We’ve moved back to the Rock House, and our den here is blinding in the mornings, sun pouring in. This used to be Grandma and Grandpa’s home, and now it’s ours, outlined in hot pink azaleas and wild poppies in the Spring. Now books line the shelf where Grandma’s dolls used to be. Now four boys rattle the walls, the sixth generation of Haines to live here.
I’m unpacking boxes here again, holding what dishes I didn’t sell up to the light. We had simplified down to an apartment and aimed to be givers after cancelling an adoption (my dream of baby girl). We wanted to open ourselves to God and turn away from the comfort levels we had come to know.
We were opening ourselves to Africa, specifically Ethiopia, wanted to know how to serve her. We were opening ourselves to close-knit community, neighbors’ children knocking on our door just as the baby drifts to sleep. We were opening ourselves to the world, ready to sacrifice, condense, and move.
And then I got pregnant with my fourth son, and another son needed therapy, and our dear friends (our close community) moved to another location.
Things have a way of changing, scales a way of falling from eyes. God’s grace can wreck what it is we think we’re doing here. Over and over again in 2011, I had a plan. And my plan always, mercifully, seemed a knee-slapper to God.
Tomorrow is the first day of 2012, and I’ll wake up at home, to relief, and four boys will roll around like puppies. Something will break. I’ll make an extra pot of coffee in the afternoon, and I’ll call my sister, again, and say, “we’ve had three bloody noses today, and I had to climb a tree to get Jude down!”
I’ve yet to unpack the box with my husband’s photos from Mozambique, how I framed for him the trip and the people that changed (saved?) our lives. I forget sometimes about the tattoo on my back, the one with part of the Ethiopian flag. After a shower, I’ll catch a glimpse of it in the mirror. Broken dreams are always building blocks for new dreams, so Seth leaves for Ethiopia in three weeks.
And this time, I’m trying not to have a plan. I only know that God is with us, and it’s never what we think, and that things will fall apart, and that even then, especially then, it’s ok.
What are your dreams for this next year? As you see them shift, change, and redirect, stake this claim today:
“Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine,according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be the glory […]” (Ephesians 3:21-21).
Amanda aSweetLifeRocks says
Wow! This beautifully written post really ministered to me. Amber, your humility and honesty is very powerful. Thank you.
Amanda
Amber@theRunaMuck says
Thank you, Amanda.
VHiggins says
<3 <3 <3
Thank you for being so open Amber. This spoke to my heart more deeply than I can say.
Amber@theRunaMuck says
Thanks for reading here today. 🙂
Jackie says
I love this. Everything about how we plan and yet God has better plans we didn’t foresee. I love that you are raising your kids in your Grandma’s home and love how you wrote of those little mommy moments. I love that your post is making me think about my dreams for the next year and how we may set some goals, but keeping in mind the Lord’s will always.
Amber@theRunaMuck says
So many times, Jackie, I’m just floating through. God is so merciful to remind me to crave Him. I’ve been thinking a lot bout chasing dreams. What does that even mean, you know?
Brittnie (A Joy Renewed) says
What a testimony. Thank you for sharing and for inspiring your readers!
Amber@theRunaMuck says
Thanks for reading here today, Brittnie! 🙂
Paula B. says
Yes, you write very eloquently, from an honest place. A timely article for me to read. Sometimes I think our journey is as much about others as it is about ourselves. Appreciate what you have shared with us, giving me a needed boost this last morning of the old year.
Amber@theRunaMuck says
I love thinking about how God’s original design was a whole completed beautiful thing, how he’ll restore the whole one day – not just me.
Thanks for reading here today, Paula!
kendal says
oh amber, you make me laugh and read aloud to my husband so he can chuckle. and you help me see that i don’t have to carry the burden of a plan or of plans gone awry. thank you. and for how long will seth be away?
Amber@theRunaMuck says
Kendal, you’re the best.
Seth will be gone for 2 weeks! Ahhhhhhhh!
kendal says
it’s tough when they are gone. my husband travels for wycliffe bible translators, but my kids are older, so it’s more of a lonliness for me. not lonliness plus the insanity of four young boys….so wish i could come hold that baby!
