My 15-year-old got in the car after another late soccer practice. Under the glow of the parking lot lights, I could see his red cheeks and sweat dripping down the back of his neck. Carting my sons around to various practices and sporting events can feel like a Groundhog Day-esque experience — same drill, different day — but something about this night landed differently.
I looked at my firstborn and was undone with awe at the remarkable person he has become. So very handsome and smart and strong. Hardworking, respectful, and fun. I love the way he jokes with me and also shows affection. (Teenagers who hug their mamas are a treasure!) I could say the same thing about my other two boys.
Turning on the main boulevard toward home, I started to cry.
Tears flooded my cheeks, not just at the wonder of being a mom and watching babies grow into young men who I love (and also really like); I cried because my dad never got to see it.
It was my father’s birthday, the fourteenth he’s celebrated in heaven instead of having lemon meringue pie at Marie Calendar’s or garlic bread and extra meat sauce at Vince’s Spaghetti. I thought about my dad all day. Missed him. Wished I could see him. But after many years, the once intense grief now felt more like a gentle longing — until Noah got in the car.
Suddenly a new dimension of loss erupted like a long-dormant volcano.
It wasn’t just that my dad had missed out on more than a decade of holidays and baseball games, graduations, milestone birthdays, and competitive card games. I was keenly aware of how he’d missed out on knowing us.
And isn’t that our deepest longing? To be known?
My two oldest boys have grown in stature since their grandfather’s passing, from babes in diapers to muscular bodies that tower over me. (My youngest wasn’t even born yet.) But they’ve also grown leaps and bounds in personhood. Jude with his witty sense of humor and tender heart for Jesus. Elias with his endless words and entrepreneurial spirit. Noah with his quiet grit and excellence in all he does. And their Grandpa Ralph has missed all of it.
Then the ache went deeper. Not only are my sons growing and changing day by day, but so am I. I’m a different person than I was fourteen years ago. If only I could relate to my dad from the place of healing and groundedness in Jesus that I now live in. If only my dad could see how 28-year-old Becky was just a shadow of who 42-year-old Becky would become. If only we hadn’t missed out on so much time together…
I poured out all my sorrow to Jesus. Then He said to my spirit, You’re not missing out. You’re just waiting.
With that, peace and joy flooded my heart — not erasing my grief but coloring it with fresh hope for the family reunion awaiting me. A time when all the tension and turmoil that clouded my relationship with my dad will be replaced by wholeness and perfect love. A time when grandsons and grandpa will know and appreciate the fullness of who God created them each to be. A time when hours and months and years will never feel lost or wasted, only enjoyed and redeemed.
Heaven is not a fairytale ending that only exists in storybooks or a man-made silver lining. Heaven is real. Fixing our hope on the restoration to come completely changes our experience in the waiting.
Paul writes, “For we have heard of your faith in Christ Jesus and your love for all of God’s people, which come from your confident hope of what God has reserved for you in heaven” (Colossians 1:4-5 NLT).
Do you have confident hope for what God is storing up for you in heaven?
Later in his letter, Paul affirms the importance of keeping the truth of heaven in the forefront of our minds:
“Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits in the place of honor at God’s right hand. Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth. For you died to this life, and your real life is hidden with Christ in God.”
Colossians 3:1-3
Our real life is not the one here on earth, marred by loss and brokenness. Our real life is the one to come!
What grief weighs heavy on your heart today? What do you feel like you’re missing out on? What has your soul groaning, “It’s not supposed to be this way?” Tell Jesus about it. Tell Him everything that makes you sad and achy and wish it would be different. Then open your heart to receive what He wants you to know about it.
When we think about the things of heaven, our waiting is weighted with joyful expectancy.
One day my family will be reunited and restored. One day we will truly know and be known by my dad.
Thankfully we don’t have to wait for that to be true with our Heavenly Father. He already sees my children, pursues time with them, and delights in who they are becoming. The Father already knows me fully, loves me perfectly, and works all things together for my good.
We never have to wait for that to be true.
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Thank you for this today.
As a 67 year old mum with a high functioning Autistic son of 38, I miss my dad’s love and guidance especially as we struggled over the last 30 years with supporting my son.
Thank you for reaching into my heart by the Holy Spirit.
Love
Nicky
Xxx
Nicky, oh the ache is real. My heart goes out to you. God sees the long road you’ve journeyed and every pothole and roadblock and uphill struggle. And He’s never left your side. Praying you feel His heavenly joy and sustaining strength today.
Thank you for this timely message. We live in Central Texas and just spent a week in South Florida with our four month old granddaughter. I am aching from the thought of missing out on so much time with her due to the distance. Praying for God’s direction and comfort as we acclimate to this new part of our lives.
Becky,
Your devotion hit home as this is my father’s first heavenly birthday. If you were still on her, he would be 87! Every time our family gets together, we remember him by toasting donut holes like you’d raise your glass and memory… He loved donuts.
Sending you autumn joy,
Lisa Wilt
Lisa – I love that your family honors your Dad with donut holes! What a blessing for you and your family!
Hope that tradition is carried to the next generation of your Dad’s offspring.
My sister has been gone a long time. 20 yrs! I see her spirit each time I see a crescent moon. I’m sad every time I think of her oldest daughter Jordan who struggles in her life and choices and parenting and Taylor who has her struggles too, but takes on life more boldly and more balanced.
I know Jayne is no longer sick. I know she among a group of heavenly cancer free women watching over us waiting for the day we will again hug xoxoxo \0/
Janet – I am sorry for your loss and for the struggles you all face without your sister. May you all feel her presence in the little blessings throughout the day.
