Last night, I screamed at my daughter, consoled myself with a handful of M&Ms and a huge bowl of cereal (the sugary kind I hide in the pantry), and ended the night by skimming through 11 chapters of Psalms to catch up on my Bible reading plan. I went to sleep mentally drafting an apology email for one of the many deadlines I’ve missed recently and wishing desperately for a cleaning fairy to take care of the kitchen full of dirty dishes just down the hall. And did I mention that, for the millionth night in a row, I did not step on my treadmill (despite the 5K a mere two weeks away)?
Some days, I really can’t get anything right.
But these things, these little things that aren’t actually life-altering or -ending, are infinitely easier to confess and address than the more serious transgressions I face in rare moments of honest reflection. It’s easy – especially when I’m busy putting out fires and doing damage control for all those little things I mentioned – to ignore the pings of conscience and Holy Spirit, to sweep my sin under the rug, to simply avoid the truth of my soul.
It’s easier to ignore it, after all. Who likes to be reminded of her mistakes? Who is comfortable facing her failures? In the moment when we come face to face with our deepest failings, it’s tempting to look away, to move on, to pretend like that clarity never happened. Isn’t it?
I’m reminded of the way I trained myself to play the piano when I was an accompanist several years ago. When you’re the back-up music behind a soloist or group of performers, you aren’t supposed to make any mistakes. And if, heaven forbid, you do mess up, you’re supposed to do everything you can to avoid drawing attention to your clumsy fingers.
Don’t make a face. Don’t over-correct and hit more wrong keys. And whatever you do, don’t stop.
As an accompanist, I learned the art of covering up my mistakes and carrying on as if nothing had happened. However, by not acknowledging the mistake and correcting it, I often learned the piece of music incorrectly. So instead of covering up the wrong note and moving on, I drilled the wrong note into my head and hands and proceeded to make the same mistake every time I played.
Somewhere along the way, I’ve adopted this same habit for the mistakes I make in life.
Don’t show emotion. Don’t try too hard to fix it. And whatever you do, don’t stop.
See, I think that’s the key (no piano pun intended!). When we don’t take time to stop and reflect on our hearts and our choices what God might be trying to tell us, we can’t grow. Painful as it may be to fully admit our failures and come to God and those we’ve hurt on bended knee to beg forgiveness, we must do it. We can’t joke our way out of it or blame our way out of it or cross our fingers and hope-they-never-notice-what-we-did our way out of it.
Maybe this is an easy discipline for you. Perhaps you’re completely comfortable admitting your missteps and taking full responsibility for the damage you’ve caused. But for me, as a barely recovering perfectionist, this is so hard.
Even though I write and talk about giving up on perfect, I still find myself believing that while I may not be perfect, I’m pretty close. I try so hard and I’m a good girl and I do all these things and – BAM! It’s right about then that I get smacked in the face with a realization or confrontation about some way I have failed big time. And finding out I’m not doing so great, that I’ve fallen short, to feel it in my gut like a pile of bricks? It can be devastating to this not-so-recovered perfectionist.
And that’s where the growing pains come in. In the past several months, my eyes have been opened several times to something significant I’ve done wrong or not understood or simply didn’t know. Each time, I’ve struggled with accepting my need to grow because to grow means to admit I wasn’t perfect before. But until I stop and acknowledge my need for growth (or repentance or change), I’m going to keep making those same mistakes over and over.
Change is hard. But it’s so necessary and, in the end, well worth it. In the meantime, though, growing can be painful.
Have you ever experienced these kind of growing pains? How do you deal with the realization that you need to grow or change? Is it hard for you to face your failures head on, fully enough to really deal with them?
Leave a Comment
Kristin Smith says
Beautiful post Mary – I can so very much relate!! It is so hard to give up the need to be perfect and accept that we are beautiful, imperfect people that thankfully have grace to cover those imperfect places!
Alissa says
I have those moments all the time. Most of the time I have them when I’m directly in the middle of basking in my own rightness (yes, I believe I made up a word).
