I am afraid of the ocean. I’m afraid of its unpredictability, the way the waves never come in the same way, the way it changes so quickly with the tide and the wind. I’m afraid of its depth and its expanse, the way I can’t see down to its floor or see its end beyond the horizon. The ocean has moods that change with its color, and out of fear, I like to keep a respectable distance.
Still, I take the kids to the beach because we all appreciate its beauty from the safety of the shore. We build mounds of sand that are supposed to be sand castles or birthday cakes, and every once in a while, we walk near the water and let the waves kiss our feet. If we’re bold enough, we risk them splashing our knees as we hold hands tightly.
Along with the ocean, I’ve been afraid of many things for most of my life. I remember my dad calling me chicken when I couldn’t handle the pressure of jumping into the pool with him and my sister. I was and still am afraid of roller coasters, pain, failure, and success. I’m afraid of the possibility of any of those things as well as looking like a fool trying not to be afraid.
I hold the naive optimism of thinking I could do more than I really can, while actually believing I can do it. I once had skydiving on my bucket list because I loved the idea of flying freely, but imagining myself at the edge of an open airplane door is enough to make me want to hug the ground and never leave it again. I love the idea of me being brave. In reality, I freeze in the face of fear or I puff myself up to seem bigger and stronger and braver than I really am when I’m just a fraction of the shadow I create.
I have the same naive optimism with my faith. I sing these words with my whole heart and a full voice, a declaration of my commitment to God:
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
But when He is moving and inviting me to step deeper into the water, where even my toes, stretching and reaching can’t find something to stand on, I feel panicked instead of fearless. I am one of little faith instead of one singing praises of trust. I give God a thousand excuses as to why I couldn’t or shouldn’t and how He clearly got the wrong idea of me. Or I try to map out all the options so I can predict what God might be thinking would be best for me and my family.
We left what we knew, loved, and planned for in life and ministry in Vegas and moved back to California two years ago with that naive optimism. We had hopes of new dreams and living out passions, but we’re still here, in almost the same spot we were that hot July day when we moved into my in-laws’ home.
There are moments when I’m desperate for answers, for clarity, for vision, and in my desperation my feet scramble to find the sandy floor of the ocean to feel safe and secure. Half of me wants to run back to the shore of certainty, but the other half of me knows the sandy shore is anything but certain. It shifts with the waves, and my heart knows it’s better to risk treading water than to go back to what is now just an illusion.
I sang and asked the Spirit to take me deeper than my feet had ever wandered, and He’s brought me to that place now. I know we are exactly where we need to be though our future is unclear and the present is hazy at best. We don’t have answers, we don’t see a vision, and there are days when safety and security sing like a siren, luring my heart with its comforting melody, and I get entranced.
But the voice of God whispers a deep note to my soul, the sound of it familiar and clear. He recounts the story He’s been writing in my life and reminds me that He can be trusted. He turns my face toward Himself and repeats the words He has said before: Keep going. Don’t be afraid. They are the same words I’ve heard this whole time, but somehow they mean something again. Somehow hearing them fills me with assurance, and I am no longer thrashing in the waves, my feet no longer frantic for sand to stand on. Instead, I am still. I am once more anchored by His presence with me, and all of me wants only Him because He is my Rock.
I took the kids to the beach again today, and the ocean wasn’t roaring as it usually does. The tide was out, the water was shallow, and the wind was just a breeze. The waves swayed back and forth on the shore, hushing my soul, and it was as though the ocean were singing His truth to me — Come in deeper and know freedom, for I am with you.
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Bev @ Walking Well With God says
Grace,
Christ died so that we could walk in freedom. He doesn’t want us allowing fear and lies of the enemy to hold us back. I always wanted the grace before I stepped out in faith, but I’ve learned that the grace and strength of that righteous right hand that holds me, tightens its grip on me the moment I step out of my comfort zone. Then and only then does grace begin. But each time I’ve stepped out, I’ve learned that He is faithful and that builds confidence to step out again and again. Sure fear is there, but His love and grace are stronger. Beautiful post!
Blessings,
Bev xx
Grace P. Cho says
Yes, His love and grace are stronger – amen to that!
Michele Morin says
My kids have grown up in the lakes and on the beaches here in Maine, wishing for gills and never once suspecting that their mum is terrified of depth and current. Like you, I’m drawn to the ocean’s beauty and incomprehensible size, but overwhelmed by it, too.
I am learning that my fear, like the rest of my life, cannot be surrendered all at once with a huge gush, but one drop at a time, by grace.
