At the end of my pregnancy, I quit blogging. In fact I wasn’t sure I would ever write in public again. I realized that things would change soon with 4 boys, and one morning I woke up and decided that I wanted to enjoy my life in its precious stage; I wanted to live it and soak it up, and I wanted to keep it like a secret pearl.
There were days I wanted to pour my heart out but couldn’t. My body was doing its own creative work in making child, and it left me wordless, in a peaceful writer’s block.
Most days I didn’t even turn my computer on – rather I lived, and I lived fun, and I lived hard. My girlfriends prayed over me before labor. They put their hands on my skin, and they spoke blessing.
We went to a 7 year old’s Civil War birthday party, so we could be with our real-life community. The boys were supposed to enlist with the pretend Confederacy, but then the Union swept in and recruited them. I’m not sure why I felt guilty about the whole thing. But my girlfriend patted my back, knowing I was thinking I’d have to explain myself to my Tennessean daddy.
Then, while one had fifths disease and one had an ear infection, we got lice. I was 37 weeks pregnant, and we had critters. Don’t judge me. I called my girlfriends laughing hysterically so I wouldn’t cry myself to sleep. We spent 2 weeks dealing with that, and all the while I longed for connection, holding my babies to my huge body and waving at friends as they dropped dinner off at our front door.
I stepped outside for some vitamin D and a girlfriend left this drawing with a mocha and a slice of pie. I smiled at my real life, our tomorrow, the critters finally gone.
Arkansas trees turned crispy in the heat. Labor started then, and it lasted prodromally for weeks.
I sit on the couch of a coffee shop with two close girlfriends every Friday morning, and we cry every single time we meet. They were what I looked forward to, how I felt some days I could come up for air.
Finally my water broke. Then dear ones hovered with fists countering my back labor and fingers wiping my hair back. They said, “You’re doing it. You’re doing it.” Hands of reassurance, in all mustered strength, literally held me up while my eyes went wild to keep from pushing.
Then Titus was born, a gentle one. And as the milk and honey of motherhood settled in, the wave of creativity whooshed in also, and that’s when I started writing again, rejoining community here online in full assurance that there is life here, too – but only by way of having lived it offline.
Some of my best friends live across the country from me, and I ache to put my arms around them, but I live in gratitude for the ones that live near me, in(RL), hands that put on the blessings, that stir the soup, hands that draw cartoons that make me laugh, the ones who wipe my brow. You are all Jesus to me.
by Amber Haines of TheRunaMuck
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Modupe says
That is so beautiful!
Amber@theRunaMuck says
Thank you, Modupe.
Chelsea H. K. says
Oh wow, captivated!
Amber@theRunaMuck says
Chelsea, captivated is an encouraging word.
Amy Hunt -- a {Grace} full *life* says
Sweet Amber, this was such beautiful worship. Your gratitude, your heart of truth…it speaks of love and grace, and your story of friendship and your heart of need.
Praise God for companionship!
Rich blessings in your daily in-person living friendships, and also your spirit-filled not-always-in-person ones…every single one that brings you to Him in worship!
Amber@theRunaMuck says
I love the metaphor we get of Him in friendship. Thanks for encouraging, Amy.
Jennifer says
You just wrapped life in a neat little package- not because life is neat, but because you took the messy with the beautiful and made it a gift! Wonderful!
Amber@theRunaMuck says
Thanks, Jennifer. With 4 boys, life is messy. It is beautiful gift, AND it is so so messy.
Amy says
So true. Life sprawls out everywhere, online and offline, and living it is so amazing.
Amber@theRunaMuck says
No one could have told me how blessed I would be by having friends online whom I’ve never met in real life, but my real life friends? They see the ugly, when I can’t make myself invisible – as I can online. They love even then, with that harder test.
Laura@aLifeOverseas says
Amber, this was just beautiful. You have always had such a gift, a GIFT, with words, and I love that you are writing again. I must say I missed reading your words these last few months, and it was fun to hear the backstory of what was going on in the web-silence. Know that you were missed– your voice is irreplaceable.
And your family, beautiful.
Amber@theRunaMuck says
Laura, you ALWAYS always encourage. Thank you, faraway friend. Love to you.
Kelly Sauer says
Four boys, and you SO girl and so much heart – I am so glad for your real life that spills over to us so real in your words. Thank you for sharing. It is an honor for us to gain entrance to your beautiful life.
Amber@theRunaMuck says
The true honor is that you would read it. My goodness, Kelly, you too, are faraway friend that we love.
There’s just something about having friends that are interested to hear that makes the stories we share all the more sweet.
Lynnette says
Such a great reminder. There are people around us that need our love as much as we need theirs. It is all a matter of where we focus our eyes.
Amber@theRunaMuck says
So true, Lynnette.
Diane Bailey says
The only thing we can really take to heaven with us is friends. Sweet friends, are one of the greatest blessings our greatest Friend gives to us.
Amber@theRunaMuck says
I never thought about that, Diane, and it is a sweet thought.
Rosanne @ magqueen says
This is beautiful Amber. I love how giving birth breathed new life into you. You are blessed and so are we. I’ll be following with you in all your glorious muck. Rosanne
Amber@theRunaMuck says
Glorious Muck! Well, isn’t that the truth! Thank you, Rosanne.
Aimee says
Oh, Amber! It’s so wonderful to read your words again! But I agree: the best writing comes from living.
