Do you ever stop to think about God as your Father? And yourself as His beloved daughter?
I guess I’d consider myself a pretty self-sufficient woman now that I’m a grown up trying to be an adult in this world. Adulting is often harder than I dreamed it would be, but at this point I can’t go back to being a kid again. When my carefully organized plans or expectations hit a road bump, I have to pull myself together and navigate through and make it to the other side without much impact. It’s hard to keep it together sometimes!
I have become a master problem solver. Whenever I face difficulties that seem insurmountable, I stick with it until I find a solution. While I am not skilled at everything (very little, in fact), I am determined to find a way to manage difficulties without needing much help from others or being a burden to anyone else.
As a wife and mom, I can be counted on to protect my family and save the day for everyone. I am reliable and steady for our church ministries. As a business woman, I try to be successful through hard work and determination. When you’re a parent, your people expect you to keep it together for everyone else.
Normally, I would think of self-sufficiency as simply an admirable quality to strive for. And it is! Adults need to be self-sufficient. But now that I’ve become self-sufficient, I want to guard myself against becoming too good at it.
The trouble with being self-sufficient is just that, you often feel like you can manage almost everything on your own. You don’t want to bother anyone else to help you. You feel like you should be capable and strong enough to make things happen and roll with the results without falling apart. It’s hard to humble yourself to ask for help or guidance or let others in to your everyday struggles, even when you need the support.
If you don’t rely on anyone else, that can be your downfall.
When my kids were little, a common phrase they all repeated in their toddler years was “I DO IT.” Little kids want to do everything themselves — except for when they don’t want to do something, like clean up or eat their veggies. As a toddler, my oldest girl would say, “It’s too heabby (heavy)” whenever she didn’t want to carry something herself. She practiced selective independence, I can relate to that!
If I ever wanted to help her when she didn’t want my help, she’d loudly let me know she was perfectly capable, so no need for your help, Mom, thankyouverymuch! She’d want to pour the milk on her cereal herself, even though I knew the milk would splash all over the table and likely end up in a puddle on the floor. As she yelled “I DO IT!” I would restrain myself from holding the milk carton or bowl so she could learn the lessons on her own. I wanted to teach her to be independent, but at the same time I just wanted her to let me help so we could avoid all the messy results.
As a mom, I want to help my kids to grow. I want to fix things or prevent difficulties for my family. That’s natural, isn’t it? We want to give our kids the tools they need to make wise choices so they can grow up to be independent and self-sufficient. Sometimes that means letting them fail or flail around so they can learn and grow from their own mistakes, but sometimes as a parent we just want to be there for them and help in any way we can.
Even though we want our kids to eventually grow up and be self-sufficient, don’t we still want to be needed and involved in their life? Don’t we wish they would come to us and ask for advice or let us help them? We are there to protect them, but also there when they fall.
The other day I saw a touching Facebook status from a dad of a grown daughter. It read something like, “Changing a car battery for my daughter. It’s nice to still be needed.” Dads still want to be there for their daughters, they want to be needed, even after their little girls grow up and become more self-sufficient.
I know my own dad still loves to help me. Even when it’s humbling to ask for help, I know it means a lot to him when I still need him. Even when I don’t ask, he’s there offering his support. I picture God the same way.
Our Father longs to have that close relationship with us. He wants to help. He wants to see us grow, but He still wants to be there for us.
It’s easy to rely on our own strength, our own ability, or own wisdom as an adult — so much so that we no longer reach out to our Father and let Him in to help us. It’s so easy to start to leave Him out of our daily life, decisions and activities, or only run to Him when there’s a big crisis.
Even in the thick of the messy everyday struggles,we try to solve on our own and want to be adult enough to handle, God’s right there ready to kneel down beside us just like when we were a little girl ashamed over the spilled milk, laying His gentle hand on our shoulder to say “let me help you with that.” He’s hoping we will let Him help. He never stops loving us or wanting that relationship with us, even when we feel like we should have it all together by now.
God is still our Father and we are still His daughter, no matter how capable we become.
At what times are you a little too good at self-sufficiency?
Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. {2 Corinthians 3:5}
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Bev @ Walking Well With God says
Melissa,
I was brought up in a home where self-sufficiency was a virtue. Needless to say it took God awhile to undo that deeply held notion. He’s still at it. When I am totally self-sufficient I bring no glory to God…only to myself, but when I earnestly depend and rely on Him…going to Him for my strength and my ability to persevere, then the glory goes to Him. In shifting the glory away from myself and onto Him it is what He wants, but relying and depending on Him is what my soul deeply needs. In it I find freedom. Great reminder this am!
Blessings,
Bev
melissa @ the inspired room says
Thank you Bev, it is true, we need to depend on Him and that will bring glory to Him. It’s so easy to take it all on our shoulders. SO much freedom when we let go and just do things God’s way!
Jessica Miller says
What a beautiful reminder of how to rejoice in our sufferings and boast in our weaknesses by claiming His strength. Thank you so much for this reminder that He longs to help us and meet us right where we are, without expectations for how we are going to “get it right” or fix ourselves.
melissa @ the inspired room says
Amen, that is the goal, to rejoice that we cannot do it all!! What a blessing to rest in the fact that He can be the strength we need.
