It had been a long, dispiriting day. Week. Month.
Season.
That night the air in my bedroom was close and still — and I suddenly felt claustrophobic. I grabbed my Book of Common Prayer and went out onto the patio even though there’s no furniture out there. I had to get out of the house.
The window from the bathroom shone a square patch of light on the bare concrete and I settled in it, content to read my Evening Prayer in its feeble light.
I felt like weeping, though, instead of praying.
For weeks I had been journeying through old scars and wounds and hurts. It was the hurt of healing — blessed and needed, but hard. Terribly hard.
In the past, I had papered over my shame and bitterness and fear. I had felt ashamed of how I’d reacted to abuse. I had shied away from facing my pain.
Now, as a mature adult, I was learning compassion for my younger self. I was learning to feel righteous anger towards the people responsible. I was learning to not be afraid any more.
And I was very, very tired. I was grieved.
I opened my little black book of prayers and tipped the pages towards the dim light, grateful that I’d mostly memorized the words:
Oh gracious light, pure brightness of the everliving Father in heaven, Oh Jesus Christ, holy and blessed!…You are worthy at all times to be praised by happy voices, Oh Son of God, oh Giver of Light, and to be glorified through all the worlds.
The truth was, I was not happy. I was praising God, but my voice was worn. I didn’t blame myself — I knew God stood with me in grief. I knew he held my hand in my brokenness and sadness.
“You are worthy, Lord,” I said.
I had been feeling the darkness of this world closely for the last few days; I praised the Lord anyway.
I could see stars: Orion’s legs, the two long horns of Taurus nestled deeply in the night sky. The breeze came lightly over the wall of the patio and danced over my neck.
All of a sudden, I was grateful, so incredibly grateful, for the ability to speak blessings into the world in the middle of the dark.
I could speak Light into my life, into my heart, with each blessed word. The light was right there for me to participate in. I could join the grand, illuminated dance of the ages, bowing in gorgeous harmony with the angels and stars and all created things.
It wasn’t that the darkness I felt wasn’t there. But it was glorious to affirm that it didn’t have the final say.
I could celebrate Someone who has never broken my heart. Who knit me back together when I was in pieces. Who has pierced my darkness, over and over, with gentle, compassionate light.
Suddenly, I was happy. I was jubilant.
My sadness and grief outlined the light in my heart with silver. It was all threaded together: the joy, the healing, the grief, the old pain, the constancy of God, the beauty of worship in the darkness.
The next part of the evening devotional went on:
For the same God who said, “Out of darkness let light shine” has caused his light to shine within us, to give the light of revelation — the revelation of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.
I have had enough of being wrapped in darkness, in being afraid and alone. I have had enough of feeling helpless against the darkness.
Praise God for the sweet victory of praise. Praise God for the revelation of His glory. Praise God for the incredible power of His light shining within us.
Praise God for the chance to be caught up in His light.
Leave a Comment
Kim says
Beautiful. I have so been where you are. Praising God is so healing.
Heather Caliri says
Thank you, Kim. I feel like I found a secret treasure-chest of blessing for even my darkest moments. I’m finally understanding those verses like, “you are my hiding place.”
Jeanne says
Wonderful word… Needed to hear them today.
Heather Caliri says
Thank you, Jeanne!
Angie D says
I am probably close to where you are. Not with abuse, but with a husband who has cast off his faith. My home has become a battle field, and darkness invades more and more. But I have found God and truth in this journey, and perhaps I would not have seen His light so clearly if the path was easy?
Thank you for your beautiful honesty.
Heather Caliri says
I’m sorry to hear you’re in the middle of a battle, Angie. That sounds heart-piercing. Father, I pray you would be in the middle of Angie’s home to provide peace and blessing and unity.
Beth Williams says
Father,
Help change Angie’s husband heart. Soften it so he will turn back to you and bring back the light in their lives. Bless Angie with courage and strength to carry on through all this!
AMEN!
Angie D says
Thank you, both. I am so grateful to God’s amazing plan to use His people for comforting, prayer, and encouragement! Your words mean so much!
Kim J says
Beautifully written devotional and love what you said Angie, ” I would not have seen his light so clearly if the path was easy.” Oh how I want that easy path after battling so long with chronic illness, a divorce, and more. But He has shown me more of himself in these dark places than ever before.
I love how you had just enough light to read and send praises to God. That is just like him, he gives us just enough light to keep pressing on!!