Mary Carver says
Girl, you go ahead and make up words, because basking in our own rightness describes this mess perfectly!
Lisa says
I used to be that way. Oh how I was frustrated with myself when things weren’t perfect or work out perfectly. But, I learned that I have to offer myself grace. It wasn’t an easy thing to learn, but a patient Father taught me that if He the perfect one can offer me forgiveness, then I MUST do the same for myself. It still hard sometimes, but then I reflect on the lesson He taught me and it becomes a little bit easier.
Shane says
I find that if Im not willing to change God will place me in the middle of my own personal crisis! Then there’s no way out other than making positive changes! I try to be a very transparent person. I share my woes and my short comings (maybe too much) often. That then allows me to share the grace offered by my sweet Savior!
Fiona says
Yes – this is me – struggling with the recovery after God performs heart surgery. One particular struggle I have is how much to show my kids what my struggles are and how God is dealing with me, changing me….from the inside out…..and how much to keep it private. We are all works in progress though. Thank you Mary for this post!
Mary Carver says
Fiona, I love that word picture. “Struggling with recovery after God performs heart surgery” is the perfect way to put it! Deciding what to share with our kids is one I hadn’t thought of yet, because my kiddo is only four, but it makes sense. I anticipate that being a thin line to walk at times.
Beth Williams says
Those moments come all to often for me–especially at work. Some days at work I feel nothing can go right for me–I even ask God why am I still here–why not give me a different job where I’m happy & content?
In the midst of all this I find Him trying to mold me & make me realize what I have & not what I don’t. Perhaps through prayer I can admit to my faults, failures & good attributes–I usually only focus on the bad ones & come to grips with trying to bloom where He has planted me!
Linda says
Thanks for giving me lots to think about, I can truly relate and will be keeping your wise words in my heart as I go about my day.
shadowwonder says
Oh, I can so relate to your description of the struggle to mother perfectly, and of how much “easier” it is to just keep pounding through the day’s assigned music, oblivious to the melody . . . . . Thanks for the reminder to pause, to confess, to receive forgiveness, and to play with real joy.
Blessings to you this day!
Mary Carver says
Playing with real joy is only possible when we truly accept His grace, isn’t it? I love your words here. Thank you.
Sherry says
Thank you for your post today. I struggle with trying to be perfect and to make my life and my kids be as I want and expect. However, much as turned out differently than I expected and hoped — not badly always, just differently. I struggle not only to accept my life and self now, but also to not blame myself for the differences and bad things. I appreciate hearing you admit that you have made mistakes, for it makes it easier to accept my own mistakes.
Mary Carver says
You know what I love? I love the way God so often takes our wishes and expectations and turns them on our heads by giving us something so different, yet so wonderful, that we never could have imagined. And sure, we make mistakes along the way (who doesn’t!?), but He’s using all of those things to weave His perfect story for our lives!
Kerry @ Made For Real says
Thanks, Mary! Isn’t it comforting to know we’re not alone in this?!!
Mary Carver says
Yes, ma’am! Sometimes it’s the only thing that keeps me going!
Holley says
Preach it, sister. This is so good and true and encouraging. I can definitely relate!
wanda says
Of course! I have them everyday. Thankfully, the people in my life understand….I need a do-over and love me in spite!
I blogged just today about cleaning up what doesn’t belong in my life.
It’s an every day event!
Carolyn says
Mary, thanks for your post. I fall into a similar trap, either I overlook my failings or I focus so heavily upon my failings that I become a martyr. I am not entirely sure how to keep perspective and to get out of this trap. When I focus on them too much, I lose confidence and make even more mistakes. When I don’t focus on them enough, I get overconfident and move on with my life without considering others enough. I pray everyday for help with the balance and I fall short every day. This is a big frustration for me right now. I feel like a total failure.
Thank you for talking openly about this issue. Blessings!
