It was Christmas eve, impregnated with an importance that thankfully, didn’t visit annually. We all knew, that next Christmas, one of us would not be there, so we held tightly to the time gifted to us as we celebrated the birth of my grandma’s Savior, whom she would soon be meeting.
We gathered around the hospice bed draped with holiday quilts, and hugged her gently, trying not to disturb the tubes that helped her stay a little longer. We donned Santa hats, hummed joyful ditties, and took pictures in an attempt to capture our last Christmas together. Smells of the yuletide feast filled the house, in which my mother found as sanctuary when addiction stole my father away.
My grandmother was a gentle woman, seasoned with the perfect amount of feistiness, and that final Christmas Eve she let it show. Not toward any of us, but against that vile disease that kept her from enjoying the delicacies of Christmas. After being fed intravenously for weeks because her frail body couldn’t handle the richness of food, she leaned toward my mother and declared, “I would like a piece of fudge.”
My mom warned of the inevitable sickness that would follow, but Grandma was determined to savor a piece of the confection she enjoyed so many Christmases before. Her satisfaction in that bite of sweetness removed the cliché pandering of the saying “eat, drink, and be merry for tomorrow we die.”
It proved to be her last meal, before cancer deprived us of her two weeks later. I was 14, and this was the first time I had watched someone’s life slowly wane due to illness. I am still amazed at the life that flowed through her failing body. She left us with memories that continue to preach.
“Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!” {Philippians 4:4}
Even in those last days she relished the small moments and saw the big picture. She took the time to bless each of us with her steadfast faith and priceless wisdom. She also accepted the beauty of legacy as her daughter, my mother, would pray for God to lead her through the sorrow with the knowledge that she was not alone.
The matriarch of our little family effused the ideals of a Titus 2 woman. She was self-controlled, kind, and taught those around her what was truly good. She had long been determined to enjoy each day, and in her illness she held to the anchored hope of life in Christ.
God knows the first breath and He knows the last. But sometimes people leave us before we’re ready to let them go, and the holidays can be a reminder of their very present absence. Yet, the season full of cheer can also carry us gently into bittersweet beauty, that leads us right back into the reasons those people are missed.
As this Christmas season bids me harken to its strains, I can also hear the whispers of invitations to comfort. It is a celebration swirling around my deepest hope and greatest love, Jesus, and there are smaller delights that dance into my senses when the air is crisp and carols are sung. There is peace in resting under the illumination of Christmas tree lights with a good book, delving into the ideals of advent with my family, and intentionally choosing hope, joy, and love. Then come the smells, oh, the smells that usher in memories of Christmas past, and encourage hunger for the gift of the present.
Pine, cinnamon, and sugar cookies are traditional aromas of Christmas, but for me I linger merrily in the chocolaty whiffs of fresh fudge.
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Related: Enjoy the ambiance and soft glow of tealight candles positioned in this uniquely designed star tealight holder and share with others the amazing truth . . . Jesus is our Everlasting Light.
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Hi Chara, thank you for sharing about your Grandma and the piece of fudge. Your post reminded me of my grandfather. One of the sweetest memories my sister and I have of him is his huge heart and yummy homemade fudge that he had waiting for us when we visited him.
Wishing you a Merry Christmas.
Veronica,
It is always amazing the memories we attach to food. It is fabulous when they are great memories and even better when they are memories like these that are marked with love.
Thanks for reading,
Chara
Hi Chara,
Thank you for sharing. Christmas can be a hard season for me too. My precious brother passed away unexpectedly age 33 on Christmas morning, in 1995. My daughters and I have a lot of loving memories of him that I cherish. We know he is with the Lord, but it can be hard sometimes. It’s hard to relate this to my new husband, but he is so understanding of the situation.
Have a blessed Christmas.
Mary
Mary, thank you for sharing a piece of your story with me. I am praying that you will feel the nearness of Jesus as the hardness of loss presses in on the joy of Christmas and the love and you have for your brother. I am glad that you have the hope of being reunited in eternity, but for those moments when these bittersweet memories visit and remind, may you find comfort in the, not yet but someday, promises of our good God.
Thank you for reading,
Chara
Thank you for sharing your memories of your Grandma! As I sit here sipping my coffee, I too am missing my Grandma. I have so many sweet memories of her that I treasure deep in my heart. Christmas makes me miss her all the more, but I will never forget the impact she had upon my life. I can’t imagine how it will be when I see her once again in heaven. Her legacy of loving God, showing humility and kindness, and her love of family is continuing on. She would always pray and say ” Lord, help me to be a blessing to someone else, today” and that’s truly how she lived. I was so blessed and grateful to call her mine!!
Kim,
Oh, yes! The hope in this comment alone made my eyes glisten with expectant tears. That legacy piece is so precious and such a good gift from our God. May we be so fortunate to leave a wake of love and the glory of God behind our own lives as we rest in the blessing of the Christ-honoring inheritance that we have been given
Thanks for reading,
Chara.
And Chara, your grandma was my little sister. In our childhood, candy was a little scarce, but for Christmas, our mother made wonderful fudge, divinity, date loaf and outstanding pies and cakes. She always loved me and hurt with me and rejoiced with me. As we grew older, we were far away, but grew closer as the years went by. Thanks for your beautiful memo
Don, Thanks for telling me that. I didn’t know that it dated back even further. That just makes it even more wonderful.
Thanks for reading,
Chara
Dear Chara,
These are precious memories. It is great to have another writer (Grandad would be crying with good pride that you have taken up the “pen” like him) in the family to, so eloquently, share the memories with others and have them recorded for family. Thank you for sharing this story with the additional acknowledgement of Christ’s continual presence throughout life, both in the big and the little things. Love, Mom
Haha, Hi Mom. Thanks for your support and encouragement. I love you so very deeply!
Chara,
Christmas has been a little hard these past few years. My aging dad is in assisted living and his health is failing some-dementia, etc. This year we put him on hospice in July. I haven’t had any big family celebrations in a while. We will just go see my in-laws and celebrate the birth of Jesus.
P.S. My mother loved chocolate. She would ask for a couple squares of chocolate. Fond memories!
Blessings 🙂
Beth,
I am praying that you feel the presence of our Savior with you as you move through this week. That you find joy in curious places, and feel the weight of the tension between holiday past and present being carried for you.
With love,
Chara 🙂
My mother-in-law had that same gleam in her eye. She rode on a snow-mobile with one of her grandsons just weeks before her death, and if there had been fudge somewhere nearby, she’d have had a bite of that too! Thanks for this bittersweet memory.
Oh Michele, what an amazing memory to cherish. Here’s to the amazing women who have been in our lives! Praying you have a wonderful Christmas~ Chara 🙂
Really lovely, Chara. Your words obviously resonated. Blessings!
Thank you Amanda. I was so grateful to be able to share the story of a woman I loved so very much and the love she carried for Jesus. Praying your holidays are peace-filled. ~Chara