Lisa H says
Planning was what I did best! Or so I thought…I’ve learned over the years that planning has really just gotten me in trouble in my mind. God has THE plan not me. That was hard to accept, still is at times. I’ve also learned its okay for me to ‘dream’ about things but I can’t fixate on them as a ‘plan’ for me if that makes sense. I can dream about it but I have to leave it in God’s hands to formulate into a plan if its going to become my reality. I can’t make it happen. I’m okay with that right now.
My dream for 2012 is to meet a man who makes my life even more enjoyable. I want to be in a long term, committed, loving, respectful relationship with a godly man. I have someone in mind that I would love for that to be with but God gently reminds me, no, its not him. At least not right now, could that change? Maybe if God says so! But he is a wonderful friend.
My dream for 2010 and 2011 never came to fruition. God has a reason. I wanted so despirately to sell my condo and move me and my kids closer to our church and into a house, in a neighborhood, with a yard, etc. etc. etc. The economy didn’t help matters much and we only had 4 people look in a matter of about 8 months. Its been off the market one year now and I am okay with being here without all those things I wanted. I pray the market will turn around someday soon and I will be able to eventually sell. I really would love to be in ahouse again so I can have a yard and a neighborhood.
2012 will be a great year because I am going into it without an agenda! I’m just going to see what each day holds!
Beth Williams says
Lisa,
Praying that God will bring a wonderful, Christian man into your life this year. Praying also that your condo can sell & you can get that house for your kids!
May God bless you and give you an awesome 2012!
Amber@theRunaMuck says
Thank you so much for sharing this, Lisa. I keep learning so much about waiting. Sheesh, it’s not easy. I agree with Beth’s prayer for you here. But in the meantime, I pray that it ain’t so mean, that you’ll overflow with gratitude and be blessed in how you minister now.
Passionista At Large says
You expressed so honestly the whole “we plan, God laughs” idea. I like thinking of God slapping His knee in laughter at our antics. At least we continue to provide Him with worthy material!! 🙂
I too have experienced this. I say that God is pretty sneaky…He allows us to follow the desires of our hearts–the best that we know them, then takes us into His plan. Case in point…I always had a passion for infants. Had never birthed one, chose not to, never desired to birth my own–really. (long story, for another day). So, I got my foster license, believing I was going to be the “in between” person from the hospital to the adoptive parents for many infants. Yes, tough on the heart, but a calling I felt I was designed for. Have the babies for three weeks, pray over them, nurture them, and then send them off much more spiritually healthy to their famailies.
Well, like I said, God had other plans. He got me into place by becoming a foster mom. THEN he placed Martel, a five month old weighing less than 8 pounds, who had been so neglected and starved that our pediatrician later told me she didn’t know if we could save him.
That summer I held him almost constantly (he came to us on the last day of my school year–I was teaching second grade). Let me drastically shorten the story–at age 50 I adopted him AND another little girl. Whew, it has been pretty rough, but here I am looking 60 in the face, the kids are 11 and 12, and I am still going strong. It has totally changed who I am and my vision for the future. Only way I can describe it is “The Great Adventure of Life”. Never know what’s around the corner.
Amber@theRunaMuck says
AMAZING! This blows my mind.
Seth and I were actually in the process of entering the foster care system when we got pregnant this last time. We just knew we’d be foster parents! Ha!
I love that you shared here. Thank you so much.
Passionista At Large says
Sorry, forgot to proof-read. I never finished my sentence…God placed Martel in our family as a foster child. I’m sure you figured that out, but can’t stand unfinished business. lol
Christy says
So powerful Amber & so real. Thank you for this refreshing, Godly take on the year behind and the year ahead and who is truly paving the paths.
Amber@theRunaMuck says
We’re just along for the ride, huh?
Jenny says
What a beautiful reminder that God sees the big picture and knows what is best for us? I will carry this into 2012! Thank you!
Amber@theRunaMuck says
Ha! You know, I guess God IS the big picture. Thanks for reading here today, Jenny.
Ashley says
Amber, I love your word songs. And your questions – I so appreciate your questions. One of my hopes this year is to be more comfortable sitting with the questions, the I-don’t-knows with a heart of faith and joy.
Amber@theRunaMuck says
That is so right on, Ashley. We’re learning this, too.
Deb Martell says
“God’s grace can wreck what it is we think we’re doing here.” Brilliant!!