Pearl Allard says
Michele, well said! So encouraging!
Michele Morin says
Hi, Pearl–Thank you!
Grace P. Cho says
One drop at a time is right. Thanks, Michele!
Becky says
Michele,
I tend to be an “all or nothing” gal, swinging my pendulum from one extreme to another out of fear/desiring security. There is no peace in this. There is no surrender.
Your words, “one drop at a time,” speak peace to my soul. Thank you.
Thank You, Father, for understanding me.
Michele Morin says
So glad you also have found solace in the “one drop at a time” concept of pouring out a life.
And it’s such a gift to be known and loved by God. Giving thanks along with you this evening.
Monica says
I love that “one drop at a time.” Never thought of it that way, but will hold onto that one.
Michele Morin says
So glad the imagery helps your heart, Monica.
I know it encourages me.
Martha McNeal says
Loved this so much, blessed assurance Jesus is mine and I am His. Help me want you Jesus, more than anything. Lift us up and help us stand, and when we have done all to stand, to stand therefore! Thank you for posting.
Grace P. Cho says
Love that hymn! Yes, He is our assurance now and always!
Lauren says
So beautifully written, you’ve got an amazing talent! Keep using it! 🙂
Grace P. Cho says
Thank you so much, Lauren, for your encouragement!
Beth Williams says
Grace,
We are not alone in making excuses to God. Moses made many excuses why he couldn’t go before Pharoah. God was gentle & patient with him telling him He would be with him all the way. He knows our fears & apprehensions & promises to be with us all the way. He is looking for people willing to step out in faith & trust Him fully. It takes courage to do the jobs God has assigned us. Take heart He will equip us with everything we need & be there with us. He is our rock & refuge. In Him there is no fear. Let’s all be brave & step out into the wide blue oceans with God. Put fear behind you & go for it!
Blessings 🙂
Grace P. Cho says
If He calls us to it, He will equip us. I have so much hope because of that. Let’s be brave together!
Tara Dickson says
Oh Grace, Your words spoke deeply to my heart. I have always felt like you about life. When God called my husband Home two years ago the little hold I thought I had gained on my life felt jerked out of my hand. We began a journey of trust deeper than any I had walked. It involved picking myself and our four children up and moving to another state, following a dream I had long buried and so much more. There are days I feel just like you. That song of safety sings sweetly in my ears and I question everything, even my ability to hear God. But, His Word always puts me back together, reminds me of his faithfulness and invites me even deeper. Thank you for this message, on a day I feel the stormy waters swirling at my feet. I love how God uses his precious people to wash our minds in truth and courage! -Tara
Grace P. Cho says
Thank you for sharing your story, Tara! I love how God brings the right word at the right time. Praying for you to be anchored to Christ as the waters swirl around you.
Jennifer Cook says
I, too, am afraid. Afraid of judgement from family, afraid friends won’t invite me to their homes, and afraid I’m too strict of a mom. I am sad this morning so it was nice to read of oceans. Trusting in God isn’t easy. Thanks for the reminder to go anyway.
Grace P. Cho says
Yes, it’s not easy. Praying you hear His voice speak truth over you through His Word and through others around you so you can trust even when fears speak loudly.
Pearl Allard says
Grace, I’m with you on almost all of those things. So grateful we can know we’re on the right path even when we have no idea where we’re going. We follow the Way, the same God Abraham followed, and he didn’t have a clue either. And speaking of Lauren Daigle songs, I just listened to You Say last night for the first time—so good! May God help us keep going!
Grace P. Cho says
I love Lauren Daigle! Yes, may we follow the Way!
Penny says
Grace,
Thank-you for sharing your words. You have so beautifully expressed the mysteriousness of the ocean, and like the mountains, although outstanding, I prefer them with my feet on the ground. There are some things I’ve been able to step out of my comfort zone to overcome but others such as heights I am not. Will I ever, I’ll never know, but I have faith that when I do try (to overcome hard things), God is and will be carrying me every step of the way.
Have a blessed day all,
Penny
Grace P. Cho says
Amen. He will!
Niki Hardy says
Beautiful Grace
Many years ago I got taken out by a rip tide and nearly drowned. Like you I t’s left me with a nervousness about the unpredictability and vastness of the ocean. But on that day I learned if I had just swim parallel to the shore, letting the rip take me, not fighting it, it would have eventually taken me back to shore. I’m learning it’s the same with the spirit. When he leads us out we’re better off going with it than fighting to get back to the safety of the beach.
