“We’ve been invited to a birthday party,” said my husband during our usual midday phone call. “It’s at 7 o’clock at the Mexican restaurant.”
My heart sank. Why a restaurant? I thought. I can’t handle restaurants. My husband continued, “They said we could ride with them. I think I want to go.”
I’m not sure if it was the idea of getting out of the house that enticed him or if he was simply hungry for Mexican food, but I could hear the eagerness in his voice. Finally, he asked, “Do you want to go?”
“I’ll let you know,” I said. It was all I could offer up in response.
What was I going to do? I didn’t want to disappoint my husband and I didn’t want to disappoint our friends, especially since we’ve “regretfully declined” so many of their previous invitations, for one reason or another. But, just as I began to entertain the idea of accepting the invitation, I sensed fear, anxiety, and insecurity begin to rise up within me.
- Fear questioned me — What if you can’t get in and out of their car?
- Anxiety taunted — Someone will have to help you stand up and that will be embarrassing for both you and your husband.
- Insecurity chimed in — Do you really want all those people watching you struggle with your cane as you walk through the restaurant?
Eventually, I told my husband to accept the invitation and attend the party himself. He declined it, however. Said he didn’t want to go without me. Though I appreciated his concern for me, this left me feeling guilty for, once again, succumbing to my fears and missing out on another opportunity to enjoy and live life.
This tends to be my mode of operation these days. When opportunities arise, I automatically withdraw. I decline invitations. I avoid public places. I shy away from people and I hide out at home where I feel safe and secure.
Many would say that I have good reason to be so withdrawn. After all, living with a muscle disease isn’t easy.
All my life, I’ve had to deal with the negative attention and ridicule that comes with having a physical disability and being different. I’ve had to come to grips with my physical limitations with the day-to-day activities of life, like climbing stairs, standing from a seated position, and simply walking across a room. I’ve had to accept the fact that some people don’t want me in their lives because of the uncomfortableness caused by my need for extra attention and assistance.
One would think, by now, I’d have it all figured out — that I’d know how to navigate the sea of negativity that surrounds the life of the physically disabled. One would think I’ve come to a place of not worrying about people staring or whispering behind my back. But as I grow older, and as my disease progresses with new challenges, I’m finding that my old companions — Fear, Anxiety, and Insecurity — have a stronger grip on my life than ever before.
Lying in bed the night of declining my friend’s birthday invitation, I became overwhelmed with feelings of hopelessness. I cried as I thought of my weakening body, my growing dependence on others, and my losing battle with fear and anxiety.
“I’m miserable, God!” I cried. “Is this what the rest of my life is going to be?”
In the midst of my sorrow, I heard God whisper, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
The world may laugh when I need assistance standing up from a seated position. The world may point when I struggle to climb a staircase. The world may stare and whisper behind my back when I clumsily walk through the room with my cane. But, in all of my weakness, God sees a vessel for His power and grace.
Yes . . . God’s power is made perfect in my weakness.
I know I will give in to my negative emotions, again. It’s inevitable. Still, I don’t have to give those negative emotions control. I don’t have to shy away from living. I don’t have to worry if I will be mocked by the world. I am a child of God and He does not intend for me to live a miserable life. God wants me to give my weaknesses to Him and allow Him to use them for His glory.
He wants that for you, too. We all have something that causes insecurity in our lives, something that makes us feel small or insignificant or even weak. But God has invited all of us to give those weaknesses over to Him — to live in His sufficient grace and to let His power be perfected in and through our lives.
And, friends? That’s one invitation I definitely don’t want to decline.
Thank you. I needed that encouragement! God is so good and kind to us carrying us through everything !! Thanks for showing me how my weaknesses can give Him a vessel to work through ! Praise God!