Amber@theRunaMuck says
Ha! Well thanks, Deb.
Fran says
Absolutely beautifully written and perfectly timed for me. Thank you so much! I pray we all find much joy and peace as we travel through this next year trusting that we are exactly where we should be. I pray to see clearly if He chooses a new path….whether for a day or a season. Just let me walk in His will with joy.
Blessings from TN,
Fran
Amber@theRunaMuck says
I agree, Fran. Amen.
Becca says
Amber, we too experienced similar feelings. Doing the things we felt God wanted, then having nothing work out, at least not in our definitions of working out. I’ve been so frustrated and confused, wondering if we heard Him wrong or had a misstep along the way. I still don’t understand. But honestly, just hearing that you’ve been in the same place brings comfort. Love you guys!
Amber@theRunaMuck says
For some reason when I read this on my phone this morning, it made me cry. I love knowing that you’re right down the road – like some of our best friends that we don’t get to see (like at all, but whatever).
Thank you for this.
Charina @Pondered Thoughts says
Amber, thank you for the blessings of this post….
All good things…
Amber@theRunaMuck says
Thank you, Charina. 🙂
Amanda Williams says
So beautiful – – the post above and the faith and love it expresses. I can feel that sunlight pouring in.
My dream for 2012 is to just go slow. To allow my hopes to be bigger than my to-do list. To allow my plans to be thwarted and my days to make little sense to those looking in from the outside.
Here’s to all that He will do in 2012 – in spite of us and our plans. Happy New Year to you and those sweet boys.
Amber@theRunaMuck says
I totally agree with this – just to go slow. Goodness, I need help in that.
Beth Spencer says
Again, I am reminded that God’s plan for my life is so much better than mine. Thank you for reminding me that even through all the arguments of six children and the broken things God is still God and the work that we are doing is important. We are mothers and wives on the front lines and often we don’t see the rewards, but every so often we are remined that we serve God by loving and taking care of our family.
Amber@theRunaMuck says
Beth, yes, His plan is better. I think I’m finding though that I don;t have to strive and strive to know what His plan is. I want to just rest and do what the next thing is.
Thank you for this comment.
Shelly Miller says
I love the not having a plan at all. Open hands, open heart, no preconceived ideas about how God will work it all out. Just patient, thankful for every day loving Him is what I want for 2012. Blessings to you as you set up a new home, build new community, take care of all those boys while he is away. (I’ve done that too, only Rwanda!) Just love your voice Amber.
Amber@theRunaMuck says
Rwanda?! Amazing. Thank you for blessing me.
Libby says
Something similar happened to our family last year. We were headed back to the mission field after a time of rest and were planning towards a year that would be new and fresh and different and yet the same. God shook us up with the changes He brought and so this year as I head into 2012 I feel much more like you. I love what you said “I only know that God is with us”. It seems to me that I need to just hang on for dear live to truths like that and not worry about what God’s plan might be or was, but instead hang onto him in the moment and really listen to what he wants for me now. SOO hard to do but I guess my dream for this year is that I will do that. Listen to his voice and hang on to him! 🙂 Thank you for sharing!
Fiona says
Amber, I love your heart. You are so available for God to move in and thru you. I love that.
Amber@theRunaMuck says
Thank you, Fiona. Actually that’s what I want to be. Sometimes I fear that what I write makes me sound more together than I am. Goodness knows. Sometimes God makes me open by mercifully letting what I think SHOULD happen Not happen.
Margo says
Wonderfully touching. Honest. Inspiring. Authentic. Loved it first thing this morning.
God bless you and yours in the new year.
Amber@theRunaMuck says
Bless you, Margo!
Pattie says
Thank for reminding me that He is always in control and He has a plan. It is refreshing to know that I am not the only one who thinks I have the plan for my life. I am learning to live day-by-day and listen to Him through it all. He is faithful.
Happy New Year!!
Laura@Life Overseas says
As always, I love your words, your honesty, Amber. It makes me happy to think of you settling in a home with such deep roots. What a gift that is in and of itself.
And, yes, maybe the only thing we can count on is that our plans can never really be counted on . . . true.
Happy New Year to you guys!
Jessica says
It is quite amazing how God’s plans always seem to be better than ours, huh? Blessings to you through Christ this new year!
