When we pulled in the driveway, I saw a blue bird flit across the yard, the crispy grass a perfect backdrop. I noticed how good the sunshine is and how good it is to see life in contrast. I spent weeks in the hospital with my little baby who is one year old but the size of a 6 month old. My milk and all the food wasn’t enough, but there were good things stacked in the mail and tomatoes to eat here before going bad.
Before we left for the hospital, I felt somehow that I might be in shock. The words “Failure to Thrive” and “Starvation Mode” in association with my own child, those words don’t move me like my brain is telling me they should. Isaac is yelling from way up in the tree, and Jude runs in screaming “Emergency! Emergency!” I go out to see my oldest floating in brittle vines about 3 stories over my head. I shake all over and talk him down. Suddenly I fear they’ll slip through my hands like water. What of the time we have; what am I making of it? And yet, peace like a river. I do have that peace like a river.
We live in a realm that we can see, the realm where synapses fire and connections are made. In the seen nerves get shot, puppies bark all night, we run out of money, and children get sick. Here we file in pews and respond with appropriate gestures. We all do our very best to make it in the fragile seen places. And then there is this other place, this place of the unseen – the secret place of prayer, of richness, and of safe deep-unto-deep.
Often we say that we wouldn’t survive if _________ happened. I’m learning that we can give the Holy Spirit more credit than that. Often we like to think we know how we would act in a given situation, but the truth is that we don’t. News that your baby is cratering can give you the feeling that all is at storm, but your boat is calm.
We’re not in the clear, here in the seen, this world of trouble. Jesus himself said so. But He said He’s overcome the world. So there’s a place we go, even when we fail to not be anxious and when our pinched nerves are flaring up – there’s a place we go where Jesus can look back on this earth in past, present, and future tense. We sit outside of time with Him a little, and I look at my babies and our generational struggles, and I know we are overcomers in a troubled world.
That’s why it’s okay to not be okay sometimes. His peace river is trenched low-down deep, and we dredge there in sorrow. That’s where we find that Jesus is the very best friend.
photo from weheartit
By: Amber Haines, TheRunaMuck
Leave a Comment
Amy Hunt says
Amber, you’re so right. We don’t just know Jesus because we go to church or because we study Him. We know Him through the experiences He allows in our life. Those powerful places where He longs for us to know His peace. Praying you that peace, friend. That richness of peace that only He can give.
Amber Haines says
Yes, Amy. Thank you so much.
Stacey says
I am continuing to learn over & over that My friendship with Jesus can be enough <3 Faith is tattooed on my wrist as a reminder to:
F-antastic
A-dventure
I-n
T-rusting
H-im
Simply Living By Faith,
Stacey :o]
Amber Haines says
Love it, Stacey.
Becca: exile fertility says
This is so honest and beautiful. Thank you. Your post gives me courage to keep bearing children and confessing hope in this spinning world.
Amber Haines says
Ha! Oh mercy, Becca, yes to keep bearing children takes courage indeed. Thank you for reading here. 🙂
Steph says
Thank you for your honest and refreshing words. I’ve been praying for you and your son and your family.
Amber Haines says
Thank you so much, Steph.
Beth says
This is where I am today; where we are, my husband and I. Lots of talking to Jesus in the deep-unto-deep places, lots of storms raging yet our boat can be calm. We are learning that through these tempests that seem to come one right after the other, that Jesus is in our boat. That even though it’s tough right now, we are definitely not alone. Heavens no. And whatever He’s doing, it’s for reasons and purposes that couldn’t be accomplished if He didn’t do this with us for a season.
Here’s the good news; He’s not on land wishing us well. He’s at the helm steering our craft through the ominous waves. And for this I am eternally grateful.
Amber Haines says
Oh how I love this: “He’s not on land wishing us well. He’s at the helm steering our craft through the ominous waves. “
Kayla Aimee says
Amen. I think it’s when we’re in the desolate, desperate place that we know the complete fullness of His peace.
Amber Haines says
Yes, and Amen right back to you.
Lore Ferguson says
When I first moved to Dallas, a hot holy mess, I moved for a church, because I heard that it was a place that welcomed hot holy messes. The first words I heard from the front, and heard them every week for a year, “We’re okay if you’re not okay,” resonated and set something free inside of me.
I listened to those words every day, said them to myself until I was really okay to not be okay.
And then I started listening to the rest of the sentence, “…but we’re not okay if you stay that way.” And soon, slowly but surely, I began to see the light of God through the hot mess, the faithfulness to His name, the goodness of His character.
Those words set people free. Thanks for writing them.
Amber Haines says
I love that you mention here the rest of the sentence. Thank you for sharing this.
Shelly Miller says
Sitting in my boat in that river, praying for you over here. Your words lead to place of seeing beauty in all the places of life. Him standing on shore and smiling over all of it.
Amber Haines says
Thank you for praying Shelly.
