I breathed in slowly through my nose, the way I always do when trying to stay calm. My hands gripped the kitchen counter like my life depended on it, turning my knuckles pale white. It was all I could do to try and keep it together; to not say something I would regret.
It had been less than two hours since our families had gotten together. Less than two hours before the first tense moment rippled through us, bringing a screeching halt to the conversations and putting everyone on edge.
I wasn’t even surprised when it happened.
It was the same old behaviors. The same complaints and sharp tongues. The same people bursting into tears. It was like watching a horror scene from a movie in slow motion, knowing that something horrible was about to happen, but still unable to do anything about it.
I’m usually on the periphery of these outbursts; the outsider, looking in. I watch in silence, thoughts whipping through me like a raging storm: Should I step in? Should I try to “help”? What would I say? What if I made things worse? Why is my family like this?
Families can be difficult. That’s probably the understatement of the year. But it’s true. Sometimes, I wake up and wonder, How is it that the people I have spent most of my life with can be so different from me? Or, perhaps the question I should be asking is, Why am I so different from the rest of my family?
It’s amazing that people who practically spend 24/7 with each other can come to have dialectically opposing personalities, political views, theological stances, parenting philosophies, and lifestyle choices.
There can be such heartache in families. Frustration that our families are trying to change us. The grief of not being accepted for who we are. There’s constant bickering, trying to get the other person to think or behave more like us.
Constantly trying to change each other is a recipe for disaster, and a good excuse to avoid family get-togethers during the holidays.
But something I’ve learned over the years is that my job is not to change my family; it’s to point them to the Change Maker.
In Ezekiel 36:26-27, God says, “I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.”
The way God compels people to change is like a gentle current, like the breeze on a cool autumn day. His Spirit guides and nudges us, slowly tuning our hearts toward Him, and toward the goodness of His ways.
Most often changing a person’s heart from stone cold to warm and pliable takes time. Whether it’s realizing they need help or choosing not to say hurtful things; whether it’s turning from a life of sin or being open to new ideas, change in a person will be measured by the course of decades, not months, and certainly not minutes.
Nevertheless, the power to change a person is God’s and God’s alone. Not mine.
Knowing that it’s not my job to change my family is liberating. When I’m with my family, I don’t need to win arguments or put someone in their place. I’m not trying to be the smartest person in the room. I don’t need to be that annoying family member who harps on someone over and over until I’m beating a dead horse with my advice.
My job is simply to love and encourage my family in ways that align with Scripture. The last thing I want is to communicate that I will only love them if they act and think like me. Making our family feel like our love is conditional based on their level of transformation does not represent the heart of God.
So now, in moments of family conflict, I try doing the following:
- I try to make sure everyone involved feels heard and understood.
- I work toward helping everyone feel acknowledged and validated for their views or feelings.
- I remind my family that they love each other and are on the same team.
- I share a Bible verse that would encourage someone and make them feel empowered.
- I ask how I can pray for them.
It’s much easier to love our families just as they are when we see ourselves as cheerleaders instead of coaches. We’re not trying to make them more like us. We’re trying to gently, lovingly point our family toward Christ, and trust that He will bring about His good work in them according to His perfect timing.
This was meant for me! I needed it.
Yes it not my job to change my family. Especially my Dad who is 82 and not saved. Can be stubborn set in his own ways. You tell him things to make life easier for him and because you love him. He will not do them or listen to you. He thinks he knows best. You got to remember he not saved. People like my Dad will not change until they get saved. All you can do is pray for them and their salvation. They will even though you are only trying to help them and what you are saying to them makes sense and would make life easier for them. They are of the world and will not listen to you. You have to have a lot of Patience and remember they are of the world. God showed you that many times. You are to just love them and pray for them. Until they get saved nothing will change. See I do home help for my elderly Dad Monday to Friday. I have in the past told him things to help him and make life easier for him. But he not listen to me. I said it in love I know he can do them for himself and if did them. It would make his life alot easier. But he thinks he knows better. So God has told me to just not tell him anymore. Just do his house not change him. Love him remember he of the world and not saved. Unless the Holy Spirit convicts him to get saved he not going to change in his ways. So I just keep praying for my Dad. Just go in love on to Lord and on to my Dad and do his home help and say nothing. As it only cause row with us. Just get on with doing his home help for him. When he get saved he will change and see what I say is in love and to make his life easier for him. Love today’s reading. It is so true my job is just love my Dad and do his home help Monday to Friday in the love of the Lord and the Love of my Dad and Keep praying for my Dad’s Salvation. Love Dawn Ferguson-Little in my prayers all incourage xx
So good! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
This hits home. I love having multigenerational family dinners, but they have become so stress filled it is becoming a task not a joy. Your words went straight to my heart as I think about these events. I am sharing this with my children and grandchildren so we can all make an effort to approach each other differently. Thank you so much.
I needed to hear today. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you Michelle! You have no idea how much I needed this today!
God’s Perfect Timing is just that, “God’s Perfect Timing.” It’s not our perfect timing at all.
When will we see another person change? Maybe when you allow God to change what you see in that person even before they change. And as you allow God to work in your own heart.
My Sisters in Christ, I have been handling “change” in my spouse wrong for 43 years. Now, finally I can ask God to give me Spiritual Vision for my marriage. Unconditional Love is what God gives me and all His children.
I’m in Kindergarten and I need much prayer and encouragement. God’s Guidance is foundational.
God bless your steps.
Brenda
This is good advice that I will try to practice. I have adult children that just pierce my heart with some of their decisions. I need to love them unconditionally but it is hard to know what that really looks like sometimes.
Excellent advice! Thank you for such wonderful words that I need to hear and practice over and over!
This was my family for the last few years. A lot of tension, arguments, and discord, especially after my Mom passed last year. There was a clear divide between siblings and for a time I did not think we would come together again. But slowly most of the hurts have healed and been forgiven and we have all come together again. It is so nice being with all of them again the way we were. But this is a reminder that we even though we were all raised the same, we are all very different and that’s okay. Love for our parents, love for each other-our family is our strength.
I so needed to hear this!
So, so well put & important “the last thing I want is to communicate that I will only love them if they act and think like me.” I am often reminded that Jesus simply & deeply loved people wherever they were at (myself included). Thank God! 🙂
If you only knew the timing of this message for me today! I am dealing with a young adult son who seems to be falling in the same destructive patterns as his dad: porn, verbal/ mental abuse to his girlfriend, not walking with God… my heart is breaking as I pray specific scriptures over him daily. Wondering if he will ever allow God to move in his life, in the meantime my heart is breaking. But your message has given me hope and reassurance God is in control of my son’s heart—not his mama.
Tricia,
Abba Father, Please soften/change Tricia Clark’s son’s heart. Help him to see his behaviors as unacceptable. Make him more like you. Give Tricia peace in her heart & soul as she awaits your perfect timing.
Blessings 🙂
Wow-a good word. Thank you!
My 81yr old mother in law is “difficult”-my husband and other relatives try to help her but she’s so bitter and paranoid about everything.
Surprisingly, She has had a well provided life.
Recent health issues have made things worse. It’s not just getting older-she’s been this way for the 38 years I’ve been around.
She is not saved.
I’ll encourage my husband (&myself) to just show love. And PRAY.
Michelle,
Family dynamics can be a hard maneuver. More often the best advice is avoiding certain topics that bring dissention. Also showering them all with God’s love. I have a sister that is hard to love. She has made many bad choices in life. Most of the time I don’t talk to her. When she calls I listen intently & just let her speak. A few words of mine may get in there & some questions may be asked. Drama is something I can’t handle within my family. Thanks for the advice.
Blessings 🙂