Bonnie, I’m grateful that the lessons learned along my journey can be an encouragement to you and others. Often, we feel alone in our struggles and believe that no one will understand. Oh, but God, can take every bit of our experience and allow it to be a healing balm, a calming reassurance and a message of grace to everyone around us – if we let Him! Thank you for reading and thank you for encouraging me with your comment. And, by the way, I’m so glad God chooses to use our weaknesses – most times, that’s all I have to offer!
Thank you for sharing. Can you share some “boots on the ground”, practical ways to stop the spirals of anxiety, shame and fear? Yet another back episode left me bedridden this past weekend and I’m really struggling to find hope.
Mary, I am sorry to hear of your physical struggles and I am praying for God’s healing touch. When we are down, it is so easy to let Anxiety, Fear, Insecurity and Shame defeat us. Focusing on our struggles puts us at a disadvantage in the fight BUT… there is one thing of which I am certain, God is greater than our anxiety, fear, insecurity and shame and HE is fighting for us! That being said, the main thing I try to do when I am crippled by these foes is shift my focus. I stop looking at the things that are wrong and negative, the things that cause me concern, the worries and sadness, and I start looking for the things that make me smile. Believe it or not, there is always a reason to smile. I even challenged myself one year to find a reason to smile every day and write about it. You can find my “Year of Smiles” on my personal blog, if you’re interested. It wasn’t easy! Some are silly, some are surprising and some are even a bit of a stretch – the search for smiles can be difficult! But the challenge to find the good, the little joys, the moments of happiness help shift my focus from the boisterous waves of anxiety, fear and insecurity to the Giver of Joy, Hope and Peace. It also allowed me to quit dwelling on my own problems and begin to reach out and offer help to others. I hope this helps. And if you get down again (as I mentioned in my post above, it is inevitable), send me a message (my Facebook link is above) and I’ll do my best to share one of my smiles with you!
Thank you so much for praying. I’m seeing a “God spot” here: I love smiles & smiley faces. Thank you for the reminder to search for the smile. When you’re deep in pain, fear, anxiety or all if these, it can be all too easy to lose sight of the simple things that lift the heart.
I have a daily journal and I am going to start intentionally looking for adding the smiles that I see.
I can’t wait to see what how God uses the “search for smiles” in your life! Keep me posted!!!
KJ, I could not help think about Jesus and how He was mocked. I could not help but think about all the times I have refused invitations for various reasons that trigger my anxiety. Aging hasn’t made things a lot better but it has given me the courage with God’s help to face the challenges, not be so hard on myself and to say “yes.” After all, I am a child of God made in God’s image. I am a beloved daughter of God. It isn’t easy to remember at times but I try. I appreciate your honesty. Thank you.
Madeline, thank you for reminding me I am a child of God and I am fearfully and wonderfully made!! I’ve had to be reminded of this so many times in my life and now that aging has decided to “enhance” my physical disability, I need the reminder even more. I am waiting for the boldness that comes with getting older to kick in. I want to be the little old lady that lives life to the fullest without a care in the world. 😉 Until then, I’m relying on the Grace of my Heavenly Father!!
Thank you for sharing so candidly. It made me feel ashamed because I don’t have that disability as you do and yet I struggle with anxiety especially lately. God bless you. And thank you for reminding us how God goes with us and before us and He has our back!
God is always with us, Sharon! He walks beside us on our journey and when we’ve lost our strength, He carries us. Thank goodness because I can’t make it through this life without Him. And please don’t feel ashamed. Each person struggling with anxiety has very different experiences. I will be praying that you feel God’s presence all around you and I ask that you do the same for me.
Thank you for sharing. May God continue to bless you, as you bless others…your post today is inspiring and encouraging. And dealing with anxiety and depression my whole adult life has held me captive so many times. I must remember that indeed God’s strength is perfected in my weaknesses.
Thank you for the encouragement, Kathy! It is hard for me to tell my story and share my vulnerabilities. But I am trusting that God will use it to not only inspire others to share or encourage them on their journey but to also strengthen my faith in Him.