No judgment on the lice. We’ve battled it here several times thanks to a county school policy that *allows* students to come to school with critters. It makes me angry and sad all at once, to think of any child whose family cannot afford or will not take care of it. But that’s another convo all together. 🙂
I’m happy you have friends In Real Life that can love on you, put their hands on you to pray, and to encourage you face to face in pregnancy, labor, and living.
“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.” Proverbs 17:17
Or! A friend loves at all times and a sister is born for times of family, pregnancy, childbirth and babyhood. 🙂
Amber@theRunaMuck says
Aimee, that policy is a nightmare. Sheesh.
Yes, and you’re right about the beauty of friendship.
Michelle@OneRoofAfrica says
Struggling with this right now. Never writing in public again, deleting my FB account, staying home on Sundays because I just. can’t. do the Sunday morning church thing any longer. Pretend to be in community with people I only see on Sundays.
Wanting here and now to be real and live. Life giving.
Really, truly, live.
This America, oh, it was not what I left. Two years later you’d think I’d have a handle on it……not so.
Thanks for your words. Processing. Processing.
P.S. I’ll be in your neck of the woods Sunday. Breathing in the Arkansas air.
Amber@theRunaMuck says
Michelle, we’re out of town this weekend but would love it if we could have had a coffee date.
I think you mentioned something so true here. There is always such a feeling of not belonging, of being out of place that never really goes away even if you do connect deeply with your community. Africa made Seth most aware of that sense, that community and friendships here are only a metaphor, not a replacement, for God. We’ll be home one day with our true commUNITY.
Until then, there is still a pang.
We have struggled so hard and we will again, slowly learning that the purpose is to know God in everything. Honestly I would never have chosen the ways He’s chosen to teach me. It can be so hard.
Michelle, you don’t have to pretend. I know you know that. There are people that need to share their junk with you, and you’re just the person to enter into community with them. I’m praying and will continue to pray that God leads you to the wounded, that you’ll be the friend that is Jesus to the needy. Your brokenness is exactly what the word needs to see. I know because I’ve seen you and heard your heart.
Michelle@OneRoofAfrica says
Thank you for your words and prayers.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, it’s a love/hate relationship. 🙂 And am most comfortable with the broken-needy-messy beautiful souls. This song sums it up-http://youtu.be/1T7i-f2m57k
When it all boils down….Jesus thinks I’m cool. 🙂
Christy says
Absolutely beautiful and heart touching Amber, thank you!
Amber@theRunaMuck says
Thank you, Christy.
Jane says
love this – especially the lice fighting super hero 🙂 I live in the beautiful chaos of 4 kids too. Isn’t it funny how sometimes the ministry is in the distractions? How blessed you are to have such friendships.
Amber@theRunaMuck says
Jane! I love that! The ministry is in the distractions. Seriously, I need to put that in my journal.
Ash says
So beautiful Amber – deep ache that you don’t live closer. Sending my love from NY.
Amber@theRunaMuck says
I miss you, Ashes.
hamster says
beyonce took an entire year off from her music career – no writing, no public performances, no interviews – just to travel and enjoy marriage. when she came back to work, she hit it with a vengeance. and her new record makes her previous record sound like kazoo jingles.
i think your tiny sabbatical and your intentional sponging of life and boys and home added to that leap in voice i mentioned yesterday. i’m gonna collect some evidence from your writings and show you what i mean. also, i’ve never had lice.
Amber@theRunaMuck says
Well, I can’t wait to hear what you have to say, and I can’t express to you how much I wish I were Beyonce. AND can you imagine lice? In that beard? That is such a wrong thought.
Wanda says
Precious! You’re a blessed mama! I really dig the drawing! haha! So funny!
Sue says
So beautiful Amber. I too missed your writing this summer, but I understood completely, being momma myself to two boys and two girls. I meant to leave you a note yesterday that the writing since your break has felt like big beautiful bubbles glinting in the sunshine. There is such air and space in your images, and it is such a great reminder to take breaks. Thank you for this!
Jessica says
You’re an inspiration to me…a reminder to take it slow and taste life. I always struggle with wanting to do it all and do it all right now. People say this life with littles passes by all too quickly, but sometimes the days feel just. so. slow. And I wonder when there’ll be time for sleep, for writing, for finishing a project…
I needed to hear this. Every so often I’m tempted to cut the online ties…maybe one day I will.
Rhonda J. Smith says
Wow. That just made me all gushy! I have so glad you experienced real life, gave birth to a new life and have a brand new online writing life that I get to experience. Simply beautiful. Thank you for your obedience to your season.
Rhonda J. Smith says
Of course that should be am, not have.
Sherri Ohler says
Amber this is one of my favorite posts I have EVER read. Ever, really. I laughed outloud at the same time as tears welled up in my eyes-thanks for that. Bless you and all your boys,an adventure I know nothing about in my house full of daughters! Thanks for the glimpse into the other side of the fence!
xo,
Sherri Ohler
Mary @ Giving Up on Perfect says
How did you do that? How did you use regular old words and weave a story that drew me in and let me walk beside you? I love this post, Amber. Thank you for sharing your life – and your magical words.
Kristen says
Oh my stars, I love this, Amber. You stress the importance of relaxing and embracing {short or long} seasons where creativity through one mode must take a back seat so another kind of creativity has room to flourish. L*O*V*E.
And also? My {then} public-school-teaching-self came down with lice while 37 weeks pregnant with my twin sons! Oh, the horror! At least, I thought so at the time. Man, I’m itchin’ and scratchin’ now just thinkin’ about it!
I adore you, Amber. Have a wonderful weekend.
gabrielle says
what a gentle, gentle post.