Becca Daisy says
This brought tears to my eyes….thank you for the beautiful reminder. In my effort to be so self sufficient in raising and supporting two children on my own, I often isolate myself. We can so easily lose our sense of dependency on God and on others, and then finding ourselves suddenly very alone. Thank you again….time to embrace a beautiful day WITH God and others. Warm hugs and smiles….
melissa @ the inspired room says
Hugs back to you, Becca! You are a strong and brave mama to raise those children. Praise God that He will carry you through this journey so you are not alone. xo
Shauna Viele says
I actually have difficulty with being self sufficient. I tend to want to hand everything over to somebody else, or people intervene because they know a better way to do things. Then I am doubly frustrated. Right now I am struggling with trying to determine if I am unhappy in my current job because Of living in a double bind, or if it is just my mindset and I need to change it.
melissa @ the inspired room says
Lack of self-sufficiency, that can be an issue, too, can’t it? We need to find that confidence to make choices for ourselves that align with our principles, goals and belief in God. He can give us the courage to make those hard choices and to say no to people who want to sway us or confuse us along the way.
Mary Durocher says
I have this little mantra that I repeat over and over in my head when I am doing “hard things.” When I first started repeating, “if it’s to be,it’s up to me!” it seemed a bit noble and selfless. However, as I have evolved and grown, I now know that it is a bit arrogant and clearly edges God out of the picture. As my children have grown, I have realized the danger of me handling what they ought to be handling. It results in arrested development. So, now I make a conscious effort to expect help, to build my children into the process. Getting ready for a birthday party used to be the worst example of my martyrdom. I come from a big family, so even the simplest event involves about 35 to 40 people. So, with my mantra “if it’s to be it’s up to me!” looping in my head I would do ever last bit of the work. I would cut the lawn, vacuum the pool, bake the cake, paint the banner, wrap the presents, blow up the balloons…it all carried my DNA. But it lacked joy for me…a connection for my husband…and usually resulted in me being sick the following week. But the Lord has been working me out…showing me how and why I need to be more reliant on others…but mostly on him. My overreaching selflessness had very little to do with my work ethic and more to do with fear. I felt like if I did my part, nothing would go wrong. If I produced what was close to perfection, then all would be well. But God sent me both big and little challenges that have taught me that it is the process that has the true value…not the product. He has shown me that there are deep connections that can be made standing side by side in the kitchen with my son peeling potatoes. He has shown me that there is pride that perches on everyone’s shoulder at the Thanksgiving table who has pitched in to prepare the meal. He has shown me that my husband wants and needs to be able to do things for me, it actually makes him feel good. So in my attempt to be selfless…I was actually holding back joy…not just for me…but for everyone. So now, when people get up on Thanksgiving morning there is a list hanging in the kitchen reflecting our team effort. We work together…sharing the load…trusting that God values the process more than the product. Understanding finally that our family needs to carry the DNA of all of us…not just the one who wears the crown of a martyr. I know God saw me all those years ago pushing everyone’s rock up a mountain and knew He needed to show me a better way. Every little trial He sent me led me to where I am today. I have a new favorite saying, not necessarily a new mantra, but a better way of being, “Together we are better!” I believe that, I didn’t know that ten years ago, but the Lord cracked me open…and for that I am so grateful. My old mantra left me battered and isolated…this new understanding energizes me and leaves me with energy to actually share in the fun. I no longer wear the crown of a martyr, but instead a ball cap that says TRUST. Trust in myself, in others, but mostly in a God who wants to bless me abundantly and will stand alongside me in any circumstance…working it for good.
melissa @ the inspired room says
I love your new way of being, and your journey. So inspiring to see how far you’ve come in resting in Him and letting others be a part of the process. Thank you for sharing!
Veronica says
Hi Melissa, I too, can be self-sufficient. Especially the part about not being a burden to others. But it goes deeper than that, especially when faced with a really hard situation, that God has shown me that dependence needs to be on Him rather than on others or on myself. I don’t feel capable of handling it all on my own, but I trust Him. He keeps showing me that He is safe to trust.
Penny says
Melissa,
Wow this was really awakening, thank-you. I have changed with time.There is still lot’s of things either I want to try and do myself to prove (to myself) that I can or because I like to. In other things I totally depend on (my husband). After losing my Parents I became more aware of the things I depended on them for. (Hopefully they knew). Since then I know I’ve become more dependent on our Father and I’m truly grateful for Him. Although I thought I was pretty self sufficient there is no way I can take full credit for most of what I do or can do. For me it is a Team effort with lot’s of players.
Penny
melissa @ the inspired room says
Amen, yes, we are all a part of the body of Christ and none of us were meant to go it alone. We need each other and we need to trust God that He is in control of it all.
JeanneTakenaka says
Melissa, I completely “get” this post, and the mindset. 🙂 I’ve spent years trying to learn how to live a life depending on God. I was praised for my self-sufficiency, and to be honest, I like being in control of my own life. God’s made me a capable woman. At times I feel the need to prove I can do whatever is tossed my way. But, what God wants is for me to choose humility rather than control. To choose dependence on Him rather than toughing it out on my own. It’s such a challenge to choose dependence sometimes. But, when I do, there’s a sense of rest that replaces that drive to strive for proving myself. I’m learning to choose rest more often these days. 🙂
Great truth here today!
melissa @ the inspired room says
Yes, I love that you describe experiencing a sense of rest when we choose humility and trust rather than control! That is very true! Thank you, Jeanne.
liriensgrandmasugar says
I’m so glad to have found this site. God is speaking to me through it. I’ve been feeling so alone and abandoned in my self sufficiency and illness. Thank you for lifting me up.
melissa @ the inspired room says
I’m glad you are here. God bless you.
Beth Williams says
Melissa,
Great post! Self sufficiency robs other people of joy! Not only are you leaving God out of the picture, but others who want to feel useful and can lend a hand. We get a sense of joy from helping a fellow Christian. I also understand that as women we tend to want to prove ourselves to the world that we can do it all!!! God doesn’t ask us to do it all, just do our best and leave the rest to Him and others He puts in your path!
Blessings 🙂