that left me with the inability to know when something is safe or unsafe. I can certainly know it in my head, but my body is another story entirely. My body is regularly trying to figure out if something is a threat and because of this, my pulse will rise without me running sprints or doing jumping jacks or hiking a mountain. I know that my body is trying to help me, but sometimes it makes me feel pretty helpless.
It’s easy to not feel a lot of grace when you are in the middle of trying to survive what feels like an overwhelming and never-ending cycle of fear.
I’ve tried just about everything that I can think to do and have met with therapists over the years, but when I try to slow my breathing or do exercises to get back into my right mind again, all I can think is that I need help because of my panic and it somehow makes it worse. A few years ago, however, I discovered something that helps in my moments of anxiety: I just let it happen.
I have spent so many years trying to control the outcome of these experiences and one day I decided to see what would happen if I just allowed my pulse to rise and had grace for the fact that my breathing was changing. I accepted the fact that I was probably going to cry in front of strangers and reached into my backpack to grab a holding cross I keep for comfort. It’s a little wooden cross that has smooth edges and is easy to grasp and I move it around between my fingers, reminding myself that Jesus is with me even in this. It is not a moment of tranquility or instant resolve. My grip on the cross usually involves white knuckles.
But as I have started to allow my helplessness to stay, it reminds me of my hopefulness that Jesus also stays. In the Bible, He is given the nickname Emmanuel, which means God with us. He very easily could have seen us in our mess and decided to snap His fingers and resolve all of our problems, but our God is relational, so He decided to roll up His sleeves and come to us. And because His character never changes, He’s still doing that today.
When I panic, He is not rolling his eyes — He is rolling up His sleeves.
Jesus rolls up His sleeves, He packs His carry-on, goes through security, and sits next to me on airplanes while I try to make it through to landing. And He does not disappear once my moment of need has passed. Instead, I am reminded in my moment of need that He was always there to begin with.
And He will always be there to the very end. And beyond it.
Jesus meets us when we are facing deep heartache or going on a first date or doing the dishes or making impossible parenting decisions. He is present when we are feeling the most confident and He is present when we are the most terrified. And perhaps this is the greatest gift to me in my panic: I remember my Prince of Peace, who does not always take away the struggle I am facing, but He certainly sits with me in it.
And when we land, He walks with me to baggage claim.
“He’s not rolling His eyes, He’s rolling up His sleeves ” So True!!! Blessings (((0)))
So helpful to think of Jesus sitting right besides me. In my head I know these things, but like you, when that plane begins to shake, panic sets in. I have found that thinking about Jesus calming the wind like when the disciples were that boat, and asking to do the same helps a little. But, to be honest, I am begging for him to calm the winds. If I am really honest, the who process sets me off- deciding on a flight, what day, getting to the airport, packing, the lines, etc, etc. Maybe if I think of Jesus as my traveling companion I just might get through the next trip a little easier.
I’m with you, Madeline! The whole travel process is difficult for me. The actual flying might be the easiest part.
I do love the thought “He’s not rolling His eyes, He’s rolling up His sleeves.” I’m packing that one!
Thank you,Melissa!!! You have described me to a tee!! Your words encourage me and remind me that sometimes fighting the anxiety is sometimes making it worse!!! Jesus is helping me more and more learn to turn to him in these moments, but it’s a long road God Bless you and may you feel him close in your panic moments too!!
Dear Melissa………..Well, I can certainly connect with your words today. I began getting panic attacks when I was 7 years old. It is odd as when I was 4 years old, my parents sent me for swimming lessons. There were many kids there, but one man decided he was going to play a game with me and he grabbed me and trough me in the pool. I sunk to the bottom of the pool and thought I was dying. Someone had to dive in and find me and bring me up to the surface. I was shivering and crying loud. My parents were very angry with the man who did this. This experience left me terrified of any water. It affected my mind and when I was in junior and senior high, I always declined to go to swim parties. I knew those silly boys would throw me in. When I was in High School, I had a very good friend who had a pool at his house. He said, Betsy, I will teach you, just you and me. I went a number of times, but he could not even get me to put my head under water so I gave up. These panic attacks continued through college and marriage and we went to the shore on vacation, I would stay as far away from the ocean that I could. My husband had to take our son in the water. These attacks continued for years and I went to a number of therapists who did not seem to understand. One day I was reading my Bible and I thought, Maybe I should pray to Jesus about this, but I thought He would think this was a silly thing to pray for, but he didn’t. I had lost a lot of wait as back in those days there was no medication for such things, but slowly I and I do mean slowly started to do this and He helped me. He did not roll his eyes. He was very kind and His voice very smooth and wonderful. Finally, I noticed that I was not getting them anymore, but was still terrified of water. So now I am 78 years old and this decades of these attacks, I did not know how I survived, but it was Jesus and my Holy Spirit whispering in my ear and I have so much faith and trust in the Lord, I praised Him and always remembering to go to Him when things like this occurred. The love of God is so powerful and He can do anything as He has planned your journey before you were even in your Mother’s womb. I pray for all of you if you were involved in this snow and and this bone chilling cold for the next 7 days. Be so careful not to fall or do too much. Love to all of you who comment on the (in)courage devotions and community……………………Betsy Basile
I used to be afraid of flying. Then I learned that flying is statistically the safest way to travel!!!
Flying is safer than driving!
You put it into words perfectly.
So many people belittle the feelings and make it worse by making you silly for not controlling those fears. Thank you God for holding my hand.
Thank you Melissa. Beautifully written. When fear comes at me I am always reminded of God’s promise that He will never leave me nor forsake me. He is always with me. I speak the Word of God out loud and I experience the peace of God.
God bless you Melissa.
The best comforting article ever !
Melissa,
Loved this: Jesus rolls up His sleeves, He packs His carry-on, goes through security, and sits next to me on airplanes while I try to make it through to landing. And He does not disappear once my moment of need has passed. Instead, I am reminded in my moment of need that He was always there to begin with.
Speaking of first dates: my boyfriend asked me over to his house the night before Thanksgiving. As I was getting ready panic struck. What would happen? As I was driving past my apartment the song “God is in Control” came on radio. I yelled those words “God is in Control” & suddenly I felt at ease. No more panic. Just calm. BTW I married that man 22 years ago.
Blessings 🙂