When I was in Kindergarten, I was determined to be the best.
The best student.
The best friend.
The best reader.
Sometime in the fall, my class was outside for recess and I was reading near the teachers (as usual). I saw a few of my friends near the edge of the playground, and for once I decided to join them.
When I walked up to the kids, I saw they were throwing rocks and pebbles near a car. I thought we were seeing how far we could throw, so I joined in. I had fit in perfectly with the teachers so far, but not so much with the other kids. I wanted to fit in. The teachers eventually noticed us and made us apologize to the librarian, whose car we came close to hitting. The other kids didn’t care about apologizing and muttered a quick “sorry” before walking away. I, however, was sobbing and begging for the librarian to forgive me. Of course she did, as she knew me from church and knew I wouldn’t hit her car on purpose.
That day I told myself it would be “ok” and then I tried to forget the episode. I was ashamed of myself. Eight years later, I still remember that day vividly. Eight years later, I still get mad at myself for joining the crowd.
I had avoided that librarian since the day the rocks were thrown, hoping she wouldn’t see me and remember what I had done. My family moved multiple times since I was in kindergarten, but I still wasn’t willing to forgive myself for that mistake.
It had been eight years, but I hadn’t forgotten.
Sometimes the hardest part isn’t saying an apology, but forgiving yourself.
A few months ago, I went to a wedding. And eight years after I begged for mercy, I found myself talking to the librarian. I was nervous when I saw her; I hadn’t seen her since I was in second grade, but surely she remembered. We talked for a while, and I wondered when she would bring up the rocks that nearly hit her car.
But it never came up. In fact, she only talked about the good things I had done; how I helped her set out doughnuts for Sunday school. How I had always been a good student. She obviously had forgiven me, and days after we talked, I realized something. Something glorious.
Eight years after I had done a horrid thing (in my six-year-old mind, anyway), I had forgiven myself.
I had forgiven myself, and I felt free.
You see, Jesus has already forgiven us for every wrong thing we have ever done. It’s when we aren’t willing to forgive ourselves that we put on the chains of guilt and shame.
There is freedom in Christ from the shame we hold onto. There is Hope.
Today, come to Jesus and give Him your guilt; give Him your sins. Let Him unlock the shackles that hold you back. I promise, He will take them from you, and you will be free.
Awesome insights for someone your age. You are a really good writer. I want to encourage you to keep it up! Thank you for this reminder today. We all need the freedom that forgiveness brings! 🙂
Thank you so much for your kind words! You’ve encouraged me today! 🙂 God bless!
Hi Moriah,
I love the way you write…you are a blessing. 🙂
I freed myself from the guilt of a date rape when I was 16 and I am liberated from that trial.
These are wonderful insights! Thank you so much for sharing them! And do please keep up the good work with your writing. This post was a blessing and I hope to share it with a few others.
Such a great analogy. I still sometimes think of times when I laughed with other kids just to fit in. I remember a very heavy set girl in fourth grade who needed a larger desk and the seat cracked when she sat down. My heart cried for her, and yet I laughed a little. I sometimes wish I could talk to her today. I still beat myself up over it. I definitely need to learn to forgive myself in many areas. I know I am harder on myself than on others who have hurt me, but it’s so hard to break sometimes. Thank you, Moriah, for the reminder to let Him unlock the shackles!
Thank you, thank you for this today. The last month I have been struggling with shame & guilt from my season of infertility that brought me to the lowest point of my life that I have ever been. The enemy fed me horrible lies of why I wasn’t becoming a mother…and even after eventually having three children, that time still haunts me. God has revealed to me during this last month that He wants me healed and whole. To no longer be tormented from that time. And reading your post helped reinforce that! To let go of the shame, to live the abundant life that God has in store for me. To enjoy my precious babies that He placed in my life. This has been a journey, all of it, and it’s taken me a long time to get to this point, but God will always pursue us with an unrelentless love, to get to where He wants us to be. Thank you Moriah, you are such a blessing.
Thank you Trudy and Lacey for sharing your stories! I’m praying for you both, and know that God is holding His arms open, for us to come to Him! “God will always pursue us…” So very true, and what hope we have in that! 🙂
As “good”kids I think we struggle with releasing our guilt more than some, but the Lord’s forgiveness is for all of us and is complete when we lay our sins at His feet. Thank you for the wonderful reminder, Moriah. I’m glad you found freedom from that memory that haunted you. Blessings.
Wow! Thank you. I have a similar story… At age eight (in the Summer of 1966), I joined a couple of my young cousins who were tossing small rocks off a rock pile in my Aunts’s backyard… I wasn’t looking where I was tossing, and I inadvertently tossed one and it hit my youngest cousin who was about five and climbing around on the rock pile at the time. He started to scream and I got spanked hard by my folks even though it was an accident. I find myself still feeling guilty, (and angry because it was an accident and no one cared when I got spanked until I cried) and apologizing to him at family gatherings 48 years later…. It’s finally time to forgive myself, forget about it and let it go… (By the way, he’s now a famous Child Psychologist near San Francisco, CA… He says he has no memory of the incident!)
I am so thankful that you acknowledged, and have given yourself to receive, the Lord’s forgiveness! I cringe however at the phrase “forgive yourself”! This phrase adopted by the world, and parts of the Christian world, does not adequately communicate God’s forgiveness. This is an age when many are searing their consciences, and using such phrases to do it.
To your point; to reject God’s forgiveness is to slap Him in the face, and to say, “My ability to sin is greater than Your ability to forgive.”
These are the words I received from the Lord on a memorable day like yours. I hope this helps in your, and our; ability to communicate His Love!
Your brother in Christ Jesus,
Paul Westberg
Beautifully written post! Women have a harder time, I think, than men forgiving themselves. Every mistake I make haunts me. I hear the evil one saying “stupid, dumb, not good enough”. I need to stop listening to those words and hear The Lord saying “Beautiful, smart, good enough”.
Thanks for writing!