Mary Carver says
I think you’ve nailed it, Carolyn – the only thing we can do is pray. I don’t know your circumstances or specific challenges, but I know you’re aren’t a failure. Hang in there. God made you, and He loves you, no matter what failings you see when you look in the mirror!!
SarahJane says
Oh Mary, I so much related to the example of accompanying a vocalist on the piano. I honestly think I might have skimmed right over the message of your post if you hadn’t used that analogy. As a recovering perfectionist myself, I know what it’s like to just carry on – mistakes don’t bother you, and in fact become so buried or ignored that you can pretend they never happened. Because perfectionists don’t make mistakes.
I’m living through a season right now where I have my mistakes shoved in my face so that I can no longer ignore them and it.is.hard. I don’t want to look at them. I don’t want to respond with emotion – because that would be to admit that they are there. And changing my behavioural patterns feels like announcing to the world that I was wrong. God won’t let me off the hook this time, though. I’ll never be able to play the song correctly if I keep ignoring this.
Thank you for your words. I needed to hear them today.
Mary Carver says
“Because perfectionists don’t make mistakes.” Ohhhhh, isn’t it true that we feel that way? Or is it that we believe others feel that way? I can’t speak for you, obviously, but I think that plays a part in my perfectionism. Thank you for sharing your heart; you’ve given me a lot to think about!
Miriam @ a Rearranged Life says
oh yes! Growing pains just last week….learning to enjoy vacation…how rotten is that? http://arearrangedlife.com/2012/07/17/vacation-happiness/
Darlene says
Thank you for this! Wow, as a beautiful broken mess who is relying on Jesus to clean her up, I have realized that there were many things I just kept on going, never looking to see if things needed to be fixed. Now? I am realizing that I’m okay in my brokenness as He is using the lessons of my past to ensure I have the future He has planned out for me.
Lisa-Jo@thegypsymama says
I’ll never get over how much I love your honesty Mary. I love how you maintain your ‘realness’ even through a computer screen. It’s a powerful thing, my friend. You are a gift.
Lisa-Jo
Growing Pains — Giving Up on Perfect says
[…] To read the rest of this post, visit (in)courage. (And, by the way, I highly recommend reading through the comments over there, too. I used a music metaphor in the rest of my post, and some of the commenters over there had great insights using that same analogy. [Yes, I just used "metaphor" and "analogy" interchangeably. Don't judge me.]) […]
colleen laquay urbaniuk says
as strange as it sounds, part of this post reminded me about how i deal with the death of my parents. “Don’t show emotion. Don’t try too hard to fix it. And whatever you do, don’t stop.” my mom died when i was 6 and i grew up pretending it didn’t bother me. that it didn’t matter. i guess it was a combination of wanting to fit in and not wanting to stick out. no one else had a dead mother (yes, i know that sounds harsh, but that’s how i deal with it. as if being cold makes it less painful) and i certainly didn’t want to be the only one. i just wanted to be normal. and so no emotion, no trying to fix it, and no stopping, just moving on.
when my dad, my hero, died 11 years ago, i was an adult, and dealing with his death was something i have yet to do. because somehow the denial of it helps the pain. somehow the blocking out helps me to go on. and so i never stop long enough to think about it. really think about it. oh, i surface think. i temporarily pause. but i never stop long enough to let who i am catch up to who i prefer to be.
“Don’t show emotion. Don’t try too hard to fix it. And whatever you do, don’t stop”.
yeah, that’s me.
LaDonna says
Your post is enlightening, helping to reveal a need for change – thank you. I was beginning to think of myself as some sort of victim but you’ve replaced that thought (just in the nick of time) with the reminder that I do indeed have control to face situations and make changes. Perfection is not an option, but simple action certainly is. Reading over these comments here has reminded me I am not the only one feeling this way; and there’s strength in numbers. Thank you, Mary, for sharing this!
Gianna says
YES! I can counsel my friends so easily to trust in the fact that God’s grace covers our imperfections and to know that we are imperfect and embrace who God created us to be. Then, I get off the phone and think about everything I still need to get right to be perfect.
Thank you for these thoughts!