Geralyn
Good Morning Becky………So great to see that you wrote the devotion for today. This season with all the holidays or I should say “They are Holy Days”. I have so many days of grief for a lot of things, but the first one was really crushing at my tender age of 22 with a 1 year old son. My 58 year old father was very ill with cancer and Christmas Day was the last day he could get up out of bed. he looked so different from what the cancer had done to him that his grandson was afraid of him and wouldn’t get near him. Of course, he didn’t understand but the rest of us did. He died on New Year’s Eve Day at 10am. None of us knew what to say to the other and my Mother just collapsed. I called the doctor and he sent a prescription for me to pick up. The one thing I do remember about the day after Christmas, I could stand around his bed, but then I just couldn’t stay there and I went downstairs to pray. My Mother told me that Daddy had said to her “Is Betsy afraid”? my mother said yes and he said “Tell her I am not.” We were a religious family and after my father died I knew deep in my heart that he had gone to heaven and was in a much better place, but it did not negate me from just crying and surprisingly enough, I though just what you described in your devotion. My son will never know his wonderful Grandfather and my father will miss all the wonderful gatherings we had at each holiday. As time went by one by one my beloved relatives left the Earth for Heaven until there was no one left and all of us nieces and nephews just didn’t continue these things without them. I know that was a mistake now, but at the time, none of us could do it as we all just felt, it would not work without them. Becky, thank you for reminding me that our real life will be in Heaven. Honestly, I never thought about it that way. You may remember my post on several devotions as my husband, now ex has dementia and he came very close to killing me. Aron (my son) also called me and told me I am a liar and he no longer considered me his Mother (He was 52 years old at the time) and he continued to tell me I would never ever be able to see or talk to my 12 year old grandson (Carter), ever again and he hung up. That part was over 2 years ago and the ONLY communication was an email I got from him about a month ago where he said I was a drug addict and no wonder I was such an awful person. My ex does not know what he is telling Aron who believes what Jim says, but not the truth that I tried to tell him over the years. Aron’s wife has mental problems and she hated me even before they got engaged. I did find out that she told him after Jim was diagnosed with this form of dementia. Your father is not going to live with us in the shape he is in. Get rid of him and as far as your mother goes, you have a decision to make. It’s either her or me. I’m sure you know who won that one. Mothers don’t do certain things with their sons so I don’t know if this is how Aron changed from a loving, generous , caring son for all the years he lived at home with us. As soon as he got married, I watched him change little by little. This is my second holiday season by myself. I have a family alive but those 2 have shoved me away and I can’t imagine what they have been telling Carter these past 2 years. I loved that little boy since he was born and he loved me too. I have to keep praying that maybe Jesus can whisper in his ear that maybe what he has been told is not true. The last thing and I am sorry I have gone on so long is Aron was brought up in the church, but he hated it and when he went away to college and we were not there to tell him to get up for church, he totally stopped and did not even get married in a church, never got Carter baptized or took him to church so he does not even know what faith or God or Jesus are. This also crushes me as to me at 77, I have been in the same church for 70 years and Baptism and Holy communion have always been very important to me. Thank you Becky. I will continue to read your devotion every day and I think it will help me a lot. I wish you a wonderful Thanksgiving and Christmas and if it is OK, I love you for what all you women do to help us to remember what we have forgotten over the years. I believe that all of you are Angels sent to us by God as a sign that things will be OK and maybe not match the plan we wanted, but God’s plan will be much better……………Betsy
Dearest Betsy, I am praying for you, for your son and grandson to know the truth of Christ Jesus and love Him and you! May the Lord comfort you, encourage your heart and be the Lifter of your head! May the Lord give you the deep longings of your ❤️
Becky thank you for what you wrote today. I don’t know if I will when I leave earth one day to go to my home in heaven like you one day. See my Mother there as I did pray for her Salvation. My Mum knew that. But she was the type of person like my Dad who is alive. You can tell them they need Jesus to get into Heaven. But if you said anything else about how important it is to be saved and have a relationship with God. My Mum she give that look you knew not to say to much expect that you are praying for her. Leave it at that as she say don’t preach to me along with other things. My Dad that still alive at 83. Is living his life his way. Only goes to Church when asked or if someone died etc. He has got this thing in head when you die your nothing. I told him as he is easier to talk to. That I am praying for his Salvation and you can get into Heaven unless saved. But I told my Dad in a nice way people think when they die they will get to Heaven right away. They can go on living the way they are not giving God as second thought. I don’t say to much as my Dad just laughes and says something like this good you believe that and your praying for me. But you know he not interested in if I am praying for his Salvation and what I told him about you need to know Jesus as your Saviour to get into Heaven. When you leave this earth. So all I could do for my late Mum was keep on praying for her living my life for Jesus Infront of her. I do the same for my Dad. But I don’t know who told me this or was it Jesus. I think I have some Family in Heaven with Jesus I know I have friends in Heaven who were saved. I know one day those that were saved not here on earth anymore. I will see them in Heaven one day when I leave earth to go to be with Jesus. I pray for all my Families and their Families too for their Salvation as none saved. This is so true as I said I don’t know if someone told me this or if Jesus did. When they die the people you know and Family. Yes you may miss them on earth. But you have good memories of days and times together keep that in your heart. You have not lost all with those that were saved. You will see them again in Heaven. So looked forward to that. I do that. So I am not missing out as I will see those saved again. I look forward to that. I pray for my Families and their Families. Plus my elderly Dad who is 83 his Salvation. I will never stop praying for them. I think of that song as write this comment. As Heaven is real. “When we all get to Heaven what a glorious day that will be” Yes it will for all saved. I say Amen to that. Love Dawn Ferguson-Little Enniskillen Co.Fermanagh N.Ireland in my prayers all incourage