Psalm 34:18 The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.
ananda says
Thanks Amber. We had a year where our plans failed non-stop and at the end of this year we know one thing: God knows best, ALWAYS. He is completely in control.
Strongs and thanks for your encouragement. He is our strength and we have energy only for one day.
God bless.
Lu Graf says
Amber, thanks for your vulnerability. Yes, God often has plans that are not ours. I love the verse you chose and it is one of my favorite of all time. We have had disappointments, victories and slumps in life but through it all we can see God. If not in the moment, certainly in the reflection.
I am new to incourage and look forward to being a part of this in 2012.
Happy New Year!
Lu
Southern Gal says
Yes, He knows the plans He has for us. How much better are His plans than ours! I had to get over myself many times this past year. I’m hoping to keep in focus that God is the one who is in control despite my plans. Happy new Year.
Stacey says
“I’m trying not to have a plan…” is so where I am right now.
Love this tender post Amber. Love how grace turns us upside down and right side up at the same time.
Have a blessed 2012.
Beth Williams says
Thanks for being so open & honest. The reminder that He is constantly in control and knows much better than we simple humans what is best for us.
I’m praying for another good year with my hubby, getting the house fixed up, being better Christians and perhaps, is He wills it, a new job for me!
Thank you and God Bless your family!
Kris says
Amber, this was so beautifully written. Wow. Thank you for this treasure, this realization of God’s grace in your family’s journey. What wonderful things He is doing in and through you… Praying His blessings for you all in the coming year.
imperfect prose says
thank you, dear amber. i needed this more than you know.
annette says
WOW. This truly has my name written all over it. What an inspiring article to read on the last day of the year. Thanks for sharing.
Chari says
Wow, I love this post and how open and honest you are. That despite our ‘plans’ your remember to be grateful for it all! Many blessings to you and your family for the new year!
I have so many plans that I just need to sit down and put on paper.
Keep up the wonderful Godly work! Happy New Year!
~Chari
http://www.charitsinspirationalcreations.blogspot.com
Betty Draper says
I am trying to not have a plan , emphises on “trying”. Would love to say I LOVE not being in control but I don’t…my flesh struggles against it till I get so tired….THEN I FINALLY GIVE UP and for a while walk in the freedom of giving up..knowning in my fraility I will try to take over again and…..well so glad He is a God of patience, mercy, understanding, love, patience, longsuffering, did I mention PATIENCE.
Encouraging post Amber…Happy New Year
Cynthia says
Our life looks a lot like yours, we are positioning ourselves for a major u-turn this year, out of ministry and into the real world. One that only God know. And the most encouraging thing we have been told is that it doesn’t take God by surprise. Your post has encouraged me to know I”m not alone. Thank you.
La Donna says
Wow! This is ministering to me on many levels, but also showing me I’m not alone in the dream for Africa. While in college I felt God placed a dream in my heart to go there. I married a man who shared the same desire to serve the Lord in the same capacity. We’ve been married for 8 yrs. this past Nov and we’ve only been to Africa once.
I had become so discouraged in the timing of it all that I literally told God- I’m not going. And have often concluded I’m not there yet because I’m not good enough. Then I went to Relevant. My heart was changed. I was broken again. Now I walk around with a blank piece of paper in my pocket and leaving it open for Him to write the plan down and reveal it when it’s time.
Thank you for sharing this.
Pauline says
I have four boys too! I love control. I love to plan. I am in a country now where that is harder. I too am trying to let go, and yield to the ultimate Planner.
Blessings to you.
jody mcnatt says
2011 taught me this too. after adopting our 5th child, i woke on an april morning to the words breast cancer. how could this be part of God’s perfect plan for my family of seven? had He zapped the wrong woman? wasn’t that kind of diagnosis for something with more margin and less laundry? but for the remainder of 2011 God showed how grace and goodness and mingle with something so grief bringing…so life changing. i can’t help but see this new year with new eyes. and even with new hope.
http://www.eventhesparrow843.blogspot.com/
La Donna says
Hi Jody!
My mom was diagnosed with cancer last year. When a lump was found under her armpit the initial thoughts were breast cancer, but after the test results came in the final diagnosis was Non Hodgkin Lymphoma.