Behind The Smile says
It’s okay not to be okay, I really needed to hear that today-thank you. Sometimes things are just out of our control no matter how hard we try or if we do all the right things. I pray for you and your baby, leaving you both in God’s safe hands. God Bless.
Amber Haines says
I needed to hear it again today, too. 🙂
Bethany LeBedz says
I love this post – just what I needed for this week!! My question is why is it so difficult for others to acknowledge/validate my “not ok” moments? I feel like a bad Christian, wife, mom, friend, etc. when I’m falling down the cliff in search of river of peace. And I feel like everyone else just stands at the top of the cliff shouting encouragements such as, “Just trust God; you need more faith; things aren’t that bad; can’t you be more cheerful?”
Amber Haines says
My husband and I have been talking a lot about exactly what you just said. Sometimes faith is in the waiting, in not feeling it, and in losing it because you know you can’t do it. I’m there right now.
ro.elliott says
beautiful…when nothing else can hold us except Jesus… when there is no light in the darkness but His…there is where He does become our very best Friend. I continue to pray for you and your family…blessings as you continue to find rest in your Best Friends arms.
Amber Haines says
thank you so much ro.
Deb says
Thank you for this today… I think God had you write this just for me.
Blessings on the journey~
Amber Haines says
oh Deb. It’s funny because we write these posts a good bit in advance. This one was for me today, too. 🙂
Tracy says
Loved reading this….so true! Thank you Jesus!
Amber Haines says
Yes! Thank you, Jesus.
Brittany says
“Often we say that we wouldn’t survive if _________ happened. I’m learning that we can give the Holy Spirit more credit than that. Often we like to think we know how we would act in a given situation, but the truth is that we don’t. News that your baby is cratering can give you the feeling that all is at storm, but your boat is calm.”
My brother was killed in a car accident when I was fifteen. Everyone asked, how are you making it through? EVERYONE asked my momma everything. And this past weekend I attended the funeral of a three year old. And his momma was praising God for letting her have that baby. And I remember saying, “I can’t even imagine…” My family survived that and STILL. I can’t even imagine. You’re right- we can give the Holy Spirit more credit than that.
Praying for your little guy and your spirit and your clan.
Amber Haines says
Brittany, WHOA. This is amazing truth. We never ask to experience such pain, but there really gratitude there. THank you so much for praying.
beckie says
Really beautiful. Thank you for sharing your heart.
Amber Haines says
Thanks or reading here, Beckie.
Lizzy says
thank you, thank you, thank you. I’ve been sitting here bawling my eyes out in my ‘not okayness’. I’m certain that God is at work though. I turned on my computer to just ‘get it all out’ (I think I see a blog post forming). I need to look up some bible passages and so I’m on the internet. I see your post. I am encouraged. Bless you!
Lori says
Thank you. <3
Genevieve @ Turquoise Gates says
“We sit outside of time with Him a little, and I look at my babies and our generational struggles, and I know we are overcomers in a troubled world. That’s why it’s okay to not be okay sometimes. His peace river is trenched low-down deep, and we dredge there in sorrow. That’s where we find that Jesus is the very best friend.”
For the suffering of this time, while very small and swift, prepares us great glory without limits for the eternity of eternities. (2 Cor 4:17) Your troubles loom large and long within the confines of our time and space continuum, yet you are willing to step outside the limits of this human existence to sit with Christ on the edge of eternity in the river of His blood. You’ve grasped what many theologians and great thinkers have failed to…how suffering pairs us indelibly with Christ, how we forevermore walk shoulder-to-shoulder with Him under the weight of the Cross yet with the lift of Grace freeing us from gravity’s stanchions.
How beloved it is to trod the road of suffering with people like you, with eyes to see and ears to hear, and a voice to proclaim! Preach it, sister.
Teri @ StumblingAroundInTheLight says
Sometimes the life-of-more is born from long-suffering the lesser-life.
I sit in Denver Children’s Hospital and wait thru yet another round of tests & appts for my firstborn son. Years of praying for healing. Years of hope, and heartbreak. So many surgeries, so much suffering. And yet…he is, as HE is…all glory.
Strength, endurance, faith, hope, gratitude, courage. Now a lanky, driving, blogging, running, miracle of a man-boy.
Ongoing trials that ever-shine God’s glory within him.
I wouldn’t wish it on any parent. Oh, but I wouldn’t trade it either.
(Amber if you wanna read a bit of our boy’s story – and hopefully find some hope, empathy, & encouragement – http://freeagentmommy.typepad.com/blog/2011/02/the-caleb-miracle-part-one.html)
Laura says
Thank you for truths I needed to be reminded of today.
Ann says
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Amber, esp. about focusing on the unseen. I’ve prayed about that recently, so hard to do for us mortals but truly as you put it, the Place of Peace with Jesus.
Our son was born with cancer that was discovered when he was 6 months old. My refuge became John 9 where Jesus’ disciples asked him regarding the man born blind, “Who sinned, this man or his parents that he was born blind?” and Jesus responded, “Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.” That became my prayer even as I struggled to accept God’s will for our son. He’s now 25.
