I had it all memorized — the way some people memorize favorite songs, Bible verses, or math facts. That’s how I had my town memorized — by heart. I knew which sidewalk bulges could derail a Schwinn bike. I knew shortcuts through alleyways; funny bluish hairdos of hunched old ladies at church; the smell of the Farmer’s Co-op break room, which reeked of dust and cigarettes.
If I close my eyes, I can see it. Even more, I can feel it.
I’m five years old, pressing fingers into hot, bubbling road-tar in July. I’m eight, gripping the creaking, cool chains of swings at our town’s only playground. I’m twelve, diving deep into the depths of our town’s inky pond, flutter-kicking all the way to the bottom to grab handfuls of cold mud.
When you live in one town — one house — for your entire growing-up life, you can’t help but memorize every last inch of a place. In a town like that, your own self is everywhere long after you leave — on every street, library table, and ball field dugout.
I knew the place and the people, and they knew me. And that’s how I knew I had a secure place in this world.
For most of my childhood life, one woman, Kathy, cut my hair. Another woman, Marge, delivered my café cheeseburgers. One suited man, Harry, stood at the doorway of the Sliefert Funeral Chapel in town. He greeted us with soft pats on our backs, because he knew we were nervous about seeing another old church friend in a casket.
I knew where a lot of them would be buried years before they died. That’s because they had their gravestones set in place early — with blank spaces where a death date could be etched.
All that sameness might give some people a case of chronic itchy feet.
Me? I liked the stability. Sure, I had dreams of moving on. And I did move on. But no matter where I was, I wanted to know I belonged, like I did back home.
I confess this: As a child, I naively thought that most people lived like me — in one house, with stability and security. Of course, that’s not true.
Over the years, I’ve befriended women with very different stories that were downright unpredictable. I have asked them, “How did you find stability and security in life, even when things seemed to always be changing?” One friend told me she moved ten times before she was ten years old. “Stability came for me from two things. Dinner together every night (often by candlelight) and a father who always came home at the end of the day.” Another wrote that she had “nothing at all” stable in her own home. She found stability at the dinner tables of friends’ families. A woman who lived in foster care recalled how she was allowed to tape photos of her loved ones across the bedroom walls. It made her feel at home.
All of that, I think, reveals how we want a safe place in this world, in times of upheaval. Even more, we want to know we have a forever place. We long for heaven. It’s built into us, right into our hearts. In Ecclesiastes, Solomon writes: “He has planted eternity in the human heart” (Ecclesiastes 3:11).
The older I get, the more I see it. The only unchangeable thing in life is this: God. “I am the Lord, and I do not change” (Malachi 3:6).
About a dozen years ago, our family began to attend a country church near our home. I learned a contemporary hymn, “I Was There to Hear Your Borning Cry,” often sung at funerals. Whenever I think of the song, my mind is flooded with memories of sad goodbyes. But it also reminds me of God’s with-ness, from the very beginning of life to the final moment. The song’s verses move from a person’s first “borning cry,” to baptism, to a life unfolding, to a wandering off “where demons dwell.” The song calls to remembrance how God is with us in the middle ages of life, how He guides us through the night, and finally how He is there with “one more surprise”: life eternal with God.
Until we reach that moment of surprise, we naturally reach out to find some kind of stability wherever we are — maybe at a dinner table, with a group of friends, in a church singing the hymns that make you sad/happy.
Or by revisiting the memorized streets of your own hometown.
Recently, I went back to that town. I walked along the bulging sidewalks. I visited the pond. I returned to the swings, hoping to fly once more, to feel that sensation of swinging higher still.
But when I turned the corner, I saw it: my swings were gone. The whole swing set had been dismantled. Even the little things that change can cause a twinge in one’s heart, a longing, and a quiet reminder that there’s only one thing — one Person — who will never, ever change.
Donna says
In the good things. Scuffy the Tugboat, swimming in the gulf, my own backyard, friends up the street. Christmas, birthdays and Easter. “He’s Got the Whole World in His Hands.” Thank you.
Jennifer Dukes Lee says
Swimming in the gulf! Oh, I can’t even imagine. How delightful!
Dova says
If it wasn’t for God I would never know the meaning of true stability and what a blanket of security feels like as I’m covering myself just trying to feel the same love I give to others but I suppose that’s the problem I am looking in all the wrong places I can only feel the same but better love from only one person and we all know who that is…
My King,
My Savior
My God
Jennifer Dukes Lee says
May you feel Jesus’ love wrapping around you like that blanket of security this week, Dova. Thanks for sharing your heart with us.