My sister lost her life to ALS. Although her struggle was shorter, her challenges were very much the same. I pray you find peace. I pray you find people that love you and support you and want to spend precious time with you. I pray you find comfort and courage in God’s love.
I am so sorry for your loss, Laurie. Thank you for sharing with me. And thank you for your prayers – especially your prayer for finding people that want to spend time with me. I feel like I push so many people away – not because I don’t want to be around them but because I let my insecurities with my disability take over. I know if God brings the right people into my life, none of that will matter. Thank you, again.
K.J.
Thank you for sharing… my dad struggled with movement issues… It just makes life harder. I’m so sorry you have to face this.
With Love,
Lisa Wilt
Thank you for your kinds words, Lisa. I’m sorry that your dad had to struggle with similar issues. It does make life much harder but I remind myself that there are so many others that have it worse than I. And I do my best to hang on to God’s promise that He is working all of this for my good and His glory.
As I was reading your devotional I wanted to come alongside you & tell you it’s okay to struggle in public. I think there are more compassionate people out there than you may realize. I recently had major back surgery & for months I needed to use a walker along with a back brace. I felt very self conscience going out & my husband would take me to our local park to walk around to regain my strength. One day there was a fair going on with all sort of booths & lots of people. I felt I wanted to go back home or go somewhere else where I could walk. We live in a very hilly place in Central CA so the park was flat. Jerry encouraged me to try & you know what? People were so courteous & moved out of my way giving me the space with this walker to get through. I really want to encourage you to accept invitations those who are inviting you know your limitations & want to show you love & spend time with you. Also, do it for your husband to bless him as I’m sure he blesses you in so many ways.
I’d love to sit down with you for coffee & just chat! The Lord loves you so much KJ & wants you to enjoy life as He’s blessed you with each day along with it’s challenges.
One funny moment coming home from my surgery which was 2 hours away in Santa Barbara. We stopped at a Chick-fillet & I needed to use the restroom but not able to bend very easily & didn’t have my walker at that time. My husband asked at the counter if we could use a restroom where he could help me. Boy was that embarrassing for me! Mostly all young workers! They were so compassionate & what do you know they cleared out the MEN’S restroom & I had the entire bathroom to myself with my husband’s help. I can laugh now but believe me back then it was very humbling. Coming out of the restroom with a young man waiting to go in!
Sending you a big hug & hope this helped!
Barbara, thank you for sharing your experiences with me and for encouraging me to say “yes” to more invitations. I know God wants me to live an abundant life and there are some wonderful people out there who will not judge, who will help and be courteous. But I have also come across those who are the complete opposite. These meetings are never fun! God loves them, though, and if God has shown me grace, I need to pass that grace along – it can be a challenge! 😉 I am very much an introvert but I do have people in my life that love and support me. God has blessed me tremendously and I know that He will help me conquer this anxiety and insecurity over my progressing disability.
