Roughly three decades ago, my husband Darian and I heard a pastor say, “Expect nothing, be grateful for everything.” That phrase revolutionized our lives. It changed how we looked at people and the pressure we placed on them — often without them even knowing it.

It also removed the opportunity for us to be offended.

This phrase reminds me of Scriptures that teach it is more blessed to give than to receive (Acts 20:35), if you want to be first in God’s Kingdom, then you must be a servant of all (Mark 9:35), and forgive, and you will be forgiven (Matthew 6:14–15).

As we move into the holiday season, it’s easy to start placing expectations — some realistic, some unrealistic—on others. We expect them to show up, buy things, cook things, go places, and fulfill everything everyone else expects of them as well. Early in our marriage, Darian and I decided we would be the easy family members, the easy friends, the easy parents. However, that decision wasn’t easy to make. It meant we’d probably get the blow‑up bed in the basement, ride in the backseat, and not celebrate holidays the way we wanted or on the day we preferred. And yes, all of those things have happened over the years.

I’ll never forget the first Christmas after our oldest son, Taylor, got married. As a family of five, we had always done things a certain way. We had our own traditions. On Christmas morning, we’d wake up, find our stockings filled with random gifts and trinkets, enjoy a big breakfast, open the presents under the tree, watch a Christmas movie or play a game, and then eventually head over to Gma and Papa’s. But that year, everything changed. Taylor had a beautiful bride, Bailey, and together they were creating a new family dynamic. We had already talked with them earlier in the season, and we knew we wouldn’t be celebrating with them on Christmas Day.

The rest of us carried on with our traditions that morning, but one person was missing. My heart was sad. What about Christmas pictures? For the first time, I wouldn’t have all of my kids in a Christmas photo on Christmas Day. Yet I chose not to project that sadness onto my children. I didn’t want them to feel guilty. Wanting your family to feel bad about traditions is manipulation — and manipulation is selfishness at its core. Instead, the four of us made the best of it. It felt different, but no one felt guilty.

Later that afternoon, Taylor texted to say he and Bailey were going to stop by. They didn’t have to — I didn’t expect them to — but they did. Before they left, we all walked outside and took a family picture. I was incredibly grateful.

When expectations are removed, gratitude flows more freely. Entitlement and gratitude cannot live in the same house. Entitlement says, “I deserve.” Gratitude says, “I give.”

Every now and then, I come across that picture of the six of us. Each time, the same wave of gratitude washes over me. They didn’t have to come that day — but they did.

No one expressed this idea of gratitude better than the Apostle Paul: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:18 NIV). As children of God, we are called peacemakers (Matthew 5:9). Being a peacemaker often requires self‑control. It means telling ourselves “no,” and that rarely feels good in the moment — but the peace that comes always feels good. Expectations, guilt, manipulation, and judgment rob us of peace. They rob our families, our friends, and our holiday season.

This Christmas, when we say “Peace on earth, goodwill toward men,” remember: it won’t happen automatically. It happens because we choose to be peacemakers instead of peace‑takers. Because we choose gratitude instead of entitlement.

There have been other years and other holidays when I didn’t get what I wanted. Now all my kids are all grown with families of their own. Even though I haven’t always been able to celebrate how and when I wanted, I have always been able to celebrate with a house full of peace. 

Sacrificing expectations for a lifetime of peace produces a heart of gratitude. 

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