Dawn Ferguson-Little says
Jennifer thank you for sharing your heart. This world if we look at and the way things are happening. Like floods landslides and fires etc. Plus people in Afghanistan. Especially the Mother I heard this on the news from were I live in Enniskillen Co.Fermanagh. N.Ireland it broke my heart. I have not kids. But was a Childminder for 19 years. Not brave enough to give birth. To hear of Mother having to sell their babies to feed themselves and their older kids and their Husbands. I have ever since I heard that went into prayer for it. One Mother said on the news. She can’t get said. I said how can you not. You conceived that baby in your womb then after nine months gave birth to it. That baby when it is able to walk. They pay more if a girl. The person that the Mother has sold it too. Comes and takes the baby. Then when old enough if a girl is put into arranged Marriage. That we dumbling from birth has got to know it Dad and older brothers and sisters. Plus it’s Mother. Until it is able to walk. Then to be taken away by a stranger that bought it. That we dumbling is bound to be scared. Then when the right age in the person eyes especially if a girl it is put into arranged Marriage. That we dumbling Marring someone. It doesn’t know. It may not have good life. Or it could have good life. That we dumbling when it get big if ever finds out what it’s Mother done to feed herself and her Husband and the older kids. If ever sees it’s birth Mum again. May never forgive what it’s Mother done. All for food. Especially if not treated right. If gets to see it birth Mother again. That is so sad. It broke my heart. I go into pray for God to do something that Mother will not have to sell their babies for food. Food will be provided from somewhere. How can that Mother not be sad? This is were we all need God. Especially in theses times we live in. As all things are temporal in this world. People loosing Loves because of the floods and fires. Plus people dying for no reason. We have to get into prayer and especially if saved. Trust God for everything. That one day he will not let all this evil happen to anyone. Because of people. People living scared for themselves and their families. We as God’s people have to be people who live as Jesus did when on earth. No matter what evil going on in it. Or people dying because of fires floods and people from babies to Adults being killed for no reason. Show there is hope. There are people who are willing to show the Love of Jesus to a world that needs Jesus. As he is are only hope and people’s only hope. So we have to be the hands and feet of Jesus to a world that needs to know him especially if not saved. There are other things as well that go on in our world that are wrong and evil. So we have to show we are different. That we care like Jesus do what it says in Ephesians 4 verse 32. “And be kind to one another tenderhearted forgiving one another as God in Christ forgave you when you got saved. That means also forgiving people who do evil in our world and Praying for them. Plus being kind to everyone. Like Jesus was when he was on earth. Being the hands and feet of Jesus. Showing his love to everyone and helping those in need. Then if not saved they might see hopefully will see Jesus in us and want what we have. That is to know him as their saviour too. God can especially if saved help us to do that through his word the Bible and Prayer. Thank you again Jennifer for what you shared. So true everything you said. Keeping you all incourage in my prayers. Love Dawn Ferguson-Little
Jennifer Dukes Lee says
Thank you for sharing your heart, Dawn. We also want you to know that we appreciate your prayers, both personally and also for (in)courage as a whole. Grateful.
Dawn Ferguson-Little says
Thank you Jennifer. I love to pray for you all it give me great pleasure. Might not get to see you all incourage this side of earth. But I will see you all in glory one day. We have some chats then. Get to meet either in person. Along with Jesus. What a day that will be. Thank you Jennifer for your kind words. You have touched my heart alot. Love big big hugs and God Bless all the way from the other side of the world. In Enniskillen Co.Fermanagh. N.Ireland. Dawn Ferguson-Little xx
Dawn Ferguson-Little says
Sorry for my mistake. It should say one Mother said she can’t get sad. Love Dawn xx
Ck says
I too grew up with the safe, familiar, stable and secure. Protected, covered, and with a safety net always beneath me. Wonderful to be sure.
However, all of that background and upbringing can unexpectedly serve to jolt a person to their core when “reality” hits. Also, it can make dependence upon God harder.
Our human cocoon seems like the very best of circumstances but it can backfire when the stuff of life hits, and we don’t know how to handle it.
I am grateful for the tremendous love and support and insulation I had, much like what you describe in your post, but in some ways it rendered me weak when harshness arrived. I wouldn’t trade those years for anything, yet I know they should have been balanced and tempered with the fact that “only God” doesn’t change, as you so correctly stated. Thank you.
Jennifer Dukes Lee says
Ck, thank you for these poignant thoughts. I agree, that our familiar/secure existence can render us weak when harshness arrives. I appreciate you so much.
Beth Williams says
Jennifer,
I long to have an upbringing like that. To have a place to call home. We moved 5 times in 7 years thanks to dad changing jobs. The stability I had was God. He was there with me. Even when I wandered off a bit. Attending church & getting involved-but not living it outside in the world. I get jealous watching the show “Home Town”. Erin Napier has lived in Laurel Mississippi her entire life. They renovate homes, have signs painted on buildings all in an effort to revitalize this once vibrant mill town.
In this time of upheaval & change God is our constant. We can depend on Him to be with us through it all. Any change or trials that come our way-we can trust that He is walking with us making a path for us. So when life throws you curve balls just pray & talk to God. He is there waiting & watching. The one thing that will never ever change.
Blessings 🙂
Jennifer Dukes Lee says
I just bought Erin’s book! I am excited to learn more about her life. And I love what you said, Beth, about God walking with us, making a path for us. Thank you for that reminder.
Donna Valeri says
I found stability in school. My home life was horrible, a father who was a pedophile and monster and a mother who chose not to “see” the beatings and worse….The nuns in the Catholic school we attended were my stability, although we could never speak about the horrors of our home to them or anyone. While other kids were celebrating on the last day of school each year, I was in tears because there would be no reprieve during the summer months. I still have a fondness and gratitude for nuns; with them I felt safe.
Jennifer Dukes Lee says
Oh Donna, this is truly horrific and heartbreaking. I am glad that you had the nuns, but sad that you were never able to speak to them about what you were going through at home. I am truly so sorry.
Lorilee Mundfrom says
Mom and Dad were always there! Our little country school was on the corner of two gravel roads. Then we moved to a small town in Northern Minnesota. My parents were still with me. I gained lots of elderly friends as Mom and Dad bought a nursing home. I also gained friends because of school. Two are still living and still good friends. God provided me with wonderful people in my life for which I thank Him!