I wrote a few posts about her going through chemo and miraculously found a friend who is a survivor of the same cancer my mom had. My friend even gave a guest post about a pivotal moment during the time she was going through chemo.
I would love love love for you to come by my blog and take a look. I know you’ll be encouraged. God is bigger than this moment in your life. I look forward for you to have a wonderful testimony through this!!! Blessings and big hugs!!
jody mcnatt says
2011 taught me this too. after adopting our 5th child, i woke on an april morning to the words breast cancer. how could this be part of God’s perfect plan for my family of seven? had He zapped the wrong woman? wasn’t that kind of diagnosis for something with more margin and less laundry? but for the remainder of 2011 God showed how grace and goodness and mingle with something so grief bringing…so life changing. i can’t help but see this new year with new eyes. and even with new hope.
Wellness Coach says
I really hope 2012 is the year more people turn to God and see His Grace everywhere. My wife and I are thankful we read 1000 Gifts as it really opened our eyes.
marina Bromley says
Thanks for the testimony! Lovely words of the impression He is making on your heart, your day…
Seems only God knows what will really happen…everyone’s plans change – and change US – draw us closer to Him. I think sometimes it’s the journey, the choices we want to make, and in reality He’s more interested in our willing hearts and our attitudes when He changes those paths….will we still.step.one.foot.in.front.of.the.other….following Him with reckless abandon? Consume me Lord! I will follow!!
Robin Dance says
Is it wrong that I’m thinkin’ John Lennon as I read this post??
“Life is what happens while we’re busy makin’ other plans…”
?
This piece was a treat to read, I could hear you speaking these words. Gritty pearls, all of it.
xo
Audra says
Amber, I needed this perspective of yours today. Thank you so much for sharing….
“Broken dreams are always building blocks for new dreams . . . I only know that God is with us, and it’s never what we think, and that things will fall apart, and that even then, especially then, it’s ok.”
These words are life and breath to me as we close a hard year, yet stand with hope – here at the brink of 2012. Thank you and may your transition, building blocks and new dreams be more amazing and God-ridden that you’d ever imagined!!!!
~Audra
Beth says
Thanks for this honest and wonderful post! As I’ve heard some others say here, my plan for 2012 is to have no plan. I DO have an agenda of living the most authentic life possible, and plan to get to know God better.
I figure He and I are on the same page on that one.
alison says
Always so beautiful, Amber. You continually encourage me with the beauty in the broken.
Diana Trautwein says
A knee-slapper – that about says it all. Thanks for this, Amber – and I’m so glad you’re back in the rock house. Prayers for Seth (and for you and the quartet) as he travels. Looking forward to reading all about it when he gets back. And would love to have glimpses of what it’s like for you to single parent for a bit – wowza, that’s a full plate.
The Bradley's says
I agree with @Coach; I hope this year I live a more intentional life and see God’s Grace all around me, always.
Donna says
Amen to that….Sister! Thank God for Sisters being real and telling it straight. Our plans are not our own….we do not own them, but God owns us!! It’s a safe place to be. 🙂
Julie Sunne says
Beautiful post, Amber. I smile when I read about your boys rolling around on the floor and the bloody noses! It brings back memories of when my three boys were little.
“God’s grace can wreck what it is we think we’re doing here. Over and over again in 2011, I had a plan. And my plan always, mercifully, seemed a knee-slapper to God.” I’ve experienced this so much as well this year–God’s plan always surpasses mine. Maybe I should ask Him before I develop mine!
ats says
Lovely. It reminds me of FNL. Clear Eyes/Full hearts/Can’t lose xoxox Will we see each other again?ox
Aimee S says
This heals my soul in the very deep places I haven’t allowed healing. We had a failed adoption 2 summers ago (we had the baby in our home for 3 months.) It’s only now, with these truths (and this scripture) that God has shown me that He is with me and always has been.
I may reference your words here in a blog post (I promise to link back). But, if I’m not brave enough to write that post, I will forever hold these words in my heart.
Thank you for your faithfulness.
laura says
thank you for this post — i’ve read it over and over. my husband and i have moved cross-country twice in two years, trying to follow God’s plan rather than our own, away from family and friends. my dream for this year is to find community, to not feel displaced, to see a glimmer of His plans at work in our lives.