I hold my phone in my right hand, open the messaging app, read the latest message, watch it fade to a black screen, and then open it to read the message again. And again. They aren’t coming, I say to myself. You should have known something would come up, I think.
Plans changing is nothing new. However valid and “this is life” the reasons stack up to be, it never seems to get easier. After our collective years of cancellation, isolation, plans put on hold throughout lock-downs, illness, and all of the long-ranging consequences of the pandemic that we’re still living through, it’s easy to think we’ve all become used to holding plans loosely . . . maybe even relationships, too.
I tell my husband the latest update on our plans and make sure to not make eye contact so I can push away the ache that’s trying to find its voice under my skin. I find myself thinking, This shouldn’t be so surprising – you should be used to this by now.
A health issue is the reason for canceling, so I’m embarrassed to have my own feelings about it all. I feel selfish for feeling these feelings while thinking I should care more about the reason and how it impacts this person I love. So I follow my “should” into worry, and spend hours researching medical websites, whys, and hows. I copy and paste and make a list in my notes app for further research. I avoid my feelings by staring and clicking and scrolling — searching for any possible way to make what’s unfolded fold back up again like it was supposed to be.
The thing is, we aren’t supposed to be used to disappointment, pain, and hurt. What “used to it by now” really means is a tender heart that’s lost some of its tenderness.
I love talking about staying tender until the work of it feels too much and I realize tenderness in our world isn’t just pretty flower petals and all things soft and lovely. It is work that can be painful and it will always leave us vulnerable. Sometimes we lose a petal in the process.
Tenderness is a messy risk, but the alternative is much more destructive in the long run.
After days of explaining the unavoidable away, I’m ready to say it out loud: this sucks. I’m disappointed. I’m worried for the person I love and I’m angry for the loss of time with them again.
I tell my husband how sad I feel. I text a friend and ask for prayer. And it’s in the honesty and the untying of forced tidy bows, that I begin to feel my heart beating again.
I make my own proverb in the pain of feeling everything I feel without judgment: A hard heart leads to death, and a soft, tender heart leads to life.
And in the midst of this kind of honesty, I find Jesus, right there with me, reminding me that He is a man who wept for His friends, who knows what it feels like to lose a friend, to be betrayed and questioned, thought of as less than He was, to be left alone in the dark, to be looked down upon, and to wish things were different than they were. Jesus didn’t make a list of feelings and which ones were worthy of being expressed. He felt. He expressed His feelings.
I remember that God is a God of feelings and heart, and He doesn’t despise my feelings or speak to my tenderness with “shoulds” like I still do. I remember that He is tenderhearted and I find deep comfort in a God whose heart is soft and alive – a wide enough space of welcome for all of my aches and feelings to safely land. A wide and tender space of welcome for all of your feelings too.
So touching and true. Thank you
Carmel (living in Ireland )
You are so welcome. 🙂
Thank you for sharing your heart on this issue. I experienced exactly the same thing this week and also feel my heart is closing to the one who consistently doesn’t have time to spend with me. It is especially hard when it is someone you have poured your heart into over many years and the seemingly one way friendship is taking its toll. I do think things are worse since Covid. I guess the lesson I can learn from this is not to be so quick myself to cancel plans made with a friend, as there is an underlying message that is conveyed, especially if the plans are not quickly rescheduled. It feels like “you are not that important” or “I don’t value our friendship” or “I can grab a quick cup of coffee, but don’t ask me to share my life with you”. You have inspired me to guard my heart and pray over this so I will not slam the door on this dear person.
I’m sorry for your disappointment, Rosie. Thank you for considering your heart and keeping it open to Jesus.
This is a morning of wanting to be more tender toward all “Mothers” and how we navigate motherhood vs. our jobs, our health, our Christian Journey, our communities, our personal finances and our school reunions.
I hide from a lot of activities. Sometimes Rheumatoid Arthritis is my excuse (and I feel the pain). And other times, I hide from the toll the years have taken on my body.
You get ( “1” ) Life from our Creator, please choose to live it well and love your family and friends. No two people are alike, not even identical twins. It’s okay to agree to disagree.
I’m not proud of my regrets from growing up in the South. My Grandmother made it seem like we were the average all American African Family. I didn’t know we were “working poor people” and I am thankful now that I didn’t know about that category of the population growing up.
We can find ourselves ashamed of our names, how our parents act, the family car, our clothes, our neighborhood, our school, and our grades. It is sad to think that I probably felt that way at some time or another growing up. I was a stutterer so if I was asked any questions about anything, it would take way too long to get my answers. Now I was ashamed of how I talked (stuttering is time consuming, it hurts your throat, and a knot gets in your stomach and you even start to perspire).
I think rejection feels like stuttering to me. Even from day to day when I can’t seem to settle down in my emotions and pause to tell my “inner woman” that God is your Creator !
He Know Everything and you don’t have the ability to change anything by becoming overwhelmed. Now, Praise God for Who He Is. Praise His Holy Name. Quote Bible Verses that remind you that God will never leave you or forsake you. In Zephaniah, He Sings to me and calms me. In the Book of Psalms, He is my Shepherd and I shall not be in want or lack anything. In Philippians (I think) He will meet my every need. In the Book of Chronicles, when I turn from my wicked ways and pray to Him, He will Hear me from Heaven and Forgive me (of all my sins, trespasses and iniquities), Cleanse me from unrighteousness and Heal my land (where I live – and I receive this Great Promise).
I can physically sense my body getting calm and my balance being restored.
I’m a favored and blessed Child of God.
With Abundant Gratitude,
Brenda
Your Sister in Christ
I’m so glad you could sense your body calming and I hope the things that are true about you will keep meeting you in you deep feelings.
Dear Tasha, I just experienced this exact issue! One of my daughters caught Covid and couldn’t join my other daughter and granddaughter and me for our annual long weekend in the mountains. It was the first time in 6 years that one of us couldn’t make it. I had all those feelings. But we decided to go and make the most of it. But there was a big hole where my missing daughter should have been.
Tasha prayers for “the person you love” and what they are going through and prayers for you.
My husband is in a “health season” we are not used to. I admit my compassion for him is challenging. “He can’t. He won’t. He doesn’t. He’s not going.” I ask forgiveness several times a day as I am kinder and compassionate to a complete stranger than I am to him. I am so grateful God steps in and softens my heart. Reminds me “how He made me” I get to forgive myself, my mood, frustration and disappointment…and say I’m sorry with a hug.
Thank you God \0/
Thank you for your prayers and for sharing your heart, Janet. I’m also glad God softens hearts – mine included.
Janet,
Prayers for you your husband. It is hard when you are the caretaker. Sometimes your compassion/kindness wears thin. Asking God to give you strength & lots of energy to assist your husband. May God send an abundance of peace & contentment to your weary soul.
Blessings 🙂
Tasha,
Saying prayers for your friend. May God send His healing touch to their body. Prayers for you to have peace & compassion on this friend.
These two items stand out to me: “A hard heart leads to death, and a soft, tender heart leads to life.” “I remember that God is a God of feelings”
Covid did a number on our hearts & sensitivity/tenderness. It appears many have become blase holding relationships & plans loosely. We need to pray to God more & ask for Him to forgive our feelings. May He change & soften our hearts. Let’s try to be more caring, soft hearted & loving towards our friends & family.
Blessings 🙂