Heather Caliri says
Amen to that! That provision was lovely 🙂
Joanne Peterson says
Been on a very hard road for a long time. But this has also been when I have gotten to KNOW Jesus most clearly and and Hear his voice speaking to me in the most amazing and tender ways. Often when I least expect it. Thank you for this beautiful reminder!
Heather Caliri says
Amen! I feel myself leaning on him in a way I have always longed to do.
Peggy S says
Now, as a mature adult, I was learning compassion for my younger self. I need to learn this very thing as I face the abuse of the past also. Thank you.
Heather Caliri says
This is so hard. I have to do it all over again every time I see an old picture of myself. I pray we can practice each day seeing ourselves as Jesus does.
Julie Sunne says
Such lovely writing, Heather, and vulnerable sharing. “Praise God for the chance to be caught up in His light.” Yes, Praise Him for His light that is always present!
Heather Caliri says
Thank you, Julie!
Susan Gruener says
Amen Heather! Darknes DOES NOT have the final say – God THE LIGHT- our LIGHT has the final say!
Praying you will be blessed as you bless others!
Heather Caliri says
Thank you, Susan!
Penelope M says
Thank you so much Heather for your healing words. Tonight is THAT night for me as it marks exactly six years to the day since the passing of my best friend (for 11 and a half years).
It’s been a tough few days with a colleague also having collapsed and passed on 2 days ago.
So I’ve been feeling world-weary and carrying soul sores making me homesick for heaven. BUT you have restored my hope in knowing that darkness truly does not have the last say.
Bless you
Heather Caliri says
I’m so sorry for your losses, Penelope. Grief is so TIRING, and so CONSTANT, and I’m thankful to worship a God who is ‘acquainted’ with it.
Sarah Skinner says
Darkness does not have the final say. For sure!
When I feel like weeping instead of praying I rest in the promise of Romans 8:26-27 “In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. 27 And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.”
I let my weeping be my prayer and the Holy Spirit do the work of praying for God’s will.
Heather Caliri says
That is one of my favorite verses in the Bible. I’m so grateful for the peace it brings that the very best prayers I can pray are really God praying through me.
Tyra says
Amen and amen. Recently, I was feeling cloaked in darkness; a shroud that was so heavy it was tangible. But in reading Bob Sorge’s Secrets of the Secret Place, I was ministered to in a chapter entitled the Secret of Bodily Light. Sorge expounds on Jesus’ truth from Luke 11 on the whole body being filled with light. May His light continue to shine bright in your heart.
Heather Caliri says
Thank you, Tyra! And in yours as well!
Camille says
Beautiful and inspiring. I am coming out of my rough season finally! But I still have hard moments and this is a great reminder to praise God in all times because it truly is cleansing.
Heather Caliri says
Amen to that, Camille. I pray you have grace and peace in your journey out of the wilderness.
Holley Gerth says
Thanks for brightening our lives with your words today, Heather!
Heather Caliri says
Holley, it’s an honor to be here 🙂
Andrina Cossey says
“I saw the infinite love of God. I saw also that there was an ocean of darkness and death, but an infinite ocean if light and love, whic flowed over the ocean of darkness. And in that also I saw the infinite love of God;” George Fox’s journal 1647 He was founder of the Religious Society of Friends (Quakers)
Heather Caliri says
What an amazing quote. Thank you for sharing this, Andrina!
Beth Williams says
Heather,
Such prophetic words!
I have been in a dark place this year. It has bee one rough year for me dealing with my aging father. It has been one thing after another–added to that stress is the fact I hate my job and don’t want to go in most days. Another factor is that my husband almost lost his job-got put back on 2nd (late shift) in ER (CT tech). Praise God he now has a dayshift job closer to home with same company.
Through all of this I have learned to lean in hard on God and His light! His provision of the Holy Spirit to pray for me when I can’t. I find listening to Praise and Worship music on Pandora.com helps calm my soul and bring me peace!
Blessings 🙂
Heather Caliri says
I stream stations like that too! It has been such a helpful, clarifying, heart-filling spiritual discipline for me, giving me words of praise that stay on my mind all day.
Theresa esther says
Thank you for sharing this with us—-so TRUE!! We just need to PRAISE our way OUT of the pit–the enemy is trying to keep us in!
Heather Caliri says
It’s amazing what praise can do for our spirits. What I’m amazed by is how praise feels like a warm embrace, a place to be sheltered, and a Person to be a companion with me. Sometimes, the pit doesn’t go away, but I don’t feel alone in it.