That will be my prayer for your precious son as well.
Ann Kroeker says
Your journey supports your claims with such poignant power…thank you, Amber, for turning the key, opening the door, and inviting us into your heart. When we step inside, you let us see Who is on the throne.
Carolyn says
I think we can so easily underestimate the power of ourselves and the Holy Spirit when we say, “I couldn’t cope with….” or “I can’t cope now with…” and we cut ourselves and the Spirit short…which then makes it hard to access the Spirit to have peace to be in that space. We then actually can’t cope…when we have expectations of doing it in a certain way or not at all…it’s so incredible that this is our problem, but NOT God’s problem…He doesn’t need us to cope in a certain way, or even at all…merely to rest in his comfort and strength…and then we can sit in the pain for just this minute, and then the next, and the next…because of Him.
Emily says
Thank you for sharing the impossible reality of peace amid the storm. In my own life, I keep trying to pin down with words the depth of grace I experience as I walk through our own trials. No, things are not ok, the creation groans but the reality of Him, His impossible love is more than enough. It is a paradox. Thank you for putting into words my experience.
Hannah says
I was really worried that our dr would give our son that label. While he was a slow gainer (and still is) he is extremely healthy and overly active. Turns out our peds office was using the incorrect chart so all of their encouragement to “feed him more” was actually incorrect. Do the drs have any idea what is happening? I know you posted there are a number of allergy issues at play. I am guessing you need prayers in the drs direction that they find the wisdom and knowledge to determine what is going on with Titus.
Marni Gallerneault (@LMarni) says
Thanks so much for sharing. I love the reminder that Jesus already has won the victory and we can rest in Him. I also love your point about not underestimating the Holy Spirit. I’ve often thought if something seriously happened to my son, I’d lose it, so this was a much needed light-bulb moment!
mandie says
I’ve been there- in that situation I said I couldn’t -and would’t- recover from or survive.
I’m still here. Different and changed, but the holy spirit does quicken and strengthen us when we don’t see how it could be possible. You have to keep living your new life- this one you thought you’d never have. And it can be good too.
Modupe says
” And yet, peace like a river. I do have that peace like a river.”
“I’m learning that we can give the Holy Spirit more credit than that.”
Yes. Simply beautiful. Brings tears because this reminds me that I have a blessed assurance that all is well because He has the whole world in his hands.
Beth Willliams says
Amber,
Praying for your son and family. May God’s grace & mercy surround during this trial!
I, too, believe that if we just let Jesus do His work in us through the Holy Spirit we could endure anything this old world has to give! Through Christ we are more than conquerors!
Miriam @ a Rearranged Life says
Oh yes!!!! The ideal life is not the easy life!! I’m so glad He’s working in us-creating these cracks and crevasses for His light and peace to shine through!
Miriam @ a Rearranged Life says
Oh yes!!!! “The ideal life is not the easy life!!” I’m so glad He’s working in us-creating these cracks and crevasses for His light and peace to shine through!
Diana Trautwein says
What is it with okay? Why does anyone ever think that they ARE okay? We’re all ‘hot messes’ as Lore so beautifully put it up above. I think maybe the truest salvation comes when we acknowledge that and learn more and more about leaning into that river of peace despite our oh-so-not-okay-ness. Thank you, Amber, for modeling that so beautifully for all of us. It IS okay not to be okay – why else would be need our Savior? Life is filled with mystery – some of it beautiful, some of it horrific. Just admitting that much can start us on the road toward the river. Praying you feel that current carrying you through whatever comes, sweetheart.
Women Health − Why It?s Okay to Not be Okay says
[…] Source: https://aws.incourage.me/2012/08/why-its-okay-to-not-be-okay.html […]
Jeanne Damoff says
“Often we say that we wouldn’t survive if _________ happened. I’m learning that we can give the Holy Spirit more credit than that.”
Yes. Yes and yes. We landed smack in the middle of that blank when our first born nearly drowned at 15 and lay in a coma in ICU. The doctors said, “no hope,” and the ground beneath our feet crumbled, but grace met us there. God and His mysterious, indescribable grace met us there. And, like you, I learned through that long valley of lost dreams that the reason we think we won’t survive tragedy is because we can’t imagine grace into it. Grace defies imagination.
You are tasting grace, and that is actually much, much better than simply being “okay.” May the Lord hold your Titus, and may you know with unshakable certainty that not one word He has spoken concerning your precious child will fail, but all will be brought to pass. Peace to you and your sweet family. Grace and peace that pass understanding.
Simply Darlene says
and to tag onto miss Jeanne’s beauty-filled comment…
He gives us grace as we need it – not before – but at the moment we need it.
imperfect prose says
i think of you so very often, friend. and i know God`s got his arms wrapped tight around you. and praising him for 15 ounces gained!
Simply Darlene says
That you noticed the little blue flowers He bloomed and ate the fruit He provided shows your recognition and acceptance of the beauty in the troubled world.
Continued prayers.
Blessings.