And by the way, I’d love to take you up on that coffee and chat! 🙂
Dear K.J……………………………….I cried as I read your words today as I have gone through so many things similar to you in my life of 77 years. When I was 3 years old, my parents sent me for swimming lessons. As I was waiting for the lesson to start, some man picked me up and threw me into the pool. I sunk to the bottom not knowing what to do at my age. Some other nice man jumped into the pool and pulled me up and comforted me. I was terrified. K.J. , this has affected me my whole life, I am terrified by water, never learned to swim and when I was in my teens when swimming parties were popular, I always had an excuse why I couldn’t go. I knew one of the boys would think it would be funny to throw me in. Another one, when I was in 1st grade, the teacher told me I had to switch from being left handed to being right handed. I couldn’t do it and she would hit me constantly with a ruler that made me cry. Finally, I told my parents about it and they went right to the school and told them to stop this. It was the 50’s and I don’t know what was wrong being left-handed, but this too affected me in a very negative way. I started to pee on the floor before I went to writing classes. I was so embarrassed and then had “panic attacks” which no body had heard about in the 50’s, but they continued to attack me until my 30’s. I was then put on medication and in time, I have not had them any more. Thank God for that. Now at my age, I have problems with my knees, my shoulders and my feet. If I can even do stairs, I have to go down backwards. I walk with a cane and I just started PT again to see if my joints and my core muscles can be helped to be stronger. Your story just reminds me so much of yours in a different era, but I know about making excuses to not go somewhere as I don’t want people to see me this way. I will pray for you K.J. and I pray for myself and others constantly when they struggle to do things. As I grow older, it is, for me, a much more difficult thing to deal with, but Jesus helps me and my Holy Spirit is always here to remind me that I am loved. I know that, but when you have gone through these situations all your life, sometimes you feel like you will never improve and since I had to divorce my husband as he has the violent type of dementia and tried to kill me, I had no choice and now I have no one as my 1 child, a 54 year old son has disowned me as his mother as he said nothing was wrong with his father and he and his wife would never allow me to see or talk to at that time 11 year old grandson and this year he will be 15. I am trying to wait patiently to see if God can do something to reconnect me at least with my grandson. My son was not raised by my husband and I to be this way. Until he got married, he was a very wonderful son, but his wife hates her mother so what chance did I have as the Mother-in-law? I will pray for you every day and God will take care of us if we can just be patient. Love, Betsy
Betsy, I am sorry to hear of all your struggles but I am glad to hear that God has brought you through so many. If He’s done it before, surely He will do it again! I cling to this hope. I appreciate you sharing your life with me. It’s amazing how our anxieties develop differently and affect us differently but we can all understand the seriousness of having to deal with it daily. I will be praying that God brings peace into your life, that He brings restoration in the relationship with your son and grandson and that He strengthens your body through your PT sessions. I know, first hand, the benefits of PT. God can do great and mighty things and I believe that He is not finished with you! Keep praying over your son. Keep praying over your anxiety and Keep praying over your physical health. I will keep praying, too!
Thank you for your honesty and telling us about your struggles. As a woman who developed a physical issue where I had to stop driving and use a cane, I too have anxiety and find myself wanting to stay home more. I retired last year after a 31 year career in law enforcement where I daily spoke to people and was an outgoing person. So am wanting to keep from withdrawing into myself. Thanks for your post and look forward to more. I also follow Katherine Wolf’s Good Hard Story podcast and have her books.
Kim, thank you for your comments. Walking with a cane was a big decision for me. I probably needed it much sooner than I decided to use it but I did not want to deal with the stares or the questions or the crazy comments. It is a struggle learning how to get out of the car – especially when it is raining. Purse, cane, lunch bag and umbrella. I usually just end up getting soaked! I’ve learned to adapt so many times in my life in order to do things that my body couldn’t do “normally”; I’m sure I can learn to adapt again! One thing’s for sure, I can’t do any of it without God! And thank you for the info on the Katherine Wolf podcast – I will definitely check that out.
This is a great blog about being a vessel of GOD no matter our limitations…Thank you K.J. for the reminders and for your truths…!!!
Thank you, Lydia, for your encouraging comments!
Thanks for your transparency and honesty. My father has MS. This devotional helped me to understand what it might be like for him, so thank you.
Jaime, this was a difficult post for me. I’m not usually so open with my feelings about this but I felt like I should share. In fact, I think I needed to share. I’m praying that my struggles and how God is carrying me through these struggles will help someone else who may be facing something similar. I will be praying for your father and I will be praying for you.
As someone diagnosed with chronic illness, I understand these words deep down in my bones. We are thankful for your words and your witness, K.J. — keep showing up with your story!
Thank you for the encouragement, Rachel. This was not an easy post for me but I felt compelled to write it. I am grateful for the opportunity to share how God is working through me and I am giving Him all the glory!!