Much love. God’s got you for sure.
Sandra says
How true; I’m so glad you reminded us that what we find to be true in nature correlates with the spiritual realm. Thank you.
Grace P. Cho says
SO SO GOOD! So much truth in that, Niki!
Cheryl says
Wow – I couldn’t believe I was reading this Word from God – take me deeper Lord!!
I awoke from a bad dream this morning . I was walking on sidewalk in an unknown town past shops and I veered off to the left across a road and found myself in snow . Taking a few more steps suddenly I started sinking down down deeper into the snow – franticly I tried to scream but no voice and the snow was way above my head – no one around – I panicked and woke up.
Lying in bed scared I called upon God to take away this scared feeling and then reached for my phone to do my devotion before arising.
Thankyou Thankyou – for telling me I can walk upon the water for He WILL rescue me!
Grace P. Cho says
I hate scary dreams. I’m so glad you awoke to truth! He will be with you!
Jessica says
Beautiful – thank you
Sandra says
This speaks to me today as I find myself in a place of uncertainty also. Thank you.
Lynn D. Morrissey says
Grace, this is a powerful message, actually about grace 🙂 and God’s lavish love and helping us overcome fear. You wrote it beautifully. I love how God took you to the edge of the ocean–both an overwhelming frightening and overwhelmingly beautiful phenomenon of His creation, and gave you courage and hope. I’ve always loved looking at the ocean from afar, thinking it so majestic, but I don’t swim. I’m afraid for obvious reasons to get into the water. But there have been many things in my life which I have feared irrationally. And I have also doubted God’s love and forgiveness for my deepest sin, my abortion. So twice now, God has intentionally taken me to the ocean for healing and cleansing, and to give me a picture of His boundless love for me, and the depths of His forgiveness and cleansing. I’ve stood at ocean’s edge, letting a low tide wash over my feet, just like Jesus washed Peter’s feet, because though he was saved, not all of him was clean. He had to be forgiven afresh. God forgave me of my compulsive fear and set me free from it a year ago last March as I stood at the sea in Iona Scotland, and let God’s oceanic forgiveness wash over me. And I stood at the ocean in 1997 to receive a picture of God’s fathomless love and forgiveness for my sin of abortion. I wrote the following that day in my journal: “Oh, God! Your grace is fluid, flowing, flooding, unleashed, unlimited, unmeasured, undeserved—a gift bestowed without merit, without cost to me, free. It is a ceilingless sky, a relentless riot of rain, a shoreless, bottomless ocean, there for the taking by the teaspoonful, cupful, bucketful, basinful, whatever amount for whatever need. And, with the taking, no diminishing supply—unending, unfathomable.” Had I not stood at the edge of His ocean, I wouldn’t have experienced His love and cleansing in the same way, because I wouldn’t have had such a powerful visual that God used to prove this truth to me. I pray the ocean will become for you, Grace, such a powerful symbol of His healing from fear, and hope in His love.
Fondly,
Lynn
Grace P. Cho says
Wow, Lynn. That was so powerful to read. I love how God has used the ocean to meet you and wash you anew. I pray it will do the same for me as well!
Patricia Raybon says
Grace, your reflection is totally beautiful. Thanks so much for writing this and sharing. From land-locked Colorado, thank you!
Grace P. Cho says
Thank you, Patricia!
Rebecca Jones says
Fear is the worst, thank God His love is greater.
Robin Dance says
We humans are such contradictions, aren’t we? To see how the Lord is taking your fears and shape-shifting them into something else is beautiful. Gah–and this song…! It’s one I sing with a reluctancy, because I want it to be my honest prayer. The truth is, am I willing to go if/when God leads? Maybe. This piece is lovely, friend. Especially since I’ve seen those images of your littles at the beach, and now know a little more about your desire to follow God…wherever :). Your last paragraph was a gift back to the Lord, it seems, in response to all He gave you that day. <3
Monica says
Grace, thanks for sharing so transparently. I can relate to much of what you said. It blesses me most to know I’m the only one and to be reminded of the safety of our Father.
Grace P. Cho says
So glad it encouraged you. Yes, we’re not alone in this!
Janira Walton says
this beautiful Message came just at the right time. Thank you!
Rachel Kang says
Makes me think of the Bethel song…
Then You crash over me and I’ve lost control but I’m free
I’m going under, I’m in over my head
And You crash over me, I’m where You want me to be
I’m going under, I’m in over my head
Whether I sink, whether I swim
Oh it makes no difference when I’